New Author's Note:
Aw man, while editing these you all have been asking me what I thought of volume 9 of RWBY. Well... it's uh not positive. Great concept, interesting. Everyone else was horrible, especially the dialogue and team RWBY themselves. Their conversations feel so bland. It's sad to see.
Cover Art: Cruz7808
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S2E22- Red vs Bleu
" Red vs Bleu" appeared on the screen with the theme.
After Nora, Yang, Jaune, and Ruby hummed the theme as the episode started playing.
"Red vs Bleu? Spelled weird, the episode titles all seem like references we don't get." Yang said.
"Have you ever tried texting the number back Jaune?" Weiss asked.
"Yeah, nothing ever sends." Jaune said, showing all the error messages on his scroll. "Apparently he will text us when the show is over."
"Hmm, wonder how long that will be." Blake said.
"Blood Gulch Chronicles, not a trilogy so probably around four or more seasons." Jaune said.
"Well then we have a long way to go." Ren realized.
Sarge: "We are giving you a chance to surrender!"
Grif: "There is no way this bluff is gonna work."
Sarge: "Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo."
Cut to the blues
Church: "Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... What're your terms?!"
Tucker: "Their what?"
To the reds
Grif: "Our what?"
Simmons: "I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge."
"I don't see why it's working, the blues could easily defeat the reds now." Blake pointed out.
"They could have defeated them in episode three with the Tank." Ruby said.
Grif: "Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog."
Donut: "Oh oh Sarge - tell them we want the flag."
Grif: "Yeah, and some cake."
Donut: "Oh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake."
Sarge: "Alright blues! First off! We want your flag... !"
Simmons: "Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up."
"But Donut killed her?" Pyrrha said.
"Ugh which reminds me again, the one female character has been killed off." Blake complained.
"I'm sure she will come back to life too." Ren said.
Sarge: "... to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!"
Church: "Uh oh."
Sarge: "You may know him as Señor El Roboto!"
Tucker: "Well Church, what's it gonna be?"
Church: "Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."
Sarge: "And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!"
Church: "Uh, uh he's not here any more!"
Tucker: "Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!"
Church: "That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this. Hey reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!"
"French!?" Ren muttered, shocked. "Another language." He said as he scribbled in his notes.
Doc: "A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there."
"Smart move." Pyrrha muttered.
"Or luck." Weiss said.
Simmons: "Meh, that sounds pretty good to me."
Grif: "I don't know, I think we can hold out for more."
Simmons: "We don't have any bullets, dumbass."
Grif: "Oh right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal."
Church: "Hey Doc. How's the patient?"
Doc: "Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive."
Tucker: "He's talking about Caboose, right?"
Church: "No I mean his toe, how's the toe I shot?"
Doc: "What that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago."
Caboose: (sad) "Rest in peace, pinkie toe..."
O'Malley Caboose: "You shall be avenged!"
"Hmm I wonder how Church at least hasn't noticed Caboose's behavior." Pyrrha said.
"I don't think he cares." Yang said.
Doc: "Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help."
Church: "Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get!?"
Simmons: "You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!"
Tucker: "We've already got that! What else do you have!?"
Sarge: "What do you want!?"
Church: "How about if you admit that the red team sucks!?"
The reds mutter to themselves for a moment
Sarge: "What if we admit that one of us sucks!?"
Grif: " Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?"
Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the blues
"What?" Nora said.
"Negotiations took that long, wow." Pyrrha said.
"Real political and military negotiations can take weeks, or months." Weiss said.
Church: "Okay then! We agree to the terms!? You first, and then we send over the medic!"
Sarge: "Get on with it, Grif."
Grif: "(grunting sigh) I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck... !"
Church: "And!?"
Grif: "And that I'm a girl... !"
"What's wrong with that?" Weiss asked.
"Calm down Weiss it's a sausage party this is how dudes are." Yang said.
"How would you know?" Jaune asked.
"I used to be a sort of tom boy, but without the disgusting parts." Yang said.
"Disgusting parts?" Jaune asked.
"I just had a lot of guy friends at the time and we bro'd out. Yang explained.
"What were the disgusting parts though?" Jaune asked.
"You know, I didn't have to use the boys bathroom which no matter where you go is fucking disgusting." Yang said.
"Completely Agree." Ren said. "I do not include you in this Jaune but other men are animals."
"The girls' bathrooms are also quite disgusting." Weiss said.
"Any public restroom is, it's.. well it's the public." Pyrrha shrugged.
"I have found boxers in a public bathroom on three separate occasions in three separate bathrooms." Jaune said.
"Oh! Ruby, that reminds me you should tell everyone about what you found in the public restroom!" Yang said cackling.
"Hmpf! Yang! Please don't remi- remind me." Ruby said, swallowing vomit.
"What was it?" Nora asked.
"Guess." Yang said.
"Was it a dirty needle?" Blake asked.
"A bloody needle." Yang corrected.
Ruby quickly got up and used her speed semblance to puke in the sink.
"That. Is. Disgusting." Jaune said.
"Ugh!" Ruby finished. "Just play the episode!"
Church: "What else!?"
Grif: "And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys... !"
"Ribbons in my hair huh?" Yang said looking towards Blake.
"Yang..." Blake said annoyed.
"Blake, you really don't need to wear the ribbon around us." Ruby said.
"It's not as if I don't trust you all, I just don't trust everyone else." Blake said.
"But we're alone, we can lock the doors in case anyone walks in without knocking." Jaune said.
"But..." Blake protested.
"No buts." Weiss said getting up and locking the door.
"Fine." Blake said, she slowly reached up and took off her bow.
"Awe." Ruby said.
"What?" Blake asked.
"You look so much better with your ears out." Ruby complimented. "Not that you don't look good with them covered!"
Blake smiled, "thanks Ruby." she said, hugging Ruby.
Sarge: "This may be the best surrender of all time."
Simmons: "Okay, is that good enough!?"
Church: "Yeah! Alright, go ahead Doc."
Doc runs over to the reds
Grif: "Man, I really hope you're worth this."
Doc: "Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?"
Grif: "Water? We ran outta water six months ago."
Doc: "No water, then what do you drink?"
Grif: "Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual."
"Is it even possible to survive off that?" Nora asked seriously, wondering as she glanced towards the cupboard.
"No." Ren said.
Sarge: "I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoohoo."
The screen went black.
"Ok, next episode!" Ruby said happily.
"Arf!"
"Gah! Get that thing away from me!" Blake screamed.
"Blake... he's been here the entire time." Yang said.
"Just get him away from me!" Blake screamed.
Ruby sighed and grabbed Zwei and sat him in her lap. He curled up and went to sleep.
"Deformed mutt." Blake muttered.
"Deformed?" Yang asked, making sure Ruby didn't hear.
"Zwei is a corgi, and as you can tell he has been inbred with other corgi's to maintain those stubby legs that many find cute." Ren explained.
"What's wrong with stubby... legs." Yang said as she realized the horror and level of animal cruelty that is inbreeding dogs. "Wow, well... it hasn't harmed him. But that could just be me and Ruby unlocking his aura and feeding him dust kibble."
"You what!" Blake whisper yelled.
"See? He's even more dangerous than regular dogs Blakey." Yang taunted.
"Can we start the next episode?" Nora asked.
"Sure." Jaune answered.