Loud baby cries. Piercing barks. A man wailing. My insides going overboard.
Shock is a word that cannot define the state I fell into after knowing that my cousin died. I was sent to a pit of turmoil. That black pit I used to dream of. I was traumatized.
My uncle saying that Jinsu passed away was absurd and funny at the same time.
It didn't make sense. And that is why it was funny.
It was like saying that from this day onward the sun wouldn't be setting anymore or that the night would no longer appear at the usual time.
It does not make any sense to me.
But due to the seriousness this man was showing, my heart broke into uncountable pieces.
He is a serious man, and he would never joke about something so important and hurtful as this.
What he was telling me was a tangible truth. A tangible pain he has been through on his own for the past year and months.
And when that truth hit me, I burst.
I broke in a way I have never shown before. In a way that is too unfamiliar to Su-jin.
The way I cried, the way I began to shake and feel nauseous happened in one second.
Even Kkami and Su-jin got startled by seeing me like that.
They came crawling to check upon me. They came crawling to climb up to me, but I couldn't hold any of them.
Just seeing those precious eyes broke me even more.
Su-jin was the vivid image of Jinsu, and just if I focused a little bit more, I could see in those eyes the resemblance to his father; Han Jisung.
It was such a state I fell into that Su-jin also cried along with me. He got sad because even when he did grabby hands, I didn't stretch my arms to take him.
I couldn't comfort him, and he couldn't comfort me either.
I have always hated when Su-jin cries, but this time I just couldn't calm him down.
I just stared at him seeing those endless tears going down.
Fortunately, Kkami jumped to the couch, and barked and growled in my ears.
He was so mad and tried to bite me. He didn't pinch my skin, but my sweater almost got ripped.
Just then, I held Su-jin in my arms and wept harder because it suddenly hit me what I was doing.
"Su-jin-ah..." The way I said the name made me cry even more.
"T-tuti..." And the way his tiny voice cracked to say my name just worsened my state.
All this time, I've been raising Jisung and Jinsu's baby.
All those years I looked for Jisung, all those times Jinsu talked to me about certain 'Ji...'
I- Who would have thought that they were the same person?
Who would have thought that we were both destined to fall in love with the same guy?
But even if we fell in love with the same guy, Jinsu is the one that got his heart.
She won over me.
I still don't know what happened between them. I still don't know why Jisung thinks he had a daughter instead of a son, and I still don't know the details of Jinsu's death.
The only thing I can think about right now is that I will never forgive life for taking that girl out of my life.
I can live with the fact that Jinsu fell and loved the same guy I fell into first, and even the fact that they got married and had a baby, but not with the fact of losing her.
She couldn't have gone without bidding her goodbyes. She couldn't have married without me being at that wedding. She couldn't have had a baby without me being present. Without me seeing her pregnant, without me pampering her in those days.
But about all of that, she couldn't have died without me knowing.
My dumb and silly cousin...if you died...how could you? How could you die without telling me? How could you die without fighting? How could you die even before telling me that you made the one I love fall deeply with you?
Hwang Jinsu...how the fuck dare you to die?
I will never forgive you. I will never forgive you for leaving me.
~~~
Su-jin cried himself to sleep.
My uncle tried to take Su-jin in his arms, but I didn't let him. I gripped my hands on him.
Knowing that this baby was Jinsu's baby felt beyond awkward, and knowing that this was also Jisung's son felt hurtful and unfair.
However, this was the only thing left by her and that hurt more than knowing the last thing.
I hugged Su-jin so tight and gave him kisses all over his face. I whispered 'sorry's' and 'love you's' in his ears. He is not responsible for anything, yet in an instant, I rejected him, and that...that is something I will never forgive myself for doing.
For a small fraction of time, I was putting my crush on top before putting Jinsu first.
I got so pissed and jealous, but what's the point of feeling those awful emotions if she is no longer here? If she gave her all and still lost everything?
Also, the way Jisung wept for his wife is still stuck in my heart.
I know how much Jinsu loved him, and now I know how much Jisung loved and still loves Jinsu.
Clearer than the water. Those two loved each other to death, and the tangible proof is in my arms.
Su-jin is the proof of the true love between Jisung and Jinsu, and I must protect him because if he was entrusted to me and kept away from Jisung, then, there must be a good reason for that.
And I need to figure that out...
I need to know why Jisung thinks he had a baby girl... I need to know why Jisung thinks that his daughter died along with his wife...
What happened?
When he was here in my home...he could see Jinsu in Su-jin's face...but...how come it never crossed his mind that Su-jin could be his?
Even the name 'Su-jin'...
God–this is a nightmare.
"Jinsu fell in love with a wonderful guy. He was a nice person with a big heart and an honest self. This person was Jinsu's first and... last love..."
After seeing me quiet, hugging Su-jin, my uncle began to speak softly.
I said nothing but kept listening while rubbing Su-jin's back. I was still sniffling and processing the information.
"As you know, your auntie and I have spent most of our time out of the country due to the family business... We never had problems with Jinsu about it. She was a smart kid ever since she was a baby. She understood why mama and papa needed to go out and we were grateful for that..."
He continued after checking that I was listening even though I was not looking in his direction. "As Jinsu was growing, the inevitable needed to happen... She was a lovely and gorgeous girl...of course, someone would fall in love with her...and she would be falling for someone..."
I showed no reaction. Those things are things I already knew, so paying my full attention was not necessary. I mean, Jinsu and I almost grew up together, of course, I knew about this.
"The thing is that we never saw that time went so fast and that our baby girl already became a full woman. A woman with dreams and desires..." He kept on talking.
"The day we found out about this it was not the time we were expecting... Her mother got so mad when on one of the unexpected trips we did to Korea, she found out that Jinsu had a boyfriend... They were in the kitchen doing- Um... Well... She found Jinsu with a boyfriend..."
"What were they doing?" I asked in a null voice. It was when he stammered with his words that my ears perked up.
He cleared his throat and changed the topic, making me frown. "For Jinsu's mother what mattered the most was the status of the guy our daughter would be dating and not the fact of whether this guy was a good person or not. That is where all the problem started."
"Problem? What do you mean by 'problem' ? What's the matter with the status?"
"Well...Jinsu's boyfriend didn't come from a wealthy family like ours...and that was not a real problem neither for Jinsu nor for me, but for your aunt...it was a huge deal..."
I scoffed.
Of course, it was a huge deal for that interested woman.
He kept on explaining. "When we discovered Jinsu having a boyfriend, she and her mother argued about it. Unfortunately, I could not say much at that time... I already knew how she was and how Jinsu would be acting. Jinsu has always been against injustice and if someone is not right, she would say it even if that cost a friendship... So, in order to avoid problems with the two women in my life, I remained silent and gave my support to both... On the surface, it seemed that I supported my wife's decisions, but in reality, I was supporting my daughter's..."
"Seeing Jinsu defending her love for that guy was what made me realize that my princess was no longer a kid, that she knew what she wanted and was sure of what she felt. Also, the person Jinsu was dating was so transparent. The way he held back every time he was insulted by Jinsu's mother was incredible. He knew that what Jinsu's mother was saying was nonsense and that he could have said something to defend himself, but he didn't... He analyzed the situation and knew that there was no way of winning a battle with that woman...so he did something that I was already expecting..."
"What did he do?" I spared a glance at my uncle. I was curious about what Jisung could have done in that situation.
My uncle smiled for himself as if that memory was pleasant. "That guy was clever. He made it seem that he would stop seeing Jinsu and that he would be ending that relationship... Of course, saying this was dangerous... He was breaking Jinsu's heart at that moment...I could see it..."
"I saw how Jinsu's face changed. She felt hurt and terrified, and I kind of felt the same for her... But the moment I saw him hold hands with her and saw how he looked at my daughter, I knew that he would never leave her side... So, I offered a little bit of help..."
"Help? What kind of help, uncle?"
"It was not much... I just gave a small push to their relationship. When he was going away...I accompanied him outside the house and had a little talk with him... The talk was random. I didn't even know how to tell him that I supported him. I was inexperienced in the situation, so the only thing I did was to give him a random idea on how to see Jinsu without being caught by your aunt, hahahaha... That was so weird, but fortunately, it worked..."
Seeing my uncle laugh in the middle of the explanation just made me turn my face back to Su-jin. Crying and laughing at the memories are just painful to see.
"I helped them in their relationship. I supported their love from the beginning until the end, and that is something I don't regret. Those two loved each other in so many ways, and it was evident just to see them together..."
"What happened next?" I interrupted. I already knew Jisung and Jinsu loved each other. They two told me, so I didn't need more detail on that part.
Jinsu's father nodded. "Well, after that, the three of us became close and we maintained a good relationship. However, there was something they hid from me... Well...two things..."
"What was that?"
"Their marriage and Jinsu's pregnancy..."
I got thoughtful, but in the same moment, I figured out why they hid it from my uncle even before this one could tell me.
"It was because of my aunt, wasn't it?"
"Yeah..." he let out a long sigh, after that he said, "Jinsu did her utmost to protect what she loved the most. She knew that if I knew I would get crazy and would like to come to Korea to see her belly, but if I came, her mother would have also come because at that time we used to always travel together. And if she came, she would have known that all those years of us being abroad, Jinsu and Jisung maintained their relationship and that I was aware of that."
"So, she took the decision of keeping that a secret from everyone, including me? She said that she was planning to tell you, but she knew that the fewer people knew, the better...?"
"Yes," my uncle nodded. Somehow, I was getting the thread of that story. I have always known how Jinsu thinks or might act. She could be dumb but in reality, she is very smart. My uncle continued, "at that time, only Jisung, his brother, and his parents knew about the whole thing, and that was pretty much Jinsu's decision, so don't get mad. It's not like Jinsu doubted you, but as you said...the fewer people knew the better...or more like...the fewer Hwang family members knew the better..."
I smacked my lips. How could I get mad now?
Isn't it pointless to get mad?
"It was the best decision Jinsu took in all honesty..." he kept on talking, "of course, her husband was against the idea at first, but she convinced him that it was the right thing to do, so of course, I never got mad at him. Not even now. He understood that that was the only way of protecting his woman and baby from your aunt..."
I frowned when the last thing hit me. Why are my uncle and even Jisung scared or afraid of that woman?
Maybe there reside all the answers to hundreds of my questions.
I finally inquired, "I know my aunt is scary sometimes, but what could my aunt have done or said? It's not like she could have done something after seeing them married and awaiting a baby, right?..."
"Ah, Hyunjin..." My uncle paused, "that woman...when it came to Jinsu..."
I looked at him this time.
My uncle seemed to frown and gritted his teeth.
"When it came to Jinsu...what?" I reformulated the question, "what do you want to say, uncle?"
He looked down for a moment before replying, "when it came to Jinsu...she was always capable of everything..."
"What do you mean by that? What do you mean by 'capable of everything?' "
He looked at Su-jin for a moment. His eyes become glassy.
"Uncle?"
"When your aunt got to know that Jinsu was pregnant, Jinsu was almost in her last month to give birth... Jinsu and Jisung lived together like a married couple. It was on a rainy day that it happened. Jinsu's mother was supposed to travel to Incheon because she needed to get into a meeting with one business couple. My flight got delayed because I couldn't book the same flight as hers before. It was packed. I didn't see anything bad about it, because I would be only one hour after her. I normally sent a photo to Jinsu but since we would only be in Incheon, I didn't see the necessity to warn them. However, I did. I sent the picture of the flight to Jinsu, but she never replied."
He got thoughtful before continuing, "when I arrived in Incheon, your aunt wasn't there. Some of our collaborators said that she had gone to Seoul to give our daughter a surprise visit. I panicked at that time because I called and called Jinsu and Jisung, but no one answered. It took me around two hours in total to arrive in Seoul, including the flight, and in those two hours, a lot of things happened. Up until now, your aunt hasn't told me what actually happened. So, if you ask me for more details, I won't be able to give you answers because not even I know the full thing."
That information made me feel tingles on the top of my head, like a type of bad hunch.
"When I arrived at our house, Jinsu was on the floor of the living room. There was a lot of blood coming from her legs. Jisung was holding her while crying and yelling on the phone. He was calling Jinsu's doctor, and your aunt..."
"What about her?"
My uncle tightened one of his fists as the following words let out with hate, "she was just staring at Jinsu's belly. Your aunt didn't help, and God should forgive me for what I'm going to say, but before she noticed my presence, I swear I saw a faint smirk on her lips...it was for just one small fraction of time, but I swear I saw her... I swear I saw her smiling at what-" he paused before turning back to Su-jin and reaching his hand to pat his head, "she didn't want Su-jin to be born..."
A cold breeze brushed my spinal cord. I unconsciously turned to Su-jin and held him tighter in a protective way. I felt a type of fear and hate consuming my insides.
---