"Tuti~ Tuti~,"
"Tu- I-I mean, Hyunjin...? Are you here?"
A babyish tone and a concerned voice pierced through my door. Those voices belonged to Han Jisung and Su-jin.
It took me ten seconds or so to process their voices as well as to come to know what Jisung was asking.
My mind was blank, and my eyes were unfazed looking at the phone that rested on the cold floor, the one that had the screen smashed to pieces.
"Hyunjin? Are you...here?"
The second time he spoke, that's when I finally reacted a bit.
I looked up and then to my right, where the painting was as if something was telling me to look at it.
My eyes finally gave some reaction. "Shit..." And the curses immediately came out of my mouth.
I completely forgot about my baby and Jisung being on the other side of the apartment.
Of course, the hard impact of my phone blasting the floor would alert them. So, why am I even surprised?
I panic. I didn't know what to do. I was facing a painting that not long ago was unfamiliar to me, and the very person portrayed there was knocking just right at the door.
What should I do? How could I explain to Jisung that I have painted him along with a fragment of his story? A story that I barely got to know today? And that somehow his wife might or might not be my cousin?
Exactly. There's no way of addressing a topic of this magnitude without first revising it.
"Hyunjin?"
I became rigid. I sent signals to my body, but it did not obey me. It didn't move. It didn't move even when Jisung kept calling my name in a worried tone.
"Tuti..."
Tiny bangs on the door were heard next. It was Su-jin and his attempt to clumsy knock.
"Ji-dada~ Tuti~" I heard him mumble as if telling Jisung a big secret.
"Mmh...I know...." Jisung hummed soothingly and comprehensively. Apparently, he understood Su-jin so well, which took me aback. "I'll open and see if your daddy is here, okay...?"
D-daddy? Me?
Only when I heard the word 'daddy' did my body react. It was like an instinct or a parental thing that activated itself. Perhaps Su-jin's voice had so much influence over me after all.
Without thinking, I rapidly took my phone, wiped the screen, and dove it into my pocket.
"S-Su-jin-ah...?" the lump in my throat made me stammer with my words. I could not entirely lie to myself. I was still perplexed. "Jisung?"
"Oh...so you are really here?" Jisung's tone of voice changed. He got surprised for getting an answer. "We heard something coming from this room...? Su-jin and I got startled, so we came to check. Are you okay?"
"I- yeah-"
The painting!!
Hyunjin, the painting!!!
I found a random piece of fabric resting on a chair and tossed it over the painting of Jinsu and Jisung. I didn't want to show that painting to anybody. Especially to the guy that was holding my baby. There was no way he could see that.
"Yes, I'm good... I just-"
The doorknob opened without further notice, revealing Jisung holding Su-jin in his arms with a confused and blinking expression.
He scanned the room mindlessly and then set his eyes back on me. He glanced at me from head to toe, and upon seeing no anomalies, his expression changed. Now, he had a calm expression.
"Oh... Umm... I apologize for entering without notice. Su-jin was uneasy, and well...me too. We heard a strange sound and thought that you fell... I got worried...is everything okay?"
My eyes moistened. A million thoughts appeared in my mind just at the sight of that beautiful face looking at me. A type of pain pierced my chest. I wanted to cry so badly, and I didn't know for what reason to begin with. "Ah- yeah... I came here for something, but I kicked something else by accident. I'm very clumsy... I'm guessing you already know that..." I mumbled the last part to myself. I'm really bad at lying, and I know I can give myself away by avoiding making eye contact or looking at the floor instead of the face.
I'm very obvious.
No words nor sounds came from any of them.
Jisung's robes began rustling, making a cold gust brush the front of my hair. Slight footsteps were heard afterward.
I was not mentally prepared to look at him. Not after what we talked about and the conversation I had with my uncle and all those connections he has with Jinsu. I had a mix of emotions. All at once.
"Hyunjin..."
He took my arm and turned me around.
I made eye contact with him, but I couldn't hold it any longer. I couldn't stand it. Those beautiful eyes full of grief made me feel terrible.
I lowered my gaze, "yes?"
"I got distracted with your baby...I'm sorry. I didn't notice you were having a bad time. You came here to cry...right?" He asked as he reached his hand to touch my right cheek with a little bit of pity. "My story affected you somehow...right?"
Before he could wipe one of my tears, I directed to Su-jin and smiled since this one was about to pout and soon after cry along with me. I know him.
"Tuti is fine, Su-jin-ah... Don't look at me with that cute pout... Isn't it time to eat...? Yes, right?~ Come. I'll give you some food..."
I took Su-jin in my arms and kissed him on the right cheek repeatedly, so my face could be hidden there.
The raffle of kisses made Su-jin laugh. He always giggles whenever I kiss him in this way.
Jisung's stare was set on me the whole time. I could feel it, but he didn't say anything, and I didn't dare to look at him.
Before things turned awkward, I moved forward pointing to the door, "would you mind accompanying me to the kitchen...? I need to feed Su-jin... We can talk afterward..."
He followed me without saying anything. The fact that he followed me was enough to tell me that he understood what I was doing. I didn't want Su-jin to feel bad because of me.
Also, I wanted to take Jisung out of the painting room. I didn't want him to see that painting and figure out that somehow Su-jin could be his or not without me knowing what really happened with my cousin Jinsu.
When we arrived at the kitchen, Jisung offered himself to look for the food I had in the fridge, but Su-jin wanted to be held by him.
My baby whined and struggled in my arms. "Ji-dada—"
Jisung chuckled but didn't move even when Su-jin was stretching his arms towards him. He seemed to be waiting for some sort of permission from me.
"Well...you should take Su-jin..." I suggested with a soft smile, "he wants to be held by you..."
He immediately approached, not waiting for a second suggestion, "of course..." and rapidly took my cousin in his embrace.
The next thing we did was to feed Su-jin. He helped me hold him while I took a small spoonful of food to give it to the baby.
My cute and lovely baby was cooperating so well. He always does, but today was for a different reason. This was because Jisung always praised him after each bite. Saying things like 'Good job, Su-jin-ah~ Isn't it yummy? Mmmm...eat a lot so you become in a strong man one day~'
Su-jin was so happy to be praised by Jisung. He loved his praises more than the ones I always give him. Every time he took a piece of food, he looked at Jisung with expectant eyes. He wanted to receive the next praise so eagerly.
When Su-jin finished his food, Jisung accommodated him in his chest and started to give him slight pats on his back.
He seemed to have so much experience with babies.
I was about to ask him about that, but I immediately shut my mouth. He said he had a baby, so where else could have gotten that experience?
Jisung, in those robes, was looking quite elegant and refined. Holding Su-jin just added to the picture of a king taking care of his little prince. I've read many of these stories, but I never imagined I could relate so much with one of those.
I'm not going to lie...Jisung is definitely the definition of beauty.
This guy is so...pretty.
Su-jin, on the other hand, was all wrapped in cozy clothes and a cute beanie. Every time Jisung walked from one end of the kitchen to the other, I could see Su-jin closing his eyes with tiredness. He snuggled his little face in Jisung's neck as if this place was the safest for him.
If I didn't know them...I could swear that they were father and son...they would resemble that picture for whoever sees them...
"He is falling asleep... Where should I put him?" Jisung inquired with a tiny voice as he glanced to have a peek at my baby. He was indeed on the verge of dreamland.
I stood up from the table I was sitting on and walked to them, "Su-jin sleeps with me in my room. I can take him there..."
"May I?" Jisung turned and looked at me. There was a certain sparkle in his eyes, "I would like to put him to bed...if you let me..."
The simple fact of putting a baby to bed seemed to mean too much to him. I could notice this from the way he looked back again at Su-jin with soft eyes as if thinking deeply about something. So, I couldn't say no to him.
"Yes, no problem..." I nodded comprehensively. "His crib is next to my bed, but he prefers to sleep on my bed, so let's put him there..." I added as I walked in front of him to guide him to my room. "This way, please..."
When we arrived at my room, I moved aside and let Jisung enter with the baby in his hands. I leaned my body to one end of the bed and observed attentively and quietly.
Before placing Su-jin to bed, Jisung took him in his arms and smiled fondly. He leaned to his little face and mumbled something I couldn't hear. After that, he left a sweet kiss on the forehead.
There must be something sweet given that on Su-jin's lips, a small smile formed, and a cute sound came from his lips.
After that, he came closer and put Su-jin to bed. Without me giving instructions, he wrapped and arranged the pillows together, just the way I always settle them for Su-jin.
It surprised me how well he knew about taking care of babies. But then again, I just kept observing, limiting myself from making conversation about something I didn't want to talk about in the first place.
Su-jin made a face in his sleep, so Jisung knelt and placed a hand over his little tummy, humming a sweet and unknown lullaby.
Little by little, Su-jin's frown disappeared, and not long after his small and cute snores were heard. He fell asleep.
"Su-jin-ah...have good dreams..."
With that, Jisung stood up from the floor, dusting his robes. As he was doing this, he scanned the room until finally setting his eyes on me.
"Hyunjin..."
My eyes had been stuck on him, but the moment we made eye contact, I was the first one to lower my gaze.
"Hyunjin..."
As he said my name, his voice got closer and closer.
"Hyunjin...I-"
When he arrived, he placed both hands on my shoulders and brought me to the front.
"Jisung-"
He engulfed me in an unexpected hug.
My heart skipped a beat. The moment I felt arms around me, a type of nostalgia filled my heart.
I don't know what happened to me next, but I reciprocated the hug and brought him even closer.
Maybe he was planning to give me some support, but it was he who needed it the most.
"Hyunjin, I-"
"Jisung, I-"
We stopped at the same time, waiting for the other person to finish the sentence, but no one spoke.
"I'm really sorry..."
"I'm sorry..."
We both paused again.
An apology came from each one of us.
I knew the reason for my apology, but I didn't know his. So, I inquired, "why are you apologizing?"
"For three things," he said as he rested a hand over my back and rubbed it in circles.
"Three?"
"Yes," he confirmed, "the first one is for not giving you the Spanish lessons like your mother instructed me and instead scolding you and beating you with my fan for staring at me so much..." he released a small chuckle at the last part, but I couldn't laugh. Not even if that would have been funny at another time.
"And the second?" Thankfully, we were hugging each other. My eyes had long since they released the first tears. They were falling silently, and I was putting my arms so they died there and not on Jisung's robes.
"The second one is for giving you trouble with my story... I had never acted this way with anyone that is not my brother. The one that always deals with me, for this reason, is Changbin hyung. He knows that my heart is not healed and that it will never be the same. He is constantly worrying for me. I feel bad for always giving him trouble, but...this grief is beyond me and-" he paused and later retook the conversation but with something different, "to be honest, it also surprised me that I blurted out my pain towards you... So, I'm sorry..."
I changed the position of my arms and placed them on his waist. I brought him way closer to me and hid my face in the crook of his neck.
He didn't seem uncomfortable. On the contrary, Jisung separated my legs with a slight kick of his foot. Once he saw that I moved them, he filled that spot with his body.
Now, there was not a single space between his body and mine. We were just one body, and the beats of our hearts also combined.
"The third apology is for ignoring you... You had to go and take your time because of me..." He paused again, and in that pause, he tightened his embrace on me, "I got so distracted with Su-jin because he looks so much like my wife and...I got engrossed in him...but now that I'm a little bit in my senses...I got to know that it's because maybe you related to my story..."
"What do you mean?" I whispered, clueless.
He continued. "Your mom said that you live in an apartment alone...and with a baby...that you are always busy and have to deal with the hard task of being a father... When I arrived here...I saw no pictures of a woman...or anything related to a woman...meaning that you and Su-jin indeed just have each other. You asked for my wife, and when I told you about her...you went away... In that room you were, there was a painting covered with a bed sheet. The rest of the paintings were uncovered, and they were pretty...so why cover that specific painting? I'm guessing there was a painting of a woman there...more specifically Su-jin's mother...am I right?"
"Jisung, that's- that's-"
"It's okay...you don't need to confirm anything with me... I also won't ask you anything about Su-jin's mother... I just want you to know that I'm really sorry that my story put you in a sad mood and that I may or may not remove some of your deepest feelings... I just want to tell you that if one day you want to blurt out your feelings to me as I did with you...I will always be willing to listen and serve myself as a tissue... I owed you one after all..."
No, Jisung... You got all wrong... You don't understand anything... You have no idea of anything...
"There's another apology I would like to add..."
"What is this one for...?"
"I need you to keep my secret, Hyunjin... This is really important to me... When I told you about Jinsu's mother threatening me...I was not exaggerating... I am not supposed to tell anyone about that. I cannot tell you more because I don't want to put you or Su-jin in danger...but I promise you that what I told you was real... I really need to know that you will keep my secret, Hyunjin... Please, promise me that you won't tell anyone about the things we talked about today..."
"Jisung...you don't need to worry... I'm really good at keeping secrets... So...your secret is safe with me..."
He sighed in relief. Jisung's body relaxed and the slow breathes he released afterward were soothing to my ears.
After some more time, he separated from me and cupped my face. He saw my tears, and stared at them, "do you want to talk about them?"
I shook my head, "maybe another time... Right now, there is so much going on in my head... I feel dizzy... I need to rest..."
He nodded. A soft expression on his face. "I'll get going then..."
"Wait..." I grabbed one end of his robes before this one could go.
"Yes?"
"I-"
He tilted his head at my lack of response. "Yes?"
"Am I..." I tightened my grip on his robes, "Am I going to see you again?"
Jisung snickered, "we must..."
"Huh?"
"I mean..." he looked behind and stared at Su-jin for some seconds before turning back to me, "if not for the Spanish lessons...I would really like you to allow me to spend time with your baby...if...if that is not a problem..."
I lowered my head. That somehow hurt.
"And..." he added immediately, "of course, I would like to spend time with you... It's been a while since I had a deep talk with someone that wasn't my brother..."
I shook my head, wearing a weak smile, "no need to lie... I know you want to spend time with Su-jin and Kkami more than with me..."
He smacked his lips, "Kkami won my heart in the past... Su-jin won my heart today at a simple glance... And you...you are weird..."
I ran a hand through my hair. I was so tired emotionally to even argue about that.
"Hey...I'm joking..." he said while placing a hand on my cheek, "bad time for jokes, right?"
"Yeah..." I nodded, "really a bad time..."
"Okay...then... Shall we meet again in the week and start all over? I promise to come back with the attitude of a teacher and not with the one of an old acquaintance..."
I stared at him. The attitude he had at the beginning was returning once again.
Jisung was overcoming the situation he faced a moment ago, which was good, but for me, it was just beginning.
"Yes..." I simply replied, "let's meet again..."
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