sorry it took so long to get this to you!
i've had uni deadlines and also a broken finger and a dislocated finger (on separate hands) so it's been hard haha
hope you all enjoy! you votes and comments are appreciated. i will be replying to any and all <3
some big news is announced in this chapter too! it might hurt a few of you (lil warning haha)
~***~
Zara ended up staying with me for the entire duration that I was in the UK. She was a little surprised by how little work Max and I had to prepare the twins' room - everything was still unassembled, in boxes, and potential swatches of paint lines the once white walls. As Zara had rightly pointed out, it felt more like an office than a space for children to grow up, and so together we spent our time decorating. She had an artistic side to her, one that was shown in the intricately painted flowers on three of the four walls of the square room. On the other one, she used the pale orange paint to cover the whole surface, and then used a white and black to create a race track that ran from one side to the other. A part of me was tempted to ask her to paint mine and Max's room, but that would've been asking too much. All in all, I was happy to know that our kids were going to grow up with a piece of their biological mother, even if it was in something as small as the paint on the walls. I couldn't wait to see Max's reaction - it saved him a job to do in-between his busy schedule and looked amazing.
With circles under my eyes big and dark enough to be mistaken for an incoming storm, I tearfully bid Zara farewell and boarded Lewis's private jet to Malaysia. Flying commercial to such a highly-anticipated Grand Prix wasn't really an option. For one, everything was either sold out or would cost me more than what I was paying Lewis to borrow his plane, and secondly, the thought of being recognised and bombarded with questions was enough to make the bitter taste of vomit rise in the back of my mouth. The plane was due to land a little before midday on Thursday, meaning that I wouldn't miss out on any media duties (unfortunately).
I had been completely off social media ever since posting that video of myself. I turned off news notifications so I didn't have the urge to check if there was a response from my anonymous enemy. I had set my phone to 'Do Not Disturb', only responding to messages from Max and Lizzie, who was still standing in as my media and PR manager. Lizzie seemed to be less cold towards me in her messages which was a indication that she had probably seen my video. Maybe it will help people understand, but maybe it's made everything so much more complicated.
"Lys," my name slipped through Max's lips as we tightly embraced. He had been waiting right outside of security and greeted me with a large smile. My right cheek was pressed firmly against his chest and my arms were locked around him; I didn't want to let go. We had only been apart for a few days but it had been a challenging time. "God, I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too," I mumbled.
"I'm sorry I couldn't fly home to you, but they needed me here."
I pulled away and shook my head. "You don't need to apologise. Zara was a huge help and I can honestly say that we had a good couple of days just the two of us. Look at the girls' room!" I excitedly pulled my phone from my pocket and presented the picture that displayed the nearly-completed room. "I used the colour you wanted, and we assembled a lot of the furniture together."
"It looks amazing. I'm glad you two are getting along," he spoke with a look of relief on his face, seemingly expecting a rivalry between the Dutch girl and myself.
"I have no reason to dislike her, really," I said, shrugging my shoulders. Max took my suitcase in one hand and linked his fingers of the other with mine as we began to head towards to car park. "What happened between you guys was before we got back together so I can't hold any resentment there. For once, I'm glad you have a type because it means we're actually similar and have shared interests. Did you know she prays for our safety before every single race?"
Max's face brightened with a smile. "Really?"
I nodded my head. "It's sweet. I wish I could have the same belief and faith in something that she does. She also mentioned something about raising the girls in a way that makes them aware of religion, and I told her that I'd speak to you about it."
"But neither of us are religious?" Max's words sounded more like a question than a statement. It just so happened that we had reached his hire car at this point, which was parked pretty poorly between the white lines of a space.
"No," was my initial answer, but I paused and reconsidered as Max lifted my bags into the boot of his car, "well, I don't think I am. I mean, I believe in something, a higher power of some kind. My views don't align with any set religion, but I do find myself praying on occasion, I just never know who or what I'm praying to. It probably doesn't make any sense to you because it doesn't make any sense to me, but there is some comfort in seeking advice and guidance from something non-physical in nature. It's like even when I'm alone, I'm not on my own, if you get me?"
"I completely get that, schatje," he replied, closing the back of the car with a soft thud. He continued to speak as we made our way around to our respective sides of the car (he was driving). "For me, it's better to believe in something than nothing at all. I don't believe in God or anything like that, but I can't help but wonder if the way I approach things would be different if I did. It's confusing and hurts my brain to think about, and that leads to me getting all exi-ex..."
"Existential?" I looked over the top of the car to Max with a small smile as he struggled to get the word out, his accent making it cuter.
He climbed into the car and I followed suit, matching his laughter. "Yeah, that. I mean, until you mentioned it just now, I hadn't even considered religion when raising our girls, but now I am. My only issue is that I wouldn't know the first thing about teaching them about this sort of thing."
I inhaled softly through my nose, the cherry car freshener filling my nostrils as I considered an approach. I don't know the first thing about teaching a child about religion either. "We can't decide what the girls are going to believe in, and I feel like it's a choice or conclusion they should come to themselves. As long as what they believe doesn't harm them or others in any way, the best we can do is support them."
"I agree."
I raised my hand up and held it in front of him. Max smiled and slapped his palm against mine, fingers wrapping around my own after the contact. "First proper parenting talk - nailed it!"
"What if there's something we disagree about further down the line?"
I ran my tongue over my chapped bottom lip. "Disagreements are inevitable. As long as we promise to hear the other out, we should be able to come to a reasonable compromise, right?"
"And if that doesn't work?"
"We'll deal with it as it comes," I told him. "There's no point panicking over a disagreement that hasn't happened yet. We're going to be parents together, which means we both hold equal weight in the discussions."
"That makes sense," he agreed.
A natural silence fell over us as the gentle chatter of the radio filled the empty space of the car. The Sepang circuit was only a short drive from the airport so a lot of my silence was due to the nerves building in the pit of my stomach. I had yet to encounter the media since posting the vulnerable video of myself and I had no indication of the reaction from the general public.
Since I had already changed into my Mercedes shirt at the airport, I had no need to delay my paddock entrance. The thin white fabric folded between my nervous fingers and the skin on my bottom lip became thinner with ever bite. My stomach dropped at the thought of the possibility I had only made things worse for myself by posting the video.
"Everything will be okay," Max's reassuring words snapped me from my daydream where I ran through the worst possible outcomes for walking into the paddock. He pulled the hand brake up and then moved his hand to my leg, tracing small circles on the fabric of my shorts. "We have some interviews together today, I made sure of it, so you can use me for support if you should need it."
"Thank you," I gratefully replied, smiling up at my boyfriend.
"I'm excited to yell at the reporters who try to shit talk you, Zara, or the kids."
I couldn't help but laugh. "You shouldn't be excited for something like that."
"It's funny watching them panic, thinking that I'm going to knock their lights out," he explained. "Maybe if they feel threatened by me, they won't even think about chatting shit."
"Oh, I love you," I told him with a chuckle. "Walk in with me?"
"It would be my honour."
After locking the car, Max jogged around the front of the vehicle and met my outstretched hand. His long fingers locked tightly with mine and he made sure that his body was slightly in front of mine as we started to walk into the paddock. His protective side was sweet, and I knew that no one would dare mess with me if he was there.
My eyes couldn't help but focus a little ahead of the gates, anticipating the reporters to come around the corner at any moment. Scanning my pass was something I had done enough that I didn't even have to look, only listen for the positive 'beep' to let me know that I could follow Max through. He squeezed my hand in reassurance when he noticed my hesitation to step forward, which was the spur I needed.
Much to my surprise, there wasn't anyone waiting for me on the other side of the gates. There were members of different teams bustling by in preparation for the Grand Prix weekend, but no reporters. My body relaxed and Max became visibly less tense, seemingly noticing the same thing I did.
Lizzie's bright smile appeared through the steady stream of people walking across the paddock, catching me off guard. "Alyssa!" I hadn't expected her to greet me in such a pleasant manner.
"Hi," I nervously said, letting go of Max's hand so she could wrap her arms around my shoulders in a hug. Max had taken a few paces forward and turned to look at me so I was able to see the confusion on his face, something I'm sure was a mirror of the look on my own. "You alright?"
"We've got a lot to catch up on to get you up to speed for the weekend," she spoke in the cheery tone I hadn't heard in her voice in a while. Pulling away, she kept me at arms length. "You ready?"
"I- uh, yeah, I guess," I replied.
"Before you head to any of your media commitments, Toto has requested that you meet him in his office, so I'll take you there now. Hope you slept a lot on the plane because you have a busy day ahead of you."
My heart dropped to my stomach. Oh. That explains the upbeat demeanour, I thought. To me, it was clear that she was only acting this way because I was about to get some bad news, or have a difficult meeting with Toto. I could only guess to the severity of the news - was I being demoted? was I about to be fired completely? - I had no idea.
Max looked like he wanted to say something, and his hand that gently gripped my wrist as Lizzie tried to pull me towards the Mercedes garage told me everything. He, too, must've been putting the pieces together. In our careers, we had both been dealt our fair share of disappointing news. They try and make the news easier to deal by softening the blows with either a positive demeanour or some good news to balance the bad. This felt like one of those times. "Let me know how things go after, okay?"
"Of course," I told him, offering a small smile of reassurance. "See you later, love." With that, Max let me go, and I was being lead in the direction of Toto's office.
"A little word of warning," Lizzie began as we weaved through the seemingly growing number of people, "there might be a lot of questions during the media sessions later regarding the most recent article that was posted."
I frowned and folded my arms across my chest tightly. "Well, you can just put out a blanket statement to anyone who wants that question answered - if you believe the bullshit they're saying about how I'm not fit to drive, then clearly you haven't been watching my season."
"I've tried to minimise it as much as I can," she continued, although I could see her uneasiness. What did Lizzie have to be uneasy for? She didn't have any rumours spiralling about her. "It's not an easy job, you know. Damien handled it so much better than I ever could."
I bit my lips together in order to stop a bitchy comment about my former friend from slipping out. Instead, I just hummed, and continued to follow Lizzie in silence.
The cool air conditioned room of the Mercedes building was a nice contrast to the humid conditions outside. I adjusted my ponytail so that it sat higher, allowing for the back of my neck to be exposed to the pleasant chill. A few familiar faces that I recognised as members of my side of the garage offered me a small smile. Maybe it was the paranoid side of me but it felt as if their smiles didn't quite reach their eyes, like it was a forced pleasantry. I didn't know if Toto had told them about my little outburst after he told me I couldn't race, but if he did that could certainly explain it. Or perhaps they were pissed about the extra work I had given them last weekend with no points to show for their efforts? Or-
Lizzie clearing her throat snapped me from my daze. We had come to a stop in front of the door to Toto's office. I suddenly became aware of my heart, which felt like it was thumping behind my ribs at the pace of my Formula One car. As I balled my hands into fists, I couldn't tell if the sweat on my palms was from the heat outside or nerves - either way, my mind was racing with the possibilities.
Stepping into the room alone, I was very aware of Toyo's stern stare watching me as I closed the door behind me. His hands were neatly folded on top of a stack of papers on his desk, and his glasses pushed his hair back away from his face. "Alyssa," he acknowledged with a curt nod of his head, "take a seat."
I tentatively sat down in front of him. A quick glance to my teammate on my left didn't ease my nerves as he only offered a polite smile before looking back at Toto. His usual braids were covered with a satin durag.
"I-"
"Before you start," I interrupted Toto, the words spitting from my mouth like a broken tap before I could stop them, "I just wanted to apologise for our last interaction. My emotions were high and I never should've accused you of the things I did."
Toto's eyes scanned me carefully before he finally spoke, voice slow and low. "I appreciate the apology, but we still need to talk about next season and your contract." I closed my eyes and sighed. "I need to make you aware that, this morning, George Russell signed to be our driver for the twenty-twenty-two season."
No. My heart squeezed and I could feel the weight of the world crashing down on me. Were they really letting me go after just the one season? I know I've had my fair share of problems, but I was and still am the driver that's keeping their championship hopes alive. "I-I don't understand, my contract isn't up until the end of next year."
With a sad smile, Toto met my eyes. "It's not you he's going to be replacing."
"I-" I furrowed my brow in confusion, "what? So, wait, if he's not my replacement, then-"
"-he's mine," Lewis finished my sentence for me, reading his hand over to my lap and giving my hand a squeeze. I looked over to my teammate with wide eyes and mouth agape, unable to find the words to articulate the punch in the stomach this news was. "I've decided that my time in the driver's seat is up. It's time that I took a step back and focused on my health."
"No," was all I could manage, still not fully processing the news. No Lewis. George Russell. You're on your own.
"This is a decision we came to together," Toto said, "and it was not one made easily. Lewis has been a crucial part of the team for a long time now, and I think it's fair to say that he's played a role in your development as a driver over the past two years, too."
"That's why I'm not leaving the sport completely." I turned my head to Lewis and appreciated the small smile that he gave me as he spoke. There was an obvious sadness in his voice at closing this chapter of his career and I was still in shock and incredibly confused. He seemed to pick up on that, because he then continued, "I will be heavily involved in the development side of things, coaching you guys as drivers and offering my skills as best as I can. I won't be at every single race, but I'll try to make as many as I can for you."
"So I'll be partnering George next season?" I asked. Toto nodded his head in clarification. "But he's only been with Williams since the start of the year. Is he ready?"
"Need I remind you that you only had a year in the sport before you joined us?" Toto pointed out.
"Yeah, but I was out of a seat and you were missing a driver."
"That's not the reason we hired you, Alyssa. We were going to try and get you if your contract was up or not - you showed something that we wanted. You didn't need to wow us with words or a presentation, you did all the talking on track. I see some similarities in George Russell which is why I think he'll be a good partner for you and be a great aid in supporting you on the way to the championship," the team principal said, leaning forward in his chair. "The hope is that this partnership will extend for the foreseeable future, which is why I want to begin contract negotiations with you now in the hopes of re-signing mid-next year."
I exhaled softly, still not fully taking in his words. This conversation went a lot different to how I thought it was going to go. "You want to keep me even after everything?"
"Especially after everything."
"There's no other driver quite like you, Alyssa," Lewis declared, "and there is no one else who I trust more to continue to lead Mercedes towards greatness. Behind every decision you make is passion, and you always strive to do best by other people. The future is you."
"So," I swallowed hard, "I'm not fired?"
Toto's loud laugh rang through the small office like a bell, with Lewis's following shortly after. I nervously chuckled, glancing between the two men with an awkward smile. My fingers of my right hand were still twisting the fabric of my clothes, but now with more power.
"Of course not!" Toto managed to get out once his laughter died down. "I'm not going to get rid of you because of our disagreement last week." The word 'disagreement' felt like an understatement. "I've been with you through this season and I've seen what you've overcome. It'll take more than some article to change my opinion about you. In fact, I want to make sure that you don't ever doubt my faith and belief in you again by offering you the first driver position for next season."
"This feels like a dream," I said as an exhale. Much to my surprise (mostly because I thought he was still disappointed in me), Lewis's hand on my own moved to my leg, where he pinched the skin - hard. "Ow!" I explained in pain, pulling my hand over the area and caressing the sensitive skin. His cheeky grin washed all annoyance away.
"You're not dreaming."
"I'm not dreaming," I echoed Lewis's words. "Holy shit."
"Stop!" Toto's loud voice made me jump as he pointed a finger to Lewis. I watched in confusion as the Brit hastily pulled his phone from his pocket and stopped the running stopwatch, letting out a groan as he did so.
"Four minutes, thirty six," Lewis read the time allowed, much to the satisfaction of Toto.
"Yes!" he cheered, a winning smile on his once-tense face. "You can pay up later, Lewis."
"I-I-huh?" What the fuck was going on?
As if reading my thoughts, Toto explained. "Before we came in, we had a little bet going to see how long it would be before you swore. I said you wouldn't last five minutes, and I was right, so Lewis now owes me fifty. I knew I could count on my favourite bad-mouthed driver to help me out."
"You bet how long it would take me to swear? Fuck you." Even though my words sounded aggressive, I couldn't help but chuckle along. It was kinda funny. "How'd you know I was going to swear?"
"Isn't that what you do in most situations?" Toto got me there.
"And it's things like this that I'm going to miss most about being your teammate," Lewis said in a somewhat-endearing way. "I sound like a bubble Bath compared to your mud-pit mouth."
I folded my arms across my chest. "I'm dating a Dutchman, leave me alone."
"Speaking of Max, I will need to talk to you about him at a later date."
"Why?" Just as quickly as I had loosened up, my walls shot back up and I felt the need to be defensive. So she me, I haven't had great experience with my team supporting my love life in the past, although Mercedes have been miles better in comparison to Force India.
Toto rolled his eyes. "It's not bad, don't worry. I just need to have a discussion about the best ways to support you. Doesn't he have twins on the way?"
"Yes, we have twins on the way," I corrected. "We're doing the whole parenting thing together." In my head I was checking off my mental box that they have seen the video, or at least heard about it. That would at the every least explain why Lewis was acting warmer towards me.
"Then I believe congratulations are in order."
I smiled at my boss. "Thank you, Toto, that means a lot."
"I take it you'll be raising them as Mercedes fans?" Lewis asked.
I grinned. "That's the only right way."
~***~
*not edited*
she's back with a bad chapter ending! woo! i'll try and fix it up at a later date.
thank you so much for all your recent support on this book and my others! it really means a lot. the new season always brings in new readers so hi!
if you're a newer reader, you might not know about my other projects. so i have a completed OCxLatifi/Norris completed fic called 'i love you', a completed OCxLando fic called 'grief' (its sad so warning there) and an ongoing project called 'drive' which is completely fictional but still f1 centred in the year 1995, and it has a similar concept to this series so i'm sure you'll enjoy it. when i'm not updating this book, i'm working on 'drive'. it's my baby. a new chapter was uploaded recently so go show it some love!
i started new antidepressants recently and it's taking a while to get used to them which is another reason why it's taken so long for this chapter to get out. i'm not going to apologise for my mental health, i'm sick of doing that haha.
qotc: just out of curiosity, which aspect of this book do you enjoy most? the detailed races? the driver interactions? the drama? perhaps something else?
aotc: for me as a writer, it really depends on my mood. sometimes i cannot be arsed to write a detailed race haha but then other times it's all i want to do. same with the other aspects - it's all dependent on my mood which is why there's such a variety. i feel like my current state is also reflected in the chapters i write, like when my depression is hitting, they're usually more dark which i apologise for but if i'm sad, you best believe i'm exploiting that.