It was hard to believe that it had only been a week since arriving on Asgard. But finally everything seemed to be looking up. I was hoping it was just going to be one crazy blip in an otherwise calmer and more peaceful stay here. That's what seemed likely to happen. Loki and I spent the majority of Saturday in each other's company finally talking. He told me about his work trying to repair the damage to the land in the East, hoping that future harvests wouldn't be as dire as before due to his efforts. About the orphanage he funded and occasionally visited. And, finally, about the ins and outs of being engaged to him. What my role actually entailed, what was expected and required, as well as his hopes for how we could change for the better together. He was just as willing to change the issues as I was, which filled me with so much hope and happiness. It all seemed positive and hopeful. Both of us were on the same page for the most part, and in the areas we disagreed with, we usually found a suitable compromise. Mostly, I didn't want to do a tour of Asgard that included visiting the Lords and Ladies, so we settled on visiting those that aligned with our views but focussing more on connecting with the people of Asgard. I wanted to visit orphanages and hospitals, and focus on giving back to those that suffered the most during the past few years of turmoil. Perhaps along the way Loki would be able to come to terms with his actions and heal as well. At least we could try.
My relationship with Rúna was improving as well, at least we weren't the awkward strangers we were when I arrived. She was no longer as scared of Loki, or rather she'd recognised that with me here he wasn't going to be as much of a tyrant as he'd clearly had been in the past. When I returned the dress she'd allowed me to borrow to sneak out of the palace, I'd finally seen why she requested to take some of my clothes. A part of me had assumed that she wanted them for herself, but I was very wrong. She'd recycled the fabric into smaller dresses for her two little sisters. After that I told her she was welcome to take anything not green, gold, or black. Given that those were the only colours I wasn't able to wear anything else anyway so it wasn't exactly a hard decision to make. It was better that someone was able to wear the fabric. We even made plans to possibly make clothes to donate to the local orphanage. Small incidents of good we could accomplish before tackling the beast of inequality throughout Asgard. Overall, it was looking better. My relationships here were strengthening and that only secured my position more. Even better than that, during my early morning training on Sunday I'd caught a glimpse of soldiers using their shields as a weapon instead of just defensively, which gave me an idea of how to take down Sif in combat. Thor seemed more positive as well, and I was relieved to see the shield around his mind as well as everyone else's gone.
However, there were still things that loomed over me. The fact that Eir couldn't heal me, that it was likely I'd have to live with that uncertainty forever, was crushing. I don't think I'd realised before how big of an insecurity that would be. Still, it was somewhat softened by the fact that on Asgard it couldn't be used against me. Barely anyone knew here, on Earth it felt like an open secret. At least, that's what Loki assured me and I tried my best to focus on that. It didn't stop the anxiety completely though. The second issue that still unnerved me was Odin. The knowledge that the stones would all call to me, that I could be made to take on more power, was terrifying. Given the right circumstances, I wouldn't be able to refuse. I already knew how powerless it felt. I tried to cling on to the knowledge that it was Odin. He wouldn't use me like Hydra did, or like the Red Room would have eventually used me. If I did take on that much power, it would be for a good reason. He wouldn't coerce me otherwise. Nevertheless, it was still uncomfortable. I'd not been on Asgard long, but I knew I would give my life to protect this world, to protect the people here I cared about. That is what concerned me the most. If the option was between letting him die and taking on the power of the stones, ultimately I would choose the stones. Even if it meant destroying myself. Finally, the fact that I was yet to hear news from Earth had begun to weigh on me heavily. Every day without news was a day something on mission could have gone wrong. And while missions have taken longer than expected before, this one felt so mapped out already that it was hard to imagine it taking so long.
The lack of communication from Earth is what bothered me the most. The other two things were just facts I had to live with, the situation on Earth was completely unsure. I'd even debated begging Heimdall for information but I knew that would be pointless. He couldn't interfere with what he saw unless it threatened Asgard. Telling me would be interfering. I thought it was a good loophole but Loki assured me it wasn't one he'd be willing to exploit. Perhaps my nerves were why I ditched everything without a second thought when word reached me that Heimdall called for me despite being in the middle of training and only just about to begin my spar with Sif. When I heard Heimdall's voice in my head requesting my presence, I didn't hesitate to teleport out of the arena. I didn't think about how it could worry Thor or confuse Sif. The only thing on my mind was that he had some form of news. Like always he stood tall and firm, his golden armour shining as he stood on the platform which opened the Bifrost, his large sword the only thing separating me from Earth.
"You've been called back to Midgard, my Lady. I believe you'll find the situation that awaits you rather urgent. Word has been sent to Prince Loki already, and he will arrive soon." The mission was over. Data would have been found, and maybe even Bucky. And given the fact that I was now engaged to Loki, I knew that it may be the last time I was on Earth for a while. I'd weighed all of this up on Friday, but it didn't stop it hurting less.
"You hesitate." Heimdall noted, but it seemed like he was stating a fact that would never change. Almost like he expected that response from me, despite being so desperate to know what happened back on Earth. Perhaps it was the nerves of informing them that I may not be back for a while. Likely it was the fact that Loki was in the East and word wouldn't get to him for a while.
"I... I am leaving. If things are that urgent then I can't wait. I just know he's not going to be very happy about me leaving without him. He already thinks I put myself in danger without thought."
"From what I have seen he is not entirely wrong, Princess." I rolled my eyes at him, not just because of the meaning of his words but also at the name. Right from the beginning people had used that name, knowing that the truth in Loki's actions that drove me insane was known by everyone else but me, and also dangled in front of me.
"Don't you start. You of all people should know I'm not a Princess."
"You may not be a Princess officially, but there are some who view you as one. The majority of the guards may not rally behind you until after the courting ceremony, however I for one consider my protection to extend to you with or without the ceremony." That surprised me. I'd always expected him to strictly follow that law, but I guess there was leeway in everything. I wanted to see how far we could push those loopholes.
"Does that mean you'll protect me, even when I am on Earth, Heimdall?"
There was a long silence followed by a sigh. Surely he would have seen such a request? He did say I fall under his protection, I knew that if there was danger to Thor then provisions were in place to grant him assistance if considered dire enough. Did that only fall to the Crown Prince?
"I cannot interfere in the matters of Midgard, or the other seven realms, Princess. But had you be in danger and ask me for something that does not involve either me leaving my post or endangering Asgard, then it shall be done. I will serve you in the same way I serve the Princes." That I could work with, and I hoped it would soften the blow a little to Loki. He really wouldn't like the idea of me leaving without him, regardless of how safe I was he would convince himself I wouldn't be.
"So if I'm in danger on Earth, and asked you to inform someone, could you do so?" He laughed slightly, clearly seeing what I was asking of him.
"I do not consider fulfilling wishes in this way as interference, as I myself would not change the outcome of Midgardian business. Had you call for me, I will inform the Prince of your situation, not just to Loki but Thor as well. Regardless of where they may find themselves. If they then choose to intervene, well it wouldn't break my oath."
"Thanks, Heimdall. And... if you don't mind telling Loki that when he storms in here and shouts at you for letting me leave without him. Hopefully he'll listen." There was no way he was going to listen. The moment he found out I left without him, I doubt his anger would ever listen to reason. Regardless, I stepped up as Heimdall opened up the Bifrost and with closed eyes.
On my time in Asgard so much happened that I wasn't truly able to worry too much about the mission. Still, it lingered as a worry in the back of my mind. I tried hard not to dwell on it, knowing I had no power to change it or influence what happened. But knowing that they were fighting Hydra, chasing down Barnes and looking for information that can help deprogram me, it left me uncomfortable. Regardless of the danger I posed, part of me wished I could be there. However, it was easy to convince myself that it was an unnecessary worry. So many people went on the mission, all of them capable of protecting each other. I told myself that nothing would go wrong on the Lagos mission. I kept telling that to myself even as Nat met me and led me into a debriefing with just the two of us. Despite the fact that I knew it should have been Steve or Tony meeting me, despite knowing that the smile and laughter Nat offered me had hidden sadness behind it, I told myself it had to be fine. It wasn't fine. The mission had ended three days ago, and they hadn't called me. Too focussed in dealing with the consequences. Nat gave me a quick rundown before leaving me alone to watch the amalgamation of news coverage given to me. Numbly, I watched through everything as I tried to come to terms with what had happened. Ultimately, there was one thought that lingered in my mind. I should have been there. I could have shielded the blast, I could have distracted Rumlow from his goal, I could have done something. Instead I was on another planet away from those I should be protecting. And it was only going to keep happening now.
There was no time to dwell on it. Instead I wasted no time and teleported to my room, quickly dressing in clothes more suitable to this planet, and finding Wanda through tracking her power. I didn't expect her to be in a building on the outskirts of the compound, far removed from her usual apartment. Alarms gave me away, blaring sirens as soon as I found myself landed on the cream carpet of what seemed to be her new bedroom. As she worked to shut off the alarms, and ensure that Vision knew there was no threat, I took in sight of the place. The space was large and open, usually full of light due to the multiple windows, a feature her last bedroom shared. We never spoke about it, but it was always obvious to me that she wanted it this way to get away from the dark and claustrophobic feeling that came from our cells in Hydra. From what I remembered it was always dark, damp, and dank.
"So they finally called you back." She didn't turn to face me as she retreated back to sit on her bed, turning back to the news coverage playing in front of her. Without a word, I raised a shield around the room, reinforcing it with several runes. She stiffened as she felt my power extend around her space. Still in silence, I slowly sat beside her on her bed and wrapped an arm around her waist.
"No one can hear us now, not even Vision." A brief memory slipped through, one of me shielding her so she could cry in the cells, so Pietro couldn't hear her.
She relaxed into me, laying her head into my shoulder blade. Finally, a small sob racked her body and her body began shaking gently. I held her in silence as she let it out. I dreaded to think how long she'd kept these tears in. Trying to put on a brave show for everyone else around her, trying to keep it together, and completely failing to give herself time to process it completely. She'd been keeping up appearances her whole life, for her brother and for the team. The only other time I'd seen her this vulnerable was in the days after Pietro died. She ate and trained and worked her ass off, but on some nights I would come to see her to escape from it all and I would find her quietly crying into her pillow. I never went to her then, letting her grieve alone. It was something I'd come to regret, letting her think she had to do it all alone. Still, I didn't want her to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw her in a moment that was private. Or heard a particularly loud train of thoughts from her. Having limited privacy in communal living was hard enough, so we tried our best to keep out of others' heads. But knowing I may not be able to be here for her in the same way for much longer, made me reconsider all I'd done in my time here. I should have been here for her more. After a while the tears stopped, but I still held her into me and gently stroked her hair.
"I've never killed people before. Hydra... they never got to that point in the training and it was not what our mission was for. Sokovia wasn't like this, those that died were not a result of my actions. This had never happened before." As she began to speak, she moved away from me. She didn't look at me however, eyes locked back to the tv.
"It... it doesn't get easier. Not really. You don't want it to either. The hurting, it seems too much to feel, but that's what you want to hold on to, ultimately. It's when you become numb to it, it's when you lose your humanity, that's when you're truly fucked." I sighed, realising my words may be doing more harm than good. "At least that's what I tell myself. It does little to help. But this... fuck Wanda you were holding a bomb! If you hadn't reacted when you had, far more civilians would be dead, as well as you and Steve. You are not to blame for this if anything you should blame Rumlow." She laughed once and it was full of bitterness.
"That's not true. I should have had better control. Pushed it higher in the air or surrounded the blast in a shield like you would've." And here I was always comparing myself to her power.
"My shielding likely comes from my seiðr, not the Mind Stone."
"And yet I feel the Stone in your shield now, Kaya. I feel it in you a lot stronger than before you left. We both know that if you had been there, you would have shielded the blast successfully."
"Or Rumlow activates me and I kill far more. You can't do everything Wanda, and you shouldn't hold yourself to such high standards."
I went to bring my hands out to hers, to stop her from picking the skin around her nails, but she snapped back from me.
"But they do, Kaya! You of all people know how much harder it is for some of us. If Steve makes a mistake it's completely ignored, if Tony does something they hate enough people will love him for it. For us, for Nat, for Sam, it's different. They have been waiting for a moment to villainise all of us, and I just handed them mine." That wasn't something that I could prove otherwise. It was glaringly obvious. The consequences of her actions were currently unknown, but Nat informed me that Tony was arriving back today with news. I didn't doubt that a few people would use this to their advantage. Many people in high positions of power hated what we represented, hated that we changed the status quo, and would do anything to ensure that power remained in their hands. We provided too much stability to situations some people profited from being unstable. And now they had something to hold against Wanda, one of the few of us who didn't have a tarnished reputation. Someone who didn't have split blood in their past. Not directly. No matter what I said to Wanda, I'd never be able to convince her that this wouldn't be held against her. Ultimately, it didn't matter who was at fault, because the public already blamed her. All that mattered now were the consequences of such a public blowout. But as we sat in silence on her bed, the muttering of the news in the background, no one could have foretold how extensive those consequences were going to be.
A/N - The end of this story inherently is going to become more plot based as we close out the end of the first part of Kaya and Loki's story, so I apologise if this becomes a bit more dreary. I'll try to add some spice into it before part one draws to a close