A big gulp escaped out of my mouth when Jisung told me about keeping the secret of his wife and daughter's death. Also to keep away from any Hwang members given the fact I am one of them.
The fact that he could have been describing the life of my cousin, Jinsu, made me stand up from the couch and hold my head in distress.
I was getting crazy. The coincidences were just too many to handle.
I wanted to take a break. I wanted to sit alone somewhere and revise the information that was provided to me. I wanted to digest this little by little.
Thank God Jisung was so engrossed with Su-jin that he didn't notice my distraught state. He also didn't notice the face I made when he mentioned to keep away from people with the last name 'Hwang'.
"Jisung..."
"Yes?"
"Can you keep an eye on Su-jin for me? I need to go to the bathroom..."
"Sure...no problem. Take your time..."
I came up with the typical and silly excuse of going to the bathroom. Nothing else came to my mind in that instant. Fortunately, Jisung found nothing strange with my excuse.
Since Jisung nodded at me and told me to take my time, I left without questioning myself. For some reason, I knew he would be taking care of my baby as much as I do just by the way he was holding Su-jin.
Kkami was with them as well, so I went knowing that the three would be fine in my absence.
Instead of going to the bathroom or my room, I went to my 'room painting'. I opened the door of this place and sat, leaning my back against the door. I folded my legs and brought them to my chest. I hid my head between my knees and let out a trembling sigh. I felt so dizzy, overwhelmed and woeful.
"Jinsu... Jinsu..." I repeated the name of my cousin in a low tone. I felt my voice splitting, "w-why all of these points at you? Why are you everywhere but also nowhere? Where the fuck did you go? Why the fuck did you disappear?"
I didn't even know where I should start analyzing the things I got to know today.
"When did we stop seeing each other?"
The feeling inside my heart was pounding so fast as if wanting to pierce my chest and go right through the skin. The memories and pieces of knowledge were dancing in my head. Going from one corner to the other.
"Why you never came to visit me- no. Why I never went to visit you?"
Also, a cry wanted to go out of my throat, but I couldn't let it out. I just couldn't.
The vivid image of my cousin laughing or teasing me appeared in my head. That sweet smile and lovely human being whining on my shoulder and telling me how much she likes this guy she met.
When I felt the need to release my tears, I looked up and saw something that made my eyes and heart shrink.
What was in front of me was like a revelation of the things I just got to know today.
"No fucking way..."
In front of me, there was the paint I painted a couple of weeks ago. This paint was created out of boredom and tiredness from a long day.
I painted this the day I crossed paths with Jisung again. That time Chan hyung and his online friend finally met.
My mouth opened to say something else, but nothing came out besides those curse words that practically said it all.
This painting lacked so much sense to me when I just finished it, but now, with the information Jisung gave about his life, it suddenly recovered sense.
Two tears rolled down my eyes as I stood up wary. I approached the paint just to have a better look at the girl and the guy portrayed there.
It cost me just one glance to confirm it. There were no more doubts about it. The girl and the boy didn't look like Jisung and Jinsu. They were Jisung and Jinsu. I had painted my cousin, Jinsu, and my first love, Jisung, without me realizing it.
Unconsciously, my body started to quiver. A lump formed in my throat and made this one dry.
With blurry eyes, I scrutinized the paint again and took some mental notes about it.
In the painting, the girl looked extremely gorgeous and delicate. It looked like an English rose. The silhouette, the porcelain skin, the features, the length, and the color of the hair...everything shouted Hwang Jinsu.
How is it that I didn't notice this before?!
In the painting, the girl was looking down at her lover with a tender expression and tears falling down her eyes. The fact that the background resembled heaven sent shivers through my spine.
The girl looked heavenly, and that was not something good given the information Jisung had told me about his wife.
I closed my eyes and tightened them to get rid of another pair of tears that wanted to go free.
When I opened them, I focused my sight on the guy, on the other side of the frame.
This one has his hands together in prayer. He is also crying. More than crying, he looks like begging. He looks devastated.
This person is looking up in the direction of the girl. You could see his grief as wanting to do something -or everything- to reach his lover, but for some reason, this one cannot reach her.
It was the clear representation of someone taking care of his loved one from the afterworld while the other was crying for the one that left.
It's heartbreaking. I have never painted something like this.
This is not my style at all.
I had painted, exactly, Jisung's story with his wife.
"Don't fuck with me like this, please..." I placed a hand over my mouth and released a trembling sob. My left hand was shaking. "How is it possible that I drew this? What was I thinking when I drew this? Why don't I remember?"
The more I stared at the paint, the more I felt my heart shatter.
I didn't want to live with this pain and think that what Jisung said had something to do with my cousin.
If that was true...if Jisung had been talking about Jinsu all this time, then that means that the least I should be worried about is that my cute guy and favorite cousin had a love story together without me knowing and that they got married and had a baby.
That would be the less important thing to be shocked about right now.
And that is because the development of that story ends in death. And that is not good.
If what Jisung is telling me is related to Jinsu, then that means that Jinsu, my Jinsu is...dead.
"But- No...no. That's not true... There needs to be an explanation for this coincidence...he said they had a girl...but Su-jin is a boy...and I never saw Jinsu pregnant...But- I mean– How wouldn't I know if she was pregnant or not? Did I really spend so much time without seeing her? But- Still...why wouldn't she tell me about it? Wait- Why am I talking as if this was true?!"
My head was about to hurt from all the information. I couldn't believe this.
This had to be one of those awful chapters written in the novels I tend to read. Those shocking chapters that leave you with a bitter taste in the mouth for as long as you read the next one to appease the anguish.
In the middle of this confusion, I took my phone out and rapidly searched for Chan's number. If there is someone with whom I can vent everything and analyze it in detail, it is him.
I definitely needed his brain in this matter because mine was about to sear.
But when I was about to press the call button on his contact, I changed my mind and looked for another number.
Actually, the person that can clarify all of this and tell me the whereabouts of my cousin is Jinsu's father. My uncle.
I hovered above his contact and pressed it right after without thinking twice. I waited for the other line to pick up my call in the meantime I kept my stare on the girl painted on the canvas. The resemblance between that girl and my cousin was so evident that it made me feel like a nitwit for not recognising it before.
Three rings, four rings, five rings, but nothing. The call sent me right to voicemail.
I pressed his number a couple more times, and after the ninth try, he finally answered.
"Hyunjin, hello... I'm sorry for not answering right away... I just got out of a meeting... What happened? Is everything okay with Su-jin? Is everything okay with you?"
My uncle's voice sounded worried. I have never insisted on a call. I normally send a message right after telling him it was just to check upon Su-jin. But not this time, I kept insisting until I forced him to pick up.
He said he just got out of a meeting, but the reality must be that he paused the meeting just to take my call.
Even though I knew this, it took me time to answer. Now that I listened to his voice, I was doubting whether or not to tell him what Jisung told me.
What if everything was in my mind and not all of this was related to my Hwang family? What if my uncle feels offended for thinking that our Jinsu could be dead? It's a hard topic. Also, it is not like there is just one Jinsu in the world, right?
But then again, the only powerful Hwang family here in Korea is us. More precisely, Jinsu's part of the family. So, the probabilities are quite high.
"Hyunjin?" My uncle's voice resounded in my head, "are you there?" And brought me back on track.
"Yes," I replied, "I'm here..."
"Are you okay?" his tone getting curious for lack of enthusiasm in my response, "did something happen to Su-jin or to you? Do you need more free days?"
I shook my head even though I knew he couldn't see me. "We are okay," I mumbled, "I didn't call you for more free days, uncle..."
I heard a sigh. It was a sigh of relief.
"I'm glad to hear that you both are okay, Hyunjin," My uncle's attention was set on me. I heard the sound of a laptop being placed on a wooden surface. His voice sounded clearer and calmer than before. He probably felt relief that his nephew and son were fine. "I don't want to be rude, buddy, but you usually call because of Su-jin, haha... It's rare when you call because of something else... Tell me...why are you calling, huh? Do you need my help with something?"
"I want to..." I paused. What I wanted is not something I wanted, but something I needed. So, I reformulated my request, "I need to talk about Jinsu..."
The other line went silent at the mention of my cousin's name.
I knew this would be happening, so I tried to insist more before he could say something and change the topic.
"Uncle, I know Jinsu is a hard topic for you and my aunt, but...you need to know I need her. She is my cousin. I cannot hide it from you anymore. I really miss her... Please, tell me where she lives...or at least give me a phone number where I can contact her... I need to hear her voice and know that she is okay... I need to talk to her and tell her my things. You know very well how close Jinsu and I were... Please, uncle... I need to see her..."
There was part of me that wanted to think that Jisung was talking about another girl that was called the same as my cousin, but everything went dark in me when I heard my uncle say, "in a couple of days, I will be in Korea... When I arrive there, I will go to your place to have a serious talk with you. It's about Jinsu..."
"Why in a couple of days?" I said, agitated. "Why do I need to wait for more to know about her? I don't think I am asking something so difficult. Why can you not tell me about her right now?"
"Hyunjin...there are some things that it's better saying in person-"
I didn't let him finish. I was so scared, so I kept talking without listening. "Just give me Jinsu's number or tell me where she lives. I know you know where she lives. I can go there and take Su-jin and Kkami with me. No matter where she is...no matter if it's another country or continent. I'll go, uncle. I'll do everything for her... I just- I just need to see her... All I need to know is that she is okay. That's all I want..."
"My boy..." My uncle's voice softened.
He has always been nice to me, but if he senses a type of rebellion he can be strict. But not this time. He was acting so caring and patient with me, even though my tone of voice was turning a little bit rude. Also, 'my boy'? It's been ages since he called me like that.
"Uncle!" I snarled.
"I'm really sorry, my boy. Please, wait for me... I'll tell you everything about my precious daughter, but this needs to be face to face..."
I ran a hand through my hair as I looked at the paint I made. I went to it and traced my fingers in the woman's figure, and with furrowed and gritted teeth, I said, "where the hell is Jinsu...? Why hasn't she contacted me? If you don't tell me right now...I'll call my aunt-"
"No. Don't call Jinsu's mother." His voice now changed.
"Why not?" I inquired with furrowed eyebrows.
"Hyunjin...please, promise me you won't do that..."
"Why? Why can't I contact my aunt?" His sudden change of voice took me aback.
Why did he get like that at the mention of my aunt?
"Just..."
The other line said no more, but I knew he was still listening to me since the minutes kept running.
I knew that there was so much going on, but with my tone of voice, I wouldn't get anything from him.
I tried to change it a little bit and bring Jinsu back to the conversation since the mention of my aunt just disturbed my uncle.
"Uncle...I think you are hiding something from me. Something huge... Why hasn't Jinsu contacted me? She always told me everything...how is it possible that she disappeared without even saying goodbye to me? I don't understand, uncle... Did I even do something to her? Have you talked to her? Does she even mention me? Does she miss me? Does she..."
It took my uncle time to reply. He was just listening to my rant.
I swear I heard him sniffle as my questions kept vomiting out of my mouth, and just then was when I stopped asking.
Sensing my silence, my uncle cleared his voice before speaking, "Jinsu did miss you... She loved you so much, Hyunjin. You were so important to her..."
"Why are you talking in past, uncle?..." If my heart was already pounding fast, now it was pounding at a light speed. That past tense didn't seem right to me. "What do you mean?"
My uncle released a long sigh. After that, he said, "tomorrow."
"What about tomorrow?" I inquired, confused.
"Tomorrow morning I'll take the first flight to Korea, and I'll tell you everything as soon as I get there. Please, wait for me in your place."
"Uncle-"
After that, he hung up.
The speed of my heart stopped. Everything in my surroundings suddenly stopped as well. It was like everything ran in slow motion.
I let the phone fall down my ear until it met the floor, cracking the screen of it and shattering it to pieces.
The only thing that played in my mind was one of the last times I saw Jinsu. She was laughing and shouting in my ears: 'Hyunjin-ah, I am so in love with him~~ He makes me soooo happy~~ I'm so in love~~ I'm so in love~~.'
I stared at the screen without blinking. My mind suddenly emptied after that fragment of my cousin Jinsu being a nuisance for how happy she was that day.
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