Blossom: A special chapter for our wonderfully wise little Archon's birthday!
Scenario: It's October 27th, Nahida's birthday! But... Grand Sage Azar won't let her out of the Sanctuary of Surasthana.
Anti-Sage Attack Squad
Venti: "Ah, this must be the place! 'The Sanctuary of Surasthana.'"
Zhongli: "Hm. It appears to be sealed tightly, with a layer of moss growing on the door... how strange."
Ei: "Why waste time?" *reaches for sword* "Shall I slice the place open?"
Zhongli: "Patience, Ei. We do not want to harm the people of Sumeru, and you may very well slice the whole city in half by accident. That man standing over there, dressed in the clothing of the Sages... let us negotiate with him. Perhaps he will be reasonable."
[The Archons walk over to Grand Sage Azar and the other sages.]
Zhongli: "Greetings."
Venti: "Good morning!"
Ei: "We meet at last."
Grand Sage Azar: "Hmm? Who are you? I've never seen you before... yet there's something familiar..."
Venti: "Familiar, you say?" *winks at Zhongli* "Alas, we are but foreign travelers, newly arrived to this grand and glorious city to greet... a friend."
Zhongli: "While on our way to the bazaar, we couldn't help but notice this fine structure here, which the Akasha has little to no information on. Would you mind enlightening us?"
Grand Sage Azar: "Ah, this? This is the Sanctuary of Surasthana, an ancient monument. Inside, our god slumbers."
Ei: "Your Archon, as in the God of Dendro, Lesser Lord Kusanali?"
Grand Sage Azar: "...I wouldn't refer to her as the God of Dendro. Kusanali may be a god, but only Greater Lord Rukkhadevata can hold the title of Dendro Archon."
Ei: "...But Rukkhadevata is dead. She died 500 years ago, in a terrible tragedy... just like..." [my sister.] "The past is but a fleeting dream now. And today is the Sabzeruz Festival, celebrating the birth of Kusanali, so surely she can come out from the sanctuary to greet her people?"
Grand Sage Azar: "Nonsense! Greater Lord Rukkhadevata will one day return to us, with all her wisdom intact. The Sabzeruz Festival tarnishes the Lord's good name, and must be crushed."
Venti: "I understand that you miss your old Archon, but why do you keep Kusanali locked up? A young god should be allowed to roam freely through the forests and deserts of the world."
Grand Sage Azar: "That... underformed god must be kept away from the people, for her own good. I don't expect mere common folk to understand the wisdom of the Akademiya's actions."
Zhongli: *shakes head* "I'm afraid you may have confused wisdom with folly."
Grand Sage Azar: "...Enough! I do not have the time to argue with foreigners. Enjoy your stay in Sumeru."
[Grand Sage Azar starts to walk away.]
Ei: *looks at Zhongli*
Zhongli: *nods*
Ei: "One last thing, Grand Sage Azar."
Grand Sage Azar: *turns* "What is it?"
[The Plane of Euthymia engulfs all of them: Ei, Zhongli, Venti, and the sages.]
[The sages get to their feet.]
Grand Sage Azar: "Where am I? Guards! Help! Where—" *chokes*
Venti: "It's rude to talk during a performance. Quiet down, and I might restore your air supply."
[The Archons transform into their godly forms: Barbatos, Morax, and Beelzebul.]
Morax: "Ah, what a long time it's been since we've done this."
Beelzebul: "You're getting old, Morax."
Barbatos: "If only Focalors could be here today... I think she would like the idea of a divine trial."
[The sages scream and try to run, but there is no escape from the Plane of Euthymia.]
Barbatos: "Think you can get away?" *creates a wind vortex that sucks them into the air*
Morax: "Abducting an innocent child, imprisoning her for centuries, shackling her powers, and stripping away her Gnosis to use for your own benefit..."
Beelzebul: "...tricking your citizens, harvesting them for energy, and controlling their minds..."
Grand Sage Azar: "Please! I... we... didn't mean to offend the gods! Our god abandoned us! What else could we do?"
Beelzebul: "You say your god abandoned you. Yet it is you who have truly betrayed her. No wonder Celestia despises humanity. Therefore, on behalf of the divine..."
Barbatos: "For the freedom that you robbed of Buer..."
Morax: "For the contract you forced upon your Archon..."
Beelzebul: "For the eternity she spent within the Sanctuary..."
Morax: "I WILL HAVE ORDER!" *drops meteor*
Beelzebul: "NOW, YOU SHALL PERISH!" *uses Musou no Hitotachi*
Archon Rescue Squad
Klee: "Okay, here's the plan! Sayu, Diona, Dori, and Qiqi, you go and distract the guards. Me and Dodoco will do the blasting!"
Sayu/Qiqi/Dori/Diona: "Okay!" *runs in different directions*
[Sayu rolls past a row of guards.]
Guards: "Huh? What was that? Intruder! GET THEM!"
[The guards run after Sayu.]
[Qiqi approaches some guards.]
Guards: "Stop! Kid, where are your parents?"
Qiqi: "...parents?"
Guards: "Yeah, your parents!"
Qiqi: "...hmm. Can't remember."
Guards: "Are you lost? Where did you last see your family?"
Qiqi: "Family... Baizhu... in Liyue?"
Guards: "Did you run away from your parents?"
Qiqi: "...parents? No parents, only snake man."
Guards: "Snake man? What does he look like?"
Qiqi: "Man. With a snake."
Guards: "Is he your parent?"
Qiqi: "What parent?"
Guards: "ARGHH!"
[The guards grapple with Qiqi's unreliable memory.]
[Diona and Dori approach some guards.]
Diona: "Hey, you!"
Dori: "Yes, you! Would you like some fine autumn wine, brewed by the best winemaker in Mondstadt?"
Guards: "Huh? Go play somewhere else. We don't drink on duty."
Diona: "I know you want it, you old boozehounds! But if you're really doubting my abilities, then have a taste, free of charge."
Guards: "Hmmm... wow! Delicious! What's in this wine?"
Diona: "Oh... just a couple local specialties of Sumeru."
Guards: "We'll take a few bottles! How much for one?"
Dori: "That'll be... 100,000 Mora per bottle!"
Guards: "HUH? WHAT? That's way too expensive!"
Dori: "Ah-ah-ah, a deal's a deal."
Guards: "Make it 1,000 Mora a bottle, and you have a deal."
Dori: "HA! 1,000 Mora? That's not even the cost of a single ingredient!"
Diona: "GRRR! I'll have you know you're insulting my good name..."
[Dori and Diona argue with the guards.]
[Klee finishes placing Explosive Barrels, Baron Bunnies, and Jumpy Dumpties around the door to the Sanctuary of Surasthana.]
Klee: "Whew!" *wipes forehead* "Time to blow it all up!"
[BOOM!]
Dendro Archon Defense Squad: Nahida's Adventures in Teyvat!
Nahida: "Now that I'm free, there are so many places I want to go! But where should I head to first?"
Heartslabyul - Liyue Harbor
Deuce: "Whoa! Thanks to that wind current from the Anemo Archon, we arrived in no time."
Riddle: "I've always wanted to see Liyue Harbor. A land of binding contracts, maintaining order and happiness... this must be the 'Wonderland' that the Queen of Hearts strove for."
Ace: "Speaking of happiness, what's that delicious smell?"
Nahida: "I know the cuisine here is supposedly very good, but I've never actually tried it."
Riddle: "Common guidelines state that when you enter a foreign city, you should try the food at least once. Therefore, let's head to the nearest restaurant."
[They walk to Wanmin Restaurant.]
Xiangling: "Welcome to Wanmin Restaurant! What can I get you? Some Slime stew? Or maybe a Jueyun-Chili Special?"
Nahida: "Hmm... I've never had any of those before."
Xiangling: "REALLY? Then you have to try a bit of each! Ace, Deuce, come with me to the back. We're bringing out every dish we've got!"
Cater: "Okay, everyone. I want a nice big smile for Magicam! Say 'Nahida!'" *snaps picture*
Trey: "While you all enjoy your meal, I'll make dessert in the kitchen. Is that alright, Xiangling?"
Xiangling: "Of course! I can teach you a great Powdered Slime recipe."
Savanaclaw - Starsnatch Cliff
Nahida: "These white flowers are called Cecilias. Aren't they pretty?"
Jack: "I guess."
Ruggie: "Can you eat them?"
Nahida: "That's not recomm—"
Ruggie: "Blech! It's bitter!"
Nahida: "Instead of eating the Cecilias, we can make flower crowns out of them! I'll teach you."
[Ruggie, Nahida, and Jack make flower crowns in the sunrise. Leona stands apart from them in the shade.]
Nahida: "Leona, I made you a flower crown!"
Leona: "Huh? I'm not wearing—"
Nahida: "Please, Leona? I made it especially to accommodate for your ears... and I thought you would like it! It's my first gift to another person."
Leona: "...Fine."
Nahida: "It looks so pretty on you, Leona!"
Ruggie: "Yeah, Leona, you look like a real princess. Shishishi."
Leona: "...Shut up."
Octavinelle - Watatsumi Island
Azul: "It's been a while since I've seen such pure water. It reminds me of home."
Nahida: "Um... but I don't know how to swim, so I'll wait here."
Floyd: "Ehh? Axolotl-chan doesn't know how to swim? Then how will you drown your enemies? Jade, let's teach her!"
Jade: "Swimming isn't too hard, Nahida. Why don't you give it a try?"
Nahida: "Don't let go of me, okay?"
[Nahida jumps into the water.]
Jade: "Now, just imagine you're a lily pad, floating on top of the water."
Nahida: "I'm a lily pad... I'm a lily pad... I did it!"
Jade: "See, what did I tell you? Try swimming over to those Sango Pearls over there."
[Nahida swims across the water.]
Floyd: "Ha, Axolotl-chan is even faster than Azul!"
Azul: "I heard that."
Scarabia - Sumeru Desert
Nahida: "It's so hot and dry out here. I'm still not used to the outside atmosphere."
Jamil: *checks her forehead* "She's dehydrated. Kalim, use your Unique Magic to cool her down."
Kalim: "Oasis Maker!"
Nahida: "Why don't we rest here by these ruins?"
Kalim: "Oh yeah, what's with all these ruins anyways?"
Nahida: "A long time ago, an ancient civilization lived here in harmony with the rainforest. Their god, the Scarlet King, was best friends with Greater Lord Rukkhadevata. Nowadays, their descendants, the Eremites, believe that Greater Lord Rukkhadevata betrayed and killed the Scarlet King to seize power over the desert. They're bitter that Sumeru citizens see them as inferior people."
Kalim: "Huh... that story sounds kinda familiar for some reason. Betrayed by your best friend... becoming bitter..."
Jamil: *cough* "Let's move on."
Pomefiore - Sumeru Rainforest
Rook: "The pattering rain on the leaves, the swaying branches in the wind... ah, beauté!"
Vil: "Yes, although the humidity can't be good for my hair."
Nahida: "It's great for your skin, though! And if you're worried about your hair, Kalpalata Lotus nectar can help. They grow on vines... like that one over there!"
[Nahida rushes over and tries to pick the lotus.]
Nahida: "Ow! It's stuck."
Epel: "Let me help. To pick a lotus, you should twist the base slightly. It's like picking an apple!"
Nahida: "I see... fascinating. Such knowledge can only be derived from experience. Here, Vil, you can have these lotuses."
[It begins to rain.]
Vil: "The rain will ruin my makeup. We should find shelter."
Nahida: "Wait!" *uses her power to grow three giant leaves from the ground* "We can use these as umbrellas."
Vil: "Oh, my... you're quite a considerate god, aren't you?"
Epel: "Could you help our family with our apple harvest, too? You could grow huuuuge apples with that power!"
Ignihyde - Dragonspine
Nahida: "Is this... snow? Real snow? It's so cold and shivery!" *looks back at Idia* "Can I go explore?"
Idia: "You don't need to ask for permission."
Nahida: *runs off*
Idia: "Ortho, follow her. Turn on your heat generators and make sure she doesn't get too cold."
Ortho: "On it, Big Brother!"
[Nahida throws a snowball at Idia.]
Nahida: "Catch me, Idia!"
Idia: *sigh* "Is this what it's like having a younger sister?"
Diasomnia - Stormterror's Lair
Malleus: "Are there any ancient ruins in this world?"
Nahida: "As far as I can tell, this world contains many fallen civilizations. If you want to see strange statues from days long gone, Stormterror's Lair has many Ruin guards!"
Lilia: "Stormterror's Lair, eh? Grab on tight, little sapling! We're taking off!"
[Lilia flies away, with Nahida clinging on his back. Malleus follows.]
[They land on the spire of Stormterror's Lair.]
Lilia: "What a lonely place."
Nahida: "But look, you can see all the way to Liyue with this view. It's breathtaking..."
Malleus: "I wonder what kind of history this place has."
Nahida: "This place was once called Old Mondstadt. It was home to the tyrant of the winds, Decarabian, a selfish god who neglected his people. Of course, I haven't been much better myself..."
Malleus: "Miss Sapling, don't say that. You're already a much better god than Decarabian."
Nahida: "...I still have a lot to learn, don't I?"
Lilia: "Indeed. Don't despair, God of Wisdom. We'll be by your side for many years yet."
Bonus: How Would Various Characters Enter the Sanctuary of Surasthana?
Venti: transforms into Anemo energy and flows through the walls
Zhongli: drops meteor on the Sanctuary, cracking the walls open
Ei: chops the Sanctuary in half like an onion
Xiao: teleports into the Sanctuary
Shenhe: takes off red ribbons and forces door open using brute strength
Yae Miko: sends sakura foxes through the walls to open the door from the inside
Hu Tao: dashes through the door
Albedo: uses alchemy to convert the door into butterflies, which fly away
Alhaitham: gaslights the Sanctuary's door into believing it is not locked
Itto: tries to head-butt door (fails)
Jamil: uses Snake Whisper to manipulate the sages into opening the door
Idia: hacks the mechanism controlling the Sanctuary, making the door open on its own
Malleus: melts the walls using his flame-breath
Vil: insults the Sanctuary's appearance until the door opens
Dottore/Scaramouche: invited inside by the sages
Blossom: Happy birthday, Nahida. Note: Focalors is the Hydro Archon's demonic name. Buer is the Dendro Archon's.