dealing with some difficult news atm which is why it took so long for a chapter to come out. i find motivation hard when i'm depressed and nothing i was writing felt good enough. i'm trying to be less apologetic for things out of my control, however i am sorry for not updating you guys.
please don't forget to vote and comment throughout. engagement has been down and it's breaking my heart.
~***~
It feels like a cruel joke at this point, how life can finally feel like things are going my way only for it to do a one-eighty turn into fire and anguish. My time in between preparation for the Singapore Grand Prix weekend which was less than a week away was spent talking with lawyers and investigators. Not only was my reputation being flushed down the toilet, but more importantly so were my friendships. I had no leg to stand on - I was done lying. Although the conclusions of the article were complete bullshit, most of the quotes and feelings I had felt were very much real. They were things I felt guilty confessing in confidentiality, and they were never meant to make front-page news.
I wasn't allowed any contact with Lauren for obvious reasons. There was an open investigation into the matter, and she's the last person I wanted to talk to. I couldn't believe that she would do this - what would she get out of it? - however I was too hurt to seek out the details.
Victoria had been the first one to call me. Tears still fill my eyes at the memory. She made the phone call to check up on me, saying that she couldn't believe the lies that the anonymous character at Motion News was spewing. That's when I had to break her heart. I'm done lying, and I didn't want to be constantly weighed down by the guilt of emotions I was not in control of. I didn't get a chance to explain myself before she hung up. Shortly after, both her and Cate were unfollowing me on social media and all of my efforts to contact them fell short so I guessed they had blocked my number, too.
Bella had been the one to hold me through my sobbing episodes. Upon the release of the article, Max was still in Monaco and wouldn't be able to make it home until the end of the weekend. I knew that the article wasn't going to change his opinion on me; he knew and understood my guilty secret feelings better than anyone else in my life. He was probably my only shot at getting Vic to forgive me, and so I didn't protest when he suggested he visit his mum for a couple of days before returning to the UK.
Every relationship under blast in the article felt like it was crumbling between my fingertips. Lewis said he was disappointed to hear what was said even though the context was way off - "I know I wasn't supposed to hear any of that, and I pray for your sake it people move on quickly," - Stoffel asked I give him a bit of space until the worst of this blows over - "we're formula one drivers and we're selfish, it just stings to hear something like that coming from a friend," - my family cancelled the plans we had made to meet up before my flight - "we're just, uh, really busy right now," - and Damien... being completely ignored was just as painful, if not more so.
I wanted my mum. It had been over a year since I had last heard her voice and I was craving it more than ever. I took her for granted, I know that now, just like I took all my friendships for granted. Even though I had never intended for the thoughts and feelings I had experienced at my lowest to get back to the people they concerned, they ultimately did. If it were the other way around, I'd be pissed, too. I just have to pray they can find it in their hearts to forgive me eventually despite the pain I've caused.
Despite being only midday on a Saturday, I was exhausted. The first thing I did when I got back from my intense morning workout with Lizzie, who has been unsurprisingly quieter with me, was flop down on the sofa. It was the only piece of sitting furniture not covered with moving boxes. The date for the move in to the new house was between the Singapore and Malaysian Grand Prix weekends. People were coming to move the belongings for Max and I this upcoming weekend to save us time doing it ourselves. Victoria and Sof were supposed to come over an help, too, but I imagine things might've changed now.
Lemon wasted no time in jumping up onto my lap, Murray hot on her heels. They are my comfort when I'm alone. There was only so much time Bella could spend with me before her father came at her for neglecting her work commitments. They were working extremely hard, pumping out positive articles about me as often as they could in an attempt to help, from highlighting charity work I had done, to covering my sponsorships so that they didn't back out.
Just as I found myself settling, Murray's ears perked up and his head snapped in the direction of the front door. Initially, I thought nothing if it, however the light knock and chime of the doorbell that shortly followed made me groan. I didn't want to get up. With great reluctance, I gently placed Lemon beside me and pulled myself up from the comforting crease of the sofa.
My bare feet padded lightly across the floor to the front door, Murray close by. The moment the front door opened, he slipped through my legs and greeted the person at the door warmly. "Damien."
His shoulders were square and his jaw tight. "Hi, Alyssa."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you?" the harshness of his tone sliced through me.
"I-what? Of course I am," I replied, swallowing hard. I wrapped my arms a little tighter around my body, feeling the confrontation brewing. "You were never meant to hear any of that until I had worked through it."
"I really don't want to hear it. M is waiting for me in the car so I'm going to make this quick." I kept my lips in a line, chewing the inside of my lip nervously. Damien was never one to be serious. "Look, Alyssa," there he goes calling me 'Alyssa' again instead of 'Lys', "I know what you said was never supposed to make it's way to me. Why would it be in the article if it was? The thing is, all of the problems were things you very easily could've brought up with me, but you didn't. You chose to vent those negative feelings to some random instead. I thought we were friends."
"We are-"
Damien lifted his hand up to cut me off. "I'm not finished. No, we're not friends, because friends at the very least would have the decency to reach out an apologise after something like this. Where the fuck is my apology, Alyssa? You call me lazy and think I'm such a shitty person but you're all those things, too."
"That's harsh, D," I said as I blinked back tears. "I sent you a text, but you never replied-"
"Wow, a text!" he sarcastically cheered. "That magically solves everything, doesn't it?"
My sadness was starting to turn into anger without my intention. Every single one of his words were pushing a button in my brain, sending me closer to a malfunction in judgment. "I thought you would want space. I wasn't going to force you into a conversation you weren't ready to have yet."
Scoffing, Damien shook his head in disbelief. He probably wasn't expecting me to argue back, and frankly neither was I. There was no backing down now."Just accept it, Alyssa. You don't deserve the people you have in your life. You don't deserve anything good. Everything bad coming your way is just going to be a helping if karma for all the shit you've done. You wonder why your life is falling apart but you're too selfish and attention-seeking to do anything to try and keep it together. At this rate, you'll have no one left by the end of the month. You're a vile person and I can't believe I wasted so long having you as a best friend." His words stung just as bad when Lando had yelled at me those months ago. There was so much that could've gone without being said but he was doing this to hurt me the way I had hurt him.
"I wouldn't have to solve anything if you did the job we're paying you to do," I angrily replied, my blood getting closer to boiling point with every word I spoke. "If you don't want me to complain to my therapist, it wasn't some random by the way, then manage your time, get better at organising, and don't show up severely hungover."
"Careful, your true colours are showing."
"Are you done?"
"No, I'm not." Damien wiped his face quickly, however it wasn't quick enough to swipe away the tear he had probably tried to conceal. "I've just come back from a meeting with management and I've quit. You don't want to work with me, and frankly I don't want to see you, period."
"Good, maybe I'll finally have someone who actually does their job right," I bitterly replied.
"Fuck you."
I swallowed the venom from my words, not wanting to waste my energy on this. "Fuck you."
I called for Murray and promptly slammed the door in Damien's face once he was back inside. Any longer arguing and it would've turned into a screaming match, I'm sure if it. I stood with my back against the door until I heard the engine of a car, which I was assuming to be Marcus's, and then slid down the wooden panel.
My knees would've made contact with my chest if it hadn't been for my dog being in the way. I wrapped my arms tightly around Murray and let every emotion I had felt since the release of the article out in one go. The sobs shook my body to the core. "I'm a horrible person," I cried out with no one to hear. There was an immeasurable feeling of guilt squeezing my chest. I don't know how I always find a way to fuck things up for myself. I don't think before speaking and once again it's ruined a friendship.
Damien was right. Why was I too stubborn to just accept that? I shouldn't have argued. I should've let him try to heal the wounds I had caused instead of inflicting another round of bloody cuts.
As I cried, my body gradually slumped so that I was laying with my cheek pressed against the cool floor. Murray had stayed close to my middle, curling up against my body in a way that allowed got me to remain hugging him. I was emotionally exhausted and feeling low despite the medication I was on. I didn't realise I had drifted off until I was being violently shaken awake.
My eyes snapped open to see a frantic and worried looking Max, who's eyes softened when they met mine. "Oh, my God." He pulled me tightly against his chest and let out a heavy sigh. "I thought you had done something stupid."
"W-what? Why are you- why are you home?" I asked in my confused state. Was I dreaming?
"I needed to come home to you. Being away when you're going through this was killing me," he replied, pulling back from the hug to look at my face. Now my eyes could focus better, I could see the glisten of tears against the blue of his eyes. "I got a notification on my way back from the airport about the doorbell, and I heard everything Damien said to you. I broke about a dozen speed limits and I'm almost certain a speed camera flashed me but I don't care. When I saw you on the floor when I got back, I thought-"
"You thought I had hurt myself," I finished for him when the words got choked up in his throat. Weakly, he nodded his head and pressed a kiss to the side of my head. "I'm past all of that, my love. I'm sorry for worrying you."
"Don't ever be sorry, and don't listen to Damien, the fucking ass."
"He's right," I mumbled, resting against him. I deeply inhaled his comforting cologne but it didn't do much to soothe me. "I could've done more, and I'm a horrible person."
"You're really not. You're just a person who's had horrible things happen and you sought out help to get through. The person writing those articles doesn't understand, and they've taken everything out of context. We went through a loss, and you've been dealing with the PTSD with a brave face. You're allowed to have feelings, but it's the fact you wanted to change those feelings that matters most. It's Damien's fault he can't see that. Eventually he will in his own time." Max took my hand in his and laced our fingers together. Being on the floor wasn't the comfiest, however neither of us wanted to move right now.
"Are you just saying that because you love me?"
Max exhaled softly through his nose. "No, I'm saying it because I know you. I know you're a good person. You were beating yourself up about those feelings before anyone even knew about them. They didn't see how heartbroken you were when Lewis had his accident. They didn't see the smile on your face when you spoke about Stoffel's happiness for his win. They didn't lose a baby or have to deal with the crushing pain of reality. They don't know how isolated you felt when you were surrounded by so many people. They don't know how seriously you take your job because of how hard you had to fight just to get here."
"They don't know a lot, do they?" I tried to joke, forcing a small smile on my face.
"No, they don't." He laughed lightly. "In time, maybe they will."
Nuzzling my head into his neck, I pressed a gentle kiss to the skin. "Thank you for everything you've done for me."
"Whoever is writing these articles wants you to feel isolated, but I'm not going to let that happen. You'll always have me, schatje," Max said. I was so grateful for him. He was one decision I got right. Sticking by his side gave me unconditional love and support, as well as a family I would be able to call our own. "You're my forever."
"Always."
~***~
*not edited*
this was kind of a filler chapter, i won't lie. there's a lot happening soon at the singapore grand prix and i'm excited for it. the main point of the chapter was to show how the article has impacted relationships. whilst it damaged a few, it also made a couple so much stronger. max and bella >>>
i ran out of vape pods bc of how stressed i've been which only made me more stressed lmao don't vape kids it's not good for you
i've been re-reading older chapters of this book and i can't help but feel they are so much better than the ones i'm writing now and i hate it 😭 there's nothing in particular, but the vibes were just better. do you guys feel the same? please let me know
qotc: a lot of you don't know who i really am or what i look like. so i want to know: what do you think i look like? do i give off tall or short vibes? blonde, brunette, or redhead? i want to know so describe what you think i look like.
aotc: i'm genuinely so curious. if it helps, my top five taylor swift songs are 'you're on your own, kid', 'the lakes', 'tolerate it', 'cardigan', and 'the other side of the door - tv'. i feel like that could give an indication of my vibe aha