Over the next few weeks, things get a little better between Elle and I, but not much. Our conversations are a bit more frequent, mostly filled with talk of Thanksgiving and all the preparations at home, places we're going to go when I visit. But when we aren't talking about those things, the vibe is still awkward and kind of off. I still haven't told Elle about what's been going on at school, even though Chloe's been bugging me to. It's not something I want to get into over the phone.
Exams have been hell, but it's the Tuesday before the holiday weekend and I'm finally done. Chloe and Aiden still have one exam to sit tomorrow, so we're all putting off our celebrations until tomorrow evening. Tonight, I grabbed some dinner with my roommates, and am now stretched out on my bed, ready to call Elle. The phone rings twice before the call connects.
"Hello?"
"Hey."
There's a big pause where Elle doesn't say anything.
"Is everything okay?"
Another beat passes before she responds.
"Yeah, um, just tired. We've been rehearsing."
"Okay, well, I just wanted to wish you luck for your competition tomorrow."
"You remembered." The surprise in her voice is obvious. Did she really think I'd forget?
"Yeah, of course I remembered. I wish I could be there. Elle, I know that, um-- that you and I have some things that we need to talk about, but I'd rather do it face-to-face. So I'm gonna be home the day after tomorrow for Thanksgiving, and I guess we can talk about it all then. Okay?"
I hear Elle sigh, and there's another pause before she answers quietly. "Okay."
"Hey, you're gonna do great tomorrow, I know you will."
"Thanks."
"I love you, and I can't wait to see you."
"Yeah, I love you, too."
"Sweet dreams, Elle."
"Night."
The line goes dead and I stare at my phone. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything just now about us needing to talk. She was tired and probably nervous about the competition. I should've just kept my mouth shut. I did mean what I said about wishing I could be there to watch her. Back when I'd booked my ticket home, I hadn't known when my last exam was going to be, so I'd opted to book on the last day possible, flying back on Thanksgiving morning, using the time difference to my advantage.
Now I have a whole day tomorrow of just hanging around, waiting to go home the following morning. But what if I didn't wait around? What if I flew back tomorrow morning instead? The idea starts to grow in my mind, and I get off my bed, opening up my laptop and navigating to the airline website. There's availability on a flight tomorrow morning, basically the same as the one I'm already booked on, just a day earlier.
Should I change my ticket? I had promised Chloe and the guys that we would hang out tomorrow night to celebrate making it through the term, but surely they'll understand. I feel a little guilty, though, and before I even really think about it, I'm scrolling to Chloe's number in my phone and pressing call.
"Hey, you," her voice is tired-sounding but still upbeat.
"Hey. How's the exam prep coming along?"
"Yeah, fine. I'm not sure how much more I can go over this stuff. If I don't know it by now, I probably never will."
"I'm sure you'll ace it, Clo. You've been on top of it all so far."
"Thanks. So, what's up?"
"Um... I know I promised I'd go out with everyone tomorrow night after you and Aiden finish your last exams, but... If I change my flight to the morning I can make it back for Elle's dance competition, so..."
"Gosh, just go! Of course you should go, silly boy!" Chloe laughs, and I relax. "We'll manage without your sparkling wit and conversation just this once, don't worry."
"Thanks, Clo. Hey, are you still planning on heading to James' parent's place for Thanksgiving?"
"Ahh, no, I don't think so. We had another fight, so it's a bit awkward at the moment. I don't think a family event is the best place to try and patch things up. I think we both just need a chance to cool off a bit."
"Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just don't really want to think about it until after this last exam, you know?"
"Sure, sure. So, are you going to hang out with Emily for the weekend, then?"
"No, she's taking her new boyfriend home to meet the parents and I didn't want to intrude."
"So what, you're gonna spend Thanksgiving here? By yourself?"
"Noah, I'll be fine. I'm a big girl. I can stand to be alone for a few days. And don't forget, Thanksgiving isn't a thing where I come from. So it's not as big of a deal for me to miss it."
"Screw that. Why don't you come to LA? Come hang out with me and my family and Elle. It'll be great. I'd really like you to meet everyone and this way you and Elle can get to know each other better. Honestly, you'd be doing me a favor..."
Chloe chuckles. "Well, when you put it like that, how can I refuse? Are you sure your mum won't mind?"
"Please," I laugh. "She goes so overboard with the catering that she won't even notice one more person at the table. But I'll call her now if you're keen."
"Yeah, okay. Count me in. I won't be able to fly until the morning of, though."
"That's cool. We don't eat 'til late afternoon anyway. Send me your flight details and I'll come get you."
"Will do. Hey, Noah?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for the invite. It's really nice of you."
"You're welcome. It's literally the least I can do after everything..."
"True. We're not even close to be even," she laughs.
"Yeah, I know. Anyway, get some sleep, huh? And good luck for tomorrow."
"Thanks, 'night."
"Bye."
Hanging up, I can't help but smile. This is actually perfect. If Elle spends some time with Chloe, she'll be able to see for herself that there's nothing going on between us, that she's my friend, the same way Lee is to her. I quickly phone Mom, who, as expected, is thrilled that Chloe's going to visit. I guess I've mentioned her more than a few times in our phone calls... I also fill her in on my plan to arrive a day earlier and swear her to secrecy, because I want this to be a surprise. Man, I can't wait to see the look on Elle's face when she spots me.
Dad picks me up from the airport, and after a quick stop at home to say hi to Mom and dump off my luggage, I drive to the convention center where the competition's being held. The auditorium is massive and packed with spectators. I'm starting to see that this is an even bigger deal than I realized, and it makes me even more excited for Elle than I already was. She's gonna lose it when she sees me for sure. I've decided to wait until after her section is finished to let her know I'm here, because the last thing I want is to put her off and ruin all her hard work.
Taking a seat on the aisle, about halfway up the middle seating area, I watch all the duos before her and Marco. I've spent a lot of time over the years watching Lee and Elle do this at the arcade, but jeez, this is next level stuff. There's full-on choreography and costumes and everything. No wonder Elle's been practicing all the time. Eventually, they're announced, and I find myself getting nervous for her.
The two of them walk out on the stage, standing with their backs to the audience. I see Elle take a deep breath, and they join hands briefly before the music swells and they slowly step away from each other, moving around the DDM machine to take their places. And then, BAM! They're into the routine and the crowd are clapping already, me included.
I thought the previous acts would be hard to beat, but Elle and Marco are something else. Okay, so maybe I'm just a little biased, but they really are amazing. The audience around me are really into it, and I even find myself cheering, I'm so proud of Elle. And, I have to admit, Marco is way better at this than Lee is. My eyes follow Elle as she spins away from the machine, then back to Marco as he does a backflip, landing perfectly on the platform.
Elle takes a run up and jumps, Marco twisting her up into the air and catching her. The crowd goes wild and I can't help joining in, whooping loudly. Their routine goes on and it's obvious that Elle's having a blast, her smile is so big. I clap through to the end of the song when Marco dips her, and by this stage most of the audience is on their feet, cheering. Elle's head falls back as she laughs, breathless.
Then she looks back up at Marco and something shifts. The way he's looking at her... the way neither of them are moving from their last position. A spike of fear charges through me and I stop clapping, the smile sliding from my face. No... It's not... They're not...
And then they are.
It's Elle who makes the move, pulling herself up to his face... and kissing him.
Every bit of breath leaves my body in that instant, as time stands still. I feel a wave of cold wash over me and everything shuts down inside my body. As much as I don't want to see this, I can't tear my eyes away from the scene unfolding in front of me. My traitorous body makes me watch every millisecond of it.
Eventually, the kiss ends and they stand up, moving away from each other, both looking so fucking happy. The rest of the audience is still cheering like mad, but I'm frozen. I can't move. I can't think. Then one of the judges steps up onto the stage to start the announcements, and finally the spell is broken and I can look away, down at my feet.
But the relief is short-lived. Something drags my eyes back up to Elle, and I see she's looking right at me. I see the moment of recognition. I watch her smile change first to a look of shock and then guilt. Just like the cold before, I now feel a rush of heat through my body, feel the anger and hurt start to swell in my stomach, tears pricking my eyes. Her expression tells me everything I need to know, I think, nodding slightly to myself.
With a last look at Elle, I push myself out of my seat and walk out of the auditorium, the judge's voice calling out Elle and Marco's names as the winners in a final cruel taunt. I take the stairs down to the parking garage, not wanting to wait for the elevator, not wanting to give Elle the chance to catch up to me, if she even bothers to try. For all I know, she couldn't care less. Maybe she's just been waiting for the chance to tell me that it's over.
Well, message received. Loud and clear.
Getting in the car, I grip the wheel tightly for a few seconds, trying to shove down some of the anger I'm feeling right now. Fuck going home. There's no way I can face anyone, let alone talk about any of this yet. I start driving, heading towards the Hollywood sign, but at the last minute I stay on the freeway instead of taking the exit. I don't want to go somewhere I've been with Elle, so I keep driving east.
It's dark by the time I stop, somewhere out in the desert near Joshua Tree. For a few minutes I just sit and stare into space, the numbness taking over again. Eventually, I reach across to the passenger seat and retrieve my phone from where I'd thrown it there earlier, and turn it on. Messages flash on the screen, mostly from Elle, which I ignore, one from Chloe, confirming her flight time for tomorrow, and one from Mom asking if I'll be home for dinner.
Glancing at the clock, I realize that I definitely wouldn't make it back home in time even if I wanted to, and I send her a quick message saying I won't be there. To Chloe, I send a thumbs up, and say I'll be there to pick her up when she gets in. As for Elle's messages... I delete them all without looking at them, and switch the phone off again before opening my door and stepping out into the cool desert air.
The sky is far darker here than it gets in the city, without the glow from the masses of lights. Only the spectacular array of stars above punches through the inky black surrounding me. Not far off the side road I've parked next to is a big grouping of rocks, and I wander in that direction, finding one with a mostly flat top. I climb up onto it and lay on my back, staring up at the stars.
If I didn't feel insignificant before, I certainly do now. Perspective is both wonderful and brutal at the same time.
A couple of hours later, I drag myself back to the car and drive slowly back to the city, arriving home late enough that everyone's already gone to bed. Standing under the hot spray in the shower, I feel myself start to thaw, unwelcome feelings replacing the numbness that took over earlier. Mostly, I feel like an idiot. I'd never considered the possibility that Elle might be cheating on me, especially after she was so upset by the thought that I might have been cheating on her.
I wonder how long it's been going on? Was today the first time she's kissed him? My mind unhelpfully supplies that image in crystal clear definition and it draws a physical reaction from me, almost making me throw up. Fuck. Bracing my palms on the tiles, I lean forward, letting the water pound against my back, flowing across my shoulders and down my neck to mingle with the few tears that are stinging my eyes.
One word keeps flashing through my brain, a question. WHY? Why would she do that? Why would she pick him? Why wasn't I enough?
Part of me has been waiting for Elle to come to her senses ever since we started dating. I thought she'd eventually see through me, figure out that I'm not good enough for her. But then, at every turn, she was there, wanting me, telling me that she loved me, showing me that she believed in me. And so I put it all to the back of my mind, all those thoughts that things wouldn't work out between us, and I started to believe that it really could.
But now? Well, I think it's pretty obvious I was right all along. She's found someone more like her, more open and outgoing, into the same stuff she is. Someone better suited to her. Someone who's actually here, and not all the way on the other side of the country. It makes total sense, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. In truth, this hurts more than anything ever has.