00
Meredith ran her hand roughly through her hair as she struggled to remain focussed on the chart lying open in front of her when all she wanted to do was yell and scream and stomp her feet, and pretty much have a three year old hissy fit. The corners of her lips tugged at the amusing thought. She wasn't that far gone yet, but the thought made her feel better.
A massive car accident had caused her to miss her appointment with Dr. Wyatt earlier that week. She'd had her normal appointment the evening before and then a makeup appointment that morning, and had been on call overnight in-between. That was a lot of therapy and not a lot of time to process the therapy.
And, apparently, process time was important, because right now, on therapy overload, Meredith was struggling to resist the urge to storm down the hall to the Chief's office and unload all of her frustration and anger on the man who had ruined her mother's life.
Wyatt had said she'd opened herself up to feelings she'd always harboured but had never let herself feel. Meredith just wanted it to stop. At first, she'd thought the feelings would be easy to put behind her, but instead they had flourished inside her. And not in a good way. In a very bad, potentially career damaging, way.
Wanting to yell and scream at your boss was not a good thing. Especially when you were a surgical resident and your career could depend on the man you want to yell and scream at.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Wyatt had taught her to remind herself of the reality to get through these feelings. Yes, Richard Webber had hurt her mother. But that was a very long time ago. Meredith was happy now. She'd overcome her upbringing.
Of course, she wouldn't have had to overcome her upbringing if Richard hadn't shattered her mother and set Meredith up for a childhood of neglect and pain.
She swore under her breath and forced her focus back to the exercise. What was the reality? The thing she was mad about happened a very long time ago. She wasn't the lonely and helpless little girl she's once been, or the damaged and avoidant woman she'd almost become. She was happy and working towards being the person she wanted to be.
She needed to stop blaming Richard Webber, for her own sake. She needed to focus on the reality, and the reality was that Richard Webber had no say in her life anymore.
Except that he did, because he was her boss and he could make or break her career. And he was her husband's boss and had overstepped his professional boundaries on several occasions.
With an annoyed huff, she opened her eyes, giving up on the coping mechanism. Clearly she wasn't in the right frame of mind for this exercise.
Instead, she twisted her wedding band around her finger, round and round and round. Her thoughts drifted to her husband and the two whole days off they were about to have. This was a much better exercise for right now, and much more effective. It may not fix anything long-term, but it would allow her calm down long enough to focus on the chart she was supposed to be notating.
After a minute, she felt calm enough to continue with her work. It took her a little over fifteen minutes to finish updating her notes and pass the chart across the desk to be filed. Having nothing scheduled in the immediate future, she headed down to the coffee cart for much needed caffeine and sugar. She was on her way back to the surgical floor when she spotted Izzie, Alex and George staring at the announcement board.
"What are we looking at?" She asked.
"The thing the cops will call the trigger when Cristina goes all psycho killer on the hospital," Alex answered.
"What are you..." She trailed off as her eyes found the posted article her friends had been staring at. Local area surgeon wins prestigious award, the caption read. And just below the caption was a picture of Preston Burke. Her eyes read far enough to find the words, Harper Avery. "He won the Harper Avery?"
"And the stating the obvious award goes to..."
Meredith took a long sip of coffee, suddenly desperate for the caffeine. It was going to be an even longer day than she had expected. "Has Cristina seen it?"
"I don't think so," George said. "I saw her this morning and she seemed fine. Well, not fine, but not any different than she's been lately."
"She has been really moody lately," Izzie agreed, "Even for Cristina."
"She screwed an attending and got screwed for it," Alex said with a shrug.
"Alex..." Meredith said carefully.
Alex met her eyes evenly. "I'm not apologizing for telling the truth."
"She wasn't screwing him. She loved him. She was going to marry him."
He at least had the decency to look a little apologetic.
"She's going to freak when she sees this," Izzie said. "Let's take it down."
"You can't just take it down," Meredith said. "It's on the board."
"Yes, we can," Izzie said, reaching her hands towards the article. "She never has to know." Her fingers touched the paper, but she hesitated and pulled her hands away.
"She's going to hear about it," Meredith reasoned. Her best friend was definitely going to react badly to the news, but taking down the article was only going to delay the inevitable. And in a hospital as gossip-friendly as Seattle Grace, the inevitable could be as short as minutes away. It may be less cruel to let Cristina find out this way and not through word of mouth.
"Who's going to hear about what?" Cristina's voice rang out from behind them.
Meredith flinched and turned around to greet her best friend.
Izzie quickly jumped into action, spinning and backing against the bulletin board so her head was covering the article. It was a sweet gesture, obviously made with the best intentions, but it was also painfully obvious she was hiding something.
"Uh..." Meredith hesitated. How do you tell your best friend, who lost her fiancé and teacher in one painful swoop when he left her at the altar, and is struggling professionally because the new teacher is treating her like crap, that the ex-fiancé has won the Harper freaking Avery award?
"What is going on?"
"Nothing," Izzie and George said at the same time, causing Meredith to flinch again. No, they weren't hiding anything. Good thing one didn't have to be stealthy to be a surgeon.
"Cristina," she began gently, knowing there was no good way to approach this. Cristina's mood had been steadily declining for months. This may just be the final straw to make her crack under the pressure.
Cristina ignored her, instead focussing on Izzie and what she was hiding. "Izzie, move. What are you hiding?"
Izzie hesitated, but after a moment sighed and shifted so Cristina could see the article.
All five residents stood silently for several moments as Cristina stared unblinkingly at the article. And then she said flatly, "Good for him," and walked away.
Meredith hesitated as she watched her go. Part of her wanted to go after her, but the other part knew Cristina needed time to process this new hit.
"Should we go after her?" Izzie asked to the group. "I mean... She needs to know..."
"What?" Alex prompted, "That she got screwed? Trust me, she already knows."
"But-"
"Alex is right," Meredith said with a sigh. "She needs time."
000
Half a shift later and Meredith was more than ready to go home for her weekend with her husband. Cristina was still MIA from her departure that morning and Izzie had spent close to ten minutes ranting to and around Meredith about the fact that Alex was moving his girlfriend – who was also his former patient whom he had rescued from the ferry crash that had almost claimed Meredith's life – into the house. She made it very clear that there was something very important that Izzie knew but couldn't share, which just frustrated Meredith even more.
"Iz, I don't know what you want me to say if you won't tell me what's going on."
"I can't tell you what I know!" The blond ranted.
"Then what do you want me to do?"
"Talk to Alex. He won't listen to me."
"What exactly is it you want me to say? If he loves her, this could be a good thing for Alex. He's been lonely since she left."
"Since she was discharged, you mean," Izzie said, reminding Meredith that the Rebecca Pope, aka Ava, had been a patient for close to two months following the ferry crash before being discharged along with her baby.
"Whatever. If he's happy..."
"He doesn't know what he is!"
"Iz..."
"No, you don't understand. He's changing his whole life for her."
"So? He's a big boy, Iz. He can make these decisions."
"But he doesn't have all the information."
Meredith sighed and ran her hand through her hair.
"Please, just talk to him."
"And say what, exactly?"
"Tell him she can't move in."
"How am I supposed to do that? I don't live there anymore."
"But it's still your house."
"I'm not going to tell him she can't move in, Iz. If you have a problem with the living arrangements, you need to deal with it."
"It's not the living arrangements. It's..." She trailed off.
"I can't help if I don't know what the problem is," she pointed out.
Izzie huffed, but her shoulders hunched in a defeated manner. "I know," she muttered, before turning and walking away, mumbling something that sounded like, "stupid confidentiality rules."
Meredith shook her head. Whatever drama Izzie was foreseeing would surface at some point. Until then, she had other concerns. Like tracking down her best friend. And preventing herself from yelling at the Chief.
She turned to head towards the OR board to start her Cristina search – her best friend had been missing for too long – when she came face to face with George.
"Uh, hi," he said cautiously. He held a stack of forms in his hands.
"Hi," she responded, narrowing her eyes at his hesitance. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," he said.
"Then why do you look like that?" He looked incredibly uncomfortable and nervous. She had no idea why he would be acting like that around her.
"Well, the Chief has me on a special project today."
"O-kay. What does that mean?"
"It means I need you to fill this out," he said, handing her one of the forms he had been holding.
"What is it?" She asked as she took the form and glanced at the top, titled 'Date and Tell Form.'
George didn't answer. She looked up, only to find him gone.
"George?" She turned around, but he was out of sight. Weird.
She looked down at the form again. Effective immediately, hospital policy requires all employees to register any and all sexual relationships with other hospital employees. Please complete this form and return it by end of business today. All information provided will be kept confidential. And below the disclaimer and instructions were boxes for name, position, hospital ID number, start date, gender and age. And then there were several lines to record past sexual partners, requiring their name, position and start and end dates of the 'relationship.'
"What the hell is this?" Meredith asked out loud.
"It's awful, isn't it?"
She turned to see her half-sister standing only feet away.
"George gave me the form and ran," Lexie told her.
"Yeah, me too," she said, glancing around just to make sure George wasn't somewhere in sight. If he was, she'd have to give him a piece of her mind for pulling a stunt like that.
Lexie stepped closer and sighed. "This is so embarrassing. If I'd known I'd have to fill this out, I wouldn't have..." Her voice cracked and she trailed off.
"You wouldn't have what?" Meredith prompted. "Slept with Alex?"
Lexie made a face. "I'd kind of hoped you'd forgotten about that."
"It was in my house, Lex," she said dryly. "And I passed you on my way in while you were doing the walk of shame."
Lexie buried her face in her hands, but not fast enough to hide the sudden redness in her cheeks. She said nothing.
"There's nothing wrong with that. We've all been there."
"I didn't know it was your house," she said through her hands. "And I'm not the girl who does...that. There was just so much going on at home with...dad. And I just needed to...to..."
"Get laid?" Meredith offered lightly.
Lexie made an unintelligible noise, causing Meredith to laugh.
"Seriously, Lexie, you need to lighten up. This is not something to be embarrassed about."
Lexie pulled her hands away from her face and met Meredith's eyes. Her face was still red. "Really?"
She shrugged. "Well, other than the fact that it was with Alex..."
Lexie sighed and looked away from Meredith's eyes.
"I'm kidding," she said, swinging her arm around Lexie's shoulders. "And if it makes you feel any better, that's how Derek and I got started."
"Really?"
"Mmm-hmm," she confirmed.
"So, you two worked together without anything between you and then one night just..."
Meredith had to bite back a laugh at how innocent her sister was compared to herself. "More like we met at Joe's the night before either of us started working here, got drunk and exchanged names the next morning."
Lexie looked shocked. "But you two are so...happy."
"We are," she agreed.
Lexie hesitated before asking, "And you're not...ashamed of how you met?" There was only curiosity and no judgement in her tone.
She shook her head. "Nope. We're happy. Why should I be ashamed of that?"
Lexie smiled at her. "I guess sometimes I like to look for fairytales instead of reality."
"Well, you grew up with normal parents and rules and smiley-faced posters on your wall." She was surprised to find she didn't feel an ounce of contempt or jealousy at her own statement.
"I'm sorry you didn't have the same childhood I did," Lexie said genuinely. "In fact, I'm sorry we didn't share a childhood."
Meredith nodded. "Me, too."
"Really?"
"Really," she confirmed, dropping her arm from around Lexie's shoulders to meet her eyes better.
"Do you think, you know one day, that it could be like we'd been sisters our whole lives?"
Meredith gently shook her head. "No, I don't think so."
"Oh," Lexie said, her shoulders slumping.
"But we can be sisters."
Lexie perked up.
"We didn't grow up together or even know the other existed, and no matter what, we can't ever change that." This was the reality of the situation. Apparently Wyatt's psych trick was multi-use. "But we can get closer and figure out what works best for us to be sisters now."
"You really think so?"
Meredith nodded.
"Even though you didn't want a sister?"
She nodded again. "Even though I didn't want a sister. You were pretty persistent."
"I didn't mean to be too annoying."
"You weren't; just moderately annoying."
Lexie laughed. "Ouch."
Meredith laughed as well and bumped her shoulder. "I didn't want a sister, but I do now. It's like you said; you look for the fairytale, which would be us just picking up as sisters. That's not realistic. What we're doing now is reality." She shrugged. "And I think that's pretty good."
OOO
She had changed, Meredith reflected after her intern sister had been paged away from their conversation. Like, really changed. In the months since she'd started therapy, her focus had been on how she was feeling, how her marriage was handling the stress and the feelings that therapy brought up – like hatred towards the Chief. She hadn't spent much time considering her interactions and relationships with anyone other than Derek and a little bit with Cristina, but now she realized how much she had changed. Because some time in the last few months she had truly let Lexie in. She'd stopped keeping her at arm's length and dropped the walls she been holding up around herself.
It was a little disconcerting to realize how vulnerable she had allowed herself to become, but at the same time it was a little freeing. She was building a family and a life for herself. She was choosing who she wanted to be her family. And she was able to let those chosen people in.
Derek had been the anomaly. He'd wormed his way into her heart and her life without much conscious thought on her part. Maybe she'd just been too distracted (and exhausted) with her mother and her internship to realize what was happening. Because he'd done with very little resistance what she'd never allowed anyone to do before. And she hadn't even slowed down enough to realize what was going on until more than half a year had passed – and by then it was too late to think about turning back. He'd gotten her started on this path.
Her friends had followed closely behind Derek, but she'd been conscious of how much she was letting them in, how much she was letting them know about her and how much they could hurt her. It had taken her days to agree to Izzie and George being her roommates, and even after they moved in she'd kept them at an arm's length for weeks before slowly letting them in. Izzie had always made Meredith feel welcome, but her bubbly attitude threw her off at first and made her doubt the blonde's intentions. It had taken months of consistent behaviour from Izzie before Meredith stopped questioning her motives and allowed herself to accept the friendship without questions. George had always been sweet, and his quiet nature put Meredith at ease, but her experience told her men especially could not be trusted, and so George had unfairly been marked as a potential source of pain. And though she had accepted his motives faster than she had with Izzie, it had still taken weeks.
Cristina, she had bonded with quickly. Some unspoken quality in both surgeons seemed to recognize each other immediately, and Meredith hadn't fought it. But both she and Cristina were the types to bury their true selves within and only show the world what they wanted. It was a self-protective quality that was developed through negative experience. They had probably bonded over the fact that they recognized what the other was doing, but weren't there to judge.
With Alex, she recognized a lot of herself. After the few months that it took to realize he wasn't just an ass, but a potentially likeable ass, she had made a conscious and easy decision to accept him into her life. They had a lot in common, and had a couple pieces of her life been tweaked, she would probably have been even more like him. She understood what he'd overcome in his life to become a surgeon, and even better understood his reluctance to talk about himself or his past. He said what was on his mind without caring what others thought, and the only thing he tried to hide was how much he cared. His moral compass didn't exact point north, but he didn't manipulate people to get what he wanted. She respected that and didn't worry about him hurting her because she knew he worried about exactly the same thing.
Lexie herself had never been an issue, but it had taken some time for her to warm up to the idea of Lexie. Of having a sister. Of letting someone in who she was related to. And when she finally had let her in, it had been conscious and measured and gradual. Until it hadn't. One day she'd been internally analyzing every interaction she and Lexie had, and the next day she'd just...stopped. And now she had conversations with Lexie where there was hugging and advice-giving and shortened names. She'd found herself calling Lexie 'Lex' on several occasions. Today she'd swung her arm around Lexie's shoulders without even thinking. Lexie had become family.
They'd all become family.
Even Mark, who'd hurt her only months ago by spreading that rumour she was pregnant. But he'd made it up to her. And he was Derek's family, so he was her family. They shared a family now.
And she'd welcomed that. She'd opened herself up more and more. Hell, she'd told her friends about her therapy. A year ago she wouldn't have been caught dead in therapy, let alone tell her friends about it, but now she was working to better her life and she didn't care if her friends – her family – knew about it. Her family. Less than two years ago she'd had no one. Now she had a picture of herself, Derek and six other people she considered family on her living room wall in her home that she shared with her husband. And the framed picture hung proudly beside the one of herself, Derek and the twenty-four east coasters she considered family. Including Derek, that was thirty-one people she now had in her life that hadn't been there even two years prior.
That was a hell of a lot of progress.
If only she could stop hating the Chief so very much. It was distracting her from her life.
"Meredith!" Izzie's distressed voice cried as she half collapsed against the counter beside Meredith.
"Izzie!" She returned in the same tone.
Izzie huffed as she stood mostly upright, leaning her hip against the counter.
"Come back for more vague ranting?"
"No, I came back for some very un-vague ranting."
"Un-vague? I don't think that's a thing."
"It's a thing!" The blonde insisted.
"Is it in the dictionary?"
Izzie snorted. "You're not very helpful today."
"I can't be helpful if I don't know what the problem is. You ranted forever earlier about Alex and Rebecca. If he's happy, I don't see what the problem is with her moving in with him. Don't you want him to be happy?"
"Of course I want him to be happy. I just... She just... Argh! I hate being a doctor today. I hate that Alex is mad at me and I can't tell him that it's not that I disapprove. It's..." She trailed off with an irritated huff.
"Iz, if something's really wrong, you need to say something," she said, suddenly feeling concerned that something was actually wrong and this wasn't just Izzie being over dramatic.
"I want to. I just...can't. I even asked Bailey. There's nothing I can do."
"Well, let me know if there's something I can do to help."
"Thanks, Mer."
Meredith smiled. "This doesn't sound like un-vague ranting."
"Oh, that's not what I was going to rant about."
"Then, what?"
"This!" She said, slamming a single piece of paper down onto the counter between them. "Did George give you one of these?"
Meredith glanced down at the piece of paper. An identical copy to the form George had given her before disappearing. Her conversation with Lexie had pushed it from her mind. "Yes, the bastard did. Then he ran away."
"Oh, he tried to run from me, but I caught him," Izzie said proudly, for a moment channelling the trailer-park-Izzie of the past.
Meredith lifted her own copy as she reread the instructions. "What the hell is this for?"
"The Chief is implementing a new policy that all hospital employees need to register-"
"Sexual relationships," Meredith finished, reading the words herself. "But why?"
"Apparently the nurses' union is pushing it. There've been a lot of complaints about Dr. Sloan."
"How would this possibly help that?"
Izzie shook her head. "I have no idea." She cringed. "Meredith, I don't want the Chief to know I slept with Alex!"
"Iz, everyone knows you slept with Alex," she retorted, laughing to herself at the parallels in her conversations with both Izzie and Lexie. Both were embarrassed about the same name they'd be recording on their form.
"That's not true!"
"It's kind of true."
"The Chief doesn't know. But he's going to read this form and then he's going to know."
She had a point. Despite the fact that the form promised any information provided would remain confidential, she didn't doubt the Chief could read any one he felt like; every one he felt like. Just because. And he probably would. Scratch that. He definitely would. He was so absorbed in his power that he would see it as his right. Just like he saw making Derek jump through hoops as his right. And destroying Meredith's childhood as his right.
A wave on anger washed over her, so powerful she felt her hands curls into tight fists. She closed her eyes, knowing she'd crossed the line into unto the land of unrealistic, and tried to remind herself of the reality of the situation.
What was the reality, again?
I have my own life. I'm happy. He has no say in my life. Except that he does have a say. He has far too much of a say. He flaunts his power. He's-
"Are you okay?" Izzie asked quietly, concern lining her voice.
Meredith opened her eyes, grabbed the form out of Izzie's hand and crumpled it into a tiny ball. "Don't fill it out. It's an invasion of privacy. He can't make you."
"But he's our boss."
"And he thinks that means he's a god. But he's not a god, Iz. He's just a jackass that likes to exert his power over the little people."
Izzie stared at her for a moment, her mouth open in surprise. "O-kay," she finally said. "Is this about your mother?"
"Of course this is about my mother!" She snapped.
Izzie laughed, but covered it quickly with a cough.
Meredith shot her a glare.
"Sorry. I'm just...sorry. Normally you deny things like this. I didn't expect you to admit it. Especially not so...easily."
More progress. She took a breath. "I'm on therapy overload. Had my normal session yesterday and a makeup appointment this morning. We've been talking a lot about my mother and her...choices." Her choice mainly being all about Richard Webber. "And, Iz, I think I may actually do physical harm to the man."
Izzie reached out and wrapped her fingers tightly around Meredith's forearm. "You and Derek are off tomorrow, right? For a couple days?"
Meredith nodded.
"Then just think about that. I get being mad at him, Mer. Trust me; I'd be pissed, too. In fact, as your friend, I'm officially pissed for you. But he's not worth this."
"I know," she said. "It's not worth potentially damaging my career. But I just...hate him so much right now."
"I'm not talking about your career," Izzie said, taking her by surprise. "I'm talking about you. Look what you're letting this do to you."
"I'm not..." She trailed off as Izzie's words hit home. This wasn't something that was happening to her right now. This was something she was letting drive her crazy. She was letting these thoughts and feelings take over in her head.
"You are," Izzie pressed gently. "He was a bastard for leaving your mother like that. But that was a long time ago. If you let that affect you so much now, you're letting him win."
Meredith felt the anger shrink inside her. It was still there, but reality was definitely in charge now. "You're right."
What's the reality? She's better than this. She'd stronger than this.
Izzie released her arm. "Are you okay?"
"I will be," she said honestly.
00
Having decided on a happy medium to get through the rest of her shift – she wasn't letting the anger take over, but she had torn her form up into as many pieces as possible and tossed it into the garbage under silent protest – Meredith was feeling much more in control. She paged her interns and met with them all to discuss their patients and whom they would all be reporting to while she was off. After warning them not to kill anyone or make her look stupid, she released them back into the hospital with a smirk at their nervous expressions.
As difficult as it had been to have interns in the beginning of the surgical year, she was actually enjoying the teaching at times now. Her interns were pretty good – for interns, that is – and it was nice to feel like someone they could come to for help.
She rounded on her patients herself, just to make sure her interns hadn't missed anything. When she was finished, she glanced at her watch, happy to see her shift was almost over. It looked like she'd actually be able to leave on time. Her interns had their instructions for the next two days, her patients were stable and her charts were completely up to date. A check of the OR board showed that her husband's name was not on it.
She headed for his office, and found the door ajar. Pushing through, she smiled at him when he looked up from his desk.
"Hey," he said. "I'm just finishing with one last chart. Are you going to be ready to leave on time?"
She nodded. "Amazing, isn't it?"
"Amazing," he agreed. "I don't think this has ever happened before."
She laughed and plopped herself down onto the seat across from. "How was your surgery this morning?" He'd been scheduled for a tumour resection that was supposed to take several hours that morning.
"It went well. Got clean margins and expect the patient to make a full recovery," he said as he shifted his gaze back down to the chart and began scribbling additional notes.
"That's great."
He nodded. "How about you? Any surgeries?"
"Not today."
"How was your session this morning?"
"I'll tell you later."
He looked up in concern, his attention now fully on her, his pen wielding hand poised in mid-air.
She smiled at the concern, but shook her head. "I'm okay. Just on therapy overload. I don't want to get into it here."
He cocked his head and studied her for a long moment, his eyes shifting between hers, searching and calculating. "If you're sure."
"I'm sure. It's nothing new; just anger at the Chief and whatnot. I finally got myself to calm down in the last hour or two. I don't want to get worked up again here."
His brow furrowed and his lips quivered as if he wanted to say more.
She offered him a soft smile, grateful for his concern. "I'm okay, Derek. I promise."
"Okay." He mirrored her smile. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
He went back to his notes and after a couple minutes of silence put down his pen. "Done."
"And our weekend can begin," she said brightly.
"Just about," he agreed. "I just need to file this chart," he said, closing the chart he had been notating, "and drop this off," he added, placing a piece of paper down on top of the chart.
Meredith felt her blood boil at the sight of the familiar form. She picked it off of the chart, her eyes taking in his familiar writing. He'd filled in all of his personal information and listed her as his only sexual partner since his start date the previous July.
He was her husband. Her partner. Her lover. They were together and happy and committed. And it was no secret to anyone. But the sight of her name on that form made it all feel so incredibly cheap.
The fact that under 'end date of relationship,' he'd written 'forever' instead of simply 'current' wasn't even enough to lessen the weight that settled on her chest.
"You are not handing this in," she declared.
He chuckled as he walked around the desk to her, his expression teasing. "Mer, we've been married for almost 7 months. And together for a year and a half. I think they know we have sex," he joked.
"I'm serious, Derek," she said, tearing her eyes away from the form to look at him.
His brow furrowed as he realized how serious she was being. When he spoke his voice was quiet and even. "It's just a form."
"It's an invasion of privacy. And I'm pretty sure it's illegal."
"It's not just us," he reasoned. "Apparently a lot of hospitals have implemented things like this." He shrugged his shoulders, clearly not perturbed by having to fill out the form.
"I don't care. I'm not letting him do this to us."
He stepped up to her. His hands came to rest on her hips. "Mer, it's just a stupid form," he repeated. "It's not like we have anything to hide."
"That's not the point. It's invasive and cheap. I'm not letting him do this."
Derek cocked his head. "This is part of therapy overload?"
She huffed. "Maybe."
The corners of his lips curled upwards. "What did you do with your form?"
"Tore it up and threw it in the garbage."
His expression morphed into a fully fledged – and very amused – smile.
"I'm taking a stand," she told him.
"Okay. I'm willing to take a stand with you. But I'm not sure I understand what we're standing up against?"
She leaned into his warmth and snaked her hands around his waist. She pressed her nose into his chest and inhaled. God, she loved him. Here he was, completely confused about her motives – and the rational side of her understood exactly why – but ready to stand beside her no matter what. Even for a cause that really didn't mean anything.
"It's no secret we have sex," he said. "And I wouldn't want it to be," he continued when she didn't speak. "I love having sex with you." He dipped his head and pressed his open mouth against the sensitive skin where her neck met her shoulder. He grazed his teeth against her skin. "In fact, it's something I'm very proud of. I wouldn't care if the whole world knew," he whispered against her.
"That's not the point," she tried to explain. "Making us put that down on a form... It's...demeaning."
His lips climbed up her neck slowly. "It's not like we have anything to hide," he pointed out. "There will only be one person on both our forms."
She smiled at how sure he was of that. Despite her (admittedly irrational) aversion to this form, he hadn't paused for a moment to wonder if she was keeping a secret from him.
"I know," she said, wanting him to know she was as sure as he was.
He kissed his way along her jaw line and then up to her lips. "Would you feel this way if Richard wasn't in charge and someone else was asking us to fill this form out?"
She shook her head. "No, probably not."
He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes.
"I know it's not rational," she told him evenly.
He smirked. "Okay."
"And I don't know how to explain to you how I feel."
"Just try."
"I don't know if it will make sense."
"Try," he said again. "I've learned to listen between the lines. You make a lot more sense than you think."
She smiled at that. "He's had too much control over my life for a long time. Forever, Derek. He's had too much control forever. He kept her away from me and my dad when I was little. He made her leave my dad. He made her leave Seattle. He basically made my childhood what it was. Then I came back here and he's still in control. It's unfair that he's my boss. He controls my life and my career. He keeps trying to control you because you're my husband. And he steps outside his professional boundaries to do it."
"It isn't fair," Derek agreed. "You shouldn't have to have him as your boss."
"It isn't fair to you, either," she told him. "All the crap he's put you through. That's not fair. He uses his professional power against you."
"First of all, he's gotten much better. It's been months since he's tried anything like that. And second, and most important, you are more than worth any crap he throws my way. I'll jump through any hoops for you, Mer."
Her heart tugged at his earnest tone. "I know you will. But you shouldn't have to. Who the hell is he to have hoops?"
"Well, like I said, he hasn't pulled anything in months."
"That doesn't matter. It's the fact that he thinks he has a right to do so. He actually thought he had a right to judge you for being with me. For what? Making sure you were worthy?" She scoffed. "He's questioned my choice in you. My relationship. My decision to get married. My decision to change my name. Everything. It's debasing. He treated me badly at work, in the OR, in front of my interns, for weeks after I changed my name because he was mad at me. Seriously! Who the hell does he think he is? And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing. But this form is something I can refuse to be a part of. I had no control over the rest of it, but this I have control over. I can say no."
He nodded. "I understand. But, Mer, you realize this is hospital wide, right? He's not targeting us."
"But he's going to read them. It doesn't matter that it's supposed to be confidential. You know he's going to read them and compare them. And even though he's supposed to be professional, you know he's going to be interested in yours and mine just to make sure we're exclusive. It doesn't matter that our forms will only have each other on them and that that isn't a secret to anyone. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to confirm that. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to nose his way into our personal lives."
"You're probably right. He'll read the forms to make sure." He sighed and pulled her into a tight hug. "He can't be just the Chief of Surgery to you, Mer. But he is doing better."
"I don't care right now if he's doing better. I wouldn't care if he flipped a switch and became perfectly professional today. He's done too much in the past. He's taken too many liberties. He's treated us both badly and he..." She trailed off and swallowed hard. "He made my mother want to die, Derek."
He hugged her tighter.
She clutched at him as she refused to cry. Not here. She would get through the day.
"I'm so freaking angry at him. I can barely control it. And sometimes I don't want to control it. Because yelling and screaming at him actually seems like the right thing to do sometimes. And I hate that he's my boss and I have to be perfect and professional and he doesn't. It doesn't matter that he's behaving himself right now. It matters that he doesn't feel he has to."
He rubbed her back. "You realize withholding these forms could make it look like we're trying to hide something."
"I don't care," she whispered into his chest.
He kissed the top of her head. "Okay, then I don't care either."
"Really?"
He pulled back and bent to pick the form off the floor. She hadn't even realized she'd dropped it. With a smirk, he ripped it down the center, put the strips of paper together and ripped it again.
"Thank you," she told him.
He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I'll always be your wingman, Mer."
She laughed. "You're a good wingman."
He tossed the form into the garbage pail beside his desk and picked up the chart lying on his desk. "Let's go home and enjoy our two whole days off."
She followed him out of his office and reached for his hand as they rode the elevator down to the surgical floor. She went with him to file the chart, and then he went with her to the Residents' Lounge to change out of her scrubs.
She was just pulling her jacket on over her street clothes when the door opened and Cristina walked in.
"Hey," Meredith called. She hadn't seen her best friend since she had disappeared that morning upon learning of Burke's award. "Score a good surgery today?"
Cristina scoffed. "As if Hahn would let me near a patient. I spent the day in the morgue harvesting hearts."
"Oh, I..." She stammered, no words of support coming to mind.
"And the Chief paged me into the boardroom to tell me I had to fill out this form," she continued, unheeded by Meredith's lack of words or Derek's presence, "Which was a wonderful end to my day," she added, her voice heavy with sarcasm. "Evidently, the hospital is still liable, even though Dr. Burke no longer works here," she explained, clearly mimicking the Chief's statement.
"He called you in to tell you that?" She exchanged a look with Derek. "That seems a little harsh."
Cristina shrugged as she dug through her locker for some unknown item. "Whatever. Story of my life." He voice sounded dull and lifeless.
Meredith flinched. The day had clearly broken a part of Cristina's spirit. "Don't complete the form. Fight the power."
Cristina almost smirked as she glanced towards her. "Yeah, because that's reasonable."
"It is," she insisted. "Forms are stupid. Derek and I are boycotting."
"The happily married couple who each only have one person to list on their form is boycotting? Why?"
Derek shrugged. "Like Mer said; forms are stupid."
Cristina snorted. "You two make no sense, but you're entertaining."
"Join us," Derek prompted. "Three for the cause is better than two." He glanced at Meredith, who smiled warmly at him. She knew he was trying to make Cristina feel better, and she was grateful for it.
"Still not seeing what the cause is, exactly, but I'll consider your offer."
The door opened again, revealing George. "Oh, Mer, perfect. The Chief sent me to get your form."
"Forms are stupid, George," she said as she buttoned her coat and reached for her purse.
"Yeah, but I'm still going to need it." He stepped in front of her when she made to head for the door.
"George, seriously, I'm not going to fill out the form, so you may as well get out of my way."
"Come on, Mer, please? For me?"
"For you? I shouldn't even be talking to you after what you pulled. You don't just hand someone a form like that and disappear."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to be stuck doing that all day. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The Chief made me."
Another surge of anger washed over her. The Chief has pulled a surgeon off the floor for the day to have him distribute and collect a demeaning form. Who did he think he was?
"Fine. It's not your fault. But I'm still not filling out the form."
"Please?"
"Forms are stupid," she repeated her earlier statement.
George sighed. "What am I supposed to tell the Chief?"
She shrugged. "Tell him he's an ass. Tell him you're a surgeon and this little task he's assigned you is demeaning." She felt Derek's hand land on her back, calming her.
"I can't tell him that. He's the Chief of Surgery!"
"I say this with love, but you need to grow a pair, George. You're a surgeon. This job is demeaning and he picked you because he knew you'd go along with it." She took a breath. "If he asks where my form is, tell him I refused to complete one. And if he asks why, tell him I said for him to mind his own fucking business."
George looked over her shoulder, clearly looking to Derek for help.
Derek shifted to drape his arm over her shoulder. "Ditto."
George sighed and looked back to her. "I'll just tell him...something."
She smiled. "Great. We're off for the next two days. I wish you lots of good surgeries." She turned back to her best friend, who had been watching her exchange with George with interest, "Call me if you want to talk, or rant."
Cristina nodded.
Meredith marched out of the lounge with Derek beside her.