When Meredith opened her eyes she was warm and comfortable and happy. Derek's arm was hooked loosely over her abdomen and his bare chest was pressed against her back. Their legs were intertwined. The trailer mattress was just as comfortable as she had remembered, and the air around them was crisp and clear. The light from the rising sun was encroaching just enough to catch the ring on her left hand, the sparkle catching her eyes.
Everything was perfect.
But Meredith knew what she would have to do today. She closed her eyes and revelled for a long moment, absorbing all the happiness and warmth and strength that she could, because she knew she would need it for what she had to do that morning. For what she knew they both needed to do. The previous evening on the ferry had been challenging, but it wasn't enough. There was one particular item on their list that needed to be addressed. And it needed to be addressed now, before they went away, so that they could check off another item when they were away.
She was determined not to let her accident affect her future; their future.
With a deep breath, she shifted in Derek's arms, stretching her legs down against his. "Derek..." She mumbled.
He mumbled something incomprehensible in response.
She smiled as he buried his face in the back of her neck. Of the two, he was definitely the morning person; always bright and annoying cheerful when they were up for work long before the sun. He had trouble sleeping in while within the city limits, but here, out in the wilderness at his trailer, he slept deeper. Once, much earlier in their relationship, she had woken before him, had a shower and set to making breakfast without him so much as twitching. He had only woken when a string of curses reached his ears from the kitchen. She hadn't been allowed to cook breakfast unattended after that...
"Derek," she cooed. "Time to wake up."
He growled and shook his head.
She giggled and turned in his arms. "It's late."
He slowly opened one eye, and then the other. "Sometimes I don't like your internal intern alarm..."
She laughed and kissed him. "Me neither. But it's not that early, so you can't blame it this morning."
With a groan, he leaned in to kiss her again.
She kissed him back, but stopped him before a third kiss could be initiated. "You need to brush your teeth."
He made a face, and kissed her cheek before rolling away and heading for the bathroom.
Slowly getting out of bed herself, Meredith shivered at the sudden blast of cold air against her bare body. She pulled on her panties and the shirt Derek had been wearing the day before. She did up two buttons and wandered into the kitchen.
They had brought enough food with them to get through their one day weekend. Fishing through the fridge, she pulled out the eggs and other ingredients he would use to make them omelettes and set them on the counter.
Derek exited the bathroom wearing boxers and an old college tee. His eyes heated as they took in her appearance. Her tousled hair. Her body; bare save for his shirt.
She breathed, still taken aback by the intensity of his stares at times. She had never been so wanted before. So cherished.
"Your turn," he finally said, his voice rough.
She scooted past him and into the bathroom, quickly using the toilet and washing her hands before reaching for her toothbrush. She brushed for longer than usual, staring into her own gaze as she tried to convince herself of what she needed to do today. Derek wouldn't want to do it, she knew. She would have to convince them both. It was necessary, but she knew she would want to back out when the time came.
And he would let her.
After the minty-ness of her toothpaste had long since stopped tasting, she rinsed her mouth and joined Derek in the kitchen.
The omelettes were well under way as she took her normal position, sitting on the counter far enough from the stove that she wouldn't get burned but close enough that she kept Derek company.
"Am I allowed to kiss you now?" He asked, setting down his spatula.
She smirked as he sidled up to her, stepping between her legs, his arms snaking around her waist. Her hands ran up his chest to his shoulders on their own accord, and she hooked her heels around the backs of his legs to keep him close.
Derek skilfully closed his lips over hers, kissing her good morning.
"Derek...food..." She finally had to mutter between kisses.
He groaned and pulled away in time to save the omelettes from being burnt.
"Careful, Derek," she chastised jokingly, "We want to be able to eat our breakfast..."
He grumbled and sent her a sideways glare as he expertly scooped the omelettes onto plates. "I'd like to see you do better."
With a giggle, she hopped off the counter and ran a hand along his back as she passed him to get two sets of cutlery out of the drawer beside the stove. "I'm not allowed, remember?"
He chuckled. "I do. You tried to burn down my home."
She smacked him on his side as she walked back past him. "This isn't your home."
With a growl, he caught her just before she was out of reach, causing her to squeak in surprise and drop the cutlery as she suddenly found herself pulled against his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around her. "You're being neurotic again..." He whispered against her ear.
"I'm not," she countered, unable to say more.
He pressed his lips against the side of her neck. "Very, very neurotic," he murmured before kissing her neck again.
Finally finding her voice again, Meredith turned in his arms. "I am not the one who forgot where my home was."
He chuckled. "I didn't forget. That morning, when you almost burned down the trailer-"
"I did not almost burn down the trailer," she cut him off. "There was a small...cooking related incident. I had everything under control."
"You were looking for a fire extinguisher."
She made a face. "Only in case things got out of control."
"Oh, things were out of control. I had to get new oven mitts."
She scoffed. "We're getting off topic. The point is, maybe the trailer was your home back then-"
"The trailer was never my home." It was his turn to cut her off. "It was never my home," he repeated, his face breaking out into his trademark smile; complete with the sparkle in his eye that told her he was letting her in without any of his walls up at all.
Her heart skipped a beat just the way it did every time he looked at her like that. "Derek..."
Still smiling, he cocked his head to the side. "I was in Seattle for four days before I met you," he whispered. "The trailer is where I stayed for a while, where we stay together sometimes, but it has never been home."
"But..." She began, before trailing off when she realized she had nothing to say.
He cupped her cheek with his warm hand. "Without being accused of being sappy again...my life changed the moment I met you, Meredith. You're home to me. It doesn't matter where I am; if you're there it's home."
With tears in her eyes, she leaned into the hand that was still cupping her face. She inhaled raggedly, suddenly feeling a lump in her throat, and lifted her hand to rest over his; sandwiching it between her cheek and her palm. "That..." She stammered. "That... was very sappy," she finally managed to get out.
Derek chuckled, his eyes suddenly taking on a moist look. Without moving his hand from her cheek, he brushed his thumb under her eye, absorbing the lone tear she hadn't even realized had fallen. "Maybe. But it's true."
Meredith pushed forward, leaning her forehead against Derek's chin and pressing her nose into his neck, breathing him in. The intensity was getting to her, making her chest feel like it was shrinking. But not in a way that made her want to run like she would have a year ago. Now, when she felt like this, she pulled herself closer to the man making her feel it, knowing he would understand. Knowing it was okay to be so vulnerable.
He closed his arms around her, holding her loosely.
"Me too," she finally managed to whisper. "I...me too."
He ran a hand up and down her spine. "I've never felt like this before."
"Me neither," she whispered. And it was true. She'd never felt such a sense of belonging before. She'd never felt loved and wanted. She'd never felt so safe. In a heartbeat she removed her forehead from his chin and pressed her lips fiercely against his, needing to feel him even closer.
It only took another heartbeat for him to respond. And suddenly they were moving together towards the bedroom, their breakfast forgotten.
"Well, cold omelettes aren't that bad," Meredith offered, over an hour later, when she and Derek were finally sitting down to breakfast.
He offered her a smile before taking a bite. "They'd be a lot better if they were hot, but I like what we did while they got cold..."
She smiled back at him. "Me too."
He made a face as he took a second, cold, bite. "So, what do you want to do today...other than the obvious, of course," he said, raising an eyebrow suggestively.
Swallowing the swell of anxiety she felt at the question of what they would do today, Meredith forced a smile to her face. "One track mind much?"
"Only around you."
"We can do that," she agreed easily. "But there is one other thing I want- need," she corrected. "There's something I need to do."
He set down his fork, his expression suddenly filled with concern.
"And I need for you to help me; to make sure I...do what I need to do."
"Meredith," he spoke her name softly. "What are we talking about?"
She sighed and looked away from his eyes for a moment. "I need you to help me."
"Hey," he reached out, grasping his fingers around her forearm, drawing her eyes back to his. "I'll do anything for you, Meredith. You're worrying me. What's going on?"
She stood suddenly, brushing her hand over his shoulder as she walked past him, silently communicating that she would be right back.
The small plastic bag was right where she had stashed it, hidden at the bottom of her duffel bag. She pulled it out and felt the plastic crinkle around the objects within in. And then, before she could talk herself out of it, she walked back to the kitchen and deposited the bag in Derek's lap.
"What is..." He trailed off when he dumped the contents of the bag onto the table beside his plate, revealing the mask and snorkel she had promised to buy him so many months before, back when they had first come up with their list. He shook his head, immediately understanding what she was planning. "No."
"Derek."
"No," he repeated. "No, Meredith."
"It's on the list, Derek. You promised to teach me how to swim."
He sighed heavily, saying nothing.
Arms wrapped around her torso, Meredith sat back down on her side of the table. "We're supposed to go snorkelling in three weeks," she reminded. "It's on out list."
"We can do it another time."
"No," she whispered fiercely. "I can't let my accident control any parts of my life, of our life. I won't let it, Derek. I refuse to let one horrible day stop us from being happy."
He stood and slid his chair around the end of the table so that he could sit right beside her, his arms wrapping securely around her. "Nothing is going to stop us from being happy."
She leaned into him, grasping at his shirt with her fingers. "I close my eyes and I think back, and I can still feel the water, Derek, and the fear," she whispered into his chest. "I want to be able to remember being in the water as a good thing.
He rested his head on hers. "I don't want to do this."
"I don't either. But we need to do this. We can do this," she assured, lifting her head to meet his eyes. She reached for his hand and grasped it tightly, before repeating, "We can do this."
"We could just do it another time. We don't have to go snorkelling on this trip."
"Yeah, we do," she countered quietly. "We can't let my accident stop any of our plans."
"Not stop. Just delay."
"I need to do this, Derek."
"But-"
"I don't want to be afraid anymore."
His brow furrowed as his eyes welled.
"Please," she added.
He pulled her head back to his chest in response, holding her tight to him. "Okay," he finally whispered into the top of her head. "Okay, I...we can go swimming. I don't want to, but we can."
Tears sprang to her eyes and she buried her face into his chest, her arms wrapped tightly around him. She hadn't been sure she would be able to convince him; and she hadn't been sure she wanted to convince him. "I'm scared," she whispered.
If it were possible, his arms tightened around her even further. "We're going to fix that," he promised.
Meredith stood a few feet from the edge of the dock, her arms wrapped protectively around her middle, a seemingly constant shiver running down her spine as took in the water that seemed to be all around her. Dark. Cold. Deceptively smooth. The sun was shining brightly, reflecting off the water in splashes of colour and light.
She heard the soft footsteps behind her, and felt a wave of relief as strong arms enveloped her from behind.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Derek asked softly, his chin resting on her shoulder.
She clutched at his hands. "No."
He sighed heavily. "I'm here."
"I know."
He rubbed his cheek against hers, and remained silent for a long moment, before turning her in his arms and meeting her eyes. "I made you a promise," he reminded, offering her a smile. "It's going to be okay."
She offered him a wobbly smile. "I believe you."
He kissed her quickly, like a habit, before grasping her hand and leading her back down the dock. "Come on."
Once back on solid ground, Meredith turned once more to face the water. There was a delay before Derek's arms wrapped around her waist again, and this time his chest was bare. She knew without looking that he had stripped down to his bathing suit. He didn't want to do this, she knew, but he would do it for her. He would do anything for her.
He would take care of her today. She trusted him.
"It's going to be okay, right?"
Derek swayed them side to side. "It will," he assured. "We'll take it easy today. We'll have other opportunities after this." With a kiss to the side of her neck, he released her.
"What do we do now?" She hesitated, turning partway to the side, so she could turn her head to see both Derek and the water.
"Well, first, you have to take off your clothes," he murmured, smirking at her as he reached for the hem of her shirt. "And this might be my favourite part..."
She allowed a short giggle as he pulled her shirt over her head, revealing the bathing suit she had purchased months ago, in preparation for their trip.
"And now the pants..." He continued, reaching for the fly of her jeans.
Swatting away his hands, she undid the buttons and shimmied the jeans over her hips, letting them fall to the ground and stepping out of them. When she looked up to meet Derek's eyes, they were dark and filled with worry. But he was offering her a supportive smile.
He didn't want to do this.
But he would do anything for her.
And she trusted him.
They could do this.
"Okay," she murmured. "Now what?"
He reached for her hand and squeezed. "Now we get wet."
A nervous laugh escaped from somewhere deep inside her chest. "I..."
"I'll be there the whole time," he assured, tugging on her hand as he moved closer to the uneven line where the water met the ground. He recognized her sudden hesitation for what it was, and he knew when she needed a push.
Meredith let him lead her to the brink of the water, and together they stopped so that just their toes got wet.
She stared out at the water and sucked in a breath. "I think this is enough for today," she attempted a joke.
He chuckled, his hand still gripping tightly to hers. "Let's go a bit further."
She shuffled forward, the coldness of the water covering her foot, passing her ankle and slowly creeping up her calves. They stopped again, the water hovering just past their knees.
"This isn't so bad," she admitted. Her heart was thumping heavily in her chest, but she wasn't suffering from the heart wrenching pain and fear she had been expecting. She felt surprisingly safe; something she knew had everything to do with the unwavering support from the man beside her.
"Do you want to go further?"
"In a minute. I just...this is okay. I want to just...be here for a minute."
Dropping her hand, he wrapped his arms around her from the side, resting his chin on her shoulder and pressing his face into the side of her head. "I'm glad this is okay."
"Me too. It's not as scary as I thought it would be."
"Mmm, it's not," he agreed. His embrace was snug and secure, but not tight and desperate. He was taking the time to adjust as well.
"Okay, two more steps," she finally spoke up.
He released her and reached for her hand again, letting her set the pace as they pushed forward.
The water level slowly moved up past her knees. Up her thighs. Over he waist. When she finally came to a stop again, the water was high along her abdomen.
"That was definitely more than two steps," Derek commented, keeping the mood light.
"I was on a roll," she retorted.
"A good roll," he murmured, kissing her cheek.
"It's cold," she commented, shivering slightly; at the temperature only, and not out of fear.
He made a face. "It is. Going in slowly is hard. It's far easier to just jump in."
"Maybe next time..."
He chuckled. "Try crouching down a bit. It'll help." He did so himself, shrinking down in the water so that he was submerged past his shoulders.
Clutching extra tight to his hand, she crouched down as well, until the water reached her neckline. She paused and counted to five, before standing upright again and taking a deep breath, knowing what was next.
Derek shuffled them forward, before turning and facing her, taking her other hand and continuing to move backwards.
She hesitated before looking up to meet his eyes, overwhelmed with the trust she felt. And slowly, she allowed him to urge her forward. The water level rose past her abdomen, past her chest, to her shoulders.
The water passed her shoulders and she stopped, needing a minute.
"It's okay," he murmured. "I've got you."
"I know. I just need...a minute."
While the water was up just past her shoulders, with Derek's superior height, it hovered just below his shoulders. "When you're ready..."
It was time to take that last leap. She wasn't as scared as she had expected to be, but it was still a scary thing to be doing. Memories of the last time she had been in the water flashed behind her eyes, but she wasn't overwhelmed with the fear and desperation she had once felt. Derek had been there for her last time when she needed him most. And he was here with her the whole time this time.
She shifted her weight side to side as she prepared herself for the leap she knew she needed to make, knowing he would be there to catch her.
"I'm here," he reminded, his eyes no longer pinched and dark and filled with worry. This wasn't as bad as either of them thought it would be. He tugged gently on her hands, urging her without forcing her. He would be there to catch her.
"I know," she whispered in response. He would always be there. Clutching tightly to his hands, she leaned forward and carefully lifted her feet off the floor of the pond.
And then, with Derek's support, she was floating.
It wasn't nearly as cold as last time. Her heart was beating strongly in her chest, but she wasn't afraid. The waves were low and quiet, not strong and high, knocking her around like last time.
And, most importantly, Derek was here the whole time, and not just in her thoughts. Last time she had wished him there with her. This time he was there with her by choice, his gaze and smile unwavering.