Her patient struggled unexpectedly.
It caught her off guard, but she didn't have time to chastise herself as she staggered backwards, struggling to catch her balance. Her heel caught the ledge of the pier, and suddenly she was falling, her last sight a fleeting glance of the small blond girl that reminded her so much of herself at that age.
Alone.
Afraid.
Lost.
The free fall to the water was too short to be scary, but also didn't allow Meredith to prepare for the impact. Her head and backs of her shoulders hit first, sending shockwaves of pain through her back, neck and arms. When her descent finally stopped, she was overwhelmed with heaviness as water pushed at her from all directions.
It was dark.
Cold.
She was completely disoriented, having no idea which way was up.
Panic washed over her and she gasped inadvertently. The cold water seared her lungs and she tried to scream, which only led to more water entering her respiratory system. It hurt; but not quite as much as the first time.
Her body was twisted, suspended. Stuck. Surrounded by cold, dark water.
It had only been hours before that she had been surrounded by warm, clear water.
Neither she nor Derek had slept much the night before. She had been struggling with the impact of her mother's lucid words. Derek had been uncomfortable, trying to be there for her, while dealing with a lingering headache and sense of nausea from the toxic scare the previous day.
It had still been dark when they had finally given up on getting any real sleep.
Derek's arm tightened around her as he snuggled closer, his breath warm on the back of her neck. "You're not sleeping."
Meredith smiled to herself. "Neither are you."
"Touché."
She giggled before sobering. "I'm tired, but...not."
"Hmm, very decisive."
Meredith smiled to herself, grateful that he was trying so hard to make her smile. "I love you," she whispered, unable to not say it in that moment.
"Mmm, I love you too," he whispered back before pressing his lips into her neck.
With a sigh, Meredith turned in his arms, offering him a small smile when she met his eyes. Her mother's words had crushed her the previous day, and she had laid her heart on the line when she had told Derek her most darkest secret. But he was still there beside her. And the look in his eyes told her he would be there always; no matter how many deep, dark secrets she revealed.
"I can't sleep," she admitted.
He smiled back. "Me either."
"I can't stop thinking about...everything."
"Mmm," he murmured, lifting a hand to brush the hair out of her eyes. "I'm sorry."
She shrugged awkwardly from her position. "It's not your fault."
"I'm still sorry you had to go through all of that."
"Yeah," she sighed. "Me too." She had never allowed herself to be sorry, because she had grown up believing that being sorry about it was akin to feeling sorry for herself. And that was something Meredith Grey wasn't able to be. But now she was sorry that she had gone through what she had. She was sorry she hadn't been born to a mother like Derek's, a mother who loved and cared and wanted nothing more than happiness for her children. She was sorry, but she wasn't wallowing in self pity. She wasn't going to live regretting what her mother had done to her, because that would allow Ellis to ruin her whole life.
Meredith was moving on. She wanted to live the rest of her life free from her mother's voice in her head. Meredith was determined to have a bright future.
"I have an idea," Derek said suddenly.
"What?"
He said nothing, simply kissing her quickly and then rolling out of bed.
"Where are you going?"
"Patience, woman," he called as he disappeared into the bathroom.
"Don't call me woman!" She yelled after him as she giggled to herself. Every once in a while he would use some stereotypical pet name as a joke, and even though she knew it was a joke, and went along with it by giving him shit, it still made her heart flutter. Because he loved her that much.
He was only gone for a couple minutes, and she heard water running before he stepped back into their bedroom. She narrowed her eyes at him as he appeared before her. "What are you doing?"
"We are going to take a bath."
She tried to bite back the smile threatening across her lips. "We are, huh?"
He nodded, stepping closer to the bed and pulling the blankets off of her. "We're obviously not going to get back to sleep," he explained. "And we could use some relaxation. It's not going to be an easy day."
Meredith shook her head in agreement. It wasn't going to be a good day. Her mother's heart surgery was relatively straight forward, and was being performed by one of the best cardiothoracic surgeons in the country, but she knew she would still be anxious throughout her shift. And she wouldn't even have any surgeries of her own to keep her mind occupied, as she would be stuck in triage drills all day.
And even if she didn't have triage drills, she knew her resident and Chief of Surgery wouldn't let her near a patient with a scalpel today, no matter how many times she insisted she was fine to work.
She mock glared up at him as she found herself exposed to the cool morning air, as he had removed all of her blankets. "It's cold."
He nodded. "Hence the warm bath."
Meredith made a show of sighing as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood. "Fine."
Derek rolled his eyes in good nature, and reached for her as she neared. "Stubborn," he mumbled, his hands finding her hips as he ducked his head, pressing his nose and lips into the wave of hair by the crook of her neck and inhaling deeply. "Stubborn, stubborn woman..."
She giggled, looping her arms around his neck. "I told you not to call me that..."
"Which one; stubborn or woman?"
"Both."
He laughed. "But both are true."
"No, they're not."
Derek smirked. "So, you're not a woman? Because I could swear you have a-"
"Derek!" She exclaimed, swiping a hand at him. "You so know what I meant. Stop being an ass."
He laughed. "Sorry."
She rolled her eyes. "No, you're not."
Using his hand to pull her hair away from her neck, his lips moved over her smooth skin. "I kind of am. Let me show you just how sorry I am..."
"Derek," she moaned his name. "I thought...bath...water running..."
He groaned and reluctantly pulled away. "Bath first."
Meredith let him lead her into the bathroom, and sighed in content as he slipped into the bath behind her, his strong arms encircling her waist. She leaned her back against him, smiling as he nuzzled his chin into the crook of her neck. "This was a good idea," she told him as she ran her fingers through the excess of bubbles floating on top of the water.
"Mmm," he agreed. "Anything that involves you naked is a good idea."
"Ah, now I get it. This wasn't a supportive boyfriend thing. You had ulterior motives."
Derek laughed out loud. "You caught me," he said wryly.
The frigid water of Elliot Bay was so cold that it felt like a different substance against Meredith's body, such a far reach from the warmth of the bath water that morning. And dark. So dark.
Her body stopped twisting, and for a moment she froze, suspended in the never ending dark abyss of her new environment. And then, as if on autopilot, she began struggling upwards, her arms and legs moving and kicking and clawing awkwardly.
And just when she thought she couldn't wait another moment without drawing a breath, her head broke the surface of the water.
She gasped and sputtered for a long moment, before she was back under the surface, cold water once again rushing down her trachea. But that one moment of freedom from the dark, unrelenting waters was enough to make her fight upwards again. And this time when she broke the surface, she managed to stay there.
It was hard, and her energy level was draining fast. She didn't know how long she could do this.
She didn't know how to swim.
She was supposed to learn. And the irony of the situation failed to miss her, despite her situation. A month and a half from now, she and Derek were supposed to be traveling south, to go swim with the fishes, as she had so eloquently put it. And Derek had promised to take her swimming in his pond when the water was warmer. And that should only have been weeks away.
"So, are you really serious about going south?" Derek asked suddenly.
Meredith looked up from her textbook, glancing beside her. She and Derek had been sitting side by side in bed for close to an hour, her studying a medical textbook and him reading a Seattle magazine. "You mean our vacation to swim with the fishes?"
He laughed. "Exactly."
She nodded. "Of course. I've never been on a romantic vacation with a boy before."
Derek smirked. "Me neither."
Meredith rolled her eyes. "Why do I put up with you?"
"Because you love me," he quipped.
She grumbled to herself, biting back a smile.
Dropping his magazine to his lap, Derek hooked an arm around her waist and scooted closer. "I heard back from my request form today," he explained. "I got the full two weeks off after your test."
Meredith let her smile come through. "That's great. We can go to New York and somewhere tropical."
"Mmm," he agreed.
She sighed and dropped her book, leaning into Derek's warmth. "I can't wait. It'll mean this stupid test is over. I spent eight years in school after high school. I don't want to freaking study anymore."
"You do know the test is more than two months away, right?"
"Yeah, but Cristina is a freaking slave driver about studying. She gave me a list of books and chapters and deadlines so we can discuss everything to death."
He chuckled. "Well, you'll have a stress free vacation to look forward to."
"No, I'll have a stressful trip to New York to look forward to first. And then a stress free vacation...that is if your family doesn't kill me first..."
"They're going to love you. And you shouldn't be worried, Mer. You've already met one sister, and talked to my mother...twice... You'll be fine."
She rolled her eyes and smacked him at his reference to the second time she had spoken to his mother; a conversation she still had absolutely no memory of. "Stupid morphine," she mumbled under her breath.
"Ah, don't say that. You were cute on the morphine."
"And, apparently, completely uninhibited."
He laughed. "That was what was so cute."
She made a strangled noise in the back of her throat and buried her face in her hands.
Derek's arm tightened around her, and he leaned close to press his lips against the side of her head. "I love you," he reminded.
"I love you too," she mumbled back.
"So," he prompted, trying to get her back to his original topic. "We need to decide where we want to go."
"Somewhere warm and tropical. With fishes to swim with."
He rolled his eyes. "That doesn't really narrow it down."
"And somewhere with a beach. And a big, soft bed..."
"Meredith," he groaned. "You're not helping."
She giggled and turned to face him, meeting his gaze. "Honestly, Derek, I don't care where we go. I'm just excited to be going away with you."
He beamed at her, and she couldn't help but smile back. "We'll have to get some brochures or something."
"M'kay," she agreed. "And we still need to do the swimming thing."
"When it's warmer," he promised. "There's no hurry."
Meredith tried to scream for help, but she barely made a noise. Her lungs felt so heavy, like a bad cough where you're hacking up mucous, except so, so much worse. It felt like there was a vice around her chest, pressing the oxygen out of her. It was so tight that she couldn't cough, could barely breathe at all.
She tried screaming for help again, using all available energy, but this time the pause of activity she took for her attempt caused her to go under again.
And it took longer for her to get back to the surface this time.
It was then that she realized how cold she was, how overwhelming the low temperature of the water was to her unprotected body. Her fingers and toes were going numb, and she knew that her arms and legs couldn't be far behind.
There was no way she could call for help. She needed to get herself out of the water, and fast.
The pier seemed so far away, even though it couldn't be more than two dozen feet, if that at all. Kicking her legs to keep her head above water, Meredith tried to use her arms to move towards the dock. But try as she might, she didn't seem to be moving.
She let out a strangled sob of frustration before tilting herself in the water and trying again. Derek had told her swimming was about coordination. She had to be doing something wrong.
A wave washed over her, taking advantage of her new position, and drew her under once again.
This time there was a horrifying moment where she didn't think she would find the surface again. It was cold, so cold.
Meredith gasped weakly as she met air again. If her slowly numbing body had any extra energy left she would be crying. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not when she had a career and friends and a man who loved her. Not when she had a life, a future.
She and Derek were supposed to have a future.
They were supposed to move out of her mother's house.
They were supposed to get married.
They were supposed to build their dream house on his land.
They were supposed to start a family.
They were supposed to be together for decades.
Less than a year was not enough.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
Her saturated scrubs were starting to feel heavy, pulling her downwards. "No," she tried to cry, forcing her heavy arms and legs to keep working. It couldn't end this way.
She couldn't just disappear like this, swallowed by the frigid ocean waters, possibly never to be seen again.
Her last interaction with her friends couldn't be an unacknowledged pause beside an ambulance.
Her last interaction with Derek couldn't be a few exchanged words in the middle of a disaster.
"Derek," she called as she hurried up to his familiar form.
He glanced away from the wound he was dressing to meet her eyes, offering her a supportive smile. "Hey. You got a free hand? Hold this bandage for me."
"Yeah," she murmured, reaching her arm in front of him to hold down the bandage.
He went to work on the patient, his practiced hands making easy work of securing the dressing.
Meredith sighed as she took the moment to breathe, taking comfort from his closeness.
"You alright?" He asked worriedly.
She nodded. "Yeah; it's just a lot." And it really was. The noise and chaos of the situation was near overwhelming status. It was her first mass casualty in her medical career, and probably wouldn't be her last. She hoped she could one day handle it like Derek. She knew he'd be more affected later, but right now he was the picture of calm self-assuredness. "I just can't believe..."
"What?" He glanced at her again.
She shook her head. "It's just ironic, you know? That we had the triage drills this morning..."
He nodded as he finished up with the patient. "That's probably why the Chief picked you guys to come here; the information will be fresh in your head." He gave the nod for the paramedic to wheel the patient towards an ambulance, and stood upright, facing her. "Of course, the fact that you're the best probably factors into it, too..."
She offered him a small smile. "Derek..."
"What? It's the truth. Everyone knows Bailey's interns are the best."
Meredith sighed. "Whatever. Are you good? Because I have to get this little girl to triage."
Derek did a double take, as if just noticing the small blond girl attached to Meredith's hand. "Is she okay?"
Meredith nodded, smiling gently at his concern. "Yeah, she's good. She's just lost."
He nodded. "Okay. I'll catch up with you later."
"Yeah."
She couldn't let this happen. She had so much more to do with her life, to learn, to experience, to say.
Her arms and legs felt like they were filled with lead. Each kick and pull was filled with pain and far too much effort. Her lungs were screaming in anguish as they struggled to absorb what little oxygen they could through the brick wall of freezing seawater saturating her alveoli.
It couldn't end like this.
She had a future.
She couldn't let this happen.
But she was getting heavier.
Her arms and legs were losing energy.
She could barely breathe.
The waves seemed to be getting stronger and stronger every moment, sucking her under more and more.
She couldn't cough. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't call for help.
It was cold and dark and scary.
And she was alone. All alone.
Lost to the world.
"No..." She barely whispered, overwhelmed with fear and hopelessness.
She had a future... She was supposed to have a future. With a loving husband. And chatty children. And friends who were family. And a job she was good at. And a dream house that felt like home.
She was not supposed to go unnoticed to a watery grave.
But, short of a miracle, that was exactly where she was going. The swimming thing she was attempting wasn't going to work much longer. The waves kept washing over her, pulling her under and making her weak attempts to keep breathing all the more harder.
Her legs gave out, and she was underwater in a heartbeat.
With a strangled cry, she forced them to kick upwards, and managed to break the surface again, but her legs were done. This would be her last time above water.
She tried to make her arms work harder, but they would soon follow her legs into heavy numbness. "No..." She cried again, unable to even hear her own voice.
She had so much to live for, so much potential for good in her life.
But this was just too much. She couldn't overcome the water; couldn't fight her way out. It was too cold. Too dark. Too strong.
"Derek..." She whispered weakly. "I..." And she was underwater again. Darkness was all around her. She was so cold.
Her arms slowly stopped moving, leaving her suspended once more in the dark abyss.
There was a drawn out moment of silence before she couldn't not inhale. And then water filled her lungs to the brim.
Her head screamed in protest and pain. But it was over.
Her eyes closed against the harshness of the water, and Meredith slowly drifted into unconsciousness.
There's more I have to say...