.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙warning: thoughts of suicide *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙·͙.
⁺✧𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦, 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨
𝘐 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵⁺✧
The pitter-patter of the rain interrupted me of my train of thought. The sound of the blanket filled the empty room as I sat up in our bed. The dark circles around my eyes were obvious and I looked miserable, Neon on the other hand looked like she was having the best rest ever.
I swear I've done this before. This cycle just keeps repeating and repeating, is my life really that fucked up now? Why is this happening to me?
Another sleepless night, the only thing that made me the slightest bit of sleepy was how exhausted my eyes felt after crying so much. There were only two people in my life that I could rely on now, but I've bothered them way too much.
Getting out of bed, I decide I want to take a trip to my family's gravestones. It had been a few weeks since they passed, I still haven't gotten over it. I do have a somewhat dysfunctional family, but my siblings are alright.
Changing my clothes, too lazy to shower, I quietly make my way down the mansion that belonged to Light Nostrade. I slip on my shoes and grab an umbrella, making my way to the nearby graveyard.
After a very long amount of time passes, I finally end up at the graveyard, I quicken up my pace as I try to find my siblings gravestone.
It took awhile, mostly because I forgot where they were located, but I found it.
I stare at the curve-shaped stone.
How could staring at a rock make me wanna cry so bad?
"I hope whoever did this to you is rotting in hell." I trace my fingers over the carved in words, feeling my entire body start to heat up.
Holding back tears, I tried to ignore the tingling sensation throughout my entire body. My eyes trail over to my brothers tombstone. I move over to sit in the middle of the two.
"I'm sorry. I really wish I could've been in the car so I could've died with you guys, at this point I don't even want to be alive anymore. Why is so much happening to the people I love, why can't it just be me for once?" My fingers dig into my knees as I bring them up closer to my chest.
I sat there in silence, except for the calming sound of the rain.
"Do you guys remember that one time on the Fourth of July? As usual, dad was busy so he shut us out of his study for like, the entire day. I remember how I treated you, sis, you wanted to take me out but I was too scared of the fireworks so I was being a brat and cried. Later that night I started crying again because I wanted to go out to see the fireworks, but I was still scared. You guys came outside with me and held me while we watched the fireworks together, do you remember that?"
Silence. That's how it continued for the rest of my time there, I spoke and was only greeted with silence.
"Do you remember that one time on Christmas the power went out so you stayed outside for hours with me in the snow, even tho you hated it, brother?"
I laughed as I felt myself starting to loose it, tombstones sat in the place of where my siblings would be, but to me they were still there, just sitting in complete silence.
"That time the three of us visited mom in the hospital and you spilt her gravy all over your new dress, sister! ...oh yeah...she's gone too." My playfully manner quickly disappeared as I was met with reality.
All of my family is gone. No more christmases, no more drinking hot chocolate together in the living room watching movies together, no more ordering pizza and playing games on Friday nights, no more yelling at each other to shut up from the other room, no more hugs and reassurance from the people you loved the most.
The more you thought about it, the deeper the feeling of wanting to die really settled in. My fingernails scratched deeply on my skin, from my elbow all the way to my wrists.
All of my family, Gon, Leorio, and who I thought would've been my closest friend, Kosuke. They're all gone now. In a way, I could've prevented all of this from happening.
I immediately stopped what I was doing, feeling the scratches in my arms I had just created.
'What the hell, Y/n? That's the one thing I promised not to do incase a situation like this happened. You can do this, now that everyone's gone you can't rely on anyone by yourself, and for you to do that you need to be okay and healthy.'
Grabbing my umbrella I had thrown on the ground, I shake off some water on me and make my way back. I stop, glancing over to my fathers gravestone.
"I'll never forgive you for how you treated my family. Fuck you, bitch." I walk away, not giving it another glance.
——
A/n
(This talks about suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and just sensitive topics overall, so beware. This is also something I need to get off my chest)
Hi guys, I'm sorry I haven't made any new chapters considering I'm on summer break now, but I really wanna talk about this even if it may or may not be for the audience I'm hoping it reaches
Sooo I like have this friend and he's very, I guess you can say suicidal. I'm trying to refrain from saying any sensitive or triggering words.
It made me realize that the human body and mind is very sensitive and fragile. You may look or act like you're strong, but it's okay to have feelings. Those feelings like you don't belong, you aren't good enough, or feelings that make you feel suicidal.
I do have plans for this book but I wanted to use this chapter to really show that it's okay to feel those ways. Even if there's no cause, if you're feeling suicidal, or sad and stuff that's fine, no one can change how YOU feel, only you can. Feelings is one thing, but hurting yourself is another. If you feel you're truly alone in this world then I am sorry, but I am always here if you need to talk, Wattpad has a messaging system for a reason, lol.
If you're guilty of something, you feel alone, or you just feel sad overall then I'm sorry. It may sound harsh but if you don't open up to anyone or you feel like no one can help you then that's just how it is. If you can't rely on anyone else, you have to rely on YOURSELF. If you're absolutely certain no one can help you then no one can save you, so you have to do it yourself. You are your own hero and just by TRYING or thinking of things you wanna do in the future it can be a great motive.
If you don't know what to do in the future then you should wait and find out.
I know that everyone is different and their experiences and feelings are definitely very diverse, I can tell from my own experience that even if you're sad, there's always that one light. It doesn't have to be anything physical, it could be like a show, a game, or just anything. Whatever that is, is your light.
During October of 2020, I would self harm. Coincidentally, that is also the time I started this book. I felt really upset and as if I was just a burden, but after making this book I saw I was making peoples day, so I also really wanted to say thank you :) I love every single one of you, if you ever feel like you don't belong or no one acknowledges you, I do and I love you so much.
I know a lot of you probably skipped this or didn't read this chapter at ALL, but everyone goes through something. Happiness and success doesn't come easy, at all. Nothing comes for free. Unless you do it yourself, no one is gonna save you so you have to rely on yourself. When you realize your true potential, you'll be unstoppable. You've made it so far already, your body is your best friend and they're proud of you for making it this far so you have to continue to take care of it.
With lots of love, cupcakes, hugs, rainbows, cookies, and candy hearts, Rainbow <3