"Addison!" Derek called as he recognized his ex-wife exiting a patient room down the hall. She paused, her back to him, but didn't turn to face him for several moments.
"What do you want, Derek?" She asked when he was close, her voice low and flat.
"I want to talk."
"I have nothing left to say to you."
"Well, I have some things to say," he told her as calmly as he could. "Do you think you could listen?"
"Derek, I just don't want to fight anymore." She remained stoic, but a hint of vulnerability betrayed her through her voice.
"Okay. We don't have to fight. I just want you to listen."
She sighed heavily. "Fine."
"Thank-you."
He led them down the hall to a small meeting room, where he silently motioned for her to take a seat and he closed the door, hoping for privacy.
She collapsed into the far chair and crossed her arms across her chest, remaining silent; obviously committing to her job to simply listen. Derek sighed and sat across from her. "I don't want to fight anymore, either," he began quietly. He had spent an hour in his office after his talk with Meredith, finishing his paperwork as he calmed down to ready himself for this talk.
She didn't speak, but met his eyes, her expression relatively unguarded in response to his softer tone.
Derek nodded his appreciation to her willingness to listen. "I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to hate you, Addison. We weren't happy for a long time. We both know that. And it was as much my fault as it was yours. I'll take half the blame for that. And I don't know what hurts more, that you cheated, or that you cheated with Mark."
She avoided his eyes, but it was out of disgrace and not anger. "I am sorry about that, Derek. I hate that I ruined your friendship."
"I know you do. And one day, I want to forgive you for that. But I can't begin to do so when all you seem to do is try to make my life difficult." He paused. "Why are you here?" He asked softly.
She shrugged. "I don't know."
"Are you here for me?" He asked hesitantly. "Are you waiting for me to come back to you?"
"I just don't know anymore, Derek."
"We weren't happy," he reiterated. "Even before Mark, we weren't happy. I think that we were headed in this direction, and all you did was speed up the process."
"Do you think we could have salvaged us, if I hadn't..."
Derek shrugged. "I don't know." He had asked himself this question. "Maybe we could have, but for how long? In retrospect, we're very different."
"That's not always a bad thing."
"Not always, but I think we're different where it counts. Addy, you want the Hamptons and charity events and designer names and private practice."
She nodded. "I do. But I can change. I don't have to have those things."
"But you shouldn't have to change to be happy."
"And I made you change too much."
"You made me change a lot. But I didn't realize what was happening. I thought that was just what you did when you were successful."
"Were you really unhappy?"
He sighed. "I don't know. I didn't even realize I was unhappy until I moved out here. I own forty acres of land and I live in a trailer and I work more hours than I sleep. And I love it."
"And you love her." She added quietly, once again averting her eyes.
"I do." He sighed heavily, not wanting to have this conversation with her, but wondering if this was what she needed to gain closure. "I didn't come here looking for a relationship. And I know it's inappropriate, but when we met, we didn't know we would work together. And when we found out, she tried to keep me out and told me nothing could happen. She's not a bad person. I don't want you to hate her."
Addison sighed heavily and hesitantly met his eyes. "I don't hate her, Derek. As much as I want to, I can't."
"Good, because she doesn't deserve that. She's a good person. And she tried to do the right thing, but right from the very beginning there was just something between us. And I know she's an intern, and that I'm looked upon badly. And I know she's younger than me. But..." he trailed off and debated whether or not to continue.
"But what, Derek?" she prompted.
"Honestly? I'm happy. I don't want to hurt her career, or mine, but she's worth it for me, and she tells me I'm worth it for her. I've never felt this way before. And I'm sorry that that hurts you, Addy, I really am. I'm sorry we never had that."
"Yeah, me too."
"It's not a midlife crisis," he spoke quietly, but firmly.
She nodded. "I think I'm starting to believe you."
"Good."
"Are you going to marry her?"
"I think so," he said gently. "It's only been a few months. And we're just taking things slow right now. And it's not fair to ask her to focus away from her career until she's done her internship."
"So, it won't be soon."
"No."
"Good."
Derek sighed as he realized why she was asking. It wasn't because she wanted to know. It was because she needed warning if she was going to be around for it. "Addy, why don't you go home?" He asked softly.
She shrugged. "Go home to what? I can't return to my friends and admit I couldn't get you to come home with me."
"Addison..."
"No," she shook her head. "It's like you said, I put myself in this situation. I don't want your sympathy. I can build a new life here. Or I'll move on to somewhere else. But I doubt I'll return to New York."
He nodded. "Okay. I won't give you sympathy, but... I am here, if you need someone to listen. Without trying to sound too cliché, I hope we can be friends one day."
"Not for a while," she told him. "But one day...I think I'd like that too."
"Good." He nodded to her and stood to leave.
"Derek, thank-you for making me talk. I think... I think it was good."
"Me too. Thanks for listening. We need to learn to get along at work."
"We do, and we will. I won't get in your way anymore."
"Thanks, Addy."
000
It was only a few hours later that Addison found herself in the OR, surrounded by just about as many doctors and nurses as would fit in the room as she carefully delivered her patient's quintuplets. Although her earlier talk with her ex-husband had been painful, she was glad they had done it, and she was pretty sure it had been helpful.
She had originally moved to Seattle for him, in the hopes that he would realize what he was missing and leave his intern. But as the weeks had gone by, she had been taken by the way he responded to the younger woman. It wasn't a cheap thing. It wasn't revenge. It wasn't a midlife crisis. He really was falling in love with her.
And now she was stuck in Seattle, unable to return to New York due to her pride and due to Mark Sloan. She had barely told him goodbye. They had been living together for several months, and she had turned a blind eye to his affairs until the stick had turned blue. And even though he had taken the news well and had been in support of having the child, Addison had scheduled the abortion. She had planned to tell him she had had a miscarriage, but when she returned home that day and met his eyes, she couldn't lie to him. A maternal instinct had kicked in upon seeing the blue stick, and she had been overwhelmed with the urge to have a child with the man she had spent the better part of her adult life with. Derek had brought up the idea of having children many times, but she had always resisted and put it off. She had never felt the urge to have children until that fateful day. And now she had no one.
She lifted the premature quintuplets carefully out of their mother's womb one by one, into the waiting arms of all five of Bailey's interns; which included Derek's intern. But it was hospital knowledge that Bailey's interns were the best. And she invited no less than the best to be on her team. Her patients were young and deserved a full life. They deserved the best.
She carefully set the final baby, Charlotte, down into the arms of Meredith Grey. Derek's intern was completely professional. She barely nodded at Addison, her attention focussed on the tiny life she held securely in her arms. She was going to make an excellent doctor, Addison thought. She had what it took.
Before closing, Addison glanced around the OR, her eyes falling on every team as they loaded their quint into the specially fitted cribs to keep them safe for transport to the NICU. Before turning back to her patients, Addison's eyes fell on her ex-husband. Even through the mask she recognized the look of happiness, love and admiration that he was directing towards his intern as she carefully worked on her quint.
It was then that Addison realized she hadn't lost the race. There hadn't ever been a race for her to lose. She had never been in the running. Derek was happy; happier than she had ever seen him. And as much as that made her sad, she lamented that maybe it was a good thing she had done what she had with Mark. Because Derek deserved to be happy. And he certainly was.
And now she had to start over. She wanted to know what it was like to be that happy.