When we arrive at Ashtons house, his mum invites us into the kitchen with her. Ash and I sit at the table in the corner whilst Mikey and Cal set up Ashtons PlayStation in the living room. I smile when he pokes my thigh under the table and I poke him back, eliciting giggles from both of us.
"What are you two giggling about?" Anne teases as she begins gathering ingredients. Harry and Lauren run through the kitchen after each other and nearly knock her right over.
"And what has gotten into you two tonight?" She asks Harry and Lauren as they pick themselves up off the floor.
"You left us with the cabbage lady!" Harry shouts, referring to who I assume is the elderly woman that left when we got here.
"Her name is Sally and she's nice, don't give her mean nicknames." Anne lectures, reminding me so much of Ashton when he has to be the one to lecture his brother and sister.
"But she really does smell like cabbage, mum!" Lauren argues.
"Yeah, and she makes us sit still and be quiet!" Harry agrees.
"Well, Ashtons friends are in the living room so go bother them until I'm done making dinner, alright?" Anne negotiates. Harry and Lauren pout but go along with it and run back out of the kitchen to antagonize Michael and Calum.
"So Luke," Anne says as she continues working on the task at hand. I see Ashton shift in his seat and I can tell he's anticipating the humiliation his mother is sure to subject him to eventually.
"Ashton tells me you're good with Harry and Lauren?" She asks, looking at me for an answer since it won't be verbal. I wonder how she feels about that. Is she not too keen on the idea of her son fancying a mute boy? How did she react when Ashton told her? How did that topic come up in conversation? I nod my head, because yeah, I'd like to think I'm pretty good with the munchkins.
"That's wonderful. You know, for the first few weeks they talked to me about you almost as much as Ashton here did. Oh, and still does."
"Mum." Ashton warns.
"C'mon, no use in trying to hide it. Anyway, one day I come home and he's telling me he did it, he did it! And I'm standing there like, did what? And he's got the biggest smile on his face telling me 'I asked him out, mum, and he said yes! I took Luke on a date!'" Anne continues, not caring one bit about how red her son is turning.
"I wasn't surprised to find out he had a crush on you, that part was obvious from the first time he spoke of you. I was surprised that he had the balls to actually ask you out, though."
"Mum!" Ashton repeats, voice rising.
"I'm kidding! Calm down. You should've seen Lauren though, she looked so mad!" Anne laughs. Ashton cracks a smile at that.
"She really did. Like, be real here. You're a little kid." He joins in.
"You stole her prince charming, Ashton!" Anne jokes. Before Ash can reply, Anne drops her colander on the floor with a clang. Without thinking I rise from my seat to grab it for her.
"Thank you Luke! Ash, could you help me with the cooking? I have a feeling this kitchen will be a mess when its over with thanks to my clumsiness."
"Actually, I was gonna grab a quick shower, if that's okay? I'm still sweaty over here." He points out. I point to myself and he smiles, knowing what I'm hinting at.
"Luke wants to help you, I think?" He asks. I nod my head to both him and Anne.
"Sure! I'd love that!" Anne says, a bright smile dancing across her cheeks, reminding me of Ashton once again.
"Alright, but be warned, Luke is even clumsier- no offense, Lukey." I shrug with a laugh, not taking offense to the comment since I know Ashton isn't trying to insult me. It still kind of upsets me, though. Clumsiness isn't exactly a desirable trait, is it?
"Oh not to worry, we got it covered. Right, Luke?" I smile at Anne's kindness and nod my head. Before Ashton exits the kitchen, I catch him wearing the fondest look on his face and it gives me butterflies.
I help Anne with the cooking which isn't too hard since it's just spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, a fairly easy meal to make. She has light conversation with me which I do my best at replying to with my limited communication skills.
"As Ashton's mum I think it's my job to embarrass him just a little bit, you know? But listen, I'm dying to know. How was the date he took you on? He said it went well but how was it for you? Was he a gentleman? If he wasn't I'll ground him for the rest of his life, I promise." I laugh and vigorously shake my head no to plead for no grounding.
"He was a gentleman then?" I nod yes, answering her question.
"Good, I raised him right. He told me about the most recent date you guys went on, he couldn't stop smiling! He's always smiling when it comes to you." I smile warmly as I stare down into the pot of spaghetti that smells delicious. My heartbeat reaches my fingertips and my knees start to feel weak again- but that could be accompanied by the fact that I still have yet to eat anything today. The food is almost done, I just have to hold on a little longer.
"It seems you're the same. I'm glad the boys found you, they needed a fourth. Michael and Calum love Ashton but third wheeling all the time couldn't have been easy. I'm happy to see my son smiling so bright again." At first Anne's words just seem normal to me and make me smile, but then I process her last word. Again? Was he not smiling before? I try to focus on plating the spaghetti instead of overthinking myself to the point of no appetite but it's hard. I've thought about the possibility of Ashton being sad or struggling and the last thing I want is for that possibility to have any truth to it.
Again. She said again. But, isn't Ashton always smiling? I've seen him cry before, so of course I know he can be sad, that's obvious. But... someone saying he's smiling again means that he had to have been not smiling for a period of time long enough to where it was noticeable.
Maybe I'll ask him about it, check up on him. Hopefully it's just nothing and I interpreted Anne's words wrong, but I know that if I don't ask it'll eat me up inside. How are you even supposed to ask about something like that? Wait, what if I ask him and he asks me the same thing? If I'm okay? He'll ask me and I'll have to lie to him because I know I'm not but he can't know that. What if he does the exact same thing as me, though? What if he's not okay and he lies and says he is because he's the same as me?
That thought rolls out of my mind. There's just no way Ashton is the same as me. I'm a lot different from him. I've ruined peoples lives- and I ruin my own body on purpose. Ashton isn't a ruiner. He brings light with him everywhere he goes and I know that because I stare right into it when it's brightest, even if it hurts. If his light ever dims, I'm sure I'll be the first to see it since I'm always surrounded by it. If it gets dim, I'll fix it somehow. I know I've broken so many things right in half without touching them but maybe if I reach out with delicate hands, I can fix something. I'll need to, I'll have to, because there's no chance I'd ever let Ashton live with a broken light. He lets me hold him so close and my hand fits perfectly in his, so that's right where they will be if there ever comes a day where the light is dimmed.
"You're really good in the kitchen, Luke, thanks for helping me out tonight!" Anne praises me. I smile as we set the plated food at the dinner table and I take my seat.
"Kids, dinners ready!" Anne calls throughout the house. Ashton enters first in a hoodie and sweats, now wearing his glasses, slightly damp hair curling all around his face. I blush at how domestic he looks and kick my feet back and forth under the table. He sits himself in the seat right next to me and Michael and Calum stumble into the kitchen next. They sit next to one another on Ashtons side and start grabbing at their food right away until Ashton stops them.
"No eating until everyone is seated, this is a family dinner!" He scolds.
"Wow, you sound just like Anne right now." Michael says. Anne snorts in her seat across the table as Harry and Lauren finally run in together. Harry sits in the seat on my other side and earns a frown out of Lauren.
"Everyone thank Luke for helping me make this food tonight!" Anne announces. Normally I'd feel sheepish with this amount of attention on me at once but I'm very comfortable with all of the people around me. I internally fond at everyone's 'thank you's' as I smile uncontrollably at the full realization of how truly comfortable I am.
After we eat I feel very full and a little sleepy as Ashton leads me up the stairs with him. Mikey and Calum are still jumping off the walls somehow, meanwhile I'm failing at holding in a yawn. Ashton pokes my cheek as I'm mid yawn and giggles at me softly.
"Think you can stay awake a bit longer, Luke?" He whispers. I slowly nod my head, not wanting to miss out on the awake part of my first ever sleepover. The very moment we step foot into Ashtons bedroom, Michael throws a pillow right at my face and declares a pillow fight with a triumphant roar. Every worry that this day has given me falls out of my head through my ear and onto the floor as I bend over to retrieve the pillow. I throw it right back at Michael with just as much force and the pillow fight commences. A carefree attitude washes over me as Ashton and I attack each other with pillows. Calum falls over behind me and I trip, landing right over him. Mikey just laughs and pushes Ashton on top of the two of us.
"I'm being squished!" Calum calls out through laughter. Michael ignores him and plops himself over Ashton so we're all a pile of limbs on the floor together.
"Oh god, get off!" Ashton yells at him, giggling under his breath.
"Your boyfriend squished my boyfriend so now I'm squishing you, Ashton! You'll never escape!" Michael yells back as he grabs at Ashtons sides to tickle him.
"You're squishing all of us! Stop, no tickling!" Ashton pleads. I blush at how he doesn't correct Michael about the boyfriend comment. He squirms on top of me as Mikey keeps tickling him anyway and I join in on the fun, reaching my fingertips out to his hip bones where his shirt has come up. He jolts under my touch and lets out a gasp.
"Betrayal! This is betrayal!" He cries.
"This is starting to hurt." Calum wheezes from under us. Michael jumps to his feet, releasing Ashton who gets up after him. Ashton hauls me up next by my waist and holds me into him. Michael helps Calum up and I think the battle has come to end, but boy am I wrong. Ashton is out for payback! I try to pull away from him but he's much stronger than I am so there's basically no use in fighting back. I giggle and shake my head, swatting my hands at him as he tickles me right in the ribs. My breathing grows erratic as my cheeks redden and I let out an upset whine through my uncontrollable giggling. Ashton laughs and ceases his attack.
"Now we're even. Your turn Michael!" He announces, letting go of me and pouncing at Mikey.
"No! Get away from me! Calum, help me!" Michael pleads as Ashton reaches him.
"Sorry babe, you're on your own." Calum says monotonously as he plops down on Ashtons bed.
"Oh my god, you suck! Ah!" Michael replies, yelping from Ashtons ticking onslaught. I smile as I watch the scene unfold and sit down next to Calum. Right now is one of those moments where I can't believe I'm a part of what's going on around me. Having friends is just so amazing, I hope things are like this for the rest of my life. I smile wider as Mikey forces Ashton away from him and declares their evenness in the tickle battle and yawns, much to our surprise.
"Awe, is someone tired?" Ashton asks in an exaggerated tone. Michael rolls his eyes at him.
"For once, yes, I am. Do you guys mind if I sack out already? Performing took it out of me."
"I don't care, I think we're all ready to go to bed." Ashton answers as I yawn yet again.
"I second that." Calum mumbles whilst slumping over.
"Mikey, can you and Calum go downstairs and ask my mum for some blankets and pillows? No sleepover is complete without a fort." Ashton suggests. Calum and Mikey perk up at his words and race downstairs at lightning speed.
"Want some of my clothes to sleep in?" He asks, opening his closet door. I jump right at the chance to wear anything belonging to Ashton and follow him over to his closet to peek inside. I spot one shirt in particular that would be the best thing to wear. A long sleeve shirt that I recognize- with thumb holes. If I wear it, the sleeves wont roll up when I'm sleeping and everything will stay hidden just as it belongs. I reach for it as Ashton grabs me a pair of sweatpants. Theres a silence between us as we stare at each other for a moment before he makes a face of realization.
"Oh! Right- sorry, I wasn't trying to like, look or something, just- uh... I'll, um, I'll let you get changed." A bashful smile overtakes me as he awkwardly stumbles over his feet and out of the room, closing the door behind him. I quickly take my clothes off and slip into Ashtons. Once in them, I feel the last of my remaining tension leave my shoulders. In Ashtons room that is him in every single way, draped in his clothes that surround me with his smell, the only thing that's missing is him, so I open his door to let him back in. He shuffles back in with a shy smile and closes the door behind him.
"Cute," He smirks, giving me an up and down.
"No-" I begin to try and disagree but he has other plans.
"Yesss, you are. Especially in my clothes, cutie."
"Stop..." I mumble, hiding my blushing face in my hands. He gently removes my hands and holds them to his chest, moving closer to me so that the tip of his nose nearly grazes my cheek.
"I'll stop when you stop being so adorable-"
"Barf! Do you two ever stop going at it? Get married or something already, geez!" Michael complains as he barges into the room. Calum hobbles in behind him with blankets and pillows piled up in his arms so high that his face isn't visible.
"Be nice, Michael." Calum instructs in a voice slightly muffled by everything he's carrying. He drops his armful onto the floor as Ashton and I break away from one another bashfully.
"I'm not being mean, Cally. So, when's the wedding Ashton?" Michael teases.
"Whenever it is, you are SO not invited!" Ashton retorts, throwing a pillow at his head. My entire body must be red right now from how hard I'm blushing. If I'm reading the room correctly, the whole wedding thing is a lighthearted joke, but it being a joke doesn't make me feel any less embarrassed! The rational part of my brain would panic at the thought of Ashton going along with the joke, but the rest of me only feeds into it. I try to blink images of a wedding out of my brain but it's hard when the potential groom in question is just so perfect. I know the chances of Ashton ever marrying me are slim to nothing, but what's the harm in daydreaming about it a little? Well, eternal disappointment, I guess.
"Whatever you say, now help me get this fort started." I sleepily shuffle from foot to foot as I watch my three friends expertly assemble a blanket fort right in front of my eyes. I've only ever been inside one when I was a kid, and it was always with my mum, so admittedly watching this one come to life excites me, as childish as it is. I crawl into the fort and feel even more warm, if that's possible. Ashton cuddles up next to me and we drape a blanket over our shoulders. I know we've been even closer than this more times than I can count, but this time around feels different. Cozier. Sleepier, too.
Calum and Michael steal some of Ashtons pajamas to change into before making their way into the fort with us. I yawn again and Ashton coos at me but Michael does the opposite.
"Boo! No falling asleep yet!" He says with a frown.
"I thought you said you wanted to go to sleep?" Ashton asks.
"I know I did but we can't yet! We're in a fort now so we have to tell scary stories!" Michael says this like it should be the most obvious thing ever, so I guess it is. I rub the sleep out of my eyes because there is no way I'm going to ruin this sleepover by falling asleep before we can tell scary stories! I sit forward, determined to, uh... be scared? Is that how this works?
"Normally I'd just flip you off and go to sleep, but it is Lukes first sleepover, so you're kind of right. We can't skip this part. Ready to be spooked?" Ashton says, looking at me to ask the last sentence. I nod my head firmly, I am so ready.
"Alright! Calum, hit the lights. I'm going first." Michael says, determination in his eyes.
"Who said you were going first?" Ashton argues as Calum crawls out of the fort and turns the light off. I snuggle closer into Ashtons side now that we're in the dark but feel a little stupid about it. I didn't even mean to, it was just a reflex. Was it the wrong thing to do- no, scratch that, Ashton totally just held my hand under our blanket! I'm in heaven right now.
"I did, I just said it like two second ago." Calum laughs at Michaels sassiness and crawls back into the fort, curling up at his boyfriends side.
"Alright, it was a dark and stormy night... wait, one sec." Michael cuts himself off and reaches for his phone in the pocket of his borrowed pajama bottoms. He opens it and swipes the screen down then presses it, turning his flash on. He faces the light upwards under his chin, shadowing his face in a way that should be creepy, but because it's Michael who's the farthest thing from scary, it's almost laughable. I hold in my giggles so I don't interrupt him as he resumes his story.
"Like I said, it was a dark stormy night... Calum and I were bored as hell, waiting around in my old stuffy attic for something interesting to happen. We had been waiting all day and had given up hope. How could anything out the the ordinary happen on such a boring old stormy night? Well, little did we know, we were in for the scare of a lifetime." Michael tells in a serious voice.
"We were?" Calum interrupts curiously.
"Yes, we were."
"When?"
"I havent gotten to that part yet, honey." Michael says in a playfully annoyed tone.
"Oh, right." Calum replies.
"Anyway, we were in for the scare of a lifetime. The rain kept coming down harder and harder. Suddenly, there was a strange noise downstairs. We weren't home alone, so we just ignored it. But a few moments later, it happened again, and again. We realized the noise was getting closer. Footsteps, up the stairs, that's the only thing it could have been, but these were no ordinary footsteps. These footsteps were labored, slow, dragging, heavy, and loud bangs of footsteps. Whoever- or whatever was coming up these steps had to be big, or stomping up them with intent! But intent of what, we were not yet aware of. We slowly backed into a corner of the attic, not sure what to do because we realized at this point that something was coming up those stairs and it couldn't be friendly. The footsteps got closer, in the hallway now, right below the attic hatch. We tried to grab something and put it over the hatch so whatever was down there couldn't get in, but we didn't make it in time. Everything around us was too heavy to lift or not heavy enough to keep it out. We clung to each other, scared for our lives as we watched the ladder get pulled down. The thing clamped its long, slimy, claw-like fingers around the top of the hatch, not needing to do much climbing to reach. We trembled, waiting in anticipation for the thing to pounce. At a painfully slow speed, it inched its way up into the attic. Its face was hidden behind a mop of long, greasy hair but what we saw below its head was the worst of all. Brace yourselves, because what I'm about to describe to you may be shocking." I feel Ashton squeeze my hand as Michael leans closer to us, never breaking character.
"In the most terrifying, gut wrenching, blood curdling shade of a color, it you can even call it that! Over its stretched skin the thing wore the most in-humane, disgusting and truly revolting... PURPLE SHIRT!"
"AHHH!" Calum shrieks, falling over onto his back dramatically. I clap a hand over my mouth, realizing that Michael was describing Ashton the entire time.
"Oh, god damnit Michael!" Ashton tears out of our blanket huddle as I double over in laughter with Calum. He maneuvers Michael into a headlock and gives him a noogie, shouting at him the whole time.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry! Have mercy!" Michael pleads.
"No more scary stories, I'm going to bed." Ashton says, dropping Mikey backwards.
"Boring!" Michael complains, rubbing the top of his head. Calum stretches his arms and gets under one of the blankets next to Michael.
"I'm with Ash, I'm all scary storied out. Its bed time." He says, curling up once more.
"Bed time it is, then." Michael agrees, pulling Calums blanket over himself so they can share it. I open Ashton and I's blanket up so he can get back in and he does so with a smile. We lay down next to one another and my body shivers with excitement as Ashton snakes an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. The feeling of his breath hot on my neck drives me crazy but calms me at the same time. My sleepiness takes over, allowing me to nestle right into Ashtons touch without a care. I memorize the pretty smile on his face before my eyes flutter shut. Right before I drift away, complete comfort envelops me and my lips part without my knowledge. The last noise I hear sounds a lot like my own voice...
"Goodnight, guys..."
When I wake up, the calm I remember having has disappeared and is replaced with panic. I know I'm not in my own bed so where am I? Who's touching me? How did I get here- oh, right. It's just Ashton who's holding me. I know I'm laying on his bedroom floor under the fort and I'm safe and sound, but my panic doesn't just go away. My stomach turns and I grow more uncomfortable by the second so I carefully shift out of Ashtons arms, even though they're where I want to be most. I just can't stay still, I have to do something... I have to get up, I don't know. I have to get out of here for a second.
I tip toe out of Ashtons room and into the hallway of the house I know so well. I go to the bathroom as quietly as I can and shut the door behind me. I slide down onto the freezing cold tile floor and take a few deep breaths in. All of my unresolved worries from the day come right back and being away from home makes it much harder to relieve myself the way I normally would if I was in my own bathroom... well, maybe if I found something to.. no, no- that's unthinkable. There's no way I'm going to do that here. It's just inappropriate, I can't. I rock back and forth for a minute to soothe myself and try to ignore the itch to bleed. It works until I hear footsteps. Memories of Michaels ridiculous scary story come to mind and the irony of my situation is almost laughable. I hold my breath and try to be as quiet as possible but whoever's awake is coming for the bathroom so theres nothing I can do but hide- but there's no time. I push myself backwards against the tub as the door opens and reveals...
Ashton. With the trail of moonlight shining through the window onto his face, he's not anything like the monster Michael described him to be. He's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. But I already knew that, of course. I let out a sigh of relief at his soft features and jump in surprise when I feel a tear escape my eye and fall down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away, but it's already been seen.
"Luke?" Ashton whispers, crouching down next to me.
"Are you alright?" I rub my eyes and blink through the burning that aches to stream out again. I peek up at him hesitantly and when I see the eyes that I get lost in, the cheeks where dimples say hi so often, and the lips that whisper kind words only I can hear, I almost tell the truth. I almost say no. I almost say no and ruin again, ruin everything. But I catch myself because I can't say no. Saying no means saying why and saying why isn't an option. I can't tell him why, I can't tell anyone why. But if I can't, fuck, why do I want to so bad?
"I-I'm okay." I croak out. My voice is as quiet as ever, but in the sleeping silence of the night it pierces my ears and makes me flinch. Ashton gently sits right beside me and pulls me into him.
"Are you sure? It's okay... if you're not." He assures me. But it's not. It's not okay if I'm not okay because the way in which I'm not is absolutely awful. I'm awful. I'm awful and Ash doesn't even know because I won't tell him. I sit here and I lie to him about it. I make him think I'm just peachy and it's a complete facade. I'm a liar, Ashton.
"I'm..." I'm a liar.
"...sure." A fucking liar. Ashton looks like he doesn't believe a word I'm saying and he's right not to. Part of me screams in my head, begging him to call me out for it and tell me he knows I'm lying so that I have to tell him everything but I shut it away like always. I can't, no matter how badly I want to.
"Do you... earlier today, before the gig. You had an attack. I just wanted to ask, do you get them often?" I'm taken aback by the sudden question and unsure of what to say.
"Often?" I whisper, wondering out loud.
"Panic attacks, I mean? You don't need to talk about it. I just needed to ask..." Panic attacks. Of course. Right, of course I had a panic attack. I don't know why, but it seems like whenever I have them I dont even realize what it was for a while. Of course I had to have another panic attack in front of him. All over nothing! It's always over nothing, fucking nothing! Why do I keep doing this? I'm ruining what we have by being a freak, I'm-
"Luke? Hey, it's okay. I didn't- um, don't cry. It's okay." I wipe my cheeks again, fighting away tears that come on without my permission.
"I won't bring it up, I'm sorry-"
"N-no." I stutter out.
"It's not you, I'm just... a little overwhelmed, that's all. I'm fine. I only get them... sometimes." I lie. Ashton gently pets my hair, holding my head to his chest.
"I'm here for you. If you ever feel sad, overwhelmed, like you're going to have one, I'm here, you know? You can tell me. You can tell me anything." I hear Ashtons words but when I try to grasp them, they slip right through my fingers.
I can tell you anything Ash, I'm capable of doing it. But it doesn't mean I will. My actions will come with consequences.
We sit together in silence on the cold tile for a little while longer as Ashton comforts me until my tears are gone and my breathing is slow. In the same silence we retreat back to his bedroom and into the fort. Under the covers he holds me tight and even though things really aren't okay, they feel a little bit better. And the itch, as strong as it was, has somehow disappeared.
But it will be back.