Raising a baby was not something I was planning to do in my life, and least when this one was my own cousin.
If it wasn't because my uncle asked me for this favor with tears in his eyes and kneeling, I wouldn't have ever accepted it.
Because yes. I agreed to raise Su-jin.
For how long? I don't know. My uncle didn't tell me until when I would be having this important task.
Do I care? Not really.
Am I worried? Surprisingly not.
I had never been in charge of a baby, but here I am, learning every day how to hold a newborn properly.
"Hyunjin..."
"Mmh?"
"Hyunjin..."
"Yes, Chan hyung?"
My friend, who came over for the ninth time this week, said, "look at me..."
He had been trying to have a conversation with me, but I hadn't given him the attention he wanted. I have my eyes set on my little cousin, the one that is resting peacefully in my arms.
"What, hyung?" I inquired. I finally spared him some attention as I saw Su-jin cutely yawning and closing his eyes. He was so sleepy.
With a cold expression, Chan hyung blurted out in my face, "you must be kidding me, man..."
"..."
Chan hyung pinched the bridge of his nose as if he was really done with me, "come again... Why did you accept this?!"
"Huh?"
"This!!!" He said hysterically while pointing at Su-jin and all the products of babies that are scattered around my room.
"Ah...you mean- Oh...well...I already told you, hyung. It's because my uncle asked me for a favor..."
"A favor?! A favor is to lend five won to someone or pick them up when they need to arrive on time somewhere else. Raising someone else's son can't be considered a mere favor!"
I sighed. I was really tired.
For the past few days, this conversation hasn't seemed to come to an end. My friend has been asking me the same, but I don't know what else to tell him.
I think I was pretty clear while telling him all the things I witnessed that time the Hwang family reunited to discuss the matter in regards to Jinsu and Su-jin, but he is more worried about me raising a baby.
What's so weird about it?
"Hyung...a favor is a favor... It doesn't matter what it is implied, you know...?"
"Hyunjin...why are you so relaxed about this?! I mean...you have zero experience on this, buddy...you could have said no and suggested to your uncle to ask your mom to take care of Su-jin instead...that would be more reasonable-"
I scrunched my nose when I heard the last suggestion. Just the idea seemed absurd to me.
"Why would I do such a terrific thing to Su-jin?"
Chan hyung stopped in his tracks. He seemed to feel guilty for saying that now that the suggestion was in the air.
I retook the conversation. "Besides, I already accepted, hyung. Believe me, Su-jin will be better with me than with any other member of the family like my uncle said. I can do this task."
"But-"
"I mean...look at me..." I said while placing Su-jin on the bed as I patted his tummy for comfort. "Do you see this? He is now asleep. I'm doing well. It's been a week already, and I am doing fine in almost everything in regard to this baby. My uncle had been sending me Jinsu's personal doctor one hour per day to instruct me in the care of Su-jin, and I'm learning pretty fast. The doctor also told me that if I ever get in trouble with Su-jin or I just want to rest, she could take him some nights on my behalf. Uncle is aware of that. So, everything is fine... Stop overthinking this, hyung..."
Chan hyung shook his head. I could see on his face that he was not convinced with what I just shared with him. And I was in the truth. He didn't stop his argument and tried to make me see reason. "Let's see...it's the first week, and you are doing well, right? Currently, you have plenty of time because you have vacations right now. But what about this Monday, huh? You will be returning to your work, right? What are you going to do then?"
I hummed as that detail hit me. But I also had a response to those inquiries. "Didn't I mention this, hyung? Uncle will help me with the work and will set a new schedule for me. It's a business family after all, and he is the major investor. Jinsu's father is practically my direct boss. If I need to take an absence there won't be a problem..."
"Oh, yeah? Then...what about your personal life?"
I shrugged, "I take care of Kkami, and I still keep a personal life, right? What's the difference between raising a dog and raising a baby?"
"A WHOLE FUCKING WORLD, HYUNJIN?!!!" Chan hyung came to me and spanked my back, "I am worried to death about you. You are scaring me. You seriously have no idea where you got tangled, dude..."
"Ouch! You are exaggerating, hyung! I am just taking care of my little cousin. What's so weird about it?"
"Hyunjin, you are not only taking care of your cousin...you a RAISING A BABY. You literally are becoming his own father. If that child grows up in your care, he will believe you are his dad. Why can you not see the big picture here?! Why are you suddenly unbothered?"
"I- Tsk! Yah! hyung!" I groaned when Su-jin started to cry thanks to the loud voice of my friend. "Could you lower your voice, please?" I said while taking Su-jin in my arms carefully once again. "It took me two hours to make him sleep..."
"Jesus Christ, Hyunjin! You even sound like his dad now!"
I rolled my eyes, "whatever. Please, just lower your voice or go somewhere else. I need to make him sleep again..."
"You-" Chan hyung pointed at me with narrowed eyes, but softened his expression right after when his eyes landed on the crying baby. He sighed defeatedly, "fine. I'll be waiting for you in the living room. We need to keep talking about this until you understand..."
"Yeah...yeah- ah, hyung." I called him out before he exited my room.
"Now what?"
"Take Kkami with you, please..."
"Huh? Why?"
"Kkami likes Su-jin way too much, and if he hears the baby cry, he will want to lick him on the face..."
Chan hyung clicked his tongue but didn't comment anything. Thankfully, he took Kkami with him without me begging for it.
When he closed the door, and I was now alone with Su-jin, I started to rock him in my arms and talked to him in a babyish tone so he could go back to sleep.
I know I might seem way too relaxed about this affair to Chan hyung and honestly to everyone that knows the story behind it, but what am I supposed to do?
I already accepted, and I need to keep my word to my uncle. I cannot just go against my word. I am not that type of person.
I understand the point of view of my friend, but he doesn't understand my point of view.
My family is so scary and lacks love in a lot of ways.
Jinsu is not here to take care of her little brother, and she is the only one I trust that could raise him. If she is not here to protect her little brother, then Su-jin can count on me.
The way Jinsu and I were raised was lonely. We learned to take care of our own at such a young age.
Her parents were always away while my parents used to argue a lot and in the end separated because of cheating, fights, lies, etc.
I was raised by a mother that got a harsh attitude towards me, making sure I didn't resemble anything of my own father and making me work my ass off just to please her.
Jinsu and I are the only ones that didn't agree with how this family managed their way of raising people.
We were totally against it.
I seriously don't know what happened to Jinsu, and I am dying to contact her and have a serious talk with her, but until that time comes, I will take care of her little brother as if I was his own brother.
I won't let Su-jin go through the same harsh things Jinsu and I went through in this family. I will raise him with love just like I would have liked to be raised.
~~~
Chan hyung had no other option than to accept my decision after I explained my point of view at least three more times that day. And even though he was against it for the next couple of days and weeks, saying that my uncle and auntie should do something about it, blah, blah, blah, he also got attached to Su-jin in the process.
He often came to my apartment to ask me if I needed his help, and when I got distracted taking care of Kkami, he was all over Su-jin, babbling nonsense and playing with his little feet and hands.
I don't blame him for falling for Su-jin. Su-jin is that type of baby that even if you say you don't like kids, he makes you eat your own words.
Su-jin has a special aura that makes you love him yes or yes. I could say he has the same aura of Jinsu. She is just like him. A sweet soul that brightens yours just by being around.
I was so impressed by the power this baby held. He even made my mother come to my place to see him and rock him sometimes.
I didn't like that she came to my apartment as much as I wish, but since I saw she was nice to Su-jin I let her be here the hours she wanted.
As long as she didn't come to nag me or be harsh with me, I was okay. If that was the case, she could hold Su-jin as much as she wanted.
During all the process of me having Su-jin in my care, Jinsu's father called me almost every day to check on us.
The first time, I asked him if he knew anything about Jinsu, but when I sensed his mood was becoming gloomy, I immediately changed the topic and tried no to dig in the matter ever again and just wait for Jinsu to contact me by herself.
My uncle never left me alone with Su-jin even though he was not in the country. He often told me that no matter what I could always contact him, and he would be responding to me no matter if he was busy.
The only person that didn't contact me to see and know anything about Su-jin was his own mother.
My auntie didn't move a finger to know anything about her baby ever since the first time I brought him home. It was as if Su-jin was just a mere object that was thrown out of her womb and soon was forgotten by the same creator.
That enraged me.
It pissed me off her attitude and lack of humanity towards her own blood.
Who has a baby and just forgets about him like it was nothing? Who on this earth gives birth to someone and acts like this? What type of woman is my aunt to be like this?
I honestly pitied my little cousin for having a mother like her.
But I pitied my aunt even more.
I mean, she was missing all those beautiful moments every mother experiments with their babies.
Those sleepless nights, rocking them in their arms until they fall into a slumber. The sweet and natural smell they have in their skins and those unconscious kisses they throw while sleeping.
That precious stare they shot you as if you were a big start in the sky and that deathly grip they give to your finger, not wanting to let you go.
Or that sweet and innocent giggled they have when sleeping as if they were dreaming with cute things.
The kicks they do when you try to change them on their clean clothes.
All those priceless moments will never come back. They are one in a lifespan, and my aunt and uncle are missing them.
This is going to be her loss, and one day she is going to regret it.
I hope she regrets it.
~~~
Having a baby turned my life upside down. I am not going to lie about it.
Some things changed for the better and others for not so better.
Work for me was not the same anymore. I had to stand all those stares from the other co-workers every time I took Su-jin with me.
My uncle gave me a private office where all the care a baby needs was included.
I personally asked him this because I didn't want anyone else to take care of my cousin if it was not me.
Fortunately, I convinced my uncle of this. He never told me 'no,' and that is something I am so grateful to him.
Sometimes I even felt I was at home when I was in that office.
Instead of working, I took lots of breaks to check up on Su-jin, and even I had less work thanks to my uncle, something that everyone in the company hated.
Half of the staff hated me when I arrived with Su-jin tangled in my chest.
Most of them thought I was a single father and that my uncle was taking so many considerations with me.
I never told them that Su-jin was my cousin. Uncle told me just to ignore them and not say anything that was between him and I, so I remained silent, and when they asked me about my son, I just smiled and kept walking.
Hahaha, it was so weird to act like this!
I mean, I've been in love with the same guy for years now!!!
How is it possible that I suddenly turn into a father?!!
Another thing that changed was the walks in the streets and stores.
Every woman or couple awed at me every time they saw me holding Su-jin in my arms.
Some of them even giggled or whined.
I don't know what their minds were imagining, but whatever it was was so wrong.
I just hope that cute guy doesn't ever see me carrying a baby in my arms. He will believe I am not single!!
Aaahhh~~ I swear Su-jin is my cousin~~ I am not his dad~~ I am still single!!!
I didn't hang out as much as I used to. I stayed at home.
I painted if I had the time and my camera and laptop were now full of pictures of Su-jin and me instead of the landscapes I liked to snap.
Kkami was my most helpful partner.
When I wanted to take a shower, I told him to keep an eye on Su-jin, and he surprisingly did it. He was so obedient.
Kkami was never jealous of my little cousin. On the contrary, since the first time I brought Su-jin to my apartment, and this one smelled him, my dog started to wiggle his tail and bark in content.
I had never seen him like that. He acted so weird, but in a good sense.
Since that day, Kkami has always wanted to be and even sleep next to Su-jin.
And I don't blame him either. Su-jin is so cute and well-behaved that not even I want to be separated from him.
My attachment to Su-jin developed quite fast. I got notice of this when the doctor came and took him away for more hours than we agreed.
Sometimes she has to take him to her clinic to do the regular checkups.
Some of these checkups last between two to three hours. Sometimes more because she wants to spend time with Su-jin. That's what she always tells me when she lasts more than what she told me she would.
During those hours, I feel so lost in the apartment.
I feel empty, and I am not the only one feeling that way.
Kkami and I walked from one end to the other with a very grumpy expression.
We keep all moody until the front door is open and we see that the doctor has come to return us Su-jin once again.
Only until then is when Kkami and I's expressions change.
We are so happy to have Su-jin once again in our home.
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