Lizzie POV
I haven't moved. I don't know what I would do if I did. I feel ice cold as my mind races. I fucked up...again. I'm trying to not get back into the mindset that I don't deserve her, I don't want to go in circles. I want to be better for her, I promised I would be. Fuck.
The only thing I can think of to fix it is to take a step back from filming, but I can't. It's my career and it's everything I want. But I want her too.
I want her to be happy more though.
I can't shake the feeling that she would be happier without me. She wouldn't have to hide, or think about everything she does possibly ruining my career. She doesn't have to think about how I meddled in her career and feel bad about herself.
We're in a cycle where Y/N thinks she's a burden or distraction and I chose my career over her and I don't see a way out that I'm willing to take.
We can stay together and try to get past it. I can try to be less selfish. No matter how much I love her though, I know I won't give up what I've worked so hard for.
Is it possible to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with, but the timing isn't right? Has the timing ever been right with all of our bullshit?
I promised I wouldn't hurt her again, but it feels like whatever I do I will.
It's been a few hours and she hasn't come home. I have no fucking clue where she is and it's scaring me. It's late.
I continue to wait when I realize her phone is on the couch.
I'm so sure she's the one, but everything seems just so complicated and messy.
Rhonda is pissing me off too. She didn't help anything and apparently she made Y/N mad today. We didn't get the chance to talk about that.
After another hour of waiting the door opens and I stand up quickly, my heart in my throat.
"Wanna get high?" She asks and it takes me by surprise.
"Um...what?" I ask and she shrugs.
"I don't want to talk about it." She mumbles as she walks past me, finding her tin and walking back out to go to the roof.
I follow tentatively, unsure what she's feeling. She's always so patient with me while I'm always hesitant. Nothing fucking changes. I take a deep breath and decide to be the patient one, and wait until she wants to talk about it. I follow her without thinking twice about it. I don't have to hesitate. Just go be with her Lizzie.
I sit down next to her as she lights the joint, the red glow making her eyes sparkle.
"You don't want to ever say goodbye to me." She mumbles after taking a drag and I nod softly. "You told me that when we first became friends." She reminds me.
"It's still true." I assure her. She nods slowly and looks away, her gaze settled on the skyline uptown.
"I went to your sisters. Then to Pam's." She explains. "I um. I'm still unsure of what to even say to you." She whispers and wipes at her cheeks. "I'm not happy Lizzie." She chokes out and I go to comfort her but she stands up to walk in circles, taking a drag every few minutes as I watch.
I don't know what to fucking say. Nothing that I come up with seems like enough. What can I say? I'm sorry? What good is that going to do?
"Do you...do you have feelings for someone else?" She asks out of left field and I frown in confusion.
"No. Y/N, what are you talking about?" I ask.
"Nothing I guess." She decides. "We suck at communicating." She states and I nod. "And facing the hard things." She adds on.
"Yeah...Y/N, you mentioned that Rhonda made you mad?" I bring up and she scoffs.
"She told me that I can't visit you on set anymore." She shares and I clench my jaw in anger. "I wish we could see the stars." She changes the subject and I sigh.
"What did you say to her?" I ask.
"I told her that I hope to never see her again." She shrugs.
"That's it?" I ask.
"I called her out for texting me to come today to see the scene between you and Boyd. Probably to bait me into starting shit to then ban me from the set. She's not slick." She explains and I frown.
"Y/N, there's nothing going on with us, it's all-" I start but she finishes the sentence for me.
"All acting yeah I know. Doesn't matter if it looks real right?" She spits out and kicks at the leaves on the roof.
"You think I wanted to kiss him? That I enjoyed it?" I ask and she shrugs.
"Be easier that way right? I could hate you for something you deserve to be hated for. Not for some messy bullshit I still don't know how to feel about." She rambles and I sigh.
"Do you? Hate me?" I ask.
"No, idiot. I fucking love you." She spit out and it makes me laugh. She gives me a weird look and I realize she's higher than a fucking kite already.
"Sorry um. What did you and Ash talk about?" I continue, wanting to hear her talk. Her voice always makes me feel better.
"If I should dump you or not." She deadpans and my breath leaves my lungs.
"Oh." I state simply and frown at the thought. My sister talked to her about that?
"Well. Not really. But she told me to take care of myself. And made me admit I'm unhappy." She amends and I nod. Okay that sounds more like Ashley. "Anyway, I gotta go to bed. I have work in the morning. Oh sorry, wait. I have a charity case to fulfill." She decides and leaves me on the roof without a look in my direction.
She's hurting, obviously. And trying to figure out what she's feeling. I can't blame her for her behavior, It's my fault she's feeling like this. I rub my hands over my face and sigh loudly before heading back downstairs. I frown when I see her face first on the couch, already snoring quietly.
I battle with whether I should move her to the bed or not, my fingers fiddling with my sunflower necklace. I grab a blanket and cover her carefully before leaving a soft kiss on her shoulder. I get ready for bed, staring at my reflection as I think over my choices.
I hate it, I hate the thought of it, but all I can think about is how unhappy I've made her and how maybe she is better off without me for real this time.
I find my phone and sigh at the angry text message from Pam.
Pam: You're a bitch.
Pam: But thanks for getting me a job...bitch
Me: Are you mad at me?
Pam: For getting me a job? No. For hurting my best friend. Yes.
Me: What do I do?
Pam: I don't know. All I know is she's in self destruct mode and I don't know how to help her.
Me: Fuck
Pam: Fix it.
Me: How?
Pam: You know her best, figure it out.
Me: I appreciate the tough love, Y/N is lucky to have you as her best friend.
Pam: You are correct. Now go to bed its 1 in the fucking morning.
I set my phone down and roll around in bed trying to get comfortable. I grumble and punch at the mattress on either side of me, kicking my heels when I can't fucking find a comfortable position.
I know exactly my issue. She's not here. I press my palms into my eyes and try to get my brain to shut up. I have to work tomorrow, I need sleep.
Is she going to resent me forever? Will she be able to forgive me this time? I made her feel inferior and incapable. I made her feel like I didn't think she was good enough. I hurt her. Do I even deserve her forgiveness?
I don't know how, but eventually my swirling thoughts stop and my mind rests. I'm not sure for how long but I know it wasn't enough.
When I walk out into the kitchen, she isn't anywhere to be found. It's the first time I haven't spent my morning with her in a long time and it makes my heart hurt.
The entire day, my thoughts are everywhere but on set. Thankfully, it's more funeral scenes so I can cry and not be judged. When I get home she isn't there but I notice a note on the fridge.
On a run
That's good. Running is good.
I decide to make dinner and set out her plate, ready to be microwaved for when she gets back. I sit on the couch and eat my food alone, Gone With the Wind on the screen to hopefully make me feel better. It doesn't.
When the door opens I look over quickly but shrink when she doesn't even look at me. She heads straight to the shower and I go back to watching the TV while my mind is far away.
She comes back out in a towel and shits awkwardly on her feet. "Um. I." She stutters and I stand.
"What is it? Are you okay?" I ask and tilt my head in confusion when a blush forms on her cheeks.
"I...I need um. I need you." She gets out, swallowing harshly.
"I don't know what you mean." I admit as she avoids my gaze.
"Please can we just...forget we are messed up and just...be together?" She asks and I frown, not wanting to forget about everything that's gone wrong. I don't want to repeat that pattern. "Just for tonight." she whispers and her eyes finally find mine.
I see the want in them as soon as they lock onto mine and realize what she's talking about. I don't think it's a great idea, but I miss her. I want to feel her love and give her comfort.
"Okay." I whisper against my better judgment and let her reach out to grab my wrist, pulling me into our bedroom. I notice her hands shaking when she lets go and frown at how nervous she is. "Hey...it's me." I remind her and she nods, stepping slightly closer.
I reach up and rest my palm to her cheek, lightly brushing my thumb along her cheekbone. Her eyes flutter closed as she leans into the touch. I slide my other hand onto her hip, only covered by the towel and lean closer to carefully pull her into a kiss. Her lips tremble between mine and I pull back. Maybe this isn't a good idea.
"No please...don't leave." she requests. So I stay.
I step back to take off my sweatshirt and sweatpants, her eyes on my body when I reach forward to guide the towel away from hers.
"Let me." I whisper as I slide my arms around her hips, my palms laid flat against her bare back, our lips ghosting together. She nods and gives me control, wrapping her arms around my neck to kiss me gently.
I guide her to our bed, laying her down carefully as our lips dance together tenderly, afraid to push too far but not wanting to stop. I pull away only to explore her body with my lips, traveling lower and lower until I'm between her legs, ready to make her see stars.
My name falls from her lips every time I push her over the edge, until we are both too tired to continue, chests heaving as we lay next to each other. We stare up at the ceiling as our bodies calm down in silence.
"I love you so much it hurts." She whispers.
"I love you too...I don't want to hurt you anymore." I reply sincerely and she sighs. She doesn't say anything but slowly rolls to cuddle into my side, her hot breath on my neck slowly evening out as she falls asleep.
I don't know what our future holds anymore. But I do know I will do whatever it takes to make sure she finds her happiness. Even if it's without me.
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A/N I finished this book and I just want to keep posting. But! I'm going to save some chapters for tomorrow so I can start writing the next book. I think this will be a trilogy so don't be sad! Let me know what you think and goodnight.