My head ached. It was like a sharp pain in my temples that forced me to wake up. But as soon as I did, I realised the rest of my body felt dreadful too. There was a dryness in my mouth but the way my stomach ached meant I knew when I drank water, I would not hold it down. More than that I could barely remember the night before. I did recall drinking in here alone, then going downstairs to find more alcohol. The rest was either a blur or complete blackness. I groaned as I forced myself to sit up and open my eyes, internally cursing at the brightness. Knowing at the time that I would feel this shit in the morning wouldn't have changed what I did, but the consequences were still a bitch. All the stuff I'd used to cope with for months made me feel shittier than I did before now. I'd been so careful to start coping better, and whilst I still wasn't in a good place it was better than this. The overwhelming dread I felt at being rock-bottom again hit me like a truck. That was when I noticed the chair beside my bed and jumped slightly at his presence. Loki always looked beautiful; it was kind of unfair how little he had to try to be so perfect. But right now, he looked... in pain. In fact, he looked run down and exhausted. Even if I couldn't remember most of last night, I did remember before then.
Him in my room before I left for my mission, uncharacteristically open about his insecurity and worry. I told him I'd reach out but I became so lost in myself and my own feelings that I couldn't bring myself too. Then I pushed him away when he came to check on me. Instead of confiding him I resorted to sabotaging myself again. I didn't understand why I did it, nor did I feel at all in control of my actions.
"Morning." I croaked out, completely unsure what to even say to him. I dreaded to think what he thought and what else I could have done. In silence I felt his seiðr flow to me as he began to heal me. It was more than I deserved but I relaxed into it as my head got clearer and I didn't hurt so much. Before I knew it a tea was on my bed stand as well. Offering a small smile I didn't feel, I reached out for it as I thanked him. I noticed I was in the green jumper that smelt like lavender, like his hair. As I stretched, I noticed my arms stung and hid the automatic wince. Instantly, I became paranoid. I didn't know how healing worked, but from his calmness I doubted he could have found out about that. I tried to make some conversation but he stayed in silence, gaze lost in the distance. He was hurting and it killed me to know I had to be the cause. That I was hurting him. "Loki, I–"
"Go have a shower and get dressed first, ástin mín. We can talk after."
This was far scarier than his anger. His calmness and distance were far more haunting. Still, I had no room to disagree with him on this so I just did it. Went and showered before summoning a change of clothes. As the hot water glided over my skin, causing more pain in my arms, parts of the night came back to me. Dancing and enjoying the buzz, ignoring his calls for me to stop. God, all I wanted was for him to care but when he did I automatically pushed him away. Then I danced with Alex, who I hadn't even wanted to be near after he tried to kiss me again in the hotel. I really managed to fuck it all up. Likely gave hope to Alex that he really didn't need to have either. I doubted he would still be my friend after I had another conversation about it going nowhere with him. I'd dressed in some comfy sweats and wrapped my hair in a towel when I finally remembered drinking from his gauntlet. Shyly, I walked into my bedroom and noticed that the chair was gone and Loki sat on my bed. He'd changed clothes, wearing a pair of black jogging bottoms and a dark green shirt. It was surprising to see him in human clothes, yet alone somehow freshly cleaned up.
"Come." He ordered, beckoning me over. Still hesitant, I shuffled over to him and rested between his legs. With a sigh, he pulled off the towel from my head and began running his hands through my hair. We stayed like that for a while, him drying my hair with his seiðr and even fiddling with a small section after it was dried.
Eventually, he broke the silence.
"How much do you remember?" His voice was steady and lacked emotion, which heightened my anxiety more. Still, he played with my hair and made sure I was settled against him.
"Until I drank your drink. I remember it being sweet so I'm guessing it was mead. It's completely blank after that. I'm really sorry, Loki. I–" He hushed me and we began to sit in silence for a moment more as he finished playing with my hair. Whatever he did, he bound my hair with a sort of spell and then a braid of my hair fell down to my left.
"I'm going to show you what happened last night and then we are going to talk. No running or hiding this time either. We are going to do what we should have done weeks ago." I guess we had this coming eventually.
"Do you really have to show me? I get it, I was wasted. I shouldn't have been. I already regret it." I muttered, moving slightly to try to expel my anxiety. His arms came firmly around my waist and he pulled me as close to his body as he could. Idly one of his hands began stroking up my forearm in what was meant to be a comforting way but put me on edge even more.
"Yes, I do, Kaya. I want everything out of the table today and to do that I need to show you everything." There wasn't any more conversation about it and he really wasn't leaving me any room to say no. I really wasn't going to be able to ignore it this time, and it was completely uncomfortable.
So instead, I had to watch as an illusion of us appeared, finally made to face everything. I cringed away as I listened to my drunken-self try to seduce him as he tried to help me get ready for bed. We talked about how I danced with Alex and I was surprised when I admitted that all I wanted was him. It was somewhat incredible how honest I was despite my state. Then I saw what was about to happen so clearly and I completely froze.
"Kaya..." Loki whispered in my ear as I started to panic. It was as if I watched everything in slow motion. The way he steadied me on my feet after he pulled me up.
"No. Please." I whispered as I saw him grab the bottom of my dress. He didn't let me go as I went to move, trying to calm me as he held me tight. The illusion faded away once what he wanted to show me finished. We sat in silence and I became almost numb. I had no idea what to do or how to fix this.
"Before you try to hide it, I've already seen how they got there. I looked at your memories last night." He seemed worried, like he expected me to be angry at that. I couldn't be. Maybe I should have been a little pissed, but if I saw what he did and didn't know what it was I would have done the same. With everything out in the open, and with nowhere to hide, I was surprised that a sense of relief washed over me. It was the first time I didn't have to keep something from someone. After so much worry about how to tell him, it was just laid out for me.
With a deep breath, I forced my body to relax before gently moving out of his arms. There was a small bit of resistance from him, but once he realised I wasn't running away he relaxed too. I sat with my legs crossed on the bed, my eyes firmly on the sheets of my bed by my feet.
"I was going to tell you. After the Mind Crown and remembering Bucky... I'd planned to tell you about this and everything else. When you said we would figure it out together I truly believed in it, Loki." Without thinking I began fiddling with the sleeve of my jumper, a nervous habit I needed to break. He refused to let me hide behind such things, bringing his hands over mine and centring me without realising he was. "Then I woke up in Tony's lab with a knife in my hands and we haven't really had a moment's peace since then. There were moments but it never felt right once Thor said you were leaving. Also, like twenty different stressful things have happened since, like some sick fuck just decided to personally fuck me over." He let out a small, deep chuckle whilst drawing random patterns on the back of my hand with his thumb. Then after a moment of silence he asked,
"When did it start, elskan?" I shrugged in response because the truth was that I had no idea when it started.
"I'm guessing at some point with Hydra. It was never in any memories of my time with Bucky so perhaps it was after he left. But I truly don't know. Honestly, it's like it's always been there, looming over me."
"And after Hydra?" I found myself staring off in the distance, my vision blurring at a spot on the wall as I remembered the earlier days when it was particularly rough.
"There was a rush of memories in the first three months I was here. That June was... particularly hard. As time went on it was like everything about it changed. It stopped being about needing to stop the pain and more like... I had to do it. Like I was addicted almost. Still, I knew I couldn't tell anyone. Even without research, part of me knew how it would be viewed, that I had to keep it hidden otherwise they'd believe I was even more of a liability." His hand reached out to my cheek, snapping me out of the gaze I held with my wall. I hadn't noticed tears had fallen until he wiped them away. "But I knew I had to stop. Even with faster healing it was causing me not to perform as well... and I knew it wasn't good for me. Before last night it had been months since I last did it." He nodded as if he has suspected a similar timeframe.
"I remember how you were when we returned from Asgard in February. You spiralled hard and began drinking your life away." I couldn't help but feel like that felt like a lifetime ago now. So much had changed, and yet so little was different.
"Right." He exclaimed a little louder, moving his hands away from mine and moving off of the bed. "You are going to tell Stark about this so he can get you some help from some Midgardians who understand it a little better." My eyes widened and panic flooded me again.
"No, Loki, they can't know! They'll start treating me like I'm fragile and can't go on missions and–"
"Darling, breathe. No one here is ever going to consider you fragile, especially with how much power you have. They'd be fools to try and keep you out forever, your shielding alone is invaluable to them. Admitting to a weakness doesn't mean your strengths are forgotten." He offered a hand out to me, and with a smile I took it. His hand didn't leave my body when I stood, instead he ran it up my arm slightly before moving it to my waist. I shivered slightly at the contact as I leant into him.
"Easy for you to say when you have no weakness." I teased him. It wasn't completely untrue. He'd gotten a steady grip on his emotions now and was improving all the time. I doubt anything could stop him in a fight now, as long as he kept his cool and didn't allow a fighter to get too close to him.
"You of all people should know that I have a weakness. It's not exactly hidden." He muttered as he brought his lips to my temple. I rolled my eyes at him with a small laugh.
"You've gotten a grip on your anger and insecurity, Loki. I would hardly call it your weakness." With a small chuckle, he pulled his arms around me and held me for a brief moment, whispering something under his breath in Asgardian before standing back with an open hand. With a deep breath, I took it. "Okay, let's do this."