Over the following two weeks, I keep myself busy with training. At first I am cold with Johanna, but then she spends a half hour helping me until I can assemble a rifle on my own, so I decide I have no energy to resent the people on my side. I don't throw my whole self into preparation like Katniss does, but before too long, I'm ahead of Johanna. The three of us are moved into another class that the soldiers call the Block, where they've built a Capitol city block and we practice under realistic conditions. Caspian is pale and shaking after his first session, and I know it's because sneaking around the Capitol brings up almost ten years worth of bad memories. I have never been on the streets of the Capitol, so I keep better focus, and I have to admit, between the snipers and mines and orders, it is an effective simulation. For the first time, I think seriously about going to the Capitol, because I might be ready.
Others must be thinking the same thing, because cameras start showing up. They took a few shots of me at the wedding and even a couple with Peeta, but now they film me as I throw knives and shoot guns. I don't ask to look at the footage. When Peeta starts showing up for training, Soldier York unofficially makes me his guide, and it becomes my responsibility to catch him up on training and make sure he doesn't go mad. I see the officials watching us and I wish they would tell me what they're planning, so that I can figure out how best to protect Peeta.
A few days before the first troops are to fly to the Capitol, York tells Katniss, Johanna and me that she has recommended us for the exam. Caspian and Finnick are there when we arrive, not particularly happy about my presence, but resigned. I sit between them and we wait anxiously for our names to be called. It feels like the private evaluation before the Hunger Games, which makes me feel sick. There is talk about how the exam is designed to target our individual weaknesses. Caspian is called in before we can discuss it. He kisses me on the forehead and disappears. Johanna goes next, and then Finnick, who ruffles my hair comfortingly. Katniss and I sit in silence until she's called in and I'm left with just a few others.
My weaknesses. Where to start? My lack of experience in any type of combat. My unstable mind. My priority always being my family. What would Thirteen think is my greatest weakness? Will they have asked my friends and family for ideas? This just sends me down a rabbit hole of doubt, so I stop thinking. Whatever it is, I need to handle it.
Finally, my name is called. The only thing on my mind now is staying sane; it's the bar I set for myself. The first five minutes are simple enough; I have to assemble a gun and follow someone's orders as they lead me through the Capitol streets. I'm just starting to feel confident when it happens. The set behind me explodes in flames. Instinctively, I throw myself away from the heat. But once I'm on the ground, I can't seem to get up. The fire that killed my sister. The flames they tortured me with. Two faces flicker in the heat. My sister crying and Barrere laughing. The crackling turns into her voice shouting for me and his shouting at me. My eyes begin to close. My mouth opens to scream.
I stop myself just in time to swallow my shriek. I focus on the voice in my earpiece. The more I concentrate on it, the quieter Talise and Barrere's shouts become. The soldier is still talking to me, guiding me away from the fire. I let my mind go blank. All memories of Talise, of Barrere, of Peeta, of torture, even the good ones with Caspian, Finnick, Annie, Coventina and Malila, disappear. I get to my feet and follow the instructions. It takes no time at all to reach the end of the Block.
But there is one more obstacle. One more weakness that needs confronting.
A single person stands between me and the exit. They wear a Peacekeeper uniform. Their gun lies on the ground. Quietly, the soldier in my ear instructs me to take them out. One bullet to the chest and I can leave this nightmare. I know my gun is filled with blanks - paint at most - but the thought doesn't reassure me. My weakness. I have never killed a person.
The soldier orders me again. I feel dizzy, unsure on my feet. Am I still standing? I may collapse any moment. Think of them as Barrere. Think of them as the ones who took you away from District 4. Who took Talise away. Took Finnick. Took Caspian. The thought doesn't help, but it does ground me.
The voice in my ear comes again, more insistent this time. I raise my gun. One shot and I can escape. The gun goes off and the bullet hits the person right in the chest. The white Peacekeeping uniform splatters with red paint and the person pretends to collapse.
I run past them without looking, dropping my gun on the floor. I manage to compose myself enough to face the soldier who congratulates me and stamps my hand. She tells me to report to Command, but I go the opposite way. I find the nearest bathroom and throw up in the toilet. As I wash my face and hands, I look at myself in the mirror. It's as if flames still flicker in my amber eyes. The sound of the gunshot ricochets in my head.
This is it, I decide. This will be the last time I engage in combat. I do not want to do this. I barely left the Block sane, I would disintegrate in real battle. And I do not want to kill anybody. I don't. So they will find another way to make me useful.
But I'm intercepted as soon as I step out of the bathroom. Johanna. Her grubby hands grip my arms. There's something terribly wrong with her - her whole body is soaking wet, her eyes are blood red, she isn't trying to hide her anxious fidgeting, and it looks like she barely sees me. She definitely doesn't notice my own paleness.
"Did you pass?" she demands.
"Yes, but I-"
"I failed," she says. "They won't let me go to the Capitol."
"Oh, Johanna, I'm sorry. But I'll be-"
"When you're there, I need you to do something for me, because you're the only one of them who went through what I did." The look in her eyes is a deeply unsettling mix of wild and blank. I know that look. I spent weeks in the cell next door to that look. "You need to kill Barrere. You need to find him and kill him. Will you do it?"
"Johanna-"
"You said if I needed anything, I just had to ask. Right?" She manages to focus her eyes on me, and I wish she wouldn't. "Do this for me? For all of us. You, me, Peeta, Annie. Everyone that man has laid a finger on. Will you do it?"
And what can I say but yes? The second the word slips past my lips, Johanna's determination fails her and she collapses in my arms. I hold her tight. I hate her. But I will give myself up for her. She sobs loudly and my tears fall silently. Her dampness cools me and my fire warms her.
Ten minutes later, I am in Command, meeting the rest of my unit. Katniss grins giddily when she sees me. Gale and the five or six others that I don't know greet me politely. Only Caspian and Finnick watch me with worry, only they see the despair on my face. Plutarch has already started his presentation, gesturing over a holographic image of a Capitol block.
"Each light is a pod," he is saying. "It represents a different obstacle, designed to either trap or kill you. This program is our most recent information. The Capitol doesn't know we have it, but it's likely that new pods have been activated in the last few months. This is what you will face."
Katniss, Finnick, Caspian and I share a single thought. My hands reach for my hair. Caspian inhales sharply. Finnick tenses. Katniss breaks apart from the group, approaching the holograph. Finnick joins her, and he speaks quietly, "Ladies and gentlemen..."
Katniss's voice rings madly through the room. "Let the Seventy-sixth Hunger Games begin!"
"Are you sure you want to be here?" Caspian whispers to me. Finnick overhears and looks back at us.
"If you're here, I want to be with you," I say to them. I know exactly what we are all thinking. It will be the three of us against the Games, once again. And there are no two people I would rather be with, whatever comes from this.
Finnick turns back around, shoulders set. I know from the determined look in Caspian's eyes that he will not fight me on my decision. Despite everything, I smile. These Games will be different. Anyone and everyone can be destroyed.
And if I cannot have peace, I will have reckoning.
In the last few days, I split my time between my squad and the people I am leaving behind. Our unit is composed of sharpshooters, which seems strange, since I've done well but I wouldn't consider myself one of the best. However, the hours on the shooting range definitely help me improve, and although I hate the gun in my hands, I feel confident in my ability to use it. My skill with knives has steadily returned and although I don't have the precision I used to, I still manage to hit the dummies almost every time. Beetee gives me a set of knives with special features, but I don't look into them too much: the basics are more comfortable.
Plutarch joins us one morning, and everything becomes a lot clearer. He explains that the members of our squad are to be the onscreen faces of the invasion. I have barely any room for relief, because my promise to Johanna has latched on to me tightly, especially after visiting her in the hospital, after seeing her tethered to the morphine drip once again. I will do this for her. Like she said, I will do this for all of us.
I don't cry the morning that we leave, but Coventina and Annie do. Malila stands stoic, visibly angry with us. Auntie Tina's shaking hands plait my hair, then they turn me around. She studies my face for a long moment, until finally she wraps me in her arms. "Thank you," I say in her ear.
"Come back to me, gem," she says back.
Annie and I stand nose to nose, our hands clutching each other. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I'll be worrying about you every minute of every day," she says, repeatedly squeezing her eyes closed and opening them.
"Me too," I say quietly. "But I'm going to take care of you, I promise."
Finally, I make my way to Malila, who is sitting on a wooden crate away from where Finnick and Caspian are saying their goodbyes. I sit down next to her but she refuses to look at me, keeping her arms crossed and her eyes on the floor.
"Did you see Peeta and Johanna?" she asks.
"I did earlier this morning," I tell her. I poke her in the side. "Will you keep an eye on them for me, Lila?"
This makes her look up. Her eyes are red but dry. She nods. "I will. But it would be better if you were here to do it yourself."
"I know," I say gently. "But I'm leaving so that when I come back, the world is a safer, kinder place for all of us. Especially you, my little dolphin."
She nods again, but her face scrunches up with emotion. "Thank you," she whispers. There's a second of silence, then she turns abruptly and hugs me around the waist. "I believe in you."
The words knock the breath out of me. An open display of trust, not just in me but in my ability to better things. I don't have time to respond because Boggs calls for Squad 451 to report to the hovercraft.
"Take care of yourself, Lila, be safe," I say quickly as she detaches herself from me. "I love you." The smile she gives me is one I know I will never forget. I step away to let Caspian pick his sister up, just as she starts crying heavy tears, her arms locked around his neck. Then Finnick, Caspian and I board the hovercraft, waving one last time. I add these memories to my little mental bank, keep them close to my heart, like tokens taken to the Games; Coventina's embrace, Annie's hands clutching mine, Malila's trust.
"They'll be safe here," Caspian says, and it sounds like he's trying to convince himself.
Auntie Tina, Annie and Malila disappear from view and I finally look away, pressing my face against Caspian's arm. "They will," I say against his sleeve.
The hovercraft takes us to District 12, from where we travel a few days in a cargo car. Then we walk for a day to reach the rebel encampment on the outskirts of the Capitol. I don't know what we were expecting would happen, but for days, we do nothing. Every once in a while, someone is actually needed, but I am never chosen. Neither are Katniss, Finnick, Caspian or Gale, but I feel like our commander, Boggs, takes special care to not even look my way. On the fourth day, I am seriously starting to think that I'll have to do take things into my own hands if I want to keep my promise to Johanna, when one of the twins, Leeg 2, is killed by a pod. Although I've barely interacted with the people from Thirteen - Jackson, Mitchell, Homes, the Leeg sisters, and Boggs - her death feels like a violent blow. Caspian puts it into words that night after dinner. "She died for nothing. We haven't accomplished anything."
The next day, we are supposed to get a replacement, but it's Peeta who strolls out of the train station, uncuffed, armed and seemingly unbothered. There's shock, anger and confusion. I'm the first to snap out of it. I give Peeta a hug, smoothly slipping his gun off his shoulder and handing it to Boggs, then sitting him down so he can explain. He does. Coin ordered this. Coin told him to come here.
Caspian takes me to the side. "This isn't just dangerous for Katniss, Sapph," he says. "We're all going to have to watch him, and his being here could trigger you."
"You're right," I tell him. "But you know I can't just stay away from him. I'm going to have to take care of him. Will you... take care of me?"
"Of course," Caspian answers immediately. I smile and he leans down to press his lips against my forehead.
"Soldier Ayers!" calls Boggs in his deep voice, and Caspian and I break away. "Come with me."
Caspian and I exchange a look, and I follow Boggs. He walks silently, so I speak first. "So do you not like me or just not trust me?"
He raises his eyebrows. "It's my job to lead and protect this squad. I can't say that I think you're going to make that job easier."
"I'm much more stable than Peeta is," I tell him.
"Yes, now I have both of you to worry about, not to mention you setting each other off." He pauses. "I guess we know why you're here now."
"You don't think I'm just good enough to be here?" I say with mock surprise. "There has to be another reason?"
"I think there are many reasons you're here. They want you in the propos. You won't be separated from Rivera and Odair. You performed well in training, even during the test. You have experience in an arena. You'll be useful if we need to use our words instead of our weapons."
I'm startled by the number of reasons he has, because I haven't thought of them myself, but I suppose that is his job, as a Commander. "Sounds like a lot of good things," I say, "especially if we're going to just sit around the entire war."
"They want you to be responsible for Peeta," Boggs says, stopping to face me. "I believe they may want him to kill Katniss eventually, maybe himself too, but before that he needs to be taken care of. They know you'll do that."
I want to say no. I left Thirteen to avenge Peeta and the others, not to babysit him. But whoever "they" are, are right. I will take care of him. I'll go beyond that, I'll protect Katniss from him and help him continue his recovery.
"I need to know that I can trust you to do that so I can focus on actually fighting this war. You can't guarantee anything, I understand, but you need to tell me you will try, Sapphire. Try to keep this squad safe." Boggs's eyes latch on to me so that I can't look away.
"Yes, I will," I say, and he nods.
"Good. Now, about Caspian and Finnick. Are you safe to be around them? I know you're particularly close to Rivera."
For some reason, this makes me blush. Our relationship isn't a secret from anyone, but being called out by the commander in such a serious way makes me feel juvenile and embarrassed. "I don't let myself go completely, but I'm in control enough to know how and when to keep my distance. I am not going to stay away from them."
"And I won't make you," he says fairly. "Dismissed, Soldier Ayers. Go tell Jackson to put you on the guard rotation."
A/N: We have officially entered the Capitol. As always, click the star if you're enjoying this and leave a comment with how you think this is going to work out!