...
"We drink the poison our minds pour for us and wonder why we feel so sick."
...
Silence was a foreign thing to Willow, a thing that was so rare around the DeLaCruz home that it was nothing more than an occasional wish - one that never actually came true. Until today that is, when everyone that usually occupied the apartment was busy, leaving only Willow behind to be a victim to her own dark mind.
You would think that someone like Willow, a person who lives a life full of constant chaos, never having a moment to truly sit back and relax or to relish in the calm, would be taking a time like this for granted, that she would be filled with delight as she used this time to be worry free and take care of herself for once. But no, she was too used to the madness that is her life that she became reliant on it. The chaos was a drug, one she used to distract herself from the deathly thoughts that plagued her mind whenever she was left to the silence, the very way they were eating her up right now.
Willow was laid down on the couch, eyes trained on an empty spot on the wall across from her while her ears strained to hear a sound, anything other than the voice in the back of her head whispering poisonous words to her. Her arm hung off the side of the couch, a cigarette in hand while her other hand sat on her stomach, playing with the hem of her tank top. She was tired, in a way. Not physically, but mentally. It was a familiar sensation, one she has had since she was eight when her life first began to crumble. The girl could remember the day it all happened, when the feeling first came to her after a single phone call. It appeared as a small hum in the back of her head that grew louder as time went on and began draining her more and more with each passing second, eventually turning into a storm filled with the loud banging of thunder that slowly drove her mad. It was like a forever lasting headache that she so desperately wished she could shake, but she couldn't, the banging in her head would continue to grow and act as a constant reminder of the day that tore the DeLaCruz family apart. Willow really didn't need a reminder of the events that one horrific day held, she could remember it as if it were only yesterday since she often relived the haunting memory in her nightmares.
Memories. Those were either cruel or blissful. You either cherished them or wished you were able to forget. For Willow there was no in between, it was one or the other. They brought you joy, or pain. She was lucky enough to have a chosen family that she got to make plenty of happy memories with, ones that she could look back on with a smile and tell joyful stories about. They gave her moments filled with nothing but love, peace, and the feeling of being blessed enough to have experienced them. But even with the help of her little family Willow still held a few memories that often made her feel as though she had been cursed, like she had done something wrong that made the universe believe she deserved to go through the pain those memories had forced upon her, and then continued to use those same moments to torture and taunt her over and over again. It made the girl question herself, the more she was forced to the relive the tragedies she has experienced in her short amount of life she begun to wonder how they were caused, if she was the reason they happened. Maybe if she had done something differently, whether it was a simple choice of words or a decision she had made, would things have been different than they were today? Could the accident have been avoided? Would her brothers have stayed or would they have still left? Could her mother have continued on sober or would she have fallen off the wagon anyway? Would Skyla still have been born? There were endless possibilities, countless 'What if's', but it didn't matter how many times she revisited the day in her head, she could never be sure of the outcome and what she could have done to prevent all that has happened.
It was a sad thought, one she often had that held all the 'What if's'. Those thoughts always ended with her feeling immense guilt, like all that happened that day was her fault when it wasn't, she was only a child and it was far out of her control. She knew she couldn't have done anything to stop it, she was barely eight years old at the time, but that didn't stop the demons of her mind from using her fears against her and convincing her otherwise. It was what they were doing right now, terrorizing her with the possibilities, blaming the tragedy on her, saying that everything was her fault. And after hearing something so many times you start to believe it's true. So when Willow begins to cave, squeezing her eyes shut as she begs for her destructive thoughts to leave her alone, it's really no surprise that she once again falls for the monster's cruel and untrue words, surrendering to the storm of pain that continues to brew inside of her. She could feel her heart crack a little more as she raises a hand to wipe the tears that managed to escape from her chocolate brown eyes that now shone with the same tears that always seemed to return to her, coming back like clock work whenever she fell for the hurtful words she fed herself.
How was she ever supposed to feel ok again when all she does is tear herself apart from the inside out? She never meant to but it always happened, there was nothing she could do to stop it. All Willow could do was try her best to stay strong for as long as she could, ignoring the deafening thunder constantly echoing in her head like a catchy song you would hear on the radio. But still, even if she can hold out, continuing to fake her daily smiles and laughter she knew she would never truly be ok again, not completely at least. Willow's mind was a disease and she didn't have a cure, she wasn't sure anyone ever would.
Willow wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to take the silence, she was beginning to feel overwhelmed the longer she was left alone. It was a miracle she hadn't already lost it. She needed a distraction, something to keep her busy while she awaited someone to return. The girl didn't care what it was to capture her attention, she just knew she needed something quick before she broke. And as though the universe seen how desperate she was they decided to show her some mercy and sent her just what she needed in the moment. A distraction.
The sound of her phone's notifications going off made the girls eyes snap to the device that laid on the coffee table beside her, the screen lighting up with a text message, but what piqued her interest was the fact that it was from a number she didn't recognize. Willow sits up, reaching for her cellphone and reads over the message, a look of surprise replacing her previous one of sorrow. She stares at the words, unsure on how to go about it. The girl didn't want to make things worse as it was already a hard enough situation to deal with and she wasn't about to make everything more complicated. And besides, it wasn't any of her business anyways.
She rolls her eyes at herself. "When has that ever stopped you before." She speaks her thoughts out loud. It was true, she often got herself into trouble for being too nosy. But Willow didn't think of it like that, instead she said she was simply curious. No one bought that but left it at that, not daring to get into an argument with the stubborn girl.
With a sigh Willow leans back in her seat, staring at the text from Shelley - Cameron's mother - who was asking if she could stop by. She had few options here. She could agree and see what happens. Say no. Leave it up Cameron because it is his mother after all. Or she could ignore the text message all together.
After a moment of contemplation Willow reluctantly dials Cameron's number, deciding to leave the choice up to him. "Hey, Wills." Cameron's cheerful voice sounds through the speaker after a few rings.
"Hey. How's Deena?" She questions, opting for small talk first instead of getting straight to the point.
"She's good." He answers. "She's doing really good with all her classes, says college is treating her well." He speaks proudly of his older sister.
"That's good, tell her i said hi." Willow says, hearing the older girls voice greet her in the background.
"So what's up?" He asks.
She sighs. "Have you talked to your mom at all today?"
The questions makes Cam's eyebrows furrow. "No? Why?"
"'Cause she's texting me, wants to stop by." She sighs, smiling when Kitkat jumps up onto the couch beside her, the orange kitten crawling into her lap and beginning to purr. Willow wastes no time in petting the furry creature, showering it in affection.
"What'd you say to her?"
"Nothing yet." She assures, hearing the panic in his tone. "I wanted to ask you what you want me to do."
It's silent for a minute as he thinks over what's happened lately, replaying the recent events. Would it really be a good idea to allow his mother in the same place as Willow? The girl who wanted to hit the woman with a baseball bat not too long ago. Probably not. But the thing is, Cameron was also a very curious person, he needed to know what Shelley wanted, and he also just had a hard time refusing her since she was his mother. He always has had problems with denying anyone, too kind or afraid to do so. Which is why he tells Willow to agree with the meeting and to keep him updated.
Willow nods, putting the call on speaker as she replies to the Hansley womans text, telling her she's allowed to come to the apartment. "Ok, just answered her."
"Ok." He sighs. "Be safe, Willow."
She hums. "I'll be so safe." She says, chuckling to herself as she thinks of that scene from Outer Banks.
The boy shakes his head, already knowing the girls thoughts. "I mean it, Wills. You need to be careful."
She let's out a breath and nods once more. "Yeah, i know. Promise I'll be careful. I have my bat."
He rolls his eyes. "What is it with you and that stupid bat?"
She shrugs. "Reminds me of Stiles Stilinski, aka the love of my life."
"Are you ever going to stop obsessing over fictional characters?"
"Nope." She answers, barely letting the boy finish his sentence.
"Yeah, that's what i thought." He mumbles.
"Fictional characters are better than real people." She defends once hearing his tone.
"So I've heard."
"You know I'm right."
"Mhm." He hums. "Whatever you say."
"I'm not wrong."
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"Hi, Willow." Shelley gives the girl a small smile, arms crossed over her chest as she looks down to the ground shyly, unable to look into Willow's piercing brown eyes for too long.
"Hi, Shelley." She greets, voice bored as she steps aside to allow the woman inside, leading her to the couch where they sit in silence for a few minutes. Both were unsure on how to start the conversation, but eventually Shelley found the words and gathered her courage before starting.
"So, Cameron's staying here, right?" She asks, sipping on the glass of water that Willow so kindly offered her.
She nods, putting her full attention onto petting the kitten in her lap. "Yep."
"And is he doing good?"
"Mhm."
"Good..." she nods, trailing off. "That's good."
Willow sighs, rolling her eyes. "Why are you here, Shelley?"
The woman sighs and places the glass down, pulling the grey cardigan tighter around her body as she turns to face the DeLaCruz girl. "First, I'd like to thank you for being here for my son, especially now when i can't be. And i know i don't have much to offer but as a way to show you all my appreciation, and to hopefully help out even if it is only a little bit, I'd like to give you some money."
Willow's eyebrows raise in shock. "Money?" She repeats.
"Yes." She nods. "For right now i only have about eighty dollars to give but i can get more. I'd like you to keep at least half to help with any expenses that you need to pay for and the other half you can pass on to Cameron for him to spend however he pleases."
"You don't have to give me anything." Willow denies. "It's up to you if you want to give money to Cam but we don't need your money."
"No, i insist." The Hansley mother shakes her head. "I'm still working and i get paid next week, I'll come back with some more money then but for the moment this is the most i can offer." She explains, pulling the cash out of her pocket.
Willow shakes her head, pushing Shelley's hand away. "No, i can't take that."
"Yes, you can. It's the least i can do." She insists, placing the money onto the coffee table. "After next week i don't get paid for another month so I am going to be back with more money sometime around then."
"You don't have-"
"I do." Shelley cuts her off. "I'm not a good mother, i know that and my kids deserve better. So, if being out of their lives mean they can be even the slightest bit happier than I'm ok with that and i don't want to do anything to risk messing their lives up anymore than i already have, but i would like to help them which is why I'm doing this. I already sent money to Alice and Deena, Cameron was my last stop."
"What about Evan?" Willow asks, concerned for Cameron's younger brother.
"I, uhm, sent him to live with his grandparents in New York. They're very well off and can take great care of him." She explains, Willow narrows her eyes in disbelief and Shelley is quick to continue. "Alice is living with her father, he's also pretty well off. Deena is in college. And Cameron is staying here." She tells her, brushing off the concern she could see on Willow's face, she then reluctantly presents her an idea. "But if Camerom is interested his grandparents would be more than willing to take him in too, they already offered so if that's something he wants it's competely doable and will stay an option. But if not then that's ok too and as long as it's alright with you, Wes and Victoria than he can stay here, or he's always welcome back home."
She slowly nods. "Is that guy still there?"
"No." Shelley quickly shakes her head. "He's long gone, he has been since the night he hurt Cameron and he won't ever be back."
Willow smiles, pleased with her response. "Good."
Shelley smiles, looking to the floor before glancing back up to meet the girls stare. "I better get going, i have a shift soon and i still need to get ready."
"Ok." Willow nods, a soft look in her eyes ana a small smile now resting on her lips, a drastic change from the glare and frown Shelley was first greeted with only ten minutes ago.
Shelley returns the smile, standing to her feet and making her way to the door, pausing before letting herself out. She turns to look at Willow. "How's Victoria doing? And your brother's?"
Willow frowns, confused on how she knew her brothers were back and as if reading her mind Shelley answers before Willow can even ask. "Noel still talks to Deena sometimes and Deena talks to Evan who told me everything before he left." She explains.
"Oh." Willow purses her lips. News gets around fast when messy families are intertwined as one large, dysfunctional, and crazy bunch. "Uh, Mom's out of the city and my so called brothers are ok, i guess."
"That's good to hear." Shelley nods, a look of hesitance apparent in her blue eyes. "And, how are you?"
"What?"
"How are you handling everything?" She clarifies.
"I'm fine." Willow tells her, repeating the same words she always uses as the answer to that question.
Shelley scoffs a small laugh, re approaching her previous seat beside the girl. "Sweetie, i think you're forgetting I've known you since you were a born, i can tell when you're lying." She says, her voice soft as she continues questioning her in concern. "What's been going on?" Shelley knows all about Willow's struggles, having heard about all of her issues from several different people, Cameron, Victoria, Jane, Vince and sometimes even Deena. People tend to talk, especially when you have as many people as they do connected as one big, hectic family where barely anyone can keep a secret to save their lives.
Willow sighs. "I don't know."
"You don't know what?" Shelley asks, eyebrows furrowing as she prepares to listen to the girl, ready to put her psychology degree to some good use.
Willow hesitates for a second before deciding to unload everything onto the woman, hoping that she would feel better afterwards.
"Everything is just a mess. I don't really want my brothers here but at the same time i missed them a lot so it's confusing and i don't know what to do or how to handle it all. I'm scared they're just going to disappear again without a word - something they're very good at, but this time it's just not going to be me, Wes and mom getting hurt, It'll be Skyla too and i don't want her to have to go through that but i also don't want to be the one telling her she's not allowed to have a relationship with them because they're her brothers just as much as they are mine so that's just unfair, i would be pissed if someone did that to me." She rushes through a rant, taking a deep breath once she stops only to start again. "I'm mad that they didn't even try to keep in contact with us, they didn't call, send a text or even a freaking letter in eight years and it makes me mad that they think they can just waltz back into our lives and all will be forgiven, like we'll welcome them back with open arms and act like nothing happened - like they didn't abandon us when we needed them the most. It hurts to see how well they're doing, how happy they've been without us, like we didn't even matter to them, they act as if it was easy to just walk out on us without a second thought." She finishes, her voice cracking at the end as she blinks back her tears.
Shelley is quick to move forward, arms wrapping around Willow as she pulls her into a warm hug, her hand stroking the back of her head soothingly while the girl's cries sound into her shoulder. "Shh, let it out. It's ok." She coo's, her voice quiet and calming, only making Willow sob harder.
"It's like- they don't even care. How- how could they do that to us?" Her words come out slowly, hiccups interrupting every few words. "I hate them so much. I hate that they left, i hate that they hurt us, i hate that they acted like we didn't exist, i hate that they came back and are forcing themselves into our lives and i hate that they could just leave again whenever they please." She pauses, struggling to breathe properly. "And I hate that I'm happy they're back, i hate that i want to let them in even though i know they could just leave again at any moment and i hate that that's something i even have to be worried about - them leaving again. But most of all i hate that i love them and missed them so much that it turns me into this." She says, pulling back and motioning to herself, tears streaming down her rosey cheeks.
Shelley frowns, pulling the girl in for another hug. "It's ok to be angry and to have missed them, Willow. That's normal, you love them and they're still your brothers, even if you don't want them to be. Sometimes, no matter how much someone hurts us we still hold onto them and we forgive them no matter what they've done, even though they did us wrong. I know, I've done it before too. And trust me, it's not the best thing to do. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive them, but you definitely need to talk to them and make them realise just what they've done and how much it has effected not only you, but Wes and Victoria too, they need to be held accountable for their mistakes and to understand how much their actions hurt others."
"I'll keep that in mind." Willow voice comes out muffled from the womans shoulder. "Thank you for listening."
Shelley smiles, pulling away and wiping the girls tears away. "Of course, like i said, I'm not the best anything really but I'd like to try, i want to be better for my family and that includes you guys too." She tells her. "Now, anything else you want to get out?"
She sighs. "I kind of want to let them in and get to know them again" she confesses, her lips pursing before her next words. "But then whenever they open their mouths or speak or even just breathe too loudly i get annoyed and want to punch them."
Shelley shakes her head with a small laugh. "Yeah, i believe that's just part of being a sibling. One minute you want to hug them then the next you want to strangle them. That's how it was for me and Jane growing up anyways."
Willow laughs. "Yeah, that's what Jane said. She always talks about how much she loved to annoy you when you were kids."
"Oh definitely, she never left me alone. It's like a little sisters job to annoy their older siblings, especially their big sister's. I'm sure you can relate with Skyla?"
Willow shrugs. "Sometimes."
The DeLaCruz and Hansley stay seated together for a few more minutes, simply talking, something they haven't gotten a chance to do lately. But soon Shelley leaves, rushing off to prepare for her shift at the salon she works at, leaving Willow once more to be alone in the silence, only this time it holds a sense of peace.
Willow feels lighter, as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders after unleashing all of her bottled up emotions. She wishes she could always feel this free. But she knew that soon enough - too soon - the demons of her mind would come for her once again, ready to repeat the cycle of hurt.
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I kind of hate this but at the same time i don't? I don't know but i hope you guys liked it.
The playlist should be out in a few days for anyone interested, if not in the next few days then definitely by next weeks update.
Also, just so it's clear Jane (Vince's wife/Skyla's step mom) is Shelley's (Cam's mom) sister.