TW // Self Harm
There was nothing except the alcohol and the music. My body moved freely and without care. It was liberating. How the music flowed through my skin, how my body moved without me thinking about doing it. I loved the soft buzz that filled my head. There were no worries that came from this blissful feeling. This was better. My mind wasn't trapped on the countless faces of the women and girls in that warehouse. Neither was the man I had to kill, the second in such a short space of time. I didn't think about the pain they suffered or how every mind had been filled with it. I didn't think about Loki needing to talk to me, and the knowledge that he had been leaving. Nor did I think about the pain that now radiated through my arms, or the dagger stained with blood on my bed. All that remained was a weightlessness of booze and the beat I could feel throughout my body. Part of me was aware that he was here. I felt the energy moving closer to me from across the building, aware of how his presence called to me. I wanted to fall into his arms, dance, and drink with him. I wanted to pretend like everything was okay again, tell myself we could have forever. Memories of my dream flooded back to me but it was too much. I didn't want to feel. Instead I drank, ignoring the way my body felt drawn to him.
Kaya, please come back to your apartment. We don't have to talk, but just don't run anymore. I tripped slightly as I heard him through the nothingness. His voice was so... sad, and it hurt me to hear it. But I couldn't talk. I didn't want to feel.
My eyes met him and I knew if I waited a second longer I would listen. I would listen and it would make me suffer to confront everything I kept buried down. I thought about their faces again, the pain they suffered for far too long. More alcohol. More music.
Please, Kaya. Just come back with me. Let me help. I used my magic to turn the music up, so I reached for another drink. There is no help. Nothing he or anyone else could do would help. It wouldn't stop the fact I'd killed, or that I'd gone back to the blade. Part of me noticed Alex moving closer to me. His presence didn't help. He'd questioned me about getting close to Loki again. Still, he held me as I cried on the plane back. He cared about me in a way that helped, even if I felt nothing but basic friendship for him.
Don't Kaya. Please. I really should have stopped it, but I was so far removed from my actions. I felt his hands on my hips as he turned me to him. Instantly my hands rested on his shoulders, falling onto them as if I'd expected them to be taller. Looking up at short blonde hair and blue eyes felt wrong. It caused a knot to form in my stomach, so instead I found myself turning around, leaning back into him as we moved with the music. I could ignore it this way, let my eyes drift close and picture someone else. Pretend I could be dancing with him instead.
I rested my left hand on his as it wrapped around my hip and brought my other to his neck behind me. It felt almost right in every way. The way he grinded against me thrilled me but felt off. His body was slightly too short, his hands too small, his arms too thick. The sensation felt right, but the person was wrong. Not even the amount I drank tonight prevented that emptiness from rising within me. Still I danced, even if I closed my eyes and imagined Loki by my side. I wanted his hands around me, his lips inches from my neck, his body pressed against mine. It didn't feel like a bad idea, it felt right. He belonged beside me, not anyone else. But I knew he couldn't. Not in public and soon never again. And that pit of loneliness and despair was almost all consuming. The alcohol couldn't fill it. Alex couldn't fill it. It was bottomless and all consuming. He felt it too. Amongst the fogginess of everything else I could still hear his pain. His desire to be with me too. God did I crave that. Overwhelming everything else, however, was his jealousy. At that moment I knew I'd pushed it too far. So despite how much I craved that connection with anyone at the moment, I stepped away from it. Alex tried to reach back for me but I firmly moved away from his grip, dancing for a moment more on my own.
Eventually Nat left and Wanda took a seat. The alcohol was no longer filling the void, neither did the sting of the cuts on my arms. I wasn't as numb as I craved. I walked to the empty seat beside Loki, ignoring the glares from Alex. I reached for a bottle on the table, half left Vodka from Nat, and brought it to my lips. Instantly I realised it was water and shot Loki a look.
"You can't control how much I drink, Loki." I whispered to him. Hesitant to have this conversation too publicly, even in my drunken state.
"Watch yourself, pet." He hissed into my ear, too low for anyone else to hear, but with a seething anger I had not witnessed from him in a while. A shiver spread over me as I realised how much I enjoyed getting under his skin. He always acted so in control of me, mostly due to the fact that I submitted to him so easily. It was refreshing to see him unnerved by my actions. His jealousy won over his controlled anger always. And in my inhibited state I realised I wanted to push him further. With a smile, I used my powers to bind his hands in place. He hissed my name in warning, but I ignored him as I picked his drink up and gazed into his eyes. There was a clear warning in them, daring me to see what would happen if I did. And I so wished to see what would happen. I only took a small sip, bigger than the one he had given me before, but I wasn't stupid enough to push it. My magic fell from around his hands as I placed the drink back to the table and looked up at him innocently.
It's sweetness soon faded as the room began to swirl slightly for a second. Instantly, he grabbed my wrist and practically dragged me out of the room and to the elevator in anger. We were plunged into an uncomfortable silence until a giggle left my lips. I couldn't stop the sound escaping and once it had I couldn't stop it either. He glowered at me without a word and led me into my room. I couldn't help but notice how much more freeing it was so instantly. It hit straight away and there was no sting from drinking it. Everything seemed to fade away as if nothing were real. Even the dizziness felt refreshing. As soon as my apartment door closed, however, I swallowed the giggle. The tension seemed to instantly heighten. There was something so incredibly arousing about how pissed off he was, and I instantly wanted only one thing. When the door closed I swallowed the giggle. He was mad and it was so very hot. I bit my lip as I looked into his eyes, and he crossed his arms across his chest in response.
"I should spank you until your ass is deliciously red and unbearably sore." A moan left my lips and I bravely walked towards him. He uncrossed his arms and brought them to my hips. It felt so good the way he grabbed them, like his hands belonged on my body. It was much better than Alex's hands on me.
"Maybe you should." I whispered, my lips inches away from his. To my surprise, he pushed me slightly away from him.
"We will discuss the appropriate punishment for you when you are sober. Even on the lowest setting my seiðr is too bound to be able to conjure enough to sober you since you drank my mead. So, I suggest you get your ass safely in your bed, pet." I sighed, knowing he wouldn't be touching me tonight, but wishing he would.
"I don't even deserve a punishment." I muttered as I walked over to my bed before falling down onto it, struggling to kick off my heels. I felt warm hands grab my ankles and unbuckle my shoes.
"You deserve more of a punishment than I will probably give, Kaya. One for ignoring my calls for you to come to me the whole night." My shoe fell onto the floor with a soft thud before he moved to unbuckle the other. "A second for binding me with your magic and drinking my mead. Especially when you know you are not to drink anymore. And even more so for drinking Asgardian mead when you know you are not ever to do so without my direct permission and observation as to the amount consumed." The other shoe fell to the floor, and he leant over me teasingly, but never resting his body on mine. I felt myself try to rise up to meet his body, but he kept his perfectly out of reach, which only frustrated me further. "And you deserve so much worse for that wanton display you put on for the mortal boy." I rolled my eyes at him.
"We really have to address the fact that you keep calling me a whore." I snapped at him in anger, but he just laughed in the deep and seductive way that completely dissolved my rage.
"Now, now, pet. We both know you love it when I call you a whore. You gush at both my praise and degradation of you in equal amounts." He moved off of me and stood at the edge of my bed in a smooth motion, causing me to cross my arms and sulk. "You caused this yourself. You know I will not touch you when you are drunk and unable to consent. It is a basic decency that the guard boy of yours would have lacked tonight." I rolled my eyes at him and sat up.
"Alex was just as drunk. And neither of us were completely gone before the mead. I was fully capable of consent if I wanted." He sighed with exacerbation. "But no matter how much I try I can't get myself to want him, or anyone else for that fact. All I wanted tonight was for you to be by my side." I couldn't stop myself from speaking.
"You pushed me away, Kaya. You could have been by my side all night, instead you chose to shut me out again and then drink yourself into oblivion." My sigh filled the room as Loki moved over to my chest of drawers and found the green woollen jumper he had made for me. "But we really don't need to have that conversation tonight, so please just undress and get ready for bed." He pulled out some small pyjama shorts for me to go with them. I sat there without moving, smiling at myself for my disobedience. He cursed at my attitude as he walked over to me. I went to try to pull him towards me, wanting to get my way and have him touch me. Instead, he used the contact to pull me from the bed and to my feet.
When I stood a dizziness took over me and it hit me just how far gone I was. I steadied myself on my feet, using Loki's shoulders and arms to help. I really was wasted, the room spinning around me.
"I didn't mean to. Usually it works at stopping the pain but it didn't, but I knew alcohol would numb it."
"Kaya when you are in pain you don't have to go through it alone. I would have helped if you just let me." Everything was far too dizzy. It was too much and too intense and I didn't want to think about the bad stuff. With a groan, I went to lift my dress off, struggling as the black fabric got stuck around my chest. With a gentle laugh, Loki reached to help yank it off of my body.
"I just wanted it to stop." I whispered, mainly to myself. I really was wasted, the room spinning around me. I was so far gone that I hadn't realised Loki's breath had caught and his attention was divided. Once I was steady I pulled away from Loki, not realising how stiff he had become and the anger that filled the room. In a daze, I undid my bra and pulled off my underwear before pulling on my pyjamas, sighing at the comfort they gave. I brought the sleeves of my jumper up to my nose and breathed in the lavender scent he had enchanted the clothes to emit. When I faced Loki his mask was back on, and I frowned. He looked lost in thought and anger. This wasn't want I wanted, nor did I want him to touch me sexually either anymore. Instead, I wanted him to hold me until I slept, I longed for him to wake up beside me as well.
"I'm sorry for pushing it so far, Loki. If it helps, Alex really doesn't excite me the same way. It felt weird... almost wrong. You know it's not him I want. But you are leaving and I..." He didn't seem to hear my words, so I just got into my bed and was hit with a wave of exhaustion. I felt a blanket placed over me, too gone to think about who was even with me anymore before I felt lips on my forehead. With a smile I wriggled to get comfy. There was a whisper of what I now knew to be Asgardian as I sighed contently at how the words danced from his tongue. Then suddenly a heaviness grasped at my heart and I couldn't help my words.
"I wished you weren't called back so soon. I'll miss you so much." I felt his hand on my cheek as he pressed his forehead against mine.
"Goodnight, Ást" His voice didn't match his words or motions, it was sad and hurt with some anger coating it thickly.
"Goodnight Loki."