It was a miracle I managed to convince Tony not to immediately imprison Loki after I had explained that was what the issue was. It somehow took even longer to convince him that Heimdall was real, and I wasn't just trying to make him look stupid by shouting up to the sky. Thankfully, Thor was back sooner than either of us expected, saving the pain of having Tony freak out further. He was worried that now even I was concerned about Loki. I never told him what happened, but I think just the idea that I was worried enough to need Thor back made him hugely uncomfortable. Thor immediately made his way down to the cells to talk to me, worried about me being locked up and not fully understanding why I was. Still, it was sweet and nice to have him back. He promised to keep a closer eye on Loki during my time in the cell. It took over two weeks, and only ended that soon because of several blood transfusions. Granted, I didn't stay holed up in my cell the entire time, being escorted to the medical lab and allowing myself time out of the cell as long as three of them were with me. It meant I usually had evening meals with them, being forced to do so on the days I didn't want the pity. I never saw Loki once, told he holed himself up in his apartment completely. I didn't know if that was better or worse. Every day I played the conservation over and over again in my head. In reality it was a needed distraction from the idea that I could potentially murder the only family I had, even if it wasn't a healthy one.
It was still hard not to, especially as I watched it back, accessing the footage before deleting it out of an abundance of caution. I saw the pain in his face I missed in my own pity. I saw the insecurity that shined through his words. However, I couldn't make myself act differently no matter how hard I willed myself to. So, instead, I made a plan. A stupid plan that would likely backfire on me, but a plan nevertheless. So when it was confirmed that the drug was out of my system, Wanda cleared my mind and I felt comfortable enough to be let out, the first thing I did was get the cuff removed. I felt the flow of energy immediately as my body finally felt whole again for the first time in almost a fortnight. After the team allowed me to go back to my room and I was alone I started to work on putting the plan in motion. Well, I had a decent shower first and tried to make myself at least look like I had a good night's sleep. Then I knocked on his door and called out his name. I didn't expect a response, but it still hurt to be met with silence. I could feel the shields holding strongly around the apartment and braced myself. I'd done it once before and it wasn't comfortable, however if I wanted to talk to him it needed to be done. Bracing myself, I reached out with my magic and pushed it into the shield. Part of me hoped he would see how serious I was about speaking to him at that moment and let me in, instead I felt him fight back against the attack. With a deep breath, I forced myself to teleport through the shield, throwing myself at it completely until it shattered around.
I audibly winced as I fell through into the bedroom, taking time to steady myself and shake of the pain and discomfort caused. At least that's what I tried to do. A blade flew past my cheek, landing in the plaster of the wall directly behind me.
"You have five seconds to get out, mortal." He hissed. I just stared at the dagger, my lips parted in shock as I stared at the hilt of the dagger in front of me. It took me too long to comprehend what had just happened, taking far longer than the time he allocated to me. Part of me must have thought it was an empty threat. But then his hand wrapped around my neck, and I was shoved into the wall next to the dagger. I groaned as my head hit it, not hard enough to properly hurt yet still enough to shock me. With the other hand he pulled the dagger out from beside me, pressing it to the side of my neck. In that second I glared up at him, staring into the emerald eyes of a complete stranger.
"Loki, put the blade down and let me go. I just want to talk." He closed the gaps between our bodies, pinning me thoroughly against the wall so that even had I struggled I would have a hard time leaving.
"Why, I thought you liked it when I held a dagger to your skin." He taunted into my ear as he lightly dragged the dagger down my neck and to my collar bone just above the thin fabric of my shirt.
I kept myself very still, concerned that if I fought back it would trigger something in him. I had no idea how far he withdrew into himself over the past two weeks.
"You need to stop, Loki." I kept my voice steady and calm despite how scared I was.
"But you look so lovely pinned against my wall." He was changing the subject, avoiding the conversation I came in here to have. More than that he was purposely trying to antagonise me in the one way he knew would get under my skin.
"Fuck you."
"I'm sure you'd love to." His lips brushed lightly against my neck, his breath brushing over my skin.
"Loki, stop. Please." My breath hitched as his lips followed the same path as his blade, pausing slightly at my collarbone.
"Why? Is that what you truly want? I can feel your pulse quickening, I can see how you hesitate and how your body leans into it. This is all you wanted, after all. This is all it meant to you." His words snapped me out of it. It broke my heart all over again to hear him say that.
"Loki that isn't
"Say it." He pressed the tip of the blade right over the artery in my neck. "Say that all I was to you was sex. Look me in the eyes and tell me all you cared about was the sex." He knew. He was asking me to lie to him so he could hear the lie. It was an in. It was comforting. I wouldn't have to tell him how I felt, only how I didn't. He would hear the lie in my words and know the truth from it. Subconsciously or not he was giving me an olive branch.
So I took a deep breath and looked up into his eyes.
"This was only about sex. All I cared about was the sex. That's all you were to me." His breath hitched as he stared down at me. His eyes never left mine once and it seemed like he searched for something. Then his hand tightened around my neck slightly.
"I should kill you." I didn't doubt that he meant every word. It is what he thought was best for him to do. That part of him that wanted to run away and hide from his emotions wished to kill me.
"Then do it, if you think it will help. If you think that it would bring you any peace. You said you would burn worlds for me, Loki. I don't want you to think for a second that I wouldn't do the same for you." It was enough to encourage him to retreat back to the centre of his room and he began to pace.
"Leave. I don't want to hear any speech." With a deep breath, I stepped forward, rubbing my neck where he had his hand around it and finding a tiny drop of blood.
"I'm not going to leave until you hear me out. I don't care anymore, Loki. Do whatever you want to help you feel better. You want to fuck me until we can't think? Fine. You want to spar me over and over until we can't fight anymore? Okay. But I will not stop trying to speak to you. Every single day I will be here, trying to make amends. Trying to stop you from going back to how you were. Because you were miserable, Loki. You shine when you help others. Even more so when you are allowed to be yourself around someone. That someone doesn't have to be me, and I understand if that's the case, but you can't go back to how it was."
Before he had the adequate time to think anything I said through, he groaned loudly in frustration. The next moment his shields fell from around the room just as his door opened and Thor came barging in.
"Brother! Oh Lady Kaya, you are free!" Thor's massive arms swallowed me as he lifted me off of the floor. I laughed slightly as he held me, letting myself lean into the comfort I felt from him. I'd forgotten what it felt like to have him around, and without all the complications I could view our friendship so clearly. He was so full of joy that it was hard not to get swept up in the moment. Loki cleared his throat and Thor let me down, patting my back firmly with a hearty chuckle. "I've received excellent news from Huginn and Muninn, brother. Father has permitted you to come home at the end of the month." A single moment can shatter everything. Knowing it would kill me to see him happy about leaving, I cast my eyes to the floor.
"I need to get some rest. Congrats, Loki. I'll see you both in the morning."
"Kaya..." I saw as he took a step towards me, but I teleported to my apartment before I could stay a second longer. As soon as my feet landed on my own carpet I broke. All the strength I had seemed to leave my body as I collapsed to the floor in tears. And all of the stress burst out in one go. In the end everything I feared was going to happen would occur. The one person who helped me feel whole again was going to leave.
It took almost an hour for me to pick myself up off of the floor. Instead of going to bed I decided to take a scalding hot shower. As I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around my body I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I called the dagger over from under my pillow and turned just before a hand wrapped around my wrist. Emerald eyes were the only thing that stopped me from stabbing him. I breathed out a sigh of relief, followed by a nervous swallow.
"Loki..." I whispered just before his lips hit mine with an unbridled passion and desperation. He ran his hands through my hair and gripped it tight, forcing me to stay there even if I had wanted to retreat. I didn't. I wrapped my arms around him and held him just as close to me, terrified that if I let go he would disappear. When our lips separated slightly we were both left panting as we stared at each other. I don't think I'd ever seen him look so scared, which is why I knew he made his decision already. He wouldn't stay here, and I couldn't ask him to just for me. He missed his home and his life, and the way he shined and excelled on Asgard. I couldn't be so selfish as to ask him to stay on Earth. A place that hated him still, that would always wait for him to fail at every turn. Not for someone who couldn't commit to him entirely. I didn't think I had any tears left in me but one managed to escape, cascading down my cheek and into the hand he held my face with.
"I need you, Kaya. I need to feel you come undone around me again. I need to make you forget about anything other than me. And I want to forget about everything else but you." As if the kiss hadn't made me want him enough. He sounded so lonely and desperate, like he truly believed I could ever turn him away after saying that. The truth was I needed this. Not the sex so much, but the closeness. I felt like he was going to completely disappear and all I wanted to do was keep him as close to me as possible. I reached down with one of my hands and slightly moved the towel that was around me, letting it fall down by my feet. A deep, throaty moan left him as I did and a second later his lips were back on mine. It was another messy desperate kiss, neither of us caring about perfection or winning some made up fight for power. Instead we kissed as if it was the last time we ever would as his hands found my hips and he picked me up with ease. There was a flash of light visible behind my closed eyes and when I wrapped my legs around him I could feel his bare skin. He kept one hand on my back and the other under me as he walked over to the bed, bumping into it too hard and falling awkwardly on his back. Neither of us cared, we became so lost in the motion and allowed our hands to freely explore each other's bodies.
We'd fucked many times, each time was about a sense of control over something. This was more like a lack of it, for both of us. Both of us lost our control. We kissed with the emotions we couldn't speak, touched each other not to give the other pleasure but because it made us feel good to give pleasure to each other. This wasn't just fucking, it was something deeper that couldn't be acknowledge. Something that now could truly never be. The only time my lips left his was when I lowered myself slowly on to him, pausing to let out a moan I couldn't hold back. To my surprise, he did the same. He always seemed to hold back his pleasure, fighting against it as if it meant he didn't dominate over me anymore. Previously, any groans he made felt like they were forced from him, as if he had failed at holding them back. Don't get me wrong, that was incredibly hot, but this was so much more. He freely moaned as he met my thrusts slowly, allowing me to take my time and truly feel him. Feel the way he filled me completely, savoured how every slight move would ripple throughout my body and leave me feeling blissful. He let me savour him and in response he did the same. He would run his hands over my entire body, memorising every dip and curve. His lips would seldom leave me, like he had to be kissing some part of me. All the while he allowed himself to moan freely and it drove me completely insane.
Soon neither of us cared about this lasting. He began to quicken his thrusts into me, muttering phrases in his foreign language over and over. The only word I could pick up on was the new name of ástin or the shortened version ást, and it rolled off his tongue beautifully. In response, I also began to quicken my pace, no longer caring about reaching my release but finding pleasure in him finding his. I closed the gap between our bodies, making our chests flush together and burying my head into his neck. Once I did, he took over. His hands found my hips and he began to thrust quickly into me, hardly pulling out before he pushed back into me over and over. It hit a spot deep inside of me that seemed to make the whole world feel like it was drowned in a blinding white light. It was overwhelmingly beautiful and showed me that sometimes reaching an orgasm wasn't the end goal but that pleasure that came with losing yourself in someone completely. He moaned my name when he came like it was the only word he knew. It was perfect, heartbreakingly perfect. He pulled out of me, but I stayed on top of him, completely exhausted both mentally and physically. We both stayed like that, holding each other as we caught our breath. Eventually we just settled like that, my body on top of his completely. He glided a hand softly up and down my back as I began to slowly drift off to sleep.
"Stay with me tonight." I murmured as he pulled the duvet over us.
"Of course, ástin mín." But when I awoke the next day he had left, leaving my bed empty and cold just as it had been for the weeks before. Just as it will remain when summer comes, and he leaves forever.