-Randall-
I had never woken up next to another man. For a moment, I just stared at Cole. The memories from last night flooded in, and for a brief moment, I felt things I wasn't supposed to. Bad things. I refused to give them any attention, but it wasn't that easy. The things my old man used to say... But he was a sick individual who had worked hard to take my identity away from me.
He was the fucking pig.
And he'd been wrong. Cole was nothing he said gay men were. When Cole had lied underneath me, there was nothing disgusting about him, not in the way he looked at me, not in the way he sounded like. I wasn't sure if I was ready to let him do the same to me just yet, but I knew I wanted that time to come. Probably sooner than later.
But for now, I just wanted to watch him. His expression was peaceful, and it almost looked like he was smiling in his sleep. He was gorgeous. His masculinity, his high cheekbones, his dark, slightly overgrown hair, his strong forehead and sharp jawline... He was the most gorgeous man I'd ever met. Part of me wanted to wake him up so I could see his eyes and hear his voice, but I didn't want to break the peace.
And I was gay as fuck. That teenage boy from my past would be happy to see me now, cuddling this absolute hunk of a man. No more pain. No more fear. No more hiding. No more pretending. No more pointless living.
Long gone were the days when I could spend hours without a single thought passing through my mind because of how utterly empty I was.
Cole moved, and I held my breath, hoping he wasn't waking up, and when it was clear he was waking up, I cursed myself in case it was my fault.
He opened his eyes, taking in a deep, sleepy breath.
"Oh, hey..." he purred, his lips turning up into a smile. "Good morning."
He had a fantastic morning voice, so deep and soft and husky.
"Morning," I managed to mutter back.
He watched me for a short moment, then carefully reached to move my hair behind my ear – I hadn't even realized how long it had gotten already.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Better than ever," I said. "And... you?"
His smile grew wider just before he pulled me into a kiss. He pressed his entire naked body against mine under the covers... His skin was hot, just like his touch when his hand landed on my hip. His fingers moved gently as he caressed me.
Not a bad way to start a day... I hated to think how many mornings like this I had missed out on. How much life I had missed out on...
He pulled back, pecked the tip of my nose, and rested his head back on the pillow. His eyes never left me, and his hand never stopped moving on my hip.
"I still can't believe what we did last night," he said, his smile turning a little shy, but still very happy.
"Was I... any good?" I asked – I had no idea why I wanted to know that.
"Oh, yeah, baby," he purred and winked at me. "Very good, indeed."
"Oh..." I mumbled, feeling a blush rising on my cheeks. "Good."
"So... Was I any good?" he asked with a smirk. "I mean... It was your, uh..."
"My first time with a man?" I ended his sentence, and he nodded. "Yes. It was good. More than that, actually..."
The blush was getting worse. I could feel the heat on my face. Why was I feeling like a schoolboy with a crush, I had no idea.
"Good," he uttered, pulling me back into the kiss.
I closed my eyes when happiness and all the other good feelings washed over me. There were a lot of those. Feelings. To think I used to hate feeling things... But now I couldn't live without them.
And I certainly liked the feelings my body was having. We were both very much without clothes, and having him right against me was causing my body to do things no one else ever had. Not a single girl had made me feel the way he did. Not even my girlfriend had made me feel so unbelievably hot just by touching me.
I wouldn't have been surprised if things had escalated after that. I had his lips on mine, then on my throat, even on my chest, before they returned to my lips. I'd never been kissed like that before. Nor touched the way he was touching me. His hands were traveling to places I wasn't used to, but was more than willing to get used to.
When he pulled back to catch his breath, I could only lay next to him and watch him. No thoughts crossed my mind. There were only feelings – good ones.
"You are so goddamn hot," he murmured. "I can't keep my hands off you."
"That's... not a bad thing," I told him truthfully.
He let out a pleased chuckle, but kept his hands at bay. The look he gave me told me he was battling himself so he wouldn't touch me. I wasn't sure if he was still scared he'd push me too far or something, so to let him know I was telling the truth, I placed my hand on his chest to trace my fingers across his skin.
It didn't take long before he took that hand and kissed the back of it. He was silent for a long time, just watching me with the happy look in his eyes. And then he surprised me.
"Is it too soon to tell you I love you?" he whispered.
I felt jolts going in my stomach after he said that. "No," I said, without having to even think about my answer.
It was another truth. Another good feeling. But speaking those words myself... I wanted to, but I still hesitated. I didn't like that I hesitated, but I also knew it had nothing to do with my feelings. I was just scared... The worst part was that he noticed it.
"It's okay," he murmured. "I don't want you to push yourself."
"I know," I said, looking him in the eyes, feeling calmer again. "You didn't say it either. You just asked if you can say it."
"Oh, that is true," he smirked. "Do you want me to say it?"
I held my breath for a moment.
"I love you."
It was I who said it first. His eyes grew wide for a brief moment, but then his expression melted into a smile.
"I love you too," he replied softly.
It wasn't so scary, after all. Especially when he said it back. Hearing those words made me happier than I ever could've imagined. I had to kiss him. It felt so perfectly right to kiss him at that moment.
From hated and tortured to loved and cared for... I probably would've cried if I hadn't been so happy at that moment.
We stayed in bed for quite some time, talking about whatever, but eventually Cole brought up a topic from last night.
"There's something..." he trailed off, his expression turning more serious when he looked at me, making me nervous.
"There's what?"
"I uh... You said you don't like your name, and last night..." he spoke tentatively, and I guessed the rest.
"Oh, well... If I can be completely honest... I do hate it. It's not me. Randall... It's that person my old man wanted me to be," I told him and sat up. "And every time I hear it... It just reminds me of him."
"Did you think about what I said about giving you a new nickname?" he asked.
I nodded slowly. "I have a middle name. Mom wanted me to have it."
"What is it?" he asked quietly, and I turned to look at him.
"Tony."
He smiled. "That's a very hot name," he said, sitting up next to me. "Tony."
I had to laugh a little, and I shook my head. "I don't know... It's silly, isn't it? I've always been Randall."
"I don't think it's silly at all," he murmured, taking my hand in his. "Why keep something you hate. You said it yourself, you're not Randall. If it's making you feel bad, I think you should stop using it."
"I guess..."
"And since it's your middle name, you don't have to change it or anything. You just... Stop using it."
"I still have my father's last name," I sighed. "This is silly..."
"Well... That can be arranged as well," he said, and now his tone was so careful I had to take a closer look at him.
"What do you mean?"
"Well..." he muttered, tousling his hair with a scared smirk on his lips. "I've been kind of planning on asking if you'd like to be Smith instead. Not now, of course, but... later. At some point. When the time is right. You know?"
For a brief second, his words confused me, but then it finally sunk in.
"Cole Smith," I murmured his name.
The guy was planning on asking me to marry him.
"But you know, later. Some time later. No pressure or anything, I just..." he blabbered on, so I silenced him by kissing him.
"When the time is right," I whispered.