-Randall-
Cole stared at me after what I said. That I couldn't keep pretending I didn't have strong feelings for him. I... I wasn't getting the reaction I hoped. I wasn't getting a reaction at all.
And then he turned away from me to speak to his friend. "Thank you so much, Carla. Could you let everyone know they can stop searching now?"
"Sure thing," she said, and peered at me carefully. "I'm glad everything turned out all right," she added tentatively.
"Yeah. Thanks. You can go now. And thank you again," Cole told her.
"Don't worry about it," she said kindly, and grabbed her belongings. "Text me, okay?"
"Sure..."
She left and closed the door quietly, leaving us two in awkward silence.
"Cole... I'm so sorry..." I muttered.
He turned back to me. He stared at me, then shook himself and tried to smile.
"I'm sorry... I'm just... But you're home now. You're safe. You came back. That's all that matters."
"I'm so, so sorry," I said, stepping closer to him. "Please... I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to scare you, I just..."
"I know, I know," he said soothingly, and walked to me. "You just scared the shit out of me... I... But I'm so happy you came back home."
"Of course I came back," I said.
"So... You are feeling better now?" he asked. "You're not..."
"I'm better now. I can't keep running away from... myself. From what I... feel. I'm not in danger anymore, so I have to stop running," I spoke.
He nodded slowly and reached for my hand. He took in a deep breath and when he let it out, his shoulders relaxed a little.
"I'm so glad you're all right," he told me in a whisper.
But he was not all right. It was so very clear he wasn't all right. He didn't even say anything about my little confession.
"I'm so sorry," I said again.
"I'll be all right," he said. "Are you... Are you hungry? You were gone for... for hours."
"Yeah, I could eat something," I said quietly.
He nodded. "Okay. I'll... I'll make us something."
He let go of my hand and went to take his jacket off. I felt like shit. I never meant to hurt him like this... I felt absolutely horrible. But then he glanced at me over his shoulder, and when our eyes met, he smiled a little.
"I'm just so glad you're back home now," he said.
"So am I," I said quietly. "And I promise, I won't do anything like this ever again."
He nodded and put his jacket away. "Let's eat something."
It was my turn to nod. "Okay."
He did not let me out of his sight for the rest of the day. He watched me like a hawk, always making sure I couldn't disappear again. I was lucky he let me use the toilet on my own, but even then, I knew he was watching the door. He wouldn't believe me when I tried to convince him I wasn't going anywhere.
I didn't care about that. I cared more about his silence. He still wasn't really talking to me. I wasn't in a talking mood either, but... It was always scary when he didn't talk, and now it was my own fault. I knew he was still shaken. I knew he'd feared he'd find me dead.
I knew he was still afraid.
It was late already, but we were still watching a game. The TV was on, but neither of us had paid any attention to it in a while. I couldn't focus because I was constantly peering at Cole. His eyes were empty the entire time, and it made me nervous.
Finally, I reached the point I couldn't take the silence any longer.
"Cole, I'm sorry," I said once again and faced him. "I really am."
He peered at me but said nothing. He only took a deep breath and turned his empty gaze back to the TV. That hurt more than I thought it would.
"Cole, please..." I murmured, turning sideways on the couch to see him better.
"I'm..." he breathed out and stopped to find words, but he didn't seem to have any. "I'm just..."
"I didn't mean to worry you, and I definitely didn't mean to scare you," I tried again.
"You freaked me out," he blurted, still without looking at me. "I thought you were going to do something to yourself."
"I know, and I'm really sorry," I said, shifting closer to him.
I had no idea how many times I had to beg for his forgiveness, but I was ready to repeat it for the rest of my life if I had to.
"I have never been so scared in my entire life," he said quietly, and finally turned to face me. "And you know what I've been through."
I nodded and looked down at my hands, swallowing hard.
"I'm not mad at you," he continued softly. "I'm just... I'm trying to pull myself together. I'm trying to wrap my head around everything."
"Okay," I muttered. "I'll... You do what you got to do."
I turned to watch the TV again, but I couldn't focus on it. I felt so bad. I'd never hurt anyone before, and this... I couldn't stand myself at that moment. What a selfish thing to do...
"Hey..." he said, gaining my attention immediately. When our eyes met, he smiled. It was so warm it took away half of my worries. "I could never be mad at you. I'm mad at myself for not seeing how uncomfortable you were."
"Don't do that. I just freaked out. Even I didn't see it coming," I told him, inching even closer to him. "You've been nothing but great to me, and... I didn't want to return to you as the same person I left."
He nodded slowly, turning sideways as well. That eased up my soul. I took a deep breath, trying to hold on to my decision to stop living in denial.
"I should've dealt with it better, but after I ran... And after I managed to get a grip... I knew I had to face everything. I knew you'd get worried, and I knew I'd probably do that again if I... if I didn't deal with myself right there. And I know it's not enough, but..." I trailed off, looking for the right words.
God, I'd blurted out a lot of words already, but I needed him to smile at me. I needed him to talk to my ears off again.
"That's a start, right?" I asked.
"It is," he said gently.
I got lost for a moment. The fact that he was smiling again made me feel so much better...
"I'm sorry. I am. I wish I hadn't run away like that, but–"
He suddenly took my hand in his. He held it gently, rubbing his thumb over my fingers. I lost the words again.
"I know," he said quietly. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It happened, and I'm just glad you're all right. And I'm happy you came back to me."
I smiled back at him. "I wouldn't go anywhere else."
There was a lot of quiet staring going on, and this time I didn't mind the silence since his eyes were on me. I didn't need his words because his warm stare told me enough. I was so glad he wasn't mad at me or didn't hate me... I was also grateful for this opportunity to recollect my thoughts.
Because I wasn't done yet.
"I... You asked me once..." I muttered. "When we first met... At your bar. You asked a question. The answer is..." I looked at his hands. "I'm gay."
I felt something inside me when I spoke that word out loud. Something bad. Something I didn't like. But again, that wasn't my own feeling. It was what he had taught me to feel, so I tried my best to ignore it.
When I looked back up at Cole, he was still smiling.
"Please say something. I'm not used to being the one talking," I mumbled.
He chuckled lightly and shifted even closer to me. He lowered his gaze down to my hands, and he spent a moment studying my skin. I gave him his time to recollect his thoughts and simply enjoyed his fingers caressing the back of my hand.
He breathed out and slowly looked up at me. He was still smiling, but there was a lot of sadness in his eyes.
"I thought I lost you," he whispered. "I couldn't stop thinking... I thought you were going to... I'm still afraid."
"I won't hurt myself," I promised.
He nodded slowly, but his smile vanished now. He turned his attention back to my hand.
"When I saw you at the gym for the first time... I couldn't take my eyes off you. You're the hottest man I've ever met. I... I really wished I could ask you out, but I didn't have the guts... I feared your reaction. But then you stepped into my bar. And you let me offer you a drink. I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't believe my luck," he spoke softly, quietly.
I blushed lightly at his words. He thought I was hot...?
He glanced at me shortly, smiling a little, but it faded again, and he looked away. "But then I saw the fear in your eyes. I knew you'd been through pretty heavy shit in your life. I immediately knew I had to do something. I wanted to take that fear and pain away..."
"You have," I whispered. "Without you, I wouldn't have gotten this far. You've helped me so much..."
"It's been such a joy getting to watch you grow stronger. That fear in you has faded so much. It's still there, but..." he trailed off, looking up.
His eyes met mine, and this time, he didn't look away.
"I've seen how far you've come, but still, I should've been more careful. When you kissed me last night, I foolishly thought everything was fine now. I feel like I betrayed you, that I pushed you too far. That I took advantage of your condition," he said, his voice heavy. "I thought I made a horrible mistake that cost your life."
I shook my head. "Nothing like that. You didn't betray me. I was the one who kissed you, and I don't regret it, no matter what. It took me hours to come back to you because I do not regret it. You deserve better from me."
"No, you have nothing to–"
"Cole," I said, finally able to admit how much I loved saying his name. "I won't get better if I won't take steps in the right direction. This is the right direction. I just... didn't do it well."
He let out a long breath and gave me a small smile. "You are going in the right direction, but you don't have to hurry."
I wanted to say I'd be fine, but I suppose he was right.
"I'm just really sorry for making you worried," I said quietly. "I don't want to do that to you."
"I know," he said softly.
We both fell silent. I didn't mind as long as he was smiling at me. But too soon, he glanced at the clock and sighed.
"You must be tired. It's really late already," he said.
I shrugged. "I... I guess."
I just wanted to stay with him a little while longer.
"You're not?" he asked.
"To be honest, I... I don't want to be alone right now," I said, shocked that I was able to admit that to him.
"Well... We can sleep in the same room? I can bring a spare mattress in yours?" he suggested carefully.
I didn't have to think twice before replying to him.
"I'd like that," I said, smiling.
He smiled widely back at me, then ruffled his hair with an awkward grin. "I want to be honest... I think I'll sleep better if I'm close to you... You know... It's..."
"You're worried I'll run off again," I guessed.
It took him a moment before he nodded. "Yeah..."
"I don't mind. I know I lost your trust," I muttered.
"No, no, no, no... It's not that. I just... I'm still afraid," he admitted, his smile fading.
"I get it," I said. "I really do. And that way we both can get goodnight's sleep."
I really hated the idea of being alone. I'd been alone the entire day, and... I didn't want to spend the night alone as well.
A short moment later, I was sitting on my bed, watching in silence as Cole made a bed for himself in my room. There weren't that many words to be said. He was smiling at me the entire time, and that was enough for me. When he was done, he sat on the mattress and pulled the covers over his legs.
"If you need anything, I'm right here," he said with a smirk.
"Okay," I replied and lay down against my pillows, but I still kept watching him. "Goodnight, Cole."
"Goodnight," he said, his smile turning warmer.
And that made me smile, too.