-Randall-
I stayed up all night, staring at the ceiling, trying so hard not to think about what I'd done. I... No... I didn't... Yes I did... No! That was... That didn't happen!
Yes, it did.
I...
I had retreated into my room pretty soon after I had... done that... Cole had asked if I was all right before going to bed, and I lied to him. Well, I had no idea if it was a lie when I said I was good. Maybe? No? Yes? No?
I wasn't sure what I was expecting. I tried so hard to hold on to my own voice. I did my hardest to remember why I'd... why I had kissed Cole.
I did that... I really did.
But at the same time, I could feel things crawling on my skin, nasty things. The silence in the room was practically begging for my father to start yelling at me. Part of me was afraid of his words. Part of me was afraid of the silence. Eventually, I didn't want to hear even my own voice. I needed the silence. I didn't want to deal with anything. I didn't want to deal with what I'd done.
When the morning arrived, I stayed in my bed, still fighting. I heard Cole getting up. I didn't even breathe as I listened to the sounds he made. I could hear him stop behind my door after he got out of his room. The feeling of something crawling on my skin returned as I waited for him to do something... wishing he didn't knock on my door.
He didn't. He continued his way to the kitchen. I let out a deep breath. I was so goddamn grateful he left me alone. I really couldn't face him. I wasn't sure if I could face him ever again. Or if I even wanted to.
I...
Suddenly, I couldn't stay still anymore. His presence was getting unbearable. I couldn't stand the idea of seeing him. He would eventually knock on my door and ask if I was all right. I couldn't do that. I didn't want to see him.
I didn't want to face anything.
When I heard the shower being turned on, I acted. I didn't even think about what I was doing when I got dressed as fast as I could. I just had to get out. I hurried to the front door, making sure Cole couldn't hear me as I put my shoes on...
And left.
The next hour was a blur to me. I just walked, trying to get as far away from him as I could. I refused to let a single thought appear in my mind. I couldn't deal with any of it. I just wanted it all to stop.
But it was I who had to stop.
I'd reached a river, and I stopped to stare at it. I wasn't sure where I was. Not in the city, that was for sure. I only saw trees around me. There were no pathways anywhere to be seen, only the one made by animals under my feet. I didn't care how I got there. I just wanted to be left completely alone, and now I was. I heard nothing over the water running past me. For a while, I just watched it, unable to form a single thought.
I really didn't want to think, but I had no such luck.
The first thought that slipped past my blockade was Cole. He was probably worried after finding his apartment empty, but I... I didn't want to deal with any of it. I couldn't. It all was just too overwhelming, and I wished I could turn back time so I could stop everything from happening.
But I couldn't. Instead, I sat down on the ground, leaned against a tree, and continued staring at the river, trying to push Cole out of my head. Every time I thought I had managed to do so, he stepped right back in to bother me. Why couldn't he just leave me alone...?
I didn't want any of it.
It... That corner. The one where Cole was.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I still didn't want to deal with any of it, but little by little, the idea of that corner started to... I wasn't sure what, but I couldn't fight so hard against that thought anymore. It was slowly gaining my attention, and as it was doing so, I started feeling calmer.
There was no pain in that corner...
I took another deep breath and opened my eyes. What was I afraid of? I knew the answer already. I'd had this conversation with myself plenty of times already, so why was I still afraid? Was I even afraid? Or was I just... What? Stuck?
Maybe?
I was developing a massive headache. I rubbed my temples, feeling agitated and ready to jump into the river and let it wash me away so I could get away from everything. But at the same time, another thought or a feeling started asking for my attention.
Cole was probably getting sick with worry. I still couldn't even consider returning to him. I was unable to even think about getting up. I felt bad for leaving like that, but staying hadn't been an option. And I couldn't return to him, not yet.
"All right..." I muttered to myself. I couldn't return to Cole as this fucking mess. "Okay..."
Nothing bad was going to happen. Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. I focused on that for a long, long time, trying to convince myself, no matter how hard it was. I had to convince myself. I had to remember I was in no danger because of what Cole and I did last night... I couldn't keep escaping these things anymore. For my sake, and especially Cole's.
Because we kissed. I kissed him. Twice. And then I just awkwardly disappeared, and now I ran away. Cole deserved better, and I already knew what I wanted, so I shouldn't try to escape reality anymore. The only reason I was escaping was that fucking man I'd had to call my father.
And I knew where I needed to start. I leaned my head against the tree, still looking at the river, but I didn't really see it. I was looking at the few memories I had left from the time before my hell began. I didn't want to remember any of it, but there were still a few things I hadn't been able to forget.
That moment when I was thirteen or fourteen. When I'd looked at a guy who was a few years older than me... and found him... attractive.
I shivered when I let that memory emerge. I had grown to hate that moment with burning passion. I couldn't even remember the guy's name – I barely even knew him – but I had wished for his death countless times, like everything that had happened was somehow his fault. I'd made myself believe that if he hadn't existed, none of this would've happened.
Of course, it wasn't his fault, and that was where I needed to start if I ever wanted to have that corner with Cole, but admitting the truth after all this time... I had dedicated my entire life fighting against that truth, pretending it didn't even exist.
I breathed out and watched the river for a moment, letting myself get used to that memory. I didn't find the guy attractive anymore. Maybe it was the years I'd spent hating him, or the fact that he was still a minor in the memory, or that Cole was... well... At least I didn't hate him anymore. Nothing that had happened to me was his fault. It wasn't my fault either.
It was my father's fault. The hell I lived through was all his fault, every single bit of it. He started it. His actions started it. His hate started it.
So... The guy who opened my eyes was not at fault. And he really did open my eyes. Girls... They never interested me. I'd already been taught that it was wrong for a guy to not find girls attractive, so I kept it to myself, never saying a word about it to anyone. I had already learned to live in fear long before Dad hit me for the first time.
But I was a growing kid with growing curiosity... A hormonal sixteen-year-old.
I closed my eyes again. I wasn't sure if I could continue living through those memories, but after a moment of gathering my courage and spending another one telling myself I was safe, I looked back at the still normal teenager.
The one that dreamed of finding love. As a gay boy.
I inhaled sharply, but let the air come out slowly. Part of me expected to feel pain at that moment, but it never happened. He would never be able to lay his fingers on me. I wouldn't let him.
That was all that boy ever knew. Pain. And all he wanted was love. To think it had been years since the last time I even saw my father, and yet I could still feel the pain he'd caused. It had taken me this long to even think about getting out of that mold Dad shoved me in. After three years of living in that hell, it had taken me six years to get to this point.
Nine years... Dad stole nine years of my life. He stole everything from me. My freedom, my will, my sanity, my future, my identity.
Everything.
But now I was getting it all back.
I wasn't sure how long I sat there, reliving some of the most painful memories in my past, trying to find... something. Closure? Hope? I had no idea. The longer I spent there, the easier it became to face the things that had happened to me, which was a bit of a surprise. I couldn't even hear my dad shouting at me, not even once. I hadn't even realized how much better I already was, and how effective were the tools I had received to get better. If I got too overwhelmed or scared, I reminded myself of why I was doing this.
That gay boy deserved to find happiness and love. That corner with Cole.
It wasn't just a corner. It wasn't a corner. It was a life. A full, beautiful life. All I needed to do was accept it. All I needed was to stay strong and grow even stronger.
It was hours later when I finally stood up and turned my back on the river. When I started walking, hoping I was heading in the right direction, I could almost feel big chunks of that fake person Dad had created crumbling off me. I felt stronger again. I would be me again. I could hear myself louder than ever before.
Myself. Me. A gay man.