-Randall-
Cole had to be at work, so I was once again facing a day in the backroom of his bar. I spent a long time just staring at TV, not actually watching it. I was... listening to myself. I'd been doing that a lot during the past week after I confessed to Cole that I wanted... him.
That was what Vaughn wanted me to do. Talk to myself. To learn to hear my own voice under the shit that was my father. That was the latest task the old man had given me. It was stupid. No, it was goddamn stupid. Now I had to talk to myself. Wasn't the whole idea of going to therapy to make me not crazy?
I sighed, shaking my head, trying to stop feeling like a complete idiot.
To be fair... This would've been a hell of a lot harder a mere week ago. I'd had a lot of time to let things sink in. Things, as in the words I told Cole. That I wanted him. It still made me cringe, but...
I peered at him through the partly open door. He was chatting with a customer in his cheerful manner. When the guy left, Cole turned to look over his shoulder, and our eyes immediately met. He gave me a warm smile, took a quick look around before walking to the door.
"You need anything?" he asked as he stepped in and made his way to me on the couch.
"I'm good," I told him, focusing on the warmth of his body after he sat down.
There was enough room on the couch, but he still sat down so close our legs touched. He placed his arm on the backrest behind me, crossing his legs in a way his foot touched my shins. His scent was all over me and I could feel his eyes on me. He'd done that a lot lately – surrounding me with his body.
"You sure?" he asked.
He was so close I could feel his breath on me as he spoke.
"I'm..." I had to stop to get a hold of myself before I could continue. "I'm sure. I'm good."
"Good," he whispered, his hand climbing up on my shoulder behind my back.
This wouldn't be happening if I hadn't told him what I wanted. It was still hard to admit it, but... I liked the way he acted around me now. He'd just walk up to me and start slowly wrapping himself around me, or me in his arms. He'd always give me time to back away or tell him no, but I never did. I didn't have a reason to turn him down.
Because this was exactly what I wanted. That was what I'd learned by listening to myself.
"We never decided what we'll do once we get back home," Cole murmured, caressing my neck.
"It'll be pretty late... Maybe just a movie?" I suggested, leaning a little closer to him.
"Good choice. We could order pizza too."
"Have we not eaten enough pizza? We haven't even been to the gym in a while. We'll get fat," I replied, not actually caring how either of us looked.
"I love the way you say we," he chuckled, taking my hand carefully in his.
"Are you trying to change the subject?" I asked, feeling a little awkward now, but that wasn't because of me – it was because of Dad.
"Yes, I am," he purred, rubbing my fingers.
"You just want pizza."
He smiled and leaned in to whisper in my ear, "I want you."
Whatever thoughts I had in my mind, they simply left, leaving me frozen in my seat. I stared at our joined hands, suddenly feeling the need to get fresh air. I did my best to ignore it. That wasn't my voice, after all. What I, the real me, wanted was far from fresh air, so I did my best to fight against the person Dad had created.
It was getting easier, too... I'd grown to fear loneliness. I'd grown to fear my old apartment. I'd grown to fear the corner I'd hid in for so many years, never feeling anything, only waiting for death.
A short moment later, Cole had to get back to work, and I spent the rest of his shift staring into nothingness, listening to myself.
After Cole was free to go home, we went for a short walk around the block. It was dark already, and the streets were quieting down. The air was chilly, but refreshing. Neither of us talked much, and for a moment, I was worried over Cole's silence. It was always unnatural.
But when I looked at him, he had a warm, lazy smile on his lips as he watched me. I had to look away to catch my breath. He was just so...
And when he smiled...
Especially at me...
Once we got back home, Cole ordered the food and we both took quick showers. While we waited for the pizza, we built a comfortable nest on his couch with pillows and blankets.
"A pajama party," Cole smirked when we were done.
"You want a pillow fight?" I asked.
"I do feel like a teenage girl today," he snickered.
"You're far from one," I said, eyeing his still impressive physique – he was losing his muscle mass at a much slower pace than I was.
"By the way, are you working out behind my back?" I squinted my eyes at him.
"What? No," he chuckled. "You've seen the boxes I need to carry at work."
"Hmmh..."
"Do you want to start working out again?" he asked, sitting down on the couch, patting the spot next to him.
I shrugged as I did as he wanted. "Maybe. I'm kind of getting bored just sitting around."
"Then let's hit the gym," he said, and after a short pause, he added, "On Monday."
I raised my eyebrow at him in amusement. "Are we getting lazy?"
He laughed, putting his arm around my shoulders to pull me tightly against him. "Did I already tell you how much I love it when you say we?"
His words made me flustered.
We started watching the movie, and the pizza arrived half an hour later. I mostly focused on the TV, but every now and then, and especially after we ate, Cole stole my attention. I had the feeling he wasn't actually watching the film.
It began with him slowly wrapping himself around me: arm around my shoulders, knee resting on my legs, his body turned toward me... When I finally managed to turn my attention back to the movie, he started caressing my shoulder, sometimes gently, sometimes more demandingly. After a while, I started feeling comfortable again and turned my body ever so slightly toward his, and he immediately took my hand in his.
He seemed content with that and gave me a whopping thirty minutes to enjoy the movie before he grew restless again. He stole glimpses of me, and every time he did, his hold on me grew tighter for a moment. I lost my focus soon.
I looked at him, and he smiled. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but I didn't dare to ask. I wasn't afraid of his answer. More like... I wasn't sure if I could handle it. What he wanted was written all over his face, but the idea of hearing it out loud was... scary.
So, I just rested my head on his shoulder, so I wouldn't have to see his face anymore. He hugged me tightly, letting out a content breath just like he always did when I let him hold me. I stared in front of me, pretending to watch the damn movie. In reality, my mind was closing in on the thought of what could happen next – the one I had tried my best to avoid.
I wasn't ready. Or was I? No. Absolutely not. That would mean... That would be yet another piece of proof that I was... What I was not supposed to be.
Guys didn't do that with other guys.
Wrong voice again. I scolded myself for letting Dad slide in with his unwanted comments. I was supposed to be better than that. Stronger than that.
Guys did a lot of things with other guys. Men were free to do whatever they wanted with other men.
And I... I had to admit... That idea had been there, constantly begging for my attention for the past week. I'd ignored it so vigorously that sometimes my brain felt like it was bleeding. But... I shouldn't be trying to ignore it, right? We both wanted the same thing, and I had nothing to be afraid of. I'd already admitted I wanted him, so the next natural step...
I mean, the next step was kind of the whole point. Telling him I wanted him wasn't the final goal. That was only the beginning.
Was it even that scary? I'd told Cole how I felt and nothing bad happened. Of course nothing bad happened because Cole was there to keep me safe and the thing I was afraid of was locked up far away from me.
I was supposed to listen to my own voice, no one else's.
Carefully, I looked up at Cole again. His face was close to mine since he'd never looked away from me. He'd never stopped smiling at me. His hand on my shoulder had never stopped caressing me, and he still held my hand in his.
Even more carefully, I lowered my gaze to see his lips. He had narrow lips...
Maybe he knew what I was thinking, since he pulled me closer ever-so-gently, lowering his chin. When he moved his head toward me, his nose brushed my cheek.
I could turn away...
I had all the time to turn away...
I didn't.
Instead, I moved my head up, leaning in to press my lips on his. I froze to my spot, and he did too. I guess we both were a bit surprised it happened. My mind was silent, with only one thought present...
He had soft lips.
He brushed his lower lip against mine, sending new sensations down my body. It was still eerily silent in my head. He did it again, and somehow, I managed to mimic his movement. He suddenly pulled away just enough to part our lips. He had a happy, but timid look in his eyes.
And he was still smiling... As the seconds passed, his smile grew wider.
"Did that just...?" he asked breathlessly.
I nodded a little.
"Are you...? You didn't...?" he seemed to be at a loss for words.
I didn't have any either, so I just shrugged. He didn't look like he knew what to do with my answer. Doubt started spreading on his face. Doubt and regret. I could tell he was afraid he'd pushed me too far.
"I didn't mean to–"
I still had no words to speak, so I pressed my lips back on his to silence him. To assure him everything was all right.
This was the next step, after all. The one I'd been fighting for ever since I met him.
When I pulled back, the doubt on Cole's face had vanished. Instead, he looked at me with a soft, goofy smile on his lips. He seemed speechless. It would've been scary without that happy expression on his face.
"So..." I muttered, feeling my entire face turning red.
"I mean..." he suddenly said, taking a deep breath. "Wow."
"Wow?" I repeated.
"Uh-huh," he said, laughed a little, tousled his hair and resumed staring at me. "Just... wow."
I nodded slowly. "Indeed."
"Words, right?" he said with a chuckle.
"Now you know what I have to deal with..." I muttered, feeling so goddamn awkward, but... not in a bad way.
"Words are overrated, anyway," he joked. And then stared at me some more.
I stared right back at him. I didn't have the courage to think about what I just did. It scared the shit out of me.
And suddenly, it really scared the shit out of me.