-Randall-
After paying for the clothes, we left the shop and continued our way. Cole was still talking about the shirts, but I wasn't really listening. The image of him wearing that tight shirt wasn't leaving me alone. I kept stealing glances of him. It was annoying the crap out of me, but I couldn't stop.
"Here we are," he suddenly spoke and came to a halt.
I looked at the shop next to us, and just seeing it made me uncomfortable enough. Home décor. It was big and bright and full of females. I could only see a few guys following their partners between the shelves, looking annoyed and bored.
"Do you want to go–" Cole began speaking, but I turned my back on the store and went to sit down on a bench at the opposite side of the hallway, "–check it out..."
I needed a breather. Cole walked to me slowly and sat down as well, leaving enough room in between us. He didn't say anything, so I assumed he knew I wasn't doing too good.
"I'll just..."
I'll just what?
"Take your time," he murmured quietly. "We can leave too if you want."
I'll just what exactly? What did I want? There was no way I was stepping foot in that store. I wasn't a... I wasn't...
...a what?
"Why is it so colorful?" I asked with a sigh, rubbing the bridge of my nose.
"People like colors," Cole replied.
"Well I don't..." I muttered.
"Because you're a cat."
I glanced at him. He was smirking at me.
"Exactly," I snorted, but turned to look at the store again.
I could spot a lot of shiny, sparkling vases, candleholders and other decorations, colorful pillows and blankets, mirrors, stools, whatever. The women were carrying massive bags when they stepped out, gushing over their purchases. That place was not for me.
And the empty, cold, colorless apartment was? Was that what I wanted?
No.
No.
I stood up, Cole following me right behind.
"So... We're...?"
"I won't be an empty shell," I spoke out loud, ignoring the voice of my father when I took the first steps toward the store.
The second I stepped in, I had to stop. Was I seeing things or were they all staring at me? They were. They clearly were. I could almost hear them wondering why I was there. This was not a place for a man. I just wanted to turn around and leave, but...
"Fucking sissy!"
I blinked and looked away from the people. I just wanted to leave... I wanted to leave. I wanted to...
I wanted...
My hands were shaking.
If he saw me in that place...
"I hope they kill you!"
I let out a long breath and looked down at a desk next to me. There was a candle holder made of little pieces of mirrored glass. The bright lights above my head flickered on its surface. I touched it gently but didn't dare to pick it up.
He would've beaten the crap out of me if he'd seen me in a place like that. Especially with another man. Especially if he knew why we were there. I still remembered the pain...
That was why I felt so bad there. Part of me still expected to see him there, standing behind me, balling his fists.
Just a voice in my head anymore.
I took a deep breath, then another. He was not there. He was locked up and far away from me. And even if he did somehow appear behind me at this very moment...
I looked up at Cole. I'd seen him hit a punching bag at the gym, knowing I wasn't the only person there deciding never to piss him off.
Something else clicked in my head.
The irony. Dad had wanted me to be big and strong like a man, like he was. But Cole was bigger and stronger. A gay man was bigger and stronger...
Cole gave me a small smile and stepped between two shelves, turning his attention to the vases on it. I watched him for a while. Being in a store like this didn't seem to bother him at all. He picked up a few of the vases, checking the price tags. Vases. For flowers.
"Do you think the bar is a bit... barren?" he suddenly asked.
"Huh?"
"I haven't had any time to think about how I want it to look. There's no... soul, you know?"
I just stared at him for another moment. "Huh?"
He chuckled lightly and showed two of the vases: a black, rectangular one, and a round blue one. "I want to redecorate the place now since I can finally afford it. My dream is to give it a whole new makeover, change everything – tables, chairs, the counter, the walls – but I can't decide what to do. Black and sleek and sterile, or something more homey?"
"Homey," I said without even thinking about it.
"Homey," he repeated gently, looking at the blue one. "I guess there's no soul in sterile," he added with a chuckle.
I thought about my own home. "There really isn't..." I muttered.
It was his turn to watch me for a moment. Then he put the vases away and took a careful step toward me.
"We'll find your soul," he said quietly.
"Cats have no soul," I told him, nearly turning my back on him.
"They do," he said with a smile, touching my arm lightly. "And yours is already showing. You've already given me hints and glimpses of what it's like."
"Bullshit – I have no soul," I scoffed.
He laughed a little. "Dramatic – that's the fourth hint."
I hesitated for a moment, but I had to ask, "What are the other three?"
He leaned closer to me. "Curious. That was the second one. Kind was the first one. Playful is the third."
"Like I said: bullshit, especially the third one," I told him.
"Says the guy who keeps referring to himself as a cat," he said, raising his eyebrow at me in amusement.
I stared at him. "Whatever, but I'm not kind either."
"Uh-huh," he smirked.
I snorted and turned my back on him. I was not being dramatic!
And then I saw it. A cat. A decoration of a sleeping black cat right in front of me. Several of them, actually, but the first one was at the edge of the shelf, its back paw hanging off the edge. I forgot Cole's words and walked to the cat, touching it lightly.
I don't know why, but I picked it up, studying its sleeping face and curled tail. It looked so peaceful and comfortable. For a decoration made of plastic.
Cole stepped next to me and touched its head.
"He's cute," he said quietly.
"It's a decoration," I muttered. "I don't think he – it – has a gender."
"Sure he does," Cole smiled at me. "He's definitely male."
"You're so weird sometimes," I noted.
"Welcome to the big strange world of objects having feelings," he said. "I think you should take him home."
"Yeah?"
"Definitely," he said encouragingly.
I studied the cat even closer, spotting a lot of details from the fur pattern to a small missing spot of paint next to his ear – someone must've handled him roughly during shipment – and suddenly, putting him back down wasn't an option.
So instead, I looked up to find the checkout, only to notice the stares we were still receiving. I realized they must've heard at least parts of our conversation, so I hastily looked away.
"I can pay for it if you want to step out," Cole suggested, but I shook my head.
"It's mine," I said, not really understanding myself at the moment. "I want to pay for it. For him."
I ignored the looks and marched to the cashier. A male cashier. I must've looked like an idiot as I stood there, staring at him.
"Sir?" the cashier smiled in a questioning manner, reaching for the cat when I wasn't moving.
"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling an embarrassed blush creeping up on my cheeks as I gave it to him.
While he was ringing it in, I turned to search for Cole, and found him waiting for me only a few steps behind. He flashed a smile at me.
"That'll be 9.99 dollars."
"Sure," I muttered, taking my wallet and handing him cash.
"Would you like a bag?"
"Sure..."
I watched him put the cat in the bag. I had so many things going in my head that I couldn't quite make out any of it. But one thing was sure: I wasn't feeling that bad anymore.
A short moment later, when we stepped out of the store, Cole asked if I wanted to go home or go grab something to eat.
"I... Home..." I muttered.
I didn't have energy left to stay there for much longer.
"Okay," Cole said with a smile.
As I followed him to the exit, I stole a glimpse of him. I hesitated for a while, keeping my head down.
"I..." He'd want to hear it, right? "I just... don't want to ruin this... I... I had fun..." I muttered, running out of mental strength mid-sentence.
"Aight," he said with a warm voice. "I feel like ordering pizza, anyway."
I nodded. "I feel like that too."
He turned to look at me and gently nudged my side. "I had fun too."
I could tell he was in a cheery mood. He absolutely talked my ears off on our way home. Even his step seemed somehow cheery. Such an odd man.
I wanted to be more like him.
Once we got home, Cole led me into the living room and made me stand in the middle of it.
"Aight! Where should we put him?" Cole asked.
"You mean the cat?" I asked slowly. "I'll just keep it in the bag..."
"No, no, no, no," he said, looking horrified. "He should be here with us! You can't abandon him in a bag!"
Somehow, he made me feel bad for the cat. I took it from the bag, but I still wasn't sure where to put it. Him. I mean, this wasn't my home...
"How about here?" Cole asked, making room in the middle of his big bookshelf. "He can watch over the house from here."
"You're so weird," I muttered, but walked next to him, and placed the cat on the shelf. "Next you're probably making me give him a name..."
"Oh, you know I will," he smirked.
I shook my head and turned to look at the cat again. He did look comfortable in that specific spot.
"Now you have something personal," Cole said quietly, carefully placing his hand on my back. When I let it stay there, he found the courage to continue talking. "I think you never were an empty shell, by the way. I think your soul was just trapped, but it is coming out already. And it's beautiful. I can already see that."
I glanced at him shortly, feeling awkward. And... Something else.
Something quite else.