-Randall-
I guess visiting the mall was a good idea. I hadn't been outside Cole's place just for the fun of it, so being able to walk around the city without dreading my appointment with Vaughn did good for my head. And the fact that Cole was in high spirits made me feel good, too.
He talked the entire way to the mall, sometimes not stopping to even take a breath. I didn't know why or how, but that still impressed me. It also meant I didn't have to even try to say anything, not even if I wanted to, since there simply wasn't any room for me to speak.
But by the time we reached the mall, he was running out of words. Or voice. Or both.
"Should we just walk around and see if there's anything interesting?" he asked when we stepped in.
"Sure," I said as I looked around.
I'd visited the place maybe twice, even though it wasn't that far away from my block, and even then, I'd only gotten what I needed and headed out straight away. Hanging out in a mall really wasn't my thing. I mean, I was pretty sure it wasn't my thing. Maybe. How the hell I was supposed to know if it was my thing? Did it matter?
I let Cole lead the way. The place was huge and filled with so many stores I'd never even heard of. Cole, on the other hand, seemed much more familiar with the place. And definitely a lot more confident being there. Eventually, I had to force myself to pay more attention to the place instead of peering at Cole whenever he couldn't see me.
I tried to act as confidently as he did as we walked slowly past the shops. Every now and then, he slowed down to take a look at the clothing stores, and stopped in front of the fourth one we encountered.
"I kind of need new shirts for work," he told me. "Would you mind if I go take a look? There's a big sale going on."
"Sure. I guess I need new clothes too. The ones back at my place smelled like shit," I told him.
"Yeah, I noticed..." He smirked. "Come. I really like this place. They have really cool clothes."
"You... care about looking cool?" I spoke, sounding stupid even in my own ears.
"Yeah, who doesn't?" he asked as we stepped in.
"Well... Me? They're just clothes to keep you warm," I mumbled.
"Let me try to convince you otherwise," he said, stopping by a rack full of T-shirts. "You like darker colors, right?"
"I wish I knew," I muttered, already feeling like this was going to be a disaster.
"All the clothes you have are black or dark gray," he noted.
"They were cheap," I told him. "That's all that matters to me. Mattered to me..."
"Right," he said, still looking confident. "What's your size? Do you see anything interesting?"
I had to take a deep breath. I kind of wanted to walk out. Simple black clothes were good enough, but... he seemed excited about it.
"I suppose..." I mumbled, taking a closer look at the shirts. "I honestly don't know."
"Would you mind if I picked something for you?"
I stopped to stare at him for a short moment, feeling awkward.
"I... Fine..." I mumbled, trying to understand why his question had made me feel awkward.
He just wanted to help me find clothes, that's all... No, wait... This was a familiar scene... From the time I had a girlfriend. I vividly remembered standing there, next to the rack, just as uninterested as I was now while she tried to pick a shirt for me.
"What's your size?"
I could hear both Cole's and Nicole's voices. He even looked at me the same questioning way she had looked at me.
"I... Can't remember," I muttered, the need to walk out growing more intense.
"Are you a fucking squealing pig?!"
I didn't flinch this time. I stood there, biting my teeth together, staring at Cole. I wanted to walk away. I had to walk away, or things would get really bad really fast for me...
"I like shirts with long hems," I told Cole, forcing the words out. "It's so annoying when my back gets exposed..."
"Aight," he said and smiled at me, sizing me up for a bit. "I think you're the same size as me."
"Maybe a bit smaller," I said. "Though I don't mind big shirts... More comfortable."
"See? You already know something you prefer," he told me, grabbing two different shirts.
"Fucking sissy!"
"Yeah, I suppose," I breathed out.
"You fucking whore!"
Cole walked around the rack and stopped in front of me, showing the shirts. The other one was dark green with white stripes on the left side that formed the head of a lion. The other one was gray with a picture of a massive cross with wings on the back.
"Which one do you prefer?"
"These both are quite..." I trailed off, not really used to wearing something so... excessive. "I guess I could take both?" I asked, just to humor him.
"But you didn't tell me which one you prefer," he said encouragingly.
"I... Uh... The lion," I said, Dad still yelling in my head. "The cross is... a bit too much."
"Aight," he said and put the gray one away.
I took the other one from him and stared at the picture. It was just a shirt... There was no need to have a meltdown over it.
"I bet it looks good on you," Cole said tentatively.
"Fucking pig!"
I still stared at the picture, but did not really see it. I saw the empty apartment. My apartment. How easy it would be to go back to that empty life where I didn't have to be afraid of a man I'd never see again. He'd stop yelling at me because he would finally have full control over me again. That was why he was screaming in my ears right now. He was trying to push me back into his mold. Or at least he'd try if he were actually there with me.
But he was not there. That voice was just my imagination. Something I had taught myself to do in order to survive. That was what Vaughn would say.
"I think I like this one," I muttered, using a lot of energy to do so.
It was like something just... clicked. Vaughn's words. He had tried to tell me it was just in my head, but I hadn't had the strength to listen or even understand. Not really. There was no pain anymore. No need for fear. I wanted to understand that now.
All because of a fucking T-shirt.
"Do you want to try it on?" Cole asked, and I looked up at him.
He had a warm smile on his lips. He was watching me closely. It was making me feel odd.
I turned to look away, and my eyes landed on the rack. I stepped next to it and slowly started going through the shirts.
"I should pick a few, right?" I asked.
"Yeah, good idea. Then you can try them on in one go," he said.
I'd never done this before. Maybe back when I was a teenager, before the hell broke loose. But those were memories I wasn't ready to go through. I wasn't strong enough just yet.
I stopped moving the shirts out of the way and stopped to take a better look at one of them. A simple black one with red seams. I suppose it wasn't much of an improvement from my normal shirts, but...
"This one too," I said, and Cole helped me to find the right size.
After I'd went through that rack, I turned to look around the store, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. There were quite a lot of clothes... I looked down at the two I had in my hands. If they fit, I didn't need more, right?
"I think this is enough," I said quietly.
"Two is good," Cole said reassuringly. "I'll go see if I can find something for myself."
I tagged along as he browsed through the rest of the racks. There were a few more shirts that gained my attention, but I decided to stick with two.
Once he had found something he liked, we headed to the dressing room. It was such an odd experience for me, being surrounded by mirrors. Getting dressed in the lion shirt made me feel awkward, especially when I turned around to look at myself. At least the shirt was the right size. That was all I could tell.
"Does it fit?" Cole asked behind the door.
Was I supposed to let him see it on me? Wasn't this a girly thing to do? Guys didn't ask for opinions, right?
I shook my head, trying to tell myself not to go down that path. I had no idea if the shirt looked decent on me, so I needed his opinion. That's it.
I opened the door and stepped out to let him decide.
"Like I said," he said, smiling at me. "It looks good on you."
He was also wearing one of the shirts he'd picked. A white one with gray splatters all over it. It seemed a bit too small for him. Or maybe he wanted it to look like that? I mean, I could see every single curve on his body... Maybe that was the whole point?
"You like this?" he asked, turning around.
"Yeah. It looks..." I trailed off, feeling nervous. "It looks good on you."
Why on earth did I say that out loud...?
"Thanks," he said, his smile growing warmer.
I nodded, but then I had to retreat back into the dressing room. And I needed to take a few deeper breaths. My head was almost spinning all of a sudden. And there was something weird happening in my chest and stomach.
I closed my eyes, but the image of him didn't fade...
He did look...
He did look good.