-Cole-
"I'm so fucking losing it..."
At that moment, when Randall told me he was losing it the day before, I thought things were going to get really rough. Last time he was that scared, he nearly ended his life. I was out of my mind, not knowing what to do or how to help him. I'd never forget his wide, red, scared eyes... I could still hear his weak voice cracking in fear like it had happened only a minute ago.
I thought we'd end up battling for a knife again.
"Please, make it stop..."
I wished I could make it stop so badly it hurt. It hurt so fucking much to see him so scared. How could I make it stop? I didn't even fully understand what was wrong, and what it was that I needed to stop.
With no idea what else to do, I'd followed my instincts. I'd hoped holding him would give him the comfort he needed, or that I was at least strong enough to hold him still if he panicked. I tried to be extra careful when I wrapped my arms around him as he stood there, looking at me with pleading eyes. I hoped I wasn't pushing him, because holding him was all I could do for him at that moment... I was so afraid I was doing something wrong...
But I'd panicked for nothing. He let me comfort him. His body relaxed in my arms. He even hugged me back. I still couldn't believe how fast he'd calmed down. He trusted me. He really did trust me, right? He wouldn't have calmed down so quickly if he didn't trust me, right?
I was happy I was able to calm him down, but it hurt so much to see him like that... so scared and lost... He was afraid of emotions and feelings to the point he panicked because of them.
I hated his father even more. How could anyone want to destroy such an amazing spirit? But he was doing so much better now.
"I'd rather be a cat..."
I could already see his nature, and it was beautiful. It was exciting. I could see a glimpse of playfulness under all the pain and terror he'd been forced to live through. I was honored to get to see that, to be the person he was willing to show his true self. He was letting me see the spark he still carried within.
But I feared something would take that spark away...
I'd hated the idea of us returning to Randall's place, especially so soon after his breakdown only a day before. I had that horrifying feeling that he wasn't well enough to go home, that something terrible would happen. I feared it was too much. I feared he'd panic again, and then...
What if he'd try it again...? To end his life...? What if I did something wrong again? What if I pushed him again, and then...
And I'd been right about not letting him go back home. At least he stayed calm, but his eyes... I'd seen the old fear in them. He was uncomfortable in his own home, and it was clear he couldn't stay there, or it would only get worse. Seeing him like that hurt so much I wanted to drag him right back out and forbid him from ever returning to that cold, empty place.
I was glad he didn't want to stay there for long, either. I was even happier when he said he needed to start paying rent. Not because of the money, but because he was willing to stay with me. He wanted to stay with me. Perhaps even permanently if he was talking about rents...
He said he liked my home...
I couldn't stop thinking about that even when I showed him all the stuff I had in my home and kept talking his ears off like he wanted. His mood was slowly coming back up as he listened in silence while I told him about my family, our trips, and the countless souvenirs I had on my shelves.
How he was able to listen to me ramble about random things for hours without getting bored was beyond me, but a thought occurred to me when I sat down next to him and showed him a statue of Venus my mom had bought years ago.
"Do you... still want to travel?" he asked quietly, almost timidly, like asking such things was somehow bad in his mind.
These little questions he'd started asking...
"I love traveling," I told him with a smile. "Have you traveled anywhere?"
He shook his head.
"Would you like to?"
He shrugged.
All this time, I'd thought I was merely talking his ears off, fearing I was boring him to death, but maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe he enjoyed conversations, but was too timid to take part in them. He didn't know how to talk, but he was trying. He was interested in what I said. He was asking questions now.
Was he actually a chatty person too, but that horrible man had smothered that side of him?
After I continued pointing out random stuff to him, I paid much closer attention to his body language. And my god, I got mad at myself. He was being livelier. He was trying to take part in our conversations, but using words was still too exhausting for him.
He was taking part in our conversations in his own way. How many hints and cues had I missed because I'd not paid close enough attention to his body language?
His eyes did most of the talking. Eyes and brows. Frowning, raising brows, squinting... There was so much going on while I talked. He reacted with his posture, hands, and breathing as well. Obviously, I'd noticed some of it, but I never realized just how important his body language was. It showed so much more than just his moods.
Learning this was a relief. Since he didn't talk much, I'd been worried he didn't like having me around, or that he'd rather not stay in my apartment. But this... Now... I could feel an actual connection between us. I couldn't just imagine it all, right? All those hugs and whispering touches couldn't be just my imagination, right?
Maybe I wasn't just imagining him being interested in spending time with me.
When I finally ran out of things to talk about, I went to sit down next to him. He was still holding Venus. He gave me a short look, but then turned his gaze to the statue. I just watched him, not wanting to break the silence. He was so relaxed... But my silent stare was probably making him uncomfortable, so...
"Are you feeling better?" I asked.
He took a deep breath and nodded slowly, putting the statue away. "I hate feelings..."
I smiled at his remark. He did look a bit annoyed.
"But..." he murmured, looking around in the living room. "I don't..."
He trailed off again and stood up to walk to the closest bookcase. I followed him closely. His eyes turned sad as he studied my shelves, not touching anything.
"It was so empty..." he finally whispered.
"Your apartment?"
"Me. Everything. My life..." He glanced at me shortly. I could see an array of emotions going through his eyes. "I don't want to go back to that."
"I know," I said, carefully touching his back. "I can't say this will be easy, but I promise I will be here for you, no matter what. I will give you everything you need. I want to take your pain away. I want to take away everything you're afraid of. I wish... I wish I could take all the bad things away."
If only I could find strong enough words to describe how much I wanted to ease his pain and fear...
He watched me in silence, then looked away and nodded. I didn't know what was going on in his mind, but I hoped he knew I was dead serious.
"Patience, huh...?" he murmured.
"I'm afraid so," I said quietly.
He sighed again and stopped to stare into nothingness. I wished he wasn't in his memories... He looked so dead like that.
"Everything will be all right," I told him, inching closer to him. "You are safe here. Nothing bad can get to you. I will not let anything bad get to you."
"I know."
I smiled at him when he looked at me, but again, he kept his eyes on me only for a short moment. He slowly turned around, taking a better look at my home, like he'd never seen it before.
"You have a lot of stuff in here..." he noted, glancing at me so shortly I would've missed it if I hadn't paid close attention to him.
I chuckled at his words, but then my amusement faded away. "Is that bothering you?"
"No," he said. "I just never realized it. Not until I saw my own place again... It's... quite the difference."
Even thinking about his place made me shiver. It had a lot to do with the knife still lying on his kitchen counter, though. But his apartment sure was cold. Barren. Empty. I couldn't imagine anyone feeling well in a place like that.
"You don't have to step foot in that place ever again if you don't want to," I told him. "You are welcome to stay here. Permanently."
He glanced at me. "I really do need to start paying rent."
I smiled at his words. "We can talk about that later. Let's just focus on your wellbeing for now."
"You're not going to let me pay for my share, am I right?" he asked, and to me, his voice sounded playful.
"Let's just focus on your wellbeing for now," I repeated with a smirk.
He shook his head in defeat, but with a smile playing in the corners of his eyes. Now that... Man... I just knew his spark would be beautiful, when he was ready to fully let me see it.