-Randall-
I wasn't good company during the rest of the day, or the next. I stayed mostly in my room, sleeping most of the time and avoiding Cole the best I could. Being around him made me uneasy. I couldn't stand it. All I wanted was to be left alone, and after a few tries to talk to me, he had finally understood it.
During that time, I did my best not to let myself have any thoughts. I was too tired, too exhausted to deal with anything. And I was so angry. I couldn't even tell why I was so angry, but it was constantly there, bubbling underneath the calm surface. Every time I saw Cole or even heard him walk around his apartment, the anger started rising. It was another reason I needed to avoid him.
Right now, he was cooking... I found myself staring at the door, listening to the quiet sounds he was making. My stomach growled demandingly, but I ignored it and rolled over to stare at the wall instead.
"I like you..."
I shivered when his words invaded my mind.
"I want to make you happy..."
I groaned, covering my eyes with my hands. Like that could've silenced his voice.
"I just want to hold you... Just for a little while longer..."
I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling. This was why I was trying to avoid him. Vaughn had really messed me up when he brought up my feelings toward Cole. What feelings? I felt nothing but gratitude towards that guy! That was it! There were no other feelings. Nothing.
Nothing.
"You will be happy..."
"Squealy pig!"
"I just want to see you smile..."
"Fucking pig! Go and get raped!"
"All I could think of was helping you..."
"You're not a fucking man!"
"I want to look after you..."
"What the fuck is wrong with you? You're not a fucking man, you're a pervert! You're a squealer. Men fuck women. You really think you're a man? You're nothing! You're human waste! Someone should cut your cock off because you are not a man! You will never be a man!"
"It's all right... Nothing can hurt you..."
"I should throw you out! I didn't raise a fag! It should be legal to kill a fucker like you! You should be dead, you hear me?! I hope those rapists kill you!"
I jumped up, my heart racing. Dad's words had sounded like he was right next to me in that room. I didn't even notice I was retreating into the corner, pulling my knees up to make myself as small as possible. My eyes dashed around in panic, trying to spot him standing there, holding the laptop in his hands.
But no, he wasn't there. The room was empty.
I still couldn't calm down. I was hyperventilating. Sweating. Trembling. I tried to force myself to calm down, but the fear was too strong.
"Stop..." I whispered, hiding my face behind my knees and wrapping my arms around my head. "Leave me alone... Please..."
I forced myself to be silent so Cole wouldn't hear me. He didn't need to see the shivering pile I was. A sissy. A fucking useless wuss. Men didn't cry. Real men did not cry.
"Men don't cry," I whispered to myself, wiping my face clean. "Men don't fucking cry."
I was so tired... I wanted to get away from myself. I didn't want this. I didn't want to be like this. As I wiped my face dry, it was soon wet again. I couldn't stop, no matter how harshly I told myself to stop. I gave up trying. I was too weak to fight back. And as I cried... I heard another voice.
My own.
Why the fuck would I care if men cry or not?
I wasn't sure how long I stayed there, lying on my bed, crying my eyes out. Not long, I suppose. The smell of food reeked in through the door, and my stomach growled again. I finally started calming down, but I still felt like crap. At least I wasn't crying anymore.
And then...
"Dinner is ready," Cole's silent voice came from the other side of the door. He didn't knock, didn't try to come in, and I was sure he'd already left.
I sat up on the bed and stared at the door. The thought of having to see him made me feel so many negative things I decided to stay in my room. He'd be able to tell that I'd been crying right away. I could feel how bad I looked.
I did lay back down and stared into nothingness for a moment, but then my gaze trailed back to the door. I shook my head, trying to force my mind empty. For a moment, it worked. But soon, I found myself staring at the door again.
And I got up. By the time I managed to stop myself, I was already standing by the door, my hand reaching for the handle. I froze, trying to fight back everything, absolutely everything. I didn't even know what I was fighting against.
Slowly, I opened the door and stepped out. I could hear him in the kitchen, but other than his footsteps, he wasn't making any sounds. No singing. No humming... Not even whistling. I hadn't heard any of that since we got back from Vaughn's office yesterday. Even his footsteps seemed slow, unenthusiastic.
Suddenly, I was caught up in a lot of things, a lot of emotions, and I couldn't make sense of it. But what I did know was that I was feeling far from good, and I was slowly crumbling.
I walked to the kitchen and stopped to look at him. His back was turned to me. He was washing dishes. The food on the counter was untouched.
He turned around and spotted me. For a second, he seemed shocked to see me there. Then he smiled.
"Hey," he said, taking a step closer to me.
I looked away to hide my red eyes. "Hi."
He stopped to stare at me. From the corner of my eye, I could see his smile turning sad, and his posture losing strength.
"There's food for you," he said carefully.
Why did his words make me feel even worse...? I felt like I couldn't breathe all of a sudden. And I felt cold. Colder than before.
"I can get out of your hair if you want?" he suggested carefully.
His voice... It was so far from his usual cheery voice...
What was I supposed to do? What on earth was I supposed to do?! All the negative emotions hit me all at once, and I had no fucking clue what to do! I was getting close to feeling just as bad as I did on the night when I threatened Cole with a knife. I'd tried so hard to avoid having these... These feelings! Why didn't I just stay in my room? Why?!
Now it was too late.
"I feel like my head is exploding," I whispered, turning to look at him. "I just want to turn it off. For good."
"Hey..." he breathed out just as gently as he always did, taking another step closer to me. "Everything will be all right," he said, probably understanding I was far from stable.
I shook my head as he took another step. "I'm losing it," I admitted. "I'm so fucking losing it," I repeated, my voice cracking.
"No, everything is all right," he said again, now almost in front of me. "I'm here. I'll take care of you. I'll take care of everything for you."
I watched as he slowly reached with his hand to touch my arm. My breathing had turned into shallow gasps, and my eyes were burning again. I tried to stay strong. I really did, but...
"Everything is all right, I promise," he whispered, stopping right in front of me, his hands carefully touching my arms like he was getting ready to catch me if I tried to do anything stupid.
I shook my head again. "Please, make it stop," I begged him.
"I'll help you. You know I'll do anything for you," he said. "If you'll let me," he added, inching even closer, and I realized he wasn't going to grab me.
He wanted to hug me.
I nodded, and I was crying again. He gave me a warm smile and gently wrapped his arms around me. I just stood there for a moment, still fighting back so hard... Still denying everything. Even myself.
But I lost the battle. I lost my strength and rested my head on his shoulder. His hold on me grew tighter, and I wrapped mine around his back just to stay on my feet. I was so incredibly weak...
"I don't want to feel anything," I told him in a whisper. "It's too much."
"I know," he murmured in my ear, gently pressing his hand on the back of my neck. "I know it's hard, but I also know everything will be all right."
"You're lying..."
"No, I'm not. Feelings are good. You'll see."
"Feelings are messing me up," I said almost angrily. "I don't want them."
"Feelings make you human," he replied ever-so gently.
"I don't want to be a human," I said defiantly. I wasn't even sure why I was acting like a little kid. Maybe because I was so goddamn tired...
"Hmmh..." he only uttered, caressing me slowly, his hold on me growing tighter.
"I'm being a whiny bitch," I murmured.
"No, you're not. You are..." he trailed off and pulled back to give me a smile. "You are being human."
I stared at him, watching his smile. It was so bright this time. Genuine. Happy. And a little bit sad. I realized I'd stopped crying already. Maybe I'd finally succeeded in pushing the annoying feelings away.
"Humans are whiny bitches," I muttered, turning to look at the food. I was getting really hungry all of a sudden...
"Yes, we are," he said, chuckling gently while brushing his hand through my hair, making me look back at him. "There's nothing wrong with being a human."
I wrinkled my nose at him. "I'd rather be a cat."
He laughed in amusement and pulled me back into a tight hug. I let out a deep sigh, my entire body relaxing as the air left my lungs. I felt suddenly tired, so I closed my eyes. The world was no longer spinning out of my control. The voices and the storm of emotions were finally growing quiet as I focused on the warmth surrounding me... Cole, his scent and his touch...
I didn't care if it was wrong to find comfort in those things. I was too tired to care. But... how could it be wrong if I felt so much calmer already...?
Because it's not wrong.
Again, it was my own voice I heard. I held onto those words. This, seeking and accepting comfort when I desperately needed it or I'd do something terrible and horrible again...?
It was not wrong.
And finally, I was calm enough to stand up and face the world.
"You all right?" Cole asked gently.
"Yeah... I... Yeah... Sorry..."
"You have nothing to apologize for," he murmured, slowly loosening his hold on me.
I stared at him, and his warm, gentle expression. I felt this odd little jolt in my stomach.
"Now I'm hungry..." I mumbled, and turned to the food.
"Aight. Let's eat," he said, and let me step away.
But I had to steal one more glimpse of him.
His happy smile was back...