-Randall-
"And how did that make you feel?"
"I don't know..." I mumbled, looking away from Vaughn and his intense stare.
"Can you describe the thoughts you had when he hugged you?" he asked.
I was getting really frustrated. I nearly got up from my seat and walked out, but when I turned to look at the door, knowing Cole was right there behind it, I forced myself to stay seated. I cursed myself for bringing up the hug he gave me last night.
But I wanted to know why it bothered me.
"I... When he said... that he... wanted to hold me..." I muttered, thinking about that exact moment, trying to find the words to describe the things I'd felt. "I... felt... bothered."
Again, I wanted to walk out.
"I suck at this," I sighed and leaned back instead of leaving.
"So, it was his words that bothered you?"
"Yes," I said. I didn't mind being hugged, but I wasn't comfortable enough to say that out loud at that moment.
"He showed affection towards you," Vaughn said slowly. "Both physically, and with his words. You weren't bothered by the hug itself, but by his words, correct?"
"Yeah," I said, calming down a bit. "I... I think... when he said that, I... I just didn't want him to say that. It didn't feel right."
"In what sense it didn't feel right?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it seems like he has feelings for you. What he said to you is a strong indicator. Is that why it bothered you?"
"That he has feelings for me?" I spoke. He nodded, so I shook my head. "I've known that for a while. It was more like... Why? Why would he say such things to me? To me? I'm... I'm a mess."
"Ahh..." he breathed out and leaned back in his seat as well. "In other words, you don't believe he should have feelings for you?"
"I... I don't know..." I mumbled, taking in a deep breath, and turned to look at the door again.
"I'm making an educated guess, but it sounds to me that his words made you insecure. Perhaps it bothers you because you're not used to having feelings like that. Words in general hold power over you, which would explain why you reacted to his words, not to his physical affection."
I had no idea if he was right or not. I was not used to feelings, that was for sure. I wasn't used to any of this. I wasn't used to anything.
"Would you be willing to talk about your feelings toward Cole?"
I tensed up right away when he said that. My need to get up from the seat grew so strong I couldn't hold still anymore. I didn't go to the door though, just paced in front of the chair for a moment.
"It's completely fine if you don't," Vaughn said just as calmly as ever.
"I don't know..." I muttered, placing my hands behind my head, feeling so much anxiety I was freaking myself out. "No. I don't."
"All right. Maybe we should take a small break," he continued. That was somewhat surprising since we never had breaks during my visits, but then again, I was not calm. "Are you able to breathe?"
"What kind of question is that?" I asked. "Yes, I can."
"You may be having a panic attack," he said so freakishly calmly I had to stop to stare at him.
"I'm not having a panic attack," I then grunted. "I'm just... I don't want to talk about it, all right?"
"Of course," he said, keeping an even closer eye on me than before. "I am sorry I asked."
"It's... It's... fine..." I muttered and sat back down. "I just..."
"We don't have to talk about it," he repeated kindly. "Only if you feel like it."
I glanced at the door. I could picture Cole sitting behind it, wasting his time on someone like me. The seats in the hallway were crappy, too. Still, he waited for me. For me.
"He said... He wants to make me happy," I finally murmured.
"I see. Do you want to talk about that?" he asked, but carefully this time.
"Isn't it the same thing as talking about how I feel about him?" I asked.
"Maybe," he said, smiling kindly. "We don't have to talk about feelings per se, just about what he said."
I rubbed my temples. "He's a good man..."
"He is," Vaughn agreed. "I've known him for years, and if my personal opinion matters, I think you are in good hands."
I nodded as well. "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him."
"Here, as in...?"
"Here, talking to you. I'd be drinking beer in my apartment right now if I never met him," I said. "Work, working out, TV and alcohol... Same thing every single day..."
"I'm assuming that's no longer what you want," Vaughn spoke.
"It's not," I said quietly, peering at the door again. I was silent for a moment, and so was he. Then I turned to look at him. "I've... never liked anyone. I had a girlfriend, but... She was just for show. To get my dad off my back."
Why was I talking about this? I didn't have any feelings! I... I didn't... I did, but I didn't want them.
"I don't know what to think," I mumbled. "It's so... so..."
"Feelings are complicated," Vaughn said. "They are hard to understand sometimes, and they can be frightening."
"I'm not scared," I hurried to say before I could stop myself.
"I meant that in general," he said with a smile. "I believe there are moments in everyone's life when feelings are confusing, even scary. It doesn't have to be romantic feelings. Just feelings in general."
"Well, I don't know how I'm feeling," I sighed and leaned back. "I just want this to be over... I don't want to be like this."
"That will take some time. While you were growing up, you missed out on normal, healthy interactions with other people on top of the traumatic events your parental figure put you through, which is now making social interactions more difficult for you."
"So I'll be a freak for the rest of my life..." I mumbled.
"No..." He smiled again. "You are talking to me quite freely today. Your social skills are growing, and since you are staying with Cole for the time being, you are getting a lot of experience in social interactions."
I didn't say a word. I didn't feel like I was talking any better, but after I gave it some thought, I understood he was right. I'd been doing most of the talking this time.
"You are not a lost cause, Randall," he said gently. "Far from it. I can see the drive to get better in you. All you need is patience and willingness to receive help. From me, from Cole, from anyone you can trust."
"That list is short," I mumbled.
"But there is a list," he said with a smile.
I let out a deep breath and nodded.
"Is there something else you'd like to talk about today?" he asked after we spent a few moments in silence.
"Haven't I been talking enough?" I asked and sighed, peering at the door.
"You did well today," he praised me.
I didn't feel like it. I kept staring at the door for a good moment, trying to... No. There was nothing I wanted to talk about anymore.
"I think this is enough for the day," I finally said, and got up. "Thanks."
Vaughn stood up too. "You are doing great, Randall. I hope to see you again next time."
"I'll be here," I promised, as I always did.
He walked me to the door, and when I opened it, Cole's eyes darted to us, then at his clock.
"You're finishing up early?" he asked with a frown.
"It's fine," I said shortly, told Vaughn goodbye and made my way to the door. I needed fresh air.
Cole exchanged a few words with the shrink and hurried after me. I waited for him by the door and noticed his worried expression when he stopped next to me.
"Is everything all right?" he asked as I stepped through the door.
"Yeah... It was just..."
I didn't finish that sentence. I was so done talking for the day. I was so mentally exhausted I just wanted to hurry back home.
That word nearly stopped me. It was not my home I was in such a hurry to go back to.
"Don't you get tired of me?" I breathed out.
"Never," he said so gently I had to stop to look at him. "You know that," he added when our eyes met.
I forgot I was supposed to be walking down the stairs. There was a feeling inside me, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. Feelings were so goddamn difficult... I didn't want them.
"You should," I mumbled and continued my way down.
"Hey," he said and stopped me by grabbing my arm. "What's going on?"
I didn't look at him. "Nothing."
"Doesn't look like nothing."
"I'm just so fucking frustrated, all right?" I grunted and pried myself free so I could get away from him.
"Is there anything I can do? Are you sure we should head back already? You had almost twenty minutes left."
"Cole," I spoke his name quite harshly, and turned to glare at him. I was about to tell him to back off, but the words died away when I saw him, and the look in his eyes... He was so hurt, so taken aback... I couldn't do it. "He asked me something I don't want to deal with yet. Can we just go home? Please?"
"Of course," he said and smiled. But it wasn't his normal happy smile...
I stopped him when he tried to get past me.
"Cole... I..."
Why was it so hard...?
"I..." Just a few little words...
...But I couldn't say it.
"Sorry... Let's just go..." I muttered.
But when our eyes met again, his smile was warm.
"Sure," he said.