-Randall-
Cole didn't let me do anything that day. Whenever I offered to help with something, clearing out the table after breakfast or preparing dinner later that day, he told me I needed to rest. I spent most of that day on the couch with the TV on, but I wasn't really watching it. Most of my focus was on Cole, even when I couldn't see him.
I didn't know what to do with his confession. The guy liked me. He still acted like he liked me, even after I'd threatened him with a knife. And called him a rapist in the middle of a busy street. Even after I'd shown him just how fucked up I was.
Why...?
"How are you feeling?" he asked quietly once he finished cleaning up after dinner.
I leaned back on the couch and lowered my gaze down to my hands. How was I feeling?
"Tired," I breathed out.
I didn't want to elaborate on it. No... He didn't want me to elaborate on it. That fucker who had ruined me.
"I'm... I feel bad for making you look after me," I said the first thing that popped into my head.
"Hey..." he said gently, leaning a bit closer to me on the couch. "I want to look after you. I want to make sure you're safe and not alone."
I nodded slowly. His words made me feel something else... Something odd... Something I still wasn't used to.
Something nice.
"I... I want to feel better," I told him. He stayed quiet, so I assumed he wanted me to go on. I took a deep breath and peered at him carefully. "When you started coming to the gym... After I started noticing..."
It was surprisingly hard to say the stuff I wanted, but Cole gave me all the time I needed to recollect myself.
"After I started noticing... you... I... felt better," I said, whispering the last words because of how hard it was to say them out loud. I looked away from him, but I did see a glimpse of his smile just before that. "I want that back..."
"You will feel better soon," he said reassuringly. "It may be a rough ride, but I am here for you. If there's anything you need, anything at all, just ask."
"Why?" I asked, finding the guts to look at him again. "I'm a fucking mess."
"I was a fucking mess too once," he reminded me, his smile fading away. "Back then, I wished I had someone to turn to. I can't just let you think you're all alone in this world. Because you're not. You have me."
I didn't question his words. He could've left me in my apartment after I pulled out the knife...
Something horrible twisted in my guts when I remembered his scar. His stab wound.
"I... threatened you with a knife," I whispered, feeling absolutely disgusted with myself. "I... I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking–"
He shook his head. "I wasn't really paying attention, to be honest. All I could think of was helping you."
"But–"
"Hey," he interrupted me soothingly. "You were panicking. I know you didn't mean to do it. You weren't yourself last night."
"I..."
Even thinking about last night scared me...
"I don't know what happened to me last night," I admitted carefully. "I just wanted to end it. I couldn't stand it anymore..."
"I know," he whispered. "And I'm so sorry. We were having a great time at the gym, but then I had to ruin–"
"No. It wasn't you," I said sternly. "It's my father's fault."
Because of him, I couldn't even enjoy a night out with a guy who liked me. A guy who I...
"Maybe that shrink friend of yours can put my head back together," I said, hoping he'd laugh, but he didn't.
"It'll take a while, and it's a long commitment, but I know he can help you. He helped me, and still is helping me," he said.
"You still see him?" I asked to get the topic off me and my mess.
"Every now and then, yeah," he said. "Whenever I feel like I have stuff I need to talk about, I go see him. I don't want to go back to how things were, so I keep going back just in case."
I nodded slowly. "I... I tried a few times, but every time, I stopped going after a few sessions. I... I told myself I didn't need it."
But I clearly needed it.
"If I'd continued seeing my shrink..." I began, but trailed off.
Maybe I wouldn't have freaked out last night if I'd continued seeing my shrink. Maybe I wouldn't have threatened such a good man with a knife if I'd continued. Maybe I wouldn't be so goddamn scared of myself right now if I'd just kept going.
"I really should've stayed in therapy..." I muttered.
"It's not too late," he told me with an encouraging smile. "I'll get you an appointment in no time. And I can come with you if you want. To keep you company."
"You don't have to do that," I said, though I appreciated his offer. I feared I'd only end up not going if he didn't accompany me. "You probably have noticed, but talking really isn't my strong suit..."
"You're doing really well," he said, shifting a little in his seat.
I wasn't sure he realized that every time he changed his position on the couch, he came closer to me. There still were a few inches between us, but his closeness made me feel things. Odd things. Uncomfortable things. Things I couldn't put my finger on, but whatever it was, most of my focus was on it.
"Should we talk about something else?" he suddenly asked, and I realized we'd been silent for quite a bit.
"Sure," I nodded, but couldn't come up with anything to talk about.
He did, as always.
How long we stayed there, I had no idea. He did most of the talking while I listened, nodding here, saying a few words there. I was glad the hard topics were done with, and things went back to pretty much how they used to be: he talked, I listened. I'd missed that. The awkward talking about feelings and stuff had taken its toll on me, so this random chit chat was more than welcomed.
It made me feel better. He made me feel better. It wasn't a big improvement, but he somehow made me believe that whatever happened last night, I still had hope; that I hadn't turned into a sick, disturbed monster I needed to be afraid of.
That I just needed help to get better.
By the time he'd talked his voice hoarse, I was nodding off. It was getting late. I hadn't slept well last night, and on top of that... his voice was soothing. When he noticed my drowsiness, he gave me a friendly smile.
"You look like you could sleep for a week," he said.
"I'm fine..." I muttered, rubbing my eyes and holding back a yawn. "Okay, maybe I'm a bit tired..."
"You should go to sleep then. I'm taking tomorrow off from work, so I have all day to talk your ears off," he said jokingly, getting up from the couch.
"Sounds good," I said. And I meant it.
He followed me as I made my way to the guest room, but stayed by the door when I entered it.
"If you want to take a shower, there are clean towels in that drawer by the window," he told me.
"Thanks," I said, suddenly realizing how bad I smelled. "I never showered after we left the gym yesterday."
"That makes two of us," he said, smirking.
"I honestly didn't even notice," I mumbled. "Well... thank you for letting me stay here."
"Don't mention it," he said softly. "Try to get some sleep, and if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to wake me up, okay? Food, another pillow, someone to listen... Anything at all."
"Okay."
"Okay, good," he said. "Sleep well."
"You too," I said quietly.
He nodded, but still lingered by the door a little while longer. I wasn't sure why. Eventually, he left, but I still continued staring at the empty spot he'd left behind. The odd feeling was back, and it took me a moment to get myself moving again.
After I showered and put my pants on, I went to sit down on the edge of the bed. The bed felt nice. Much nicer than mine. I stared at the room for a while, slowly spotting new things I hadn't noticed before, like a flower on the windowsill and an old clock on the bookshelf. I liked that room. There was something warm and calming about it.
I'd never really cared about such things...
But I also knew I wanted to care about such things. I remembered the framed posters I used to have before... before this all started. Dad had destroyed them all one by one in his raging fits. He'd destroyed almost everything I owned... I'd learned fast not to buy anything because of that.
I kept the lamp on the nightstand turned on even after I went to bed so I could keep searching for new things to stare at. It was easier to keep my head silent while I was busy studying the room.
And because of that, I fell asleep before I even noticed it.