-Troy-
I never thought I'd be spending half of this weekend in a hospital. It took hours before we were finally allowed to take that growling hissy fit of mine home. Luke was not happy, but he was pretty good at containing it. He kept rolling his eyes and muttering how everything sucked, but he wasn't as angry as I thought he would be.
That was until the first crisis hit.
Pants.
"I'm telling you! Not! Big! Enough!" the bear growled behind the curtain, trying to get into his college pants.
"Oh dear," Mrs. Frost mumbled, holding a hand over her mouth. "Those were the biggest I could find..."
We heard an exaggerated sigh and a small thud, indicating that the pants just flew on the wall. "I'll just go in my fucking underpants! I'm not staying here a minute longer!"
I heard light snickering coming from behind us. The other patients in the room were acting like they weren't paying attention, but there was no way anyone could just not pay attention when Luke got mad.
"Well, I have scissors," Gwen said, rummaging through her bag. "We'll just cut the leg off."
"Mine or the pants?" Luke grunted. "Better be mine because I'm not fucking–"
"Okay!" I said, exaggerating my cheery tone, interrupting him. "Can I come in?"
"...fine."
I rolled my eyes when I sneaked past the curtain to see him lying on the bed, looking like he was about to go on a rampage.
"We can make it work," I told him, sitting down next to him. "I know the situation is grim, and it might feel like there's no hope, but together, we can conquer this crisis! We can do this! I know we can! You will leave this hospital wearing pants like the victor you are, but we will fail if you give up now!"
Man... When he started laughing at my little act, his low voice resonated somewhere so deep inside me I had to lean in to give him a short kiss. When I pulled away, he was smiling, but it wasn't as happy as I hoped. I could almost see his thoughts through his eyes. His darkness was close by.
"It's just a cast," I said quietly. "You don't have to worry about anything – I'll take care of you."
He let out a deep breath that sounded partly like a groan. "Stupid leg..."
"It's just temporarily out of order." I smiled and pecked his lips again. "Just for a few months, it's no big deal."
I got up and peeked behind the curtains, and Gwen gave me the scissors. Then I went to fetch the notorious pants from the floor, measuring them with my eyes.
"So, how would you like your pants?" I asked.
"Medium rare," he replied jokingly, and I laughed.
We ended up cutting half of the leg – of the pants – off, just around the knee, so he could fit in them. While we were at it, I couldn't help but feel impressed by his legs. No wonder the pants didn't fit him with the cast! How could a seventeen-year-old have thighs the size of an elephant!?
"Are you staring?" he chuckled quietly.
"Are you pleased?" I winked at him, helping him with his injured leg, and he blushed. I still found it adorable that he got so flustered when I flirted back after his attempts to flirt with me.
After a short battle, we finally won! The pants were on and we were ready to go! Luke was starting to get into a better mood and all was well.
Until the next crisis.
The crutches.
First off. Neon green? That was the color they thought was fit for my already angry dude? The manly man from Mensville. Luke landed an angry gaze upon them. His mom was holding them with a timid smile on her face. We all knew this wasn't going to end well.
"Is it too late to rip the damn leg off?" Luke grunted.
"And what would that solve?" Gwen asked with raised eyebrows.
"I wouldn't have to think about it ever again," Luke replied without making any effort to get the crutches from his mom.
Why was he being so hard on himself? He never gave himself any slack. I was sure the reason he was so buffed was that he needed to torture himself. It was like the only thing he enjoyed in this world was being mean to himself.
I took the crutches from Mrs. Frost and turned to look at Luke. "Come on – let's go home," I said quietly.
He looked up at me for a moment before lowering his gaze down to the crutches. He then let out a sigh, sounding so defeated it actually hurt. I hated to see him like this. His leg would heal, and everything would go back to normal before he knew it, but still he hated himself over a small leg injury. Every other teenager would be thrilled to use this opportunity to skip school and make everyone around them their personal slaves. I knew I would turn into an unbearable, pampered little queen bee in his position.
"I can carry you if you want," I said when he didn't move a muscle.
He snorted, and I was glad to hear some humor in it. He took the crutches from me, and I helped him up on his feet. The first few steps he took were wobbly and slow, but he got the hang of it fast. He was annoyed, sure, but it turned out that this crisis wasn't a crisis at all. Just a nuisance.
Of course, our journey home wasn't that easy. Another crisis was looming up ahead in the parking lot.
The car.
We didn't understand it at first, but when I opened the door for Luke, we all stopped in realization. Luke's leg had a full cast on, preventing him from bending it.
"Right, we bought a smaller car..." Gwen muttered.
I turned to look at Luke, who was now grinding his teeth together, staring at the backseat of the car. There was no way he could sit there.
"Maybe if we pull the front seat all the way back?" Mrs. Frost suggested.
We tried that. Nope. We had a big Australian hunk with legs the size of trees, and the smallest sedan any brand could possibly build in our hands, and the equation was not working in our favor.
Luke was growing increasingly frustrated.
"I'll just walk," he grunted behind his gritted teeth, and turned his back on us.
"Duuuude," I spoke with the cutest voice I could possibly muster. "You can sit sideways in the backseat. It won't be too comfortable, but at least you don't have to walk," I spoke, walking after him. "Just put your leg on my lap and we're good to go!"
He stopped and threw a pissed off look in my direction.
"How the hell am I supposed to even get in the car, huh?" he practically yelled at me.
I stopped and crossed my arms over my chest. I had to admit, this wasn't easy. It was like trying to defuse a time bomb that could blow up any second, and I hated it. Dating someone who had so much anger in him wasn't easy, and I suddenly feared it would often be like this – me doing everything I could not to piss him off, or to calm him down. This was the first time Luke wasn't calming down, and it worried me.
"I was just trying to help," I said quietly, trying not to sound too hurt, before returning to the car. "I thought that's what boyfriends are for."
-Luke-
(TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS)
God fucking damnit! Now I was ruining things with Troy as well! I just really fucking hated myself at that moment. I hated myself so much that the sound of traffic nearby was getting almost too tempting...
I was torn between two options: to go after Troy and ask for his forgiveness, or just let him go. The latter was a better option. I knew that if I didn't go after him right now, it was over. He wasn't going to take any crap from me, not even a little, and he deserved someone who would never, ever snap at him like I did just now. Not even once.
And this wasn't even close to being as bad as what I could've said to him.
I turned my gaze to the street in front of me. I should be dead. Bringing misery to everyone close to me was all I'd done in this life. I had a chance with the guy I adored more than anything else in this world, and I was blowing it. Now, as I stayed still, I was doing it on purpose.
If I had died on that hill, I wouldn't have dragged Troy into my life. I should've kept my mouth shut. I never should've told him how I felt about him. I should have let go of him right in the beginning when he told me he'd think about going out with me. I had no right to pester him about the date and hope he would say yes, and I definitely shouldn't have been so selfish to think I deserved to be part of his life. It was so unfair to Troy...
I closed my eyes when the familiar thoughts crowded my mind.
"Dude?"
I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt his hand touching mine. I turned around to see a small smile on Troy's face. I couldn't describe it as a happy one, but seeing it made the bad thoughts disappear in a heartbeat.
All of a sudden, I was about to cry. I couldn't say a word, so I nodded, looking down at the ground in shame. Troy deserved so much more than me.
"Come – I think you need to sleep," he spoke gently, and I followed him.
The thing that made everything so much worse was the fact that Troy's suggestion was a really good one. I sat down on the backseat and pulled myself back against the other door so my injured leg was resting on the seats. Troy was careful when he wiggled his way to sit down and take my leg on his lap. It took like fifteen seconds. And I had the nerve to snap at him... He was just trying to help...
Ma started the car, and I put the seatbelt on, leaning against the backrest, keeping my head down. My anger was gone, burned away, and all that was left were my miserable thoughts. But soon those thoughts were interrupted when I felt Troy's hand on mine again.
When I looked up, I saw a new smile on his face. An encouraging one. I definitely, definitely didn't deserve him. Still, I grabbed that hand and held it tightly for the entire time on our way home.
Once we arrived at our house, it required a lot of work to get me out of the car. Ma had a strong grip on me and basically pulled me out and up on my feet. The knee was aching badly now, even through the painkillers. Next, I had to get inside without getting knocked over by Bella, who had apparently missed me terribly. She just didn't quite understand why she wasn't allowed to jump all over me this time.
And once we were finally inside, I was ready to give up.
Stairs.
I wanted to sit down and stay there by the front door when I saw the stairs leading up to my room.
"Should we make a bed for you here downstairs?" Mom asked, but I shook my head.
Getting up was pretty easy. It wasn't the first time I had a cast on my leg, so I managed to get up in no time, with Troy following me. I still hadn't said a word to him, and I was getting nervous about it. I knew I had to say something once we were in my room, but I had no idea what to say. Where to start? A simple sorry was too late now.
And then we were alone. In my room. Where Troy was supposed to spend the rest of the weekend.
"I'm sorry," I said without looking at him. I had to start somewhere. "I was being a complete dick..."
Troy didn't reply to me, so I turned to look at him, fearing the worst. He was sitting on the couch, scratching Bella behind her ears. He took a short glimpse of me and continued scratching her.
"Yeah, that wasn't fun," he said eventually.
"I'm really sorry," I told him, taking a step closer.
He sighed lightly and stood up, giving me a stern look. "I know you're tired and in pain, so I'll let it slide this time."
"You shouldn't forgive me," I muttered when he stepped in front of me.
"I know. That's why I'm awesome," he said, but without humor in his voice. "It's just a stupid cast," he added in a softer tone.
I felt so damn ashamed of myself. I couldn't even look at him anymore, so I bowed my head down. "You're right..."
"I know there's stuff in your head that isn't supposed to be there, but it's just a couple of months before you're as good as new," Troy continued talking, and I felt his hands on my shoulders. "I hate to see you being so hard on yourself."
His other hand made its way up to my neck when he pulled me into a tight hug. I let my crutches fall on the floor when I wrapped my arms around him. I buried my face in his shoulder and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to keep it together.
"I know it's just a stupid cast, but..." I spoke, hating how weak my voice was. "I hate myself so much..."
He hugged me even tighter. "I know... But you shouldn't. There's no reason for that."
I didn't reply to him. I wanted to be a better person, but how? I was such a failure...
"Luke... I want to ask..." he said, and pulled away to look me in the eye. "When was the last time you spoke to a professional?"
"I... It's been a while," I muttered, avoiding his eyes, but he gently made me look at him again.
"You said you're doing better now. I hate to think about what it was like when things were bad," he said.
I saw the hill in front of me. For a brief second, I felt all the things I felt that day, but then I forced myself to focus on Troy. He had a sad smile on his face, and he brushed his hand through my hair and left it at the back of my neck.
"You need to rest," he said, when I didn't speak. "But I want you to know I'm here for you, and I need you to let me help."
I nodded, because I still couldn't speak.
We got cozy on my bed, trying to fit in my small bed with the st... cast. My knee was still aching, but it started calming down a bit now that I wasn't putting any weight on it. I forgot all about it anyway, when Troy snuggled his head against my chest, wrapping an arm around my stomach.
"Just let me know if you need anything," he muttered.
"...sure."
He chuckled and pressed a kiss on my cheek. "Try to get some sleep, okay?"
"...sure."
He placed his hand on my face and made me look at him. He didn't say anything. He just kissed me. For a very long time.
When we finally parted our lips, I had forgotten all about the bad day I'd had. Well, almost. One thing was still stuck in my head. When was the last time I spoke to a professional?
I looked at Troy, who gave me a smile before resting his head back on my shoulder, hugging me tightly.
I wasn't quite sure how long it had been, but maybe... maybe it was time to go back. This day had been a good reminder that I was far from fine. That moment in the parking lot, when I watched the cars passing me by, I could feel what I felt that day... when I tried to kill myself.
This day could've been a lot worse if Troy hadn't been there, shining his light at me.
Over a stupid cast... I definitely had huge flaws in me. And for once, I could see the real flaws in me. The ones lurking inside my head.