-Troy-
It was nice to visit Mom after such a long time. I felt bad for not seeing her that often, but it was never easy to go there. I hoped she understood that. Talking to a headstone, not being able to see her, or hear her voice, or touch her, was just awful. Having Luke there to accompany me had made it easier.
I stole a glimpse of him. We were walking with Bella around his neighborhood, and neither of us had spoken much. We had just finished dinner, and it was getting late, but I didn't feel tired at all. I had been thinking about Mom the entire evening after we left the cemetery, and I wondered if she would have approved of me dating Luke. As a person, definitely, because Luke was a good guy, but what about the fact that he was a guy?
Even I still had moments when I asked myself what I was doing? I looked at Luke again, and for a second, I saw him only as a friend. Then, he turned to look at me, and gave me a small, crooked smile. He then quickly turned his eyes to the ground, looking shy, but his smile grew a little bit wider. There was no friendship in the way he looked at me, or in the way he made me feel every time he smiled at me.
I got closer to him and nudged his side with my elbow. He looked at me from the corner of his eyes and nudged me back. That continued for a short moment until Luke wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a quick hug.
"Stop harassing me," he grunted, but he was still smiling.
He let go of me, which was a mistake. We continued walking, and the second Luke turned his attention away from me, I slipped my fairly cold fingers under his clothes and pressed them against his lower back. He let out an interesting yelp, jumping forward, making Bella go nuts. He turned to look at me with squinted eyes while Bella was jumping against him, barking and whining like asking what was wrong.
"Ohh, you're so going to regret that," Luke said with an evil chuckle.
"But my fingers are cold," I said, using puppy eyes on him.
Luke started laughing, and pushed Bella away while I stepped closer to him, waiting until he was looking back at me. When he did, I locked my eyes with his, placing my hands on his waist, just under the hem of his jacket. His smile faded slowly when I pressed myself against him, slowly sliding my hands under his clothes. He hissed and tensed up when my cold fingers moved across his hot skin on his stomach. I could feel his abs trembling when he tried to pull away without actually moving away from me and my cold touch.
I had done that only to tease him. I had expected him to move away and laugh and tell me I was a dead man, but he didn't move, and I didn't move, and instead of just goofing around, we were having a moment. For some reason, I hadn't even thought about that outcome. I was still so used to having him as a friend that I had really believed he would push me away.
It was then, when I realized most of the pranks and the ways I usually annoyed Max and my other friends were practically considered as foreplay with Luke. That led me to another realization. There was a possibility I was gayer than I'd thought. Of course, the fact that I still was caressing his stomach had nothing to do with that. Absolutely nothing.
I pulled my hands away when I saw a car approaching us.
"Sorry..." I muttered and turned my back on him. I really hated hiding, but I wasn't ready to take the risk of my dad finding out about us.
"It's fine," Luke said quietly. "Come, we should get back home."
I looked at him shortly and nodded. There was something I wanted to do.
*****
Luke's parents were asleep. The house was quiet and the only source of light we had was a small lamp on a nightstand. Luke was lying on his back, looking up at me when I swung my leg over his waist, sitting down on his lap. He had only shorts on since I had stolen his shirt, and he had a curious look in his eyes when I placed my hands on his stomach. I wasn't going to do anything weird. I just wanted to get to know his body.
I had seen him naked before, but I had never before paid any attention to it. Why should I have? Even now, I didn't find his body attractive. It was just a muscular version of mine. I slowly moved my hands up on his chest, and then back down again. He tensed up the second I moved, taking a sharp breath. His entire existence was begging me to do it again. Now that was attractive.
I leaned a little closer before moving my hands again, making my touch a little stronger. I had no idea why it was so alluring to feel his body tensing up underneath me. He was still watching me, and he looked happy. And shy, for some reason. Then I remembered he had never had sex before. It was still a little hard to believe, since he was so popular among the girls, but then again, he was gay. But there had to be more gay guys in our school, drooling over him when no one was watching.
And still, he chose me, no matter how much of an asshole I had been.
I sat back up, trailing my fingers across his skin. I looked down at his body, stroking his stomach gently. His hands moved onto my knees, resting there for a bit before he found the courage to move them on my thighs. We stayed there for quite some time, just enjoying each other's company and touch. That was attractive. It was nice to feel wanted.
"So, seen any good movies lately?" Luke suddenly asked, and I burst out laughing.
"Mood-killer," I chuckled.
"I'm just trying to save us from any awkward moments," he shrugged.
"I thought we were already used to having awkward moments," I said, continuing to caress his skin.
"Maybe," he said.
I waited for a moment to see if he would continue speaking, but he didn't. I turned to look at the spare bed on the other side of the room. "We should probably go to sleep."
Luke pushed himself up, and I turned my attention back to him when he put his hands around me. "You might be right," he said, and hugged me.
I hugged him back, and all of a sudden, I didn't want to sleep alone. Tomorrow, I would have to go back home, where my existence didn't matter to anyone. Where I was nothing more but an inconvenience. I wasn't sure which was worse, to be hated, or to have no value whatsoever. To my father, I was just a part of the house, like a painting that happened to move around on its own. I would have to go back to that.
Then there was this guy, who was holding me so gently. The guy who smiled just because I looked at him. I didn't want to leave. I didn't even want to leave his bed.
"Troy?"
I hugged him tighter, hiding my face against his bare shoulder. I just needed a couple of seconds, just a moment longer, to soak in the fact I was wanted, that there still were people who cared about me. Sometimes it was hard to remember that.
Luke hummed something and lay back down, pulling me with him. He easily rolled me onto my side next to him and pulled the covers on us. I just lied there in surprise and in a slight shock while he got comfortable.
"Good night," he said tenderly, pushing hair out of my face, then resting his hand on my arm.
I stared at him for a moment, but then smiled at him. I snuggled closer and placed my hand on his neck. I stroked his jaw with my thumb, enjoying the closeness. His hand sneaked back up, stopping on my cheek. I felt his fingers behind my ear, playing with my hair.
Was it too soon to sleep the night in the same bed with him? Probably, but it didn't feel wrong, and he seemed happy to share the bed with me, so why not? I believed we both needed closeness at that moment.
"Good night," I smiled and pecked his lips.
*****
I spent the entire Sunday with Luke. We went for a walk with Bella, played video games for a couple of hours, and even watched a movie with his parents. Then, they insisted I'd stay for dinner before going home, so I did. I'd been dreading going home the entire day, and it had brought my mood down a notch, but I wished no one had noticed.
And then it was time. It was past nine already, and when I saw that, I felt something heavy in my stomach. I'd had a great weekend with the Frosts, and I felt sad I had to leave. Luke had promised to take me home, even though I could just walk since I didn't live that far away.
"Luke, go get his bag, will you?" Mrs. Frost said, and once Luke was walking upstairs, she came to me. "We'd like you to take this," she said, and gave me a small piece of paper. "Our phone numbers. If there's anything you need, anything at all, you call us, all right?"
I looked up at her, and then at Gwen, who joined us in the foyer. "Thank you..." I muttered, feeling a bit awkward.
"I mean it," Mrs. Frost said sternly. "And I want you to know you're welcome to stay in our home. I think you are still too young to be left alone overnight, so I'd rather have you here with us, all right?"
I wanted to point out that I was fifteen, I could take care of myself, and that I'd been way younger when I was left alone at home for the first time. But I didn't since I really didn't want them to get worried and call child service or something. I just couldn't take the drama.
"I'll keep that in mind," I said with a smile, and put the paper in my pocket.
"Good," she said, just when Luke returned downstairs.
"Ready?" he asked, and I could tell he didn't want me to leave.
"Yeah," I said, putting up my brave face, pretending I was okay about going back home, which I was not.
I followed him out, after saying my goodbyes to his parents. I felt sad when Luke closed the door after us, but I didn't let it show. Also, there was something I had to do.
I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer, getting up on my toes. He was surprised when I kissed him, but he didn't pull away. I felt his hand on my back, and the kiss deepened.
"What was that for?" he asked with a smile after I pulled away.
"I can't kiss you goodbye once we arrive at my home," I said quietly, hating my own words so much.
"Right," he said, and there was only understanding in his eyes.
We continued our way to his car, and I waited for him to unlock the doors before hopping in. He put my bag on the backseat and sat down behind the wheel. He was putting his seatbelt on when I reached to touch his hand.
"This is only temporary, you know that, right?" I spoke, and immediately regretted my choice of words, since his expression dropped, turning almost painful. "I mean hiding our relationship," I added in a hurry.
"Oh... Right, yeah... Of course," he mumbled, and his posture relaxed. "I don't mind hiding–"
"I do," I said, speaking the truth. "The only reason, the absolutely one and only reason why I want to keep us a secret, is my father. I need to have things figured out before I'm fine with him finding out about us. I just need some time, that's all."
"Troy," he spoke my name tenderly, and took my hand, "I understand perfectly. The last thing I want to do is get you in trouble. I am perfectly fine keeping this a secret as long as you need."
"I just hate asking this from you..." I muttered, and he kissed the back of my palm.
"I really don't care if we're open or not. I'm just happy we're now referring to us as 'us'," he said.
I gave him a smile and squeezed his hand. He stared at me for a moment, and then let go of my hand to turn on the engine.
"I don't deserve you," I told him.
Luke laughed like I'd just said something funny. "You deserve a lot better than me," he said.
"You should see yourself through my eyes, then you would understand," I said quietly. He didn't say anything to that. He was not convinced, that was for sure. "I mean it, you really are a great guy," I said, but I still got no reply. "I'll make sure you'll believe me one day."
He backed the car down on the street and started driving. Neither of us spoke in a minute or two, but then the silence started getting on my nerves.
"Are you nervous about the game?" I asked.
"What game?"
"What game, he asks," I muttered and shook my head. "The game, the one that's only a few weeks from now."
"Oh, that one... Nah, it'll be fine," he said. "We usually kick their asses."
"Coach doesn't share your confidence," I pointed out.
"That's just how he is. He has to be passionate about the game," Luke spoke.
"So, are you saying you're not passionate about it?" I asked, feeling a bit shocked.
He was silent for a moment. "It's fun."
"That's it? Dude, you're like the best on the team! You could go pro with your skills!" I said, turning sideways to see his expression. It was not as enthusiastic as I'd thought.
"Yeah, well, things change," he said, almost like he was avoiding the topic.
"What are you on about?" I asked, feeling suddenly nervous.
He sighed and looked at me shortly. "I'm not getting clean papers from the next physical examination. I barely made it in the team last time. My leg just... It's not getting any better. I'm surprised they'll still let me play, to be honest."
"O-Oh..." I spoke, feeling bad for forgetting his injury, and even worse for him, for losing the opportunity to compete after high school. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I really don't care about football that much," he said, sounding sincere.
"What are you going to do after high school?" I asked, feeling even worse since I didn't know that fact about him.
"Haven't decided yet," he said, and before I could say anything, he added, "We're here."
He stopped the car, and I looked out. I'd never seen an uglier house than the place I was forced to call my home. It seemed like it was mocking me on the other side of the yard. I just glared at it, wondering if it would be all right if I just didn't return to that place ever again.
"Troy?"
I sighed, and looked back at Luke. "Thanks for giving me a ride," I told him.
"Any time," he said. "Do you want me to walk you to the door?"
I chuckled and shook my head. "I'd like that, but... That would probably look weird."
"Yeah..." he mumbled.
I made sure no one was close by before taking his hand in mine again. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."
"I'll be on the bus," he said, and squeezed my hand. "Waiting for you."
I smiled at him, and reluctantly let go of his hand. I grabbed my bag and opened the door, wishing so badly I could just kiss him goodbye, or better yet, ask him to take me back to his place. It was an option, but I didn't want to be a bother to his parents. They had been nice enough to let me stay the weekend. Besides, I didn't really have any spare clothes with me, not schoolbooks or anything else I'd need tomorrow.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I said quietly after getting out of the car.
"Until tomorrow," he replied, and I closed the door.
I slowly walked up to our front door, listening to the sounds of Luke's car. He was probably waiting for me to get inside. I searched for my keys, and with a heavy heart, I opened the door.
It was quiet in our house, but the lights were on, and I heard TV somewhere, so I knew I wasn't alone. I closed the door and turned to look out of the window, and saw Luke finally driving off. I watched him go as long as I could see him, but it was only seconds later when the taillights vanished from my view. I sighed and headed to the stairs.
"Troy!" I heard Stephanie's cheery voice when she saw me climbing up. "Did you have fun at your aunt's?"
"I stayed at my friend's the weekend," I told her when she walked out of the kitchen, stopping by the doorway. "It was nice."
"Oh?" she uttered, and her smile faded a little. "I thought you were... Never mind. I'm glad to see you're all right."
"Stephanie? Darling?" I heard my dad's voice in the kitchen.
"Troy is home!" Stephanie sang at him. "Didn't you hear him?"
There was a short pause of silence before my dad appeared next to her. "Son," he greeted me with a nod, without any expression on his face. "I'm glad you're home."
Liar.
"Did you guys have a fun trip?" I asked, and Stephanie's eyes lit up and she opened her mouth, but Dad interrupted her.
"We had fun," he said shortly. "We can talk about it tomorrow. You should go to bed – it's getting late already."
It was barely ten o'clock, but okay. "Yeah – I'm beat," I said. "Let's talk tomorrow. I want to hear all the juicy details about your trip," I said, my words oozing with sarcasm, but I guess Stephanie didn't notice it. Dad did, though.
"Go to your room," he said, clearly trying to hide the irritation in his voice.
"Yes, sir," I said, and continued my way up, feeling glad I didn't have to spend any more time with them.
"I thought you said he's staying with his aunt?" I heard Stephanie's hushed words before I reached the second floor.
"Yes, I did," Dad replied.
"He said he was at his friend's house."
"Did he now? I'll deal with that tomorrow. Come – the show is about to start."
I scoffed and stepped into my room. Dad wouldn't deal with me even if the cops brought me home in handcuffs.
I locked my door and dropped the bag right next to it. I threw myself on my bed and turned to look out of the window. I had never noticed how cold my room was. Or how hard my bed was.
Or how lonely I was in that place.