Zara POV
I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. I was getting too used to this ceiling now. The hospital ceiling was becoming my reminder that I am such a charity case.
I didn't know what else to do. I was almost all healed up.
Every time I saw this ceiling, it was like my mind had a reset. I just... wanted to leave.
I was contemplating my options when the door was pushed in and Zarine walked in.
I smiled warmly sitting up.
"It's been a while since I have seen you," I told him as he set down a picnic basket. That wasn't true. I just saw him last week. But it was more fun to tease him. My mom must have sent that with him thinking it would help with my wish to go out. A picnic in a hospital. It was a poor choice.
"What? You found a girlfriend so you don't have time for the rest of us anymore?" I teased and he scowled.
He laid out the contents of the basket perfectly on the table.
"Raven's feeling better." He said as if he knew I wanted to know about her. She had been looking like a zombie these past few days. Not much better than Blaze. I had forced her to go sleep. Zarine wasn't much better either. They had made me promise that the next time I would include them in my escapades. I had nodded even though we all knew I wouldn't take them to the vampire colonies let alone allow them entry.
Zarine took small bites off his sandwich and we made small talk for a while. We talked about his life with Jason and how he was thinking of starting school, the subjects he wished to take, and the friends he wished to make. I couldn't help but tease him about finding his mate. He had blushed and swatted at me for that.
He told me Jaso n and the gang were coming around too. That he could feel the guilt in the air every time I was mentioned. It smiled at that.
His orange hair was similar to mine, every time I saw it couldn't resist rubbing it.
It was a while before he left. He left after giving me a pointed look to not get into any trouble. That kid was getting too smart for his good. The nurses burst in after that making sure all my vitals were alright and then left too. They were extra precautious thanks to Blaze's warnings and threats to the hospital.
The same lonely darkness descended again. And it was just the ceiling and I, again.
I lay there staring at it for a while before making up my mind. I didn't care what they all said I was getting out of here. Period.
I grabbed a jacket and sneaked out. Blaze knew me all too well so I knew he had stationed guards around here. So going out the front wasn't an option. I just jumped out the window, landing softly on my feet.
I wobbled for a bit. My legs weren't used to holding my weight let alone a jump. Blaze wouldn't even let me get the slightest bit of exercise. If I was at Sam's I would be back into my usual schedule by now.
Sam...
I closed my eyes, to erase him from my mind. When I felt better I took off for the woods.
I was glad I had grabbed a spare jacket. The air was very chilly.
I made my way towards the edge of the woods and had a leisurely walk/run to the packhouse. I tried tempting Zian to shift and take over, runs were her favorite after all but there was no response. It's been a while she responded. I missed her. Soon she would just fade into the background of my mind and I wouldn't even know she was there. She was dormant. Hibernating.
Even with the cheery nature, I showed Blaze and the others, something felt wrong these days. I couldn't put my finger in it, But I felt suffocated. Like I needed to leave and do something. I didn't want to worry anyone farther than I had so I kept it mostly to myself. I hope they didn't notice. It was hard for Blaze to notice the subtleties too, without the bond that is.
I would be lying if I said the absence of it didn't pain me. Sometimes I missed his presence in my mind. Probably because it deterred me from my negative thoughts. That made me laugh bitterly. How pathetic was I that I needed someone to monitor my thoughts for me now?
The packhouse was bustling as usual. For the first time in weeks, I could see the crowds. It had been weeks already.
I wanted to surprise Blaze so I climbed in through the window, sneaking around to his room. He wasn't there. So I went searching towards his office. The voices were muffled but my hearing was coming back so I could hear them if I concentrated. A female voice filtered through.
"How did we end up like this?" Someone asked. My eyes widened recognizing it as Jem's voice. I crept closer to his door snd pushed it in slightly to spy on them. Blaze was standing looking agitated while she sat with her back to me.
He would have sensed me if we still had the bond. But as it stood, my spying was left unperturbed. If I hadn't controlled my breathing he would have noted at least that.
"I know we have others now. But it was fun while it lasted. You... are not a bad person, Blaze" I looked down twiddling with my hair.
There was a pause. Then she stood up.
"Thank you for everything Blaze. I wanted to tell you this sooner. Bit it was just me saving you, you saved me too. The colonies... they can get rough." She said. And don't I know it. Vampires could be ruthless, maybe it was because they didn't have as many limitations as we did. Even Scott had been confused why I found the sleep schedule Sam had for me so difficult.
"Anyways, it's true that I came here to spy on you. But you had shown me a world of warmth no one else had and I had found myself genuinely falling for you,"
I should have felt something at that statement shouldn't I? Anger? Jealousy? Sadness?
Then why was it that I only felt pity?
Didn't I want him? Over the past few weeks, I thought I was falling for him. But was that what it was? Or just a dependency?
"It felt wrong to keep spying on you. I want you to know that after that happened after I fell for you, I didn't spy on you. Not really. I gave them false information about your training and everything else. I kept it as elusive and vague as I could. I-" She said urgently, her tone picking up speed with every word.
Blaze said something to interrupt her but I couldn't catch that.
"I am sorry for everything.." She whispered. I almost missed it.
She whispered something else but I couldn't catch that. I still couldn't hear that well.
Suddenly Blaze pulled her into a hug. She hugged him back.
Unexpectedly, I found myself smiling. Amongst all the chaos around us, that moment, that one sincere moment they shared had felt so wholesome. Everything could be forgotten for a second.
If I am being honest... they did look like a good fit. They were perfect for each other. On the other hand. I looked like something that crawled out of a grave. I had lost so much weight.
Mate or not, Blaze has had a much better relationship with her the I have ever had. My shoulders slumped forward. I was almost jealous. I couldn't tell whether it was of Blaze or Jem or their relationship in general.
I have never had that with anyone. Forget the mate bond, I haven't even had a sincere and genuine friendship. How could I get into a relationship when I haven't even experienced the simpler forms of it?
It felt wrong to be listening in like this. This moment especially felt private.
I softly closed the door behind me leaving them, in their hug as I quietly sauntered to the room, contemplating.
I sat on his bed softly. His scent was still strong in the room. His cologne, mixed with his natural pine tree scent. I almost chuckled at the days I used to save up to buy a pine tree-scented perfume to lull myself to sleep with. I used to be so obsessed with him!
I had half a and to curl up in his bed. But I didn't.
I wasn't angry at him. I have had enough of anger for the past few months. It had destroyed enough. Me and everything around me. I just wanted to let go now. Live in peace.
I didn't blame him. I didn't feel betrayed that his heart would sway towards someone else. Especially with everything I had put him through. If he chose someone else now couldn't stand n the way. Not again, I wouldn't. I wasn't that selfish.
Did I love him? Truly? Had I forgiven him? Or was I choosing him out of desperation and vulnerability? Because I had no one better?
He had told me he had loved me and when I asked for an explanation he had told me it was because I was his mate. But I wasn't his mate anymore. We didn't have the bond anymore. We are as good as strangers now. Any random girl he met on the street could give him what I gave him. It didn't have to be me.
Besides, it would be completely justified if he went with someone. It's not like we had a proper relationship, to begin with. We hadn't even kissed for god's sake. He had marked me but it wasn't like I had allowed him to do that. everything was the other way with us. So wrong.
Compared to what he had with Jem, we still hadn't even crossed the first milestone.
I closed my eyes. What do I do?
Or.., more accurately, what did I want?
I wanted something. But I didn't know what. The suffocating feeling was rising again. My lungs felt constricted and my heart felt like it could explode.
What did I want? What did I want? WHAT DID I WANT? I held my head and bent down as it started to throb.
It felt like the dark monster rising again. My ears rang and blood roared in my veins.
And suddenly it made sense. I opened my eyes in shock. The monster receded all on his own this time finally unveiling all that it wanted to for so long. I knew what I wanted. I have known it for a while now but didn't want to admit it to myself. I knew it when I closed my eyes at night and when I woke up in the morning. I wanted it so badly.
And for once I wanted to listen to my heart. My wishes had been tucked away so deeply. Not my wolf's or Sam's but mine. I wanted to listen to it for once.
I wanted freedom.
Freedom from it all.
If I have any doubts till now, then seeing his interaction with jem was enough to blow them all away.
It had been so long since I had listened to my wishes that it came as a shock to me that I even had any. I had to force it out of myself to my consciousness.
I wanted to get away. I knew that with conviction now. I needed to get away from everything- this environment, the pack, the gang, the vampires... Blaze.
I need to get away from it all. I needed to start life afresh where I had more control. I needed to be free where I had some semblance of control over the choices I made.
The idea felt so right. It settled so well and elicited such warmth against my thumping heart that I almost cried then and there. It was bog mystery solved to me. I have wanted it for so long. It was finally the end of an era!
But where would I go? I couldn't go to the vamps and I didn't want to. The only other option was the human world. I was glad Sam had taken me out since I had a catalog of places from my memories to choose from. It didn't matter if the place was beautiful or comfortable or anything, just that I got to be isolated and alone and I could choose what I wanted with my life.
And suddenly I had it. The perfect place.
It wasn't a solid plan. And I didn't want to think about how I would pull it off, all I knew was that I needed this time to myself. To find out who I am without any external influences. Even if I was to accept someone, I couldn't accept him without going through this. I needed time to know what I wanted first. But it didn't matter, I didn't intend on returning. Whether he wanted me or not wouldn't be of consequence to me since he would have to track me first.
I just needed to find myself.
Finally.
The air whooshed out of my lungs slowly.
Why didn't I see it sooner? It was so obvious!
I didn't have much to prepare, if I wanted I could leave tonight. Maybe it was that realization or maybe it was because I had been suppressing it for so long but I felt my blood boiling with excitement at that thought. To finally just get away and live for me. There was a certain romance to it.
I took deep breaths to calm myself down and stop squealing at the thought. There was a sense of calm from finally accepting it.
For years I had been influenced by Sam and Zian and before that I was too young to realize. I needed to be free to choose what I wanted for myself.
That is why I chose to leave. My mind raced with the possibilities. The precautions I needed to take. What I would need to take with me. I didn't have many belongings. Excluding the clothes and other stuff my parents and Blaze had brought for me, my things, the bare essentials I needed to survive could be carried in just one hand with another to spare. I also had the chip implant to consider. I would probably have to take that out before I left. I worried Zian would be an issue but she hadn't responded in weeks now. That wasn't necessarily a bad sign. A berserk wolf, cutting contact with me might be for the best.
Soon she would just melt into the background of my mind and I wouldn't even be able to differentiate her presence. She was laying dormant.
But wolf or no wolf, if I had to, I would survive alone.
That thought itself was freeing. I felt like I hadn't in months.
Suddenly I heard the front door burst open. I came to the doorway of the bedroom to see what the commotion was. Blaze looked panicked as he searched for something.
"Whatchu looking for?"I hoped my voice sounded as jovial as I made it and that my expression wouldn't betray me when he gazed at my face.
"My keys," he grunted absently before he suddenly turned.
I wasn't sure if she could sense my nervousness in all his turmoil. His face morphed from panic to relief and then a warm smile. If we still had the bond he would have known by now.
Mabe the bond's disappearance ve was a sign from the moongoddess that this was the right decision. That we weren't right for each other.
"Zara..." He whispered so low that I knew he called my name only from the movement of his lips.
I was suddenly enveloped in the warmth of his arms. He pulled back to scan my face and the rest of my body to see if I had torn open my stitches. I almost rolled my eyes at that.
"Calm the bejesus. Geez. I am all fixed and brand new from the hospital." I said and he laughed slightly.
He still tried to push me onto the bed subtly. Probably to tuck me in again.
"Oh give it a rest will you?" I snapped.
"I have been lying on a bed like that for days. I will genuinely go crazy if I have to lie on one again." I said in a no-nonsense tone. I was already healed up and the doctors had discharged me weeks ago. It was Blaze who insisted on keeping me there.
He smiled sheepishly before pulling me to an armchair instead and settling me on his lap.
His warmth felt so intoxicating. I didn't want to let go. My hands curled tightly around his shirt. A sudden panic of missing all this seized me but I gulped it down as soon as it came. This was familiar. Where I was going wasn't. It's the human world for god's sake. Is that even a place for wolves?
If things were different maybe I would have stayed and chosen him. Fought for him. But I had no strength left in me.
Turn be told, a small part of me didn't want to let him go. Don't want to give him up to someone else. That was the selfish part of me I suppose.
It felt good when he treated me so well even after what had happened with Jem. There was no doubt in his face. No sign of betrayal. But I knew better than to keep him here. Maybe he hadn't realized his feelings yet. Maybe my leaving would finally wake him up to that and he could choose whoever he wanted. Girls will have no problem throwing themselves at him. He would have no shortage. He could easily date someone else.
He played with my hair and would occasionally kiss the top of my head. I thought about the precautions I needed to take so I could completely disappear off the surface of the earth. So he wouldn't be able to find me.
It felt ironic that I would be thinking of this while encircled in the warmth of his arms.
He asked me what I wanted to eat and I had said something noncommitedly. He had still ordered it. I was only broken out of my reverie when there was a knock on the door. The faint scent of a maid and food caught my nose. Ever so slowly even my superior sense of smell was coming back.
If things went ahead like this I should be able to survive without too much difficulty.
I suddenly felt his hand on mine as I stood up.
He looked like a child who got his favorite toy taken away from him. As if he didn't want me to wander too far. I gave him a knowing smirk. His possessiveness was cute. And it would have made me rethink more if hadn't seen him with Jem.
I slipped my hand away and I tied my hair into a high pony getting ready to eat. The maid set up the food and left. We joked and made small talk after we began eating. Neither of us was that hungry and this was just a small snack before bed.
He helped me change into my jams. I had almost forgotten about the wounds hadn't healed. It wasn't so bad that I needed his help but I still accepted it graciously. There wasn't much to see anyway as I was mostly wrapped in bandages. I was thankful he didn't ask me how I managed to walk to the packhouse with all these injuries.
For now, we just enjoyed each other's company.
He tucked me in and got in with me once I was settled and he had changed as well. It didn't feel right to stare at him when he changed so I didn't turn. He might have mistaken it for shyness. But the eagerness in his face to climb in indicated that he hadn't even noticed my averted gaze, I smiled at him as he intertwined his hand with mine before pulling me close to him from behind. I was his little spoon.
No words were spoken as he kissed my shoulder and fell asleep right beside me. Everything seemed so perfect.
But I knew it wasn't to last.
I didn't even have to put any sleeping pills in his food or knock him out. I was worried he would get up. But I didn't have to worry.
Maybe it was the exhaustion catching up or maybe it was having a warm presence with him on the bed or maybe it was because of the relief he had when he held me but he was dead asleep.
I slowly got up. He looked so serene. He looked so much younger when he slept. No frown lines. It was easy to forget his age when he was awake. He had too many responsibilities.
I quietly changed out of the pajamas and left them neatly folded at the end of the bed. Then I grabbed the duffel bag that knew he had stashed in his wardrobe when he had moved me in here. Thankfully he hadn't unpacked yet. Most of my hoodies and jeans were easily inside. I had been in and out of hospitals and pajamas for the last couple of weeks,
I didn't have much packing-wise. I packed a pocket knife for safety measures and because I would need it to get my chip out. He could track me with that otherwise.
I walked around the room, scanning it to make sure I had everything I needed. My purse, a bottle of water, some snacks for the road, (it wasn't a short run to the nearest human city where I would need to take a bus to the airport) I even had the fake I.D and passport Sam has printed for me in my purse, I had carried it around as a precaution. To leave if nothing went well. I was thankful I did. I will change my name again once I reached just to be sure, I also had enough money in my account under the fake name from the missions Sam had made me take. I hadn't spent it on anything. That would be enough for a few months before I found a job. I had to hide for a while after all.
I knew if I had removed the chip here, the sharp scent of blood could wake him. I could disable it with a strong voltage but I couldn't do that without harming myself. And with my healing powers still recovering I couldn't put myself in harm's way recklessly.
So I moved on to the next task. I wrote a short letter to everyone in the gang, apologizing again. Jason especially got a long apology letter. I wanted to leave them with something before I left. I left especially long ones for Raven and Zarine too. With this, I could have a clear conscience. It was mostly selfish on my part.
I even left specific advice for Zarine. Things that I didn't say when we talked. About his plans for the future and the subjects, he wanted to take. It took me almost two hours to finish all the letters. I was afraid Blaze would wake up in the time I took to finish these. But he slept like a baby. So exhausted. That spoke volumes.
I even left one for my parents. Careful to make sure that I didn't mention where I was going or what I was planning to do, just that I will be okay. I also left the sim card in my phone with the letters since they could immediately use it to track me. My dad wouldn't be able to track, my phone itself as I had Lexi and my powers as a big advantage to stop that. I could stop him with the sim too but it just felt better to leave everything from my old life behind. Plus they will know it was useless to call me or track me with it once I left.
I didn't write a letter to Blaze. What could I even say? I felt indebted to him. I had come to know that he had hidden that I killed Derek's mate too. He had accepted me despite all that. And this felt like one debt I couldn't repay right now. I didn't like being indebted to anybody let alone Blaze.
I had questioned Zian about it and she had shut me out letting me know that she had been behind killing Derek's mate. Another crime I had committed. I have so much to process, but I didn't allow myself that oblivion.
For the first time, I started wondering how much she hid from me, how much she had erased from my consciousness or kept to herself, how much she had hidden from me. But I still hadn't got the time to deal with all that. I will face it... eventually and try and wake her up from the hibernation for an explanation. She had dominated me for too long.
I knew for a fact that Blaze may throw a little tantrum and scan through these letters for any clue. I hoped that leaving my sim here would clue him in on the fact that I didn't want to be found. I hoped he would be free to move on then and choose someone else.
Once I was sure I had everything I was ready to leave.
But I still felt like was I was missing something. I looked at Blaze's sleeping form and I knew what I wanted finally.
I gently sat on the bed next to him. He stirred a little searching for me and I held his hand to calm him. He immediately fell back into a deep sleep.
Stacy was used to taking a lot of the gang's photos and she would post them all in the online group we had. I had many of those of the gang-Jason. Zarine. Jake, Drake, Jason, Amelia, Hails, and even Raven who was forced into them.
Blaze didn't hang out with them too much. And couldn't get too friendly with them as the alpha so all the pictures I had of him were from afar or too blurry. I bent down and kissed his hand before taking a picture of him without the flash on. It was a full moon night so I didn't need it. It was a good keepsake of my previous life.
I took a few photos and then smirked and brushed his hair out of his forehead. He had such a ragged and casually messy look about him all the time. He was undeniably hot.
I took a few more shots of him knowing full well how stalkerish and creepy it was. In my defense, he was my mate. Atleast formerly. It's only normal to want a picture of him. I kissed him on the forehead one last time and he slightly moaned in his sleep making me smile.
He looked beautiful in these images. Perfectly sculpted ad handsome on his side lit by the moonlight, his eyebrow piercing gleaming steadily(he had put it back on eagerly after the party, I almost laughed remembering) and long eyelashes fanning his face. The blanket was pulled to his waist and a slight sliver of his skin peeked out from under the T-shirt exposing his toned abs a little bit. And I would be lying if I said I didn't think about abandoning all these ideas and labeling them crazy before crawling back in there with him and calling it a day.
But I knew I couldn't.
I couldn't do it to myself. I owed myself more than that. After everything.
Before I could help myself I found his picture set as my home screen. There is no crime against admiring something that was made to be admired right? Lexi would have teased me about it if I allowed her to be awake now, but she was disabled for now. I would wake her up later to help with my subterfuge.
Then I whispered something in his ears. A few final words before I left. It was secret just between us.
I turned to leave and stood next to the window. I smiled looking down at my phone. If nothing else I would have this at least. I wanted to always be able to see his serene sleeping face and hope he wasn't doing too bad for himself. He would make some girl very happy one day. I knew that.
I still felt a bit guilty for leaving like this but I pushed it down. I didn't have the energy to deal with all the drama and the weeks it would take before and the decision was made. Besides this was best for Blaze to realize his true self. I could do at least this much for him.
I looked once final glance at his sleeping face. Imprinting everything about him to my memory, this moment felt so precious and private. Like a little secret of mine. I didn't want to forget him, my precious God-given mate. And Blaze and this room will be the last snippet of this life I see before I leave all of this for good. I wanted to take it all in one last time.
There was a real possibility we would never see each other- if I had my way that is. I smiled sadly, closing my eyes and making sure I had everything about him down to the tiniest little detail.
I wasn't sure if it was him I would miss or this place itself. Everything was familiar, I knew everyone here. Outside could be monsters that I never knew of.
Meh, how much worse could they be?
I needed my freedom more than anything. And I was sure that as things stood I wouldn't make a good luna. It was better to remove myself than bring harm to the pack. I was too cowardly, too broken to be a healing presence to others. I wanted to cultivate relationships. Real ones that weren't started from a bond or because they felt sorry for me. I know the human world was perfect for this. A clean slate. I was ready for my real-world adventure.
I turned my head back to the window, the familiar gardens of the pack were to open an unfamiliar path to me, leading far, far away. I took a deep breath and then I was jumping out the window and making my way towards the woods my bag in one hand.
I didn't turn back after that.
Not once...
Maybe I should have, however... because then I might have seen that behind me my mate struggled to keep his breathing consistent as he finally realized what I needed to be happy. And that it wasn't by his side. To knowingly let me go as his slow but oncoming tears left deliberate marks on his cheeks and the pillow beneath him.
Perhaps it's a good thing that I never knew, that when he said he loved me, whether it was due to the bond or not, he had indeed loved me enough...
to let me go.
Hi, Lovelies,
Please note that the story officially ends here. We have had an incredible journey together. I never thought I would complete this book when I started because it was just meant to be a time pass. But then I found you guys who enjoyed the book as much as I loved writing it. And I knew it would be unfair to leave you all hanging.
So here we are. After almost five years, this book is finally done.
I know many of you didn't like Zara's choices in the end and many of you didn't understand her decisions either. I thought about changing the end to something different after seeing your reactions but this was how I had envisioned it all those years ago so I decided to stick with it.
If there is anything I wanted my readers to take away from it, it wasn't the romance(or hatred) or even her relationship with other characters like her parents and friends. I wanted to highlight her relationship with herself. This book was a personal journey for her. It was about well... Zara finding herself!
I know this isn't a very common theme in Wattpad and if it is, it's certainly not very common in the werewolf genre lol. And perhaps that's why you guys would find this ending kind of unusual.
But worry not the next two updates- chapter 122 and Epilogue are to be considered an alternate ending. The book officially ends in this chapter and this is the original ending. But I thought instead of my explaining her thought process Zara should explain it herself. So in the next two chapters, you will see Blaze going after her again and the reasons she gave him for her leaving him. I hope her thought process throughout the book would become clearer to you like that.
And as promised, I will be holding a Q&A session right after that. So you guys can ask me any questions you have about the book. We can have even bring back the specific questions to a character, where you can ask a specific question to the character of course. Just make sure to type the character's name in front of the question.
With that, I leave you all for now. I will see you all next Sunday for the Q&A session since the two updates will only be done by Tuesday. Any questions you have will be addressed then. So please type your questions between now and then.
And that's all.
As usual, please vote, comment, and follow. I am very interested to know what you think of the book.
Bye-bye lovelies.
Until Saturday :)