I think I allowed myself to be too happy. That must have been it. I got too used to the comforts around me, forgot how easily they could be taken away from me. I'd convinced myself I could have this type of life. A hero to the public, a friend and colleague to the Avengers, and a lover to Loki in secret. Because it was perfect. I had been thriving, even in spite of my looming insecurities. Following the charity ball, I'd begun to train with the team again now the threat of Hydra was minimal, and they were being called on more usual terrorist threats. There were even whisperings of me gaining clearance again. It helped. Kept me busy. No one said anything to me about what happened. About the rumours around Loki and I that still wouldn't die. About the talk about what happened at the ball and the concern that he had tried to hurt me. People did talk about it, I knew that for certain. Once I heard hushed shouts coming from Tony before FRIDAY warned him of something, just as I rounded the corner to find him with Steve and Nat. It was completely unnerving, but I did my best to ignore it. I'd rather no one talk to me about it. Alex spent a lot of time around me again, shadowing me during my training and then trying to fill my empty evenings. I think he was worried that Loki had some supernatural control over me, it was probably a more comforting thought that it was solely my choice to be with him. Still, I couldn't complain. It was nice to have company on the nights I would be alone. I found out I didn't do well wallowing in my own thoughts. If I wasn't with Alex then Wanda and Nat would spend time in my room as well. Better to remain busy.
It didn't stop the nightmares coming back at night. I hadn't realised how safe I had begun to feel at night when I was with Loki. Even when I would wake up in my own bed, the nightmares had stopped when I fell asleep beside him. Maybe the abundance of seiðr around me had caused me to feel safe enough. It was always either one of two things. A clouded and fractured memory of my time in Hydra, one of my kills or what they referred to as training and I know knew was torture. Or a dream where I was back with them. Each time they would get me, and I would cry out for Loki. Scream as loud as I could. Often no sound would leave me. On the times that Loki could hear me he just watched with a smile as I was dragged away. Overall, I wasn't getting much sleep and was overworking myself again. I think Loki knew how rough I was finding it. We didn't really talk, and he never showed up for training again. I didn't expect him to either. But he was still there. He made his presence more known now we weren't spending time together alone. Whenever I was in a communal area with others he and Thor seemed to be there. It was hugely out of character for him, and it set Alex on edge completely. I thought he just wanted to keep an eye on me. If I looked half as exhausted as I felt I'm sure at least a part of him was worried. Still, life went on.
The next time I spoke to Loki was on my birthday. Not much happened that day, which is exactly what I wanted. To my surprise, Loki walked into the training room in that morning as I was sparring with Alex as I had been the past couple of days. I couldn't help but meet his eyes as he walked in the room. I was drawn to him far too easily. At first he seemed almost nervous, but it completely changed once he saw me and Alex together. I almost rolled my eyes at how obvious he was with his disdain of Alex. Then the cold mask fell over his face and then he laughed that deep mocking laugh that got under my skin. A loud clunk rang out as my dagger hit the floor in my distraction.
"Something funny?" I spat out, causing him to laugh harder at me.
"I thought you wanted to improve your craft, but clearly I was mistaken." I picked my dagger up and moved away from Alex, ignoring the way he said my name in a clear warning.
"And have you graced us with your presence to teach us mere mortals how to fight like a true Asgardian prince? Because I can save you the time and get Thor if that's the case." The venom dripped from every word I spoke, and it wasn't lost on Loki who flinched slightly at my tone. I sighed as soon as I saw it, regretting what I said but lost in my anger over the entire situation. In a flash of green Loki summoned his daggers in a clear challenge. I flipped my own blade, catching the hilt perfectly before moving to pick another, ignoring another warning from Alex as I did.
He followed me to the sparring mat, examining his daggers as I took up my stance.
"I'll even make it fair for you. I won't use seiðr." I rolled my eyes at his cocksureness and instantly lunged for him. I'd planned to get him off guard, proving his arrogance wrong. Instead he dodged perfectly at the right moment. I hadn't expected him to be ready so instantly. He dropped the dagger in his right hand before catching it with his left. In the same moment, he brought his right arm out to connect with mine. He took advantage of my weak grip, forcing the dagger out of my hand and to the floor. In the next instant, he gripped my arm and spun me into a hold, my other dagger lost on the floor as well. I tried to shove my body forward to break out of the hold but was unable to as his hands gripped me almost painfully.
"Pathetic." He hissed in my ear, causing my blood to instantly boil. Then he shoved me away and stepped back. I whipped around to face him, hair twirling behind me and bouncing against my left cheek.
"Loki wh–"
"Again." He demanded, cutting me off. I tried to keep my emotions in check as he continued to goad me, but he was pushing me too far. Without uttering a word, I used my magic to bring my daggers off of the floor and into my hands. The second the hilts hit my palm he lunged at me, only giving me one second to be able to dodge his attack. His blade inches from my face as he swiped down in front of me.
I backed off but stumbled on my feet, falling down before I could comprehend what happened. He took the opportunity gladly, lunging to pin me to the floor and pressing his dagger to my neck. Tears sprung to my eyes, both from the tiredness I felt and the embarrassment.
"I yield." I whispered. He gazed into my eyes, the moment in time seeming to last much longer than it did. There was a sadness in them, a recognition of the gap that had formed between us.
"Kaya..." He whispered, pain clear despite his words being barely audible. Then the glass door slammed open.
"That's enough." Alex demanded. For a second I thought he would stay. He looked at me as if he wanted to stay. I certainly wanted him to despite my better judgement. The hum of our seiðr was electric under our skin, it made me feel whole again. Even without that, I felt better with him around. And then he left, disappearing in a whisp of green seiðr. As soon as his weight was gone the tears began to fall. After Alex helped me up I retreated to my room, pausing briefly by his door. Despite everything I wanted to be in his arms. Still, I kept my word to Alex and didn't, walking past his apartment and going straight for my bed. Which is where I found a gift wrapped in an emerald fabric and a golden bow with a note beside it.
Kaya,
I wished things were better between us so I could give this to you in person.
Happy Birthday, elskan mín.
Loki Odinson.
It was a dagger, designed exactly like his. It balanced just as perfectly in my hand. Beautiful black leather grip with a golden hilt, the now iconic swirls etched into it. But instead of an emerald fused into the pommel it was a beautiful yellow gem I couldn't identify. With a small sad smile, I placed it on my bed stand before lying down and staring at it. The rest of the day passed without much happening. We all gathered in the evening to drink and play board games, with Loki slinking into a corner with a book. I drank far too much, Nat and Wanda helping me into bed. It was an okay day, certainly not as over the top as some of the birthdays here could be. It was the type of night I wanted, even if my attention kept drifting to the corner of the room. It was another week until Loki and I spoke again. Most of the team were out on a mission and I was baking cookies when Tony walked into the kitchen.
"Should I call in a potential biohazard warning?" He teased, picking up the mostly empty bowl of mixture and swiping his finger inside of it before tasting it.
"I don't know, have I poisoned the great Tony Stark?" He laughed gently as I snatched the bowl from his hands and began to wash it.
"Only one person could ever poison me. And trust me it isn't you." He hopped up onto the counter. It made me instantly suspicious. Tony never stayed around very long. He was always busy, distracting himself from his break with Pepper with lab work. In fact, around now the machine should be turning on. For him to be here, instead of downstairs was suspicious enough.
"And who, pray tell, could possibly poison Iron Man?" I smiled at him as I cleaned up the counters and put away all the ingredients, hiding the sugar behind a panel so Thor couldn't find it to experiment.
"Why me of course." He smiled down at me and I rolled my eyes.
"Okay Tony, what do you want? Because whatever it is needs to wait around twenty to thirty minutes." He sighed, his smile faltering. Whatever it was, I wasn't going to like it clearly.
"I've got the machine working at full capacity again. I think I'm at the point where I can begin to attempt to reverse engineer it." I practically lit up like a Christmas tree. This was brilliant news, knowing that soon I would be able to leave the house without looking over my shoulder constantly. I could go on missions without worrying about putting my friends in danger. But then his sombreness kicked in. He was hesitant and it involved me. He should be jumping for joy and making snarky remarks about his genius. And he wasn't. He sat on a counter looking like he was about to do something he didn't want to. Something that would hurt him.
"Just say it, Tony." I turned away. I couldn't face him, worried he was going to tell me he thought it wouldn't work. That I would always be a timebomb in the heart of the Avengers compound.
"To figure out how it works I need to monitor it when it's in use. More specifically, I'll need to monitor your vitals and have FRIDAY and possibly Vision analyse what it is doing." So, he thought he could do it. But it involved activating me first. It involves me being put back in the machine. "And I can't deactivate any part of it to be sure."
"Okay."
"Kid..."
I sighed, focussing all of my attention away from the kitchen and to him.
"No really, it's okay. If anything I'm more annoyed knowing that Loki will have to be there." I muttered the last part and Tony finally bit.
"I've been meaning to ask you about that. What happened on the trip, Kaya?" With a sigh, I turned back to the washing up and started to wash up by hand which no one ever seemed to do here.
"Nothing too serious. The rumours got to me a lot, they still do. Loki struggled as well with the hospital thing, which I was yet to thank you for by the way." Tony held his hands up and backed off.
"We don't have to have him there, necessarily. We could try getting through to you afterwards without all the hocus pocus." I chuckled slightly.
"Loki needs to be there, and you need to give me a few hours to convince him." He groaned, hoping from the counter and resting his hand on my shoulder. "I'm pretty sure he already knows the trigger words, Tony. Plus, you know he is the only one who could be able to bring me back without it being too dangerous. Despite us not really talking, I still trust him, and really that's what matters." He frowned, unspoken questions clear in his eyes. He was concerned about mine and Loki's friendship, especially following the rumours. Ever since Tony has looked at me differently. Like he's scared I'm going to run away if he makes a sudden move.
Still, he nodded and walked out without saying anything. I found myself knocking on Loki's door with a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies half an hour later. To my surprise, the door opened on its own and I found Loki is his usual spot, reading on his sofa. It was an Asgardian book hovering above him, and below he was writing in a black one. I smiled as I realised he was still translating all of the books we took from Asgard, noting that I had to start reading them in the order he used FRIDAY to list them.
"What's wrong?" He asked instantly, jumping up from the sofa and making everything else vanish as I walked over. A small smile lifted my lips
"Who's to say anything is wrong?" I muttered as I placed the cookies on the table and stood
"You haven't approached me for two weeks now. When you do, you knock on my door which you never do. And on top of it, after all this time, you bring me cookies. Therefore, I will ask again. What's wrong?" I sighed, knowing I couldn't avoid it but not knowing how to convince him to do this. Or if he would even do it for me anymore. Hell, I didn't even want to do this.
"I... I know that things aren't good between us right now, and I have no right asking you for anything. But I need a favour." After some hesitation, he walked slowly over to me and pressed his hand up to my cheek. I found myself leaning into it without thinking about it.
"Kaya... you could do much worse than run from me and I would still always be there for you if you needed me. What do you need?" I closed my eyes as I felt the warmth of his hand on my cheek. I found myself lost in the little memories I had from the machine. There were flashes of pain, what felt like lightning coursing through my body. It was hot and painful as they pumped this liquid into me. And the liquid was heavy as it entered my skin and coursed through my veins. It made my whole body feel heavier. It wasn't pleasant, and I didn't know how well I could mask the pain I felt in it. Then it was the shocks, the unimaginable pain, and the darkness.
"I need you to do something for me. Something you won't like or want to do. But I need you to do it anyway. Without stopping it from happening." He stiffened immediately, removing his hand and backing away from me.
"Kaya..." He warned deeply.
"It's to help me. To help get this stuff out of my head. It's really important to me." My voice was barely a whisper as I talked. Without thinking, I closed the distance between us, moving my hand up to his cheek in a mirror of his earlier gesture to me. My heart sang as he leant into it, emotions swirled within me which only worsened as he turned to press a kiss into my palm. This was dangerous, and I was worrying close to doing something stupid. The call to him shouldn't be this strong. It shouldn't be a challenge to remain apart from him.
"Darling, I would do anything if it meant you felt safer and more secure. Why would I ever not want to do that?" I tried to ignore the flutter of my heart at his words. Once more pushing away the surge of emotions he raised in me.
"Just promise me. Please." I stroked my thumb idly over the skin on his cheek, ignoring the hurt that I was feeling.
"I promise, darling." The name was too much for me to feel, and I flinched back from him. Turning to try to conceal how I needed to wipe the moisture from my eyes. I nodded slightly as I turned for the door.
"Tony's lab, in about an hour." I called out before leaving for my room forcing myself into a scalding hot shower so I could cry in peace before I stepped willingly into hell.