I felt someone sitting next to me in the airplane on our way to Connecticut, I thought it would be Kath because we both somehow got separated seats from the rest. I didn't look over, I had my headphones on and my eyes were closed. But then someone pulled my headphones away and I knew who it was, Kath doesn't do that.
"Hey" Dani looked a little scared, I sighed and looked at her, waiting for her to say what she had in mind, "How're you feeling?" She asked me.
"Better."
"You haven't had a panic attack in years, I'm sorry..."
"Sorry for what?" I asked confused.
"It was my fault, that stupid fight that we had, I should've just let it go" She said as she looked down.
"Dani, that had nothing to do with you" I tried to reassure her but she shook her head, not believing me, "Look at me" I only continued when she did what I asked her to, "My thoughts were spiraling in a loop, it was my brain playing tricks with me, I did this to myself, not you" I explained as clear as I could to her.
"And..." She looked around us, to make sure no one we knew was around us, "Spencer had something to do with those tricks?"
"We broke up" I told her and sat straight, not looking at her.
"What happened?"
"I don't know... I was being stupid and I lost her" I shrugged my shoulders not wanting to start crying.
"And you can't fix it?" She asked.
"I called her yesterday after I got home, she didn't pick up. It's been a lot happening lately you know, and I just... Didn't let her be there for me, and I wasn't there for her..."
"It's your choice to not let her in if you don't want to, she shouldn't judge you for that"
"She just said I spent more time in church than with her, and she was right" I said lowering my voice hinting for her to do the same.
"No, Laur, you're allowed to-"
"Dani!" I stopped her, "You don't need to defend me. I'm not saying she was an angel in all of this, she could've reached out, ask me how I'm doing, be with me, or just not get mad and let me deal with everything like you said... I know all of that, but it was my fault too." I told her and that made stay her silence.
"I don't want you to get hurt Sugar" She just said and I smiled at her.
"I'll be okay."
"And I don't want us to fight anymore, I'm really sorry for everything" Dani continued, I know telling her she didn't have to apologize is not gonna ease her, so I put my hand on hers and nodded.
"I don't wanna fight either, this is our last tour together, gotta make it count" I winked at her and her mouth turned into a big smile.
"It'll be the best one."
"It better be."
**
"Go right here guys" Christina indicated us, "I'm gonna check this... It's great, okay, ready?"
"Do you think anyone's gonna see this?" Lisa asked us.
"There's only one way to find out" Kath answered, "Alright, you ready guys? Okay, ready? Three two... 'Hey, we're Cimorelli, we're six sisters from California and we're gonna sing Party In The USA'."
I heard the crowd understanding what we were doing and cheering as we started to recreate our first YouTube cover, this time on the stage, in front of a fake vintage video camera that Mike let us borrow.
After the introduction, when Fall Back started to play, I helped Amy place her mic-stand in place. I accidently put it a little too high for her but she managed it quickly while I laughed at her, I miscalculated how small she was.
I was thankful that Dani and I finally sorted our issues, this was the last tour with her, it would be stupid if we didn't enjoy every single second of it. And even though things were difficult, we were on stage, all of us, it was just time to enjoy it. Christina just had a miscarriage and she was strong enough to be here with a big smile on her face, so I could get over my breakup with Spencer and the panic attack I had yesterday for the first time in years and enjoy this.
"...My heard is pounding
Tryna hide it with some other guy
But I miss you and I wish that we could fall back"
I jumped backwards and almost tripped Christina that was behind me, but we laughed it off and recovered from it.
"But every time I catch you looking at me like that" I caught Christina's eyes and looked at her with a big smile while I mouthed the lyrics, Dani came over to me as we both teased her "I, I fall back..." After that I had to go change places with Lisa.
I tuned Christina out after Fall Back when she said a couple of words, I don't usually do that but because Christina always managed to get right through me with her speeches, I didn't want to get emotional right at the beginning of the show. The only thing I heard was the last thing she said, "Just take it all in", and I repeated it in a teasing way. She looked at me like she wanted to kill me for that roast but I just laughed at her.
I don't even know how Dani and I managed to keep our Renegade dance alive while we had that fight during the last weeks of rehearsals, but we did and it was fun. Then the next song was If It Isn't You, and only when fixed my earbud I started noticing the lyrics for real.
"But ever since you left, baby, I've been a mess
The stars in the sky don't shine as brightly"
Only then I started realizing what I was singing and the meaning of the lyrics.
"So tell me, would it be so bad if you came back?
Don't you remember how right it feels?"
I felt myself drowning but I forced myself to keep my eyes open, even if for a moment I closed them, I opened them immediately and focused on the people in front of me and singing the right notes. After that first part the rest of the song had nothing to do with my story, so I could enjoy it without overthinking the lyrics.
Did someone really ask for us to sing Pressure in the harmonizing challenge? By the my sister's reactions I guess they did. Lisa was already mumbling it when I came to them, they didn't want me to sing the melody and when I heard Lisa singing it I actually really wanted to hear what harmony she will bring in to this song, so I tried to tone them down nicely and let me sing the melody. It worked. And the harmonies were really good, I loved how my sisters did it. And it was unarguably our best song in this challenge, the rest was pretty much a fail.
Okay Lisa, I hate you, we've established that. Stop writing songs like Pretty Pink that I relate to. Now I have to disconnect from the feeling and just sing, pretend I'm okay and sing, and smile.
Christina called some fans on the stage when we did Katy Perry's cover, I didn't like the idea of bringing fans on the stage, I always thought it was awkward. Like we should pay attention to them but also to the crowd, I always opted to pay more attention to the crowd, being too close to the fans on stage was making feel uncomfortable and insecure. Thankfully, as always, my sisters covered for me and gave them enough attention.
Now was the moment I was most stress about. Dani and I sat on the ground, counted to three and revealed the cups. Another thing we both had to practice while fighting, but we already had it memorized because we've done it so many times before. We just needed to remember to hit the floor hard enough for the microphones to get it and not mess up. I wasn't expecting for my mic to drop down during the song, it was kinda funny,it wasn't that bad, and I didn't mess up, so it as a proud moment.
Giving away some merch to the fans was Spencer's idea, it's not something you'd see artists do usually in their concerts. After we had our meeting about selling our merch outside the venues she said it wasn't worth it, a lot of the fans that came to our shows also paid for the meet and greet, they were teenagers mostly who came all the way to venues to see us and already spent enough money for that. The venues were not that big, so the cost of selling the merch wasn't worth it. Those were the calculations we expected Spencer to do when we hired her, I don't think any of us would have thought this through and had the idea of just giving some merch to the crowd for free in the middle of the show.
"Yeah, I'm a small-town girl, they try to change me
You hear that? That's my drummer
I got my own beat"
"I'm not gonna stop being who I am
Or stop doin' what I love
Throw 'em right back to you
Yeah, wassup"
That was scary and I will definitely kill Dani as soon as I get the chance, I thought I was gonna fall on my back when she got so close to me and hovered me. When I pushed her I could barely finish my line because I was scared for my life, but it was Dani, obviously I laughed it off at the end. I'll still kill her later though.
Okay, probably killing her while she was telling her Before October's Gone meaning wasn't the best thing. And then I realized we won't really catch a break until the end of the concert from now.
Somehow while singing Acid Rain I realized how different Spencer was from my past stories, even when we broke up. None of the breakup lyrics we were singing felt relatable, and we had a lot of those. Sure, I was grateful for that, I didn't wanna start crying in front of everybody on stage. I wrote something about my real feelings the night before our flight here, but as always, I'm not gonna release it anytime soon, I almost never do. I usually release my songs a long time after I actually wrote them, sometimes years after, when the feelings had died down a bit so I don't feel so exposed.
Then I had to introduce God Only Knows. It was weird talking about god before singing that song, I felt my voice tremble while talking, but I couldn't let my sisters down, the fans or god. I had to say those words, especially because they were true.
We didn't know what Christina will say in her speech. She usually tells us at least the general idea of what she will say, sometimes she also practiced this in front of us to get our inputs, or just for practice. But this time she didn't, and we didn't push her to tell us. Kath thought maybe Christina will tell her miscarriage story, but I knew she wouldn't, it was too close to her right now, too personal. I just don't know how she will be able to stand there and not break down right there, I probably wouldn't be able to.
You're Worth It was a favorite, by everybody, us and the fans. My sisters loved it because it was a moment to connect with the audience, sing straight to them, hold their hands and give them some strength. Dani and I barely held people's hands, even when they raised them in front of us. Dani was too ashamed, she felt like she wasn't worthy enough to give someone else's hand and sing it to them. Not worthy enough while singing You're Worth It, funny, I know. As for me, my crooked fingers wasn't something I felt comfortable to let people I don't know touch them. I didn't mind it when I knew them, friends, family, but just some strangers? As CimFam as they might be, it still made me uncomfortable. So Dani and I would just look at them and smile. And as always, we got the cover of our sisters who enjoyed it for us.
I press the button to start the music of I Believe In You, it was the first time we were performing it live, it wasn't even released yet. These people never heard that song before. I was hoping someone from all the fans that were recording the concert will upload this video, hopefully with Christina's little speech in the beginning, so maybe Hailee will hear it before the actual release. She needed to hear it. I dedicated the parts that I wrote and the entire idea of the song to her.
"You look in the mirror and you don't like what you see
The person looking back at you is not who you want to be"
When Dani turned away after that I saw she was on the verge of crying. When I first introduced the girls the idea of the song she felt it so close to her that she thought it was about her. So I guess the lyrics and the fact that this was the last song she recorded with us was getting her emotional right now. It was understandable.
"I see a survivor, a fighter
You're so worthy of love
You've got too much to give
Please don't give up on yourself
I see your flaws, I see your pain
And I see past all of it
I see the strength hidden within
Know you can rise out of this
You can do everything they said you couldn't do
Don't give up on yourself
I believe in you"
This entire part was for Spencer's sister. Part of it was from me and part from her parents, the part they told us but not to her.
I saw Kathrine looking to my side when we sang "Don't give up on yourself", I looked at that direction and saw Dani standing next to Lisa, she looked so sad and I smiled at her. I believed in her, that she was doing what's right for her, she had to believe it to. Lisa and I pointed at her when we sang it and it brought a smile on her face. Mission accomplished.
"I know it's not a good time but I have to tell everyone something." Dani said, somehow managing it with the tears she just wiped out.
When we came up with that little script I thought it was a really bad idea. People will look back at this after Dani will announce she's leaving and think we teased them, like somehow we were hinting them that Dani really does have something to tell everybody, and not that story about a boy she started to tell to introduce the last song. Dani seemed to love the idea of that line, it's like she wanted to give herself the option to spill the tea if she felt it was the right moment, and then surprise us all and just say it. I really hope she won't do it though, at any show. Like Christina says to her in the script "We're in the middle of the show, save this for later". Accurate.