Sloane Beck
"I don't think I can feel my vagina,"
The first sentence I heard when I woke up this morning.
Raising an eyebrow, I sat up.
To find Ellison Webber covered in blood.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! What the fuck happened to you!" I screeched, throwing the covers off of me running towards her. Her shorts that were once pink were now covered in dark red blood.
"I started my period?" I furrowed my eyebrows at her words. "Had you not started your period before?" I was in awe. Shyly she shook her head, "No and I didn't think I would ever get one. Do you have pads?" I was shocked.
She was a mini Naomi.
"What's going on? What's all of this screaming? It's not a game day?" Finn opened her bedroom door peaking out. I watched as she gasped seeing Ellie stand in my doorway with blood covering her legs and hands.
"Holy fuck am I dreaming or am I having deja vu?" Finn rubbed her eyes but then shook her head. "Ellie! Get off the carpet before you stain it!" She yelled at her as I was still looking at Ellie in shock.
"Can someone please get me a pad or for the love of God show me how to use a tampon in this house! Please! I don't feel like using my pillowcase as a diaper," Her frustration shown through as she threw her arms around in anger.
Quickly moving, I walked towards my bathroom rummaging until I finally found my stash. "What kind of tampon do you want? Regular? Super? Super Plus? Ultra?" I spoke with my head under my bathroom sink.
Hearing her footsteps enter my bathroom I heard her sigh. "I don't—I don't know. I don't know a lot about this stuff—" And now she was crying.
"It is four in the fucking morning little NJ. I'm gonna need you to tone it the eff down before I lay the hammer down in this bitch." My mouth dropped open as Finn approached us in the dim bathroom light.
"Harsh Finn! It's her first time starting her period. Have sympathy!" I handed the confused Ellie a regular-sized tampon before standing up. "I don't have any sympathy at the moment but I do have this," She paused and held up her middle finger.
That's it.
"Go back to bed. You're being a redheaded bitch," I shoved her out of the bathroom before locking the door. Turning to face Ellie, she was chewing on her lip. "Sorry," She whispered as I shook my head.
"It's all good, this isn't my first rodeo with people starting their periods at college." I teased but then pointed her towards my shower. "Take a shower, let me know if you need anything. I'll be waiting for you in the living room." I smiled at her turning to walk out.
"Wait!" She spoke as my hand found the door handle. I peered over my shoulder to see her smiling, nodding. "Thank you. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things and it's hard to talk to grandma. Naomi isn't here and I obviously can't talk to Penn about these things. I was a late bloomer—they put me on birth control to try to sort it out and I guess it did. Thank you for being the big sister I didn't get to have," Frowning at her words, she smiled at me.
"No problem, Ellie." I nodded towards her before walking out of the bathroom teary-eyed.
My heart broke for her.
Ellie was so kind, caring, and compassionate and it seemed as if many hadn't done the same back to her. She grew up in her brother's shadow and I related to that in more ways than one. Gwen and I are the same age—it's not fun getting compared to your sister.
However, I don't even think Ellie got compared to Penn, I think everyone had just ignored her for her twin brother.
She clearly had been bullied and I think Penn tried to put a stop to it, but obviously, he couldn't put a stop to everyone. I mean, what kind of big brother would fuck his sister's bully? I found that out from McCutchins a few weeks ago, but I still never told Ellie. I didn't confront Penn either but he was in for a rude awakening.
He protected her from everything but himself.
Sitting on the loveseat, I covered myself up with the throw blanket—getting comfortable. Ellie had sex before but she's never started her period? Lucky bitch didn't even have to worry about getting pregnant.
It was almost comical how this has happened to me not once but now twice. First with Naomi and now with little Naomi. I pray that Stella got the Williams side of the reproductive genes that way she doesn't start her period when she's nearly twenty.
Turning on the television I watched the news. There wasn't anything good on it was just who broke up with who, who wore what, and infomercials.
However, there was something else occupying my mind that I had been trying to push to the side of my thoughts but I couldn't any longer.
Blake.
He liked me.
And he cared for me.
Rubbing my face, I tried to remove the small smile appearing on my lips. One that always appeared when I would think of the boy that I still had so much to learn about.
Hopping off the couch, I ran down the hallway for my journal. Grabbing a trusty pen, I lit a candle in my bedroom before settling down.
Dear Charlie,
Although he could never replace you, I found someone.
Speaking his name even smells like trouble but it was trouble that I wanted to get in. I never thought I would find someone who would make me feel like life was somewhat worth living unless it was you. I thought Caden made me feel like life was worth living but I've concluded that he was a distraction. He was a distraction from my mind—being with Caden felt easy because I killed the time that I usually had to think about you.
And thinking about you caused me pain.
I still think about you all the time, but not in the same way as I did with Caden. I was so stupid for the longest time to ignore my feelings for him. I thought it was hatred and although he still gets on my nerves, it's more like a craving.
Like he's the craving that I want to indulge in even if it's bad for me.
Caden was my suffocation but Blake was my breath of fresh air.
Even if it felt like Blake was suffocating me half of the time—he was just right for me. And he confirmed it last night too. God, Charlie. The way he looked at me—the way he told me he hated me.
He doesn't hate me though. He actually likes me and he cares for me despite him being who he is or who I thought he was.
We were the modern-day Romeo and Juliet. Republican and Democrat. I was supposed to hate him and he was supposed to hate me, but it wasn't like that.
There was a very thin line between love and hate. There was a very thin line in between right and wrong. But somewhere in between the lines, there was a place for Blake and me.
I mean, Charlie. Can you believe this? Me going after him? When had I ever chased a boy? But I knew how to get under his skin so I used it to my advantage. I didn't think he was going to follow me out of his car last night. I thought he was going to leave me there.
But I just needed a moment in the cold air to shock myself.
He had confessed. He did in fact have a heart and he did like me. He liked me more than he thought.
Charlie, this would be so much easier if you were alive right now buddy.
It's okay though,
I'll still love you even when your six feet under.
Bologna.
Twirling my pen around in between my fingers, I reread what I wrote. I wasn't sad at the fact that the letters would never get sent because I felt Charlie all around me. I didn't know if spirits could read minds but I had to put pen to paper—I knew Charlie could read.
"Why are you smiling like that?" Finn was putting on her glasses, standing in my bedroom entrance. She was wearing the silk robe that my father had gotten all of us to match. Crossing her arms over her chest, she tapped her foot against the ground waiting for an answer.
But it was an answer that I wanted to keep private.
As much as my previous relationship was private—it was better. News traveled fast around this campus and the last thing I needed was for someone to find out that I was crushing hard on my ex-boyfriend's best friend.
I was keeping it in the friend group that was for sure.
Hearing the shower shut off, I crossed my legs underneath the blankets. My eyes flickered to the clock on my bedside table. It was a full moon tonight and although I had just been under the moon with him, I wanted to do it all over again.
Blake Day had actually liked me, holy shit.
I tamed the untamable.
It sounds silly because he was supposed to be my 'boyfriend' but now—was he really my boyfriend? Does he like me enough to not fuck anyone else? Would he leave a football press conference for me?
Would he judge me once he found out?
I don't think he has caught onto my eating disorder yet. He's definitely caught onto my mental illness though, but he didn't make fun of me for it. He had a mental illness too which in dark ways, made me feel better. I wasn't going through it alone.
"Where did you go earlier? We tried to call you but your phone was here? Not safe or cool, Bologna." Finn scolds me as I frowned.
If only they paid enough attention to know I left when I did or to check on me when I clearly wasn't doing the best.
Clearing my throat, I nodded. "So I failed my exam—the one I had been prepping for. I really needed a good grade to start the semester with but I couldn't do that." I ranted as she gasped.
"But you studied so hard for it!" She exclaimed, still whispering. I nodded, giving her a small smile. "Yeah, I know I did." Sighing, I threw my hair up in a bun on the top of my head. Walking towards me, she pulled me into her arms—hugging me.
"It's okay, Bologna. Those tests don't mean shit." I laughed at her as she smiled at me. "They do but I appreciate the enthusiasm," I teased her as she gave me a thumbs up. "And then I ran into Sam," I rushed out the words as Finn raised her eyebrows.
"And you don't have any blood on you? Sheesh, girl, I would've been coated." We both laughed at her comment before I laid on my bed. Finn walked over, doing the same seeing this moment as an invitation.
"Caden didn't deserve you, Sloane." I chewed on my cheek as she spoke.
I heard shuffling going on in the bathroom as Finn whispered. "I'm serious, he didn't deserve you. Not in a million years did he ever deserve someone as kind as you." I frowned at her words before reaching over and wrapping her in my arms.
"I will ruin my brother for you, I promise. I don't know how—but I will. I will get major payback for you." Letting out a laugh, I sit up. I heard Ellie's footsteps as she walked down the hallway. Hopefully, that shower made her feel better.
"You don't have to do anything but thank you, I appreciate you." I squeezed her hand in my own before tapping it. "Okay, bedtime," I spoke before yawning. I had just returned home a few hours ago and although the rush of seeing my roommate with blood all over her served as a wake-up call- it was time to sleep again.
"Uh, Sloane?" I heard Ellie call out from down the hall.
"Yeah?" I called back.
"Were you with Blake tonight?" She asked as I sat up, Finn following suit.
"Yeah, why?" I asked.
"Because you guys are all over the news right now! You have to come to see this!" If my heart hadn't already gone through enough ache today, it was now at the bottom of my empty stomach.
Information about eating disorders.
If you need to seek help, please do. You're not alone!
National Eating Disorder's Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
Crisis Textline:
Text CONNECT to 741741
Depression and anxiety are serious issues that should be addressed. We need to end the stigma around them, I love you all. Don't feel ashamed ever to be depressed or have anxiety.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 1-800-273-8255
If you are having thoughts about harming yourself please talk to someone- my messages are always open and my comments are always open as well.
The stigma around mental health must end!
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