pretend it hasn't been a month, please. i would say i'm sorry but i warned you about my break so really you should've expected it js 😌. it isn't over, but it should be soon. you might need to re-read the chapter before you read this one since it's been so long (give me reads xoxo).
thanks for all your love and support, but please in the future refrain from spamming my inbox/message board with questions about when i'll next be uploading because they make me feel like ✨shit✨ plus i ignore and delete when and where i can so i don't have to see it.
~***~
The German Grand Prix weekend was one that I had always loved, although it hadn't been the most kind to me the last time we raced here. The Mercedes car that I drive every race weekend was very well suited to this circuit and seemed to have the perfect balance already in the first practice session. High temperatures were expected all weekend, giving us a good indication of what our pace could be like during the actual race. It always made me feel a little better knowing that I didn't have much work to do, something I'm sure all the other drivers on the grid would agree with me on.
Similarly to my performance in the first practice session, I was able to dominate over the rest of the grid, setting a time three tenths over Max, who happened to be my closest competition. My highs from the sessions were short-lived not only by my general ability to drag my mood down by my own stupid thoughts, but also because this was my last Grand Prix weekend with Stoffel Vandoorne as my teammate. Lewis's recovery had been going well and, even with the occasional setbacks he had faced, he was set and ready to make his racing return in Spa after the summer break. Whilst I'll be glad to have my experienced teammate back, I really am going to miss him; it's much harder to bully Lewis than it is Stof. I'm just going to have to be extra mean this weekend in honour of our time together as teammates.
Stof had some extra work that he needed to do to better prepare himself for qualifying the following day and so stayed back to do some work. Being the nice teammate that I am, I offered to stay and give him some tips here and there, but not enough so that he would beat me - I'm not an idiot. This is still a team sport at the end of the day and I wanted Mercedes to win the Constructor's Championship, which they could only do if both drivers are on form.
"Have you tried just being a better driver?" I queried when we finally finished up for the day. All of the papers of data that had been strewn across the desk were being shuffled back into a pile by Stoffel's engineer, and he failed an attempt to cover up his laughter with a cough. Watching Stof frown at me brought some much needed serotonin. "Look at where it got me - I'm leading the championship!"
"You know," Stof began with a sarcastic smile, "I have no idea what I'm going to do without you bugging me every race weekend."
"I'm sure I'll be able to take some time out of my busy schedule to watch you driver your vacuum cleaner cars every now and again so you'll never be missing me too much."
"You got that right," he replied, rolling his eyes.
Wrapping my arm around his shoulders, I bumped my weight against him as we walked to the exit, finally finished with the day. "Of all the temporary teammates I've had, and I've had two including you, you're definitely up there for my favourite. I mean, as long as you don't fuck up my qualifying like Esteban did, you're set for finishing ahead."
Stof drew in a breath through his teeth, the action making an almost hissing noise. "Don't tempt me like that," he joked, "but if I want any chance of making this seat a permanent thing in the future, I need to be nice to the Mercedes team. I'll be nice to you on-track, pipsqueak - that's it."
"You've got to play nice with the number one driver, Waffle. I have more pull in the team than you think, and I do love to make things difficult for you at every opportunity. Besides, Lewis might not even retire yet and, until he does, I doubt there'll be a Mercedes seat available. Maybe keep your options open further down the field? I heard Günther wants new drivers for the next season."
"At Haas?" I couldn't help but laugh as Stoffel screwed up his face. "Nah, I'd rather just stick where I am. I'm sure another team in Formula E will take me on when Mercedes pulls out. I could always sweet talk Susie."
"Huh, yet another seat I could have influence over." If I had despised Stof instead of being his reluctant friend and he was after a seat, I don't doubt that I could slip Susie some bad things about him that would make her consider other options. Luckily, I'm not that mean. "Either way, you'll have a seat next season for sure. If not, you're welcome to be my cheerleader for my next season."
"Do I get an outfit?"
"Of course. Crop top and skirt that shows the bottom of your ass cheeks?"
Stoffel nodded his head in approval. "Sounds like something I could pull off, but my raw sex-appeal might be distracting for some of the guys on the grid. You know how it is since you've slept with, like, the entire Formula One population." His comment earned him a smack across the back of his head, only for him to just laugh about it and continue to tease me about my previous taste in men all the way back to the hotel (it was within walking distance). I thought I was going to be doing all of the teasing, but he didn't let me get a word in edge-ways in-between his comments about my exes, driving errors, and anything he could point out. At least he made me laugh and I could take a joke.
As it was Stof's last weekend with Mercedes for the foreseeable future, we decided to get dinner away from the hotel after dropping a swift change of outfit. They were limited choices being away from the main cities, but we were able to find somewhere decent with healthy enough food to appease our trainers. Since there were quite a few fans who were staying in the area for the Grid Prix, we had a few come up to us with well-wishes for the weekend ahead and wanting autographs. Mercedes being a German team and all meant that we had a lot of support this weekend, which was always a bonus and motivator.
As I signed the white material of the final fan, she looked up at me and tilted her head to the side. She appeared older than me, but then again I am rubbish at estimating someone's age. "How are you feeling?"
"How am I feeling?" I repeated the question, caught off guard. "Uh, I'm fine, thank you." I knew I should've left it at that, but something inside of me was desperate for some reasoning for the odd question. "Why'd you ask?"
The fan shrugged. "You've been acting a little different the past few weeks. You're barely on social media anymore, and in interviews you just seem... different. I don't know what it is but I hope you feel better soon."
"I-" What? What could I possibly say to that? My stomach was doing uncomfortable turns and I was regretting the rather large mouthful of food I had eaten before the fan had approached us. "I'm all good, thank you. Nothing exciting has really been happening in my life at the moment, and I guess I can appear off when I'm asked the same five questions week in and week out." I forced a smile of reassurance. "I hope you enjoy the rest of the race weekend, and thank you for your support."
"Can I have a picture?" she asked, seemingly satisfied with the answer I gave her. I nodded my head and stood up to stand next to her. Stoffel took her phone in order to snap the picture and I made a conscious effort to make my smile extra bright. If she had noticed my change in attitude, it's almost certain that other people have as well. It's not that I'm ashamed of my internal battles, but I'd like to keep them out of the public eye. People didn't need to know every bad thought I had.
The fan bid farewell shortly after taking another picture with Stoffel, leaving the two of us alone again. I was quick to get Stof's opinion: "Do I really feel different?"
"I-" he hesitated, which was enough of an answer to me.
"Since when?"
"I've only really noticed it this weekend but I guess, now that I think about it, you didn't appear like yourself in Austria, either. I mean, you haven't called me a 'whore' since Silverstone, and you haven't been to the factory since then. You know I'm not the most observant person," he added with a half-hearted laugh. "I'd never pressure you to talk, but I'm here if you ever need it. I know how much you honour my opinions and such."
I scoffed in amusement. "I honour them so I know what to avoid, you whore."
"There she is!" he cheered. "Glad to have you back."
A silence fell over the pair of us. Our section of the restaurant was slowly becoming less busy as people around us finished their meals, making the quiet a lot more noticeable. The radio, which had been playing music as soft as the lighting scheme, switched songs at the moment I became aware of it. 'If I ain't got you' by Alicia Keys brought back a memory. It was the final song of the evening at Pierre and Cate's wedding, and it was also the only song I danced to Max with that evening. Everything was so much clearer then, and I wish I could go back in time and experience it all over again.
"Max got another girl pregnant before we got back together and now I'm deciding whether I want to stay with him through it or call it quits for realsies this time," I blurted out to Stoffel. He looked up, a single spaghetti coated in the red sauce hanging from his lips rather comically. Before replying, he slurped it up.
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. Well, now you know why I've been off. I also almost drowned myself in the lake but that's old news. I'm in a much better place now, and I'll be in an even better place when I figure this Max shit out."
Stoffel's eyes widened. "Alyssa!" he stuttered as he tried to find the words, eventually settling on: "What the actual fuck?"
"It's cool - my meds are starting to work better now so it won't happen again."
"I hope not!" he exclaimed.
After letting out a sigh, I gave Stoffel a quick rundown of events between Max and I, from when we got back together, to everything with Zara this year. He listened intently, hanging on to my every word so that he could form a justified opinion on the situation. I tried to keep my language as neutral as possible as to not sway him in either direction. "So," I adjusted the position in my seat so that I was more upright. "What would you do if you were me?"
"Go to therapy."
"Already am, try again."
"You're not actually considering breaking up with Max, are you?" he questioned, eyebrows furrowing. I bit my lips together and gave him a look. "Oh my gosh, you are. I know you'll probably just ignore whatever advice I give you but I don't think you should end things with him. Yeah, you're young, but so is he. Just consider how things would be if the shoe was on the other foot. Knowing him, he'd stick by your mistakes, and I think that you should stick by his. Whatever struggles you're facing, he will be, too. At the very least try to make it work or it'll be an awkward fifteen years on the grid before one of you retires."
I chewed on my lower lip. "I've been told, like, a million conflicting opinions about this. Before flying out, I was certain I knew what I was going to do, but now? Now I feel like I need to reconsider."
The rest of the dinner passed by and, thankfully, we were able to steer the topic of conversation away from Max. As soon as the door to my hotel room closed behind me and I was alone once more, the smile dropped from my face. My cheeks were sore from the strained effort and I was just generally exhausted from the energy wasted trying to appear happy. How was I able to be so happy all of the time? No wonder I used to be in bed by nine most evening.
The last thing I was expecting when I finally crawled under the covers for the night was a knock at my hotel room door. Murray was quick to respond with a short bark, however settled back down when he saw that I was responding. A quick glance to the clock told me that it was almost half one in the morning. I was only wearing my underwear so had to slip a long shirt over my body so that I was presentable to answer the door. I was far from happy, and muttered angrily under my breath until I saw who it was through the peep-hole. The door swung inwards so I had to take a step back, but I quickly stepped forward to embrace them in a hug.
"They're dropping me," Pierre choked into my shoulder, his grip on my shirt tight. My heart sunk in my chest at his words. I didn't need context; I knew he was talking about Red Bull. His season had been less than ideal so far and he was significantly behind his teammate, however everyone knows that this isn't because of a lack of talent.
I let out a sigh and closed my eyes. His tears wet my neck and, more than likely, the material of my shirt on my left shoulder. "Oh, Pear. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this." Even though it was early hours of the morning, I didn't want to risk anyone coming out of their rooms or coming out of the lift to see us like this. It wouldn't be fair to Pierre and so I guided him into my room and shut the door behind us. Murray sniffed around at his feet, clearly eager to make sure Pierre was okay.
"It felt like it was always just going to be a matter of time, but I never thought it would hurt this much," he confessed, taking a seat on the edge of my bed. His head stayed firmly in his hands and I felt helpless just watching him. My support didn't feel nearly enough. Even Murray wasn't helping - it's bad. "When this gets out, so many people will be disappointed. I'm a failure. I've failed Cate, I've failed my parents, I've failed Anthoine-"
"Hey, hey, hey," I quickly interjected, rubbing a comforting hand on his back, "you haven't failed anyone. Red Bull have failed you. I know for a fact that everyone who knows you is immensely proud of everything you have achieved so far. If they were to put all of the drivers on the grid in an equal car, you'd be up there fighting for wins week in and week out. You, Pierre Gasly, are quite the opposite of a failure. I mean, you bagged Cate and she's like an eleven out of ten." My comment allowed for a break in the sobs for a small exhale, which I can only assume was in amusement. "C'mon, I hate seeing you like this, Pear. Are you completely out of a seat?"
"No, I'm going back to AlphaTauri. After dedicating nothing short of everything to Red Bull, they just toss me aside like I'm trash. I try so fucking hard but nothing ever comes of it."
I pressed a soft kiss to Pierre's shoulder before leaning my head against it. "You're a phenomenal driver, and I'll always be proud to call you my friend. Please don't let this stupid decision from a bunch of brainless dickheads ruin your season. The only thing you can do once you've had your moment to cry is to make Red Bull regret ever dropping you. Show them how wrong they were until they come begging for you to take your seat back."
"How am I going to tell Cate?" Pierre asked, although I think it was mostly to himself.
"You haven't told her?" I questioned in surprise.
Pierre shook his head. "I didn't know how to. She was so excited for me the day I got my seat and I didn't know how to let her down. I even waited until she fell asleep before coming to see you just so she doesn't ask question. She's the heaviest sleeper I know so she won't wake up to see me gone."
"She loves you Pierre," I pointed out, although it was obvious. "She's not going to be disappointed in you, she's going to be disappointed for you because she knows that you are better than what your season so far shows. I'm sure she'll join me in cornering Christian and Helmut to call them every insult under the sun."
Pierre sat up a little and removed his hands from his face. Etched on his lips was a ghost of a smile. His eyes were red and his skin was blotchy but that was to be expected after that much crying. His eyelashes, although coated in tears, looked super long and I know it's not the right place or time but they really looked beautiful.
"I'm glad I've got you on my side, mon petit navet," he said, never breaking his gaze from my own. Oh, I just wanted to hug this sweet man until all his problems went away.
Reaching down, I look his hand in mine and gave it a tight squeeze. "Always. You were there for me through a lot of shit last year, and it's only fair that I make sure you come out of this even stronger than ever. I know if the roles were reversed, you'd do the same for me."
"Who'd have thought you could be sweet? Here I was thinking you were a bitch all the time," he cracked a joke before kissing the top of my head. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his comment, but I let it slide since he's devastated. Anything to cheer him up.
"What time does Cate wake up?" I asked as Murray jumped up to join us on the bed. "I'm sure I can just down an energy drink tomorrow if you wanted to stay up for a while. My telly has Netflix?" I suggested.
"That actually sounds like it would be good for me," he replied. "Can I pick the film?"
I groaned softly. "As long as it's not a shit choice then sure."
"Legally Blonde?"
"Oh, you're definitely my favourite Red Bull driver."
~***~
*not edited*
lys + most drivers on the grid = best friendship
more on lys's choice about max in the next chapter. i don't want to worry you but i have been listening to 'let it go' by james bay on repeat.
as always, please let me know your thoughts on this chapter!
i cannot thank you enough for sticking through this break with me. i've been going through a really rough time and have had so much shit happen to me and people close to me that i needed to dedicate time to focusing on myself and couldn't dedicate much to this book. saying this, i published the first chapter of my 'what if' book the other week because i had a burst of inspiration. i basically cover lys's career if she hadn't hid her identity, and i'm tempted to pick it up as a series when this series is over (just renaming the original characters). please go give it a read and show it some love.
as always, please go and check out my pride and joy, the After Lights Out: The Rundown podcast and blog. the team features a whole load of amazing and talented women. we post articles to our website (linked in the comments) and are working on more social media content for you guys.
a link to my patreon will be attached here 💞
qotc: so, i saw louis tomlinson for the away from home festival and he was literally amazing. were you guys one direction fans? who was your favourite member then/now?
aotc: my first wattpad account had a one direction fan fic and it was so terrible i loved it. back then, i was a niall girl, and then i moved to zayn, and then harry, and now there's just something about louis idk. the only member who i didn't have a phase over was liam lmao sorry.