Sloane Beck
"Okay, she's asleep right now. There are bottles ready to go in the fridge if she wakes up hungry again. I will be back in about three to four hours. Matti will be home in two, you have our numbers if she needs anything. I'm trusting you guys," Naomi pants trying to remember the little spiel she prepared to give to us.
"Bitch, don't trust us. I didn't want to do it in the first place." Naomi snorted at my words as she reached me for a hug. "Love you," I chimed in her ear as she pulled away from me.
She flipped off Blake before winking at me. "I love you both. Play nice kids," She teased before grabbing her car keys off the counter and walking out of the kitchen. "Wait what if she wakes up!" I called out after her but there was no answer.
Blake's chuckle broke me out of my panicked phase as I groaned. I hated watching kids. In the orphanage, babies were just a reminder that they were better than you. In the really run-down poor orphanages, there weren't any baby dolls to play with—so we got babies to take care of.
You would get attached to the babies, they would get adopted and then the whole process would repeat itself. But somehow, the ones in love with the babies never got adopted. It was always the babies. Always.
I didn't have anything against Stella of course, but the entire idea of watching a baby made me queasy. All of my trigger buttons were being pushed and I didn't want Blake to see that this made me weak.
Speaking of Blake—this shit was so embarrassing. We literally went at it like dogs for the last twenty-four hours and now instead of us being able to split up and be apart—we have to be together.
Not saying that I regret anything physical that happened with Blake because I didn't regret it one bit. However, what I did regret was feeling vulnerable in front of him. He always used everything he knew about me as leverage in our fights and I just put the bullet and gun in front of me.
But he was changing.
I could see some sunlight in that darkness of his.
"What do you want for breakfast blondie?" His question broke me out of my thoughts as I gave him a bewildered look. "Huh?" I asked as he reached into the cupboard for pans.
"What do you want for breakfast?" He repeated his question as if I were dumb.
I wasn't dumb but I was seriously puzzled.
Was he about to bed and breakfast me?
Who the fuck was this guy?
"You want to make me breakfast?" I asked him as he gave me an annoyed look. "The offer will be expiring soon if you keep saying dumb shit." He warned as I put my hands up in defense. "I'm sorry, I'm just..." I bit my lip but stopping after my words.
He raised his eyebrows, "You're just not used to eating? Yeah I know, look at you." That made me frown.
It's not like he knew what was going on so I couldn't exactly blame him for that. It wasn't his fault to blame, it was my own mind and the games it would play with me. I would get sad sometimes and although I don't think about it loads, it occurs to me the fact that maybe I look worse.
Maybe I look worse because I'm skinny. Maybe I was prettier with a little fat on me. Maybe I shouldn't have starved myself—maybe I don't deserve what I'm doing to myself.
"You're beautiful, quit thinking about yourself as if you were ugly." The comment broke me from my thoughts.
My mind and thoughts were spiraling, but my heart was warm. For once, a blush rose on my cheeks and I couldn't even make eye contact with the guy with who I had always fought battles with. He thought I was beautiful.
He thought I was beautiful without knowing I was struggling and he thought I was beautiful not just because he was getting in my pants but he thought I was beautiful just because he thought I was.
"Eggs would be great," I called out to him as he smiled at me over his shoulder. "Thanks," I muttered as he nodded. Sitting down at the bar top, I gazed around the kitchen, looking at the dark green cabinets. The walls were gray and the appliances were shiny dark silver and the countertops were shiny black.
"Who taught you how to cook?" I asked him as he cracked an egg. Throwing away the shell, he still faced the stove. "My mom," He stated as I smiled.
His mom, the baker's daughters.
I was a baker's daughter too.
"She said she refused to grow up with a son who didn't know how to do the basic things in life. So I can pretty much do anything including changing the oil in a car and changing a tire," I laughed as he smiled at me.
"I know how to bake too," I smiled back at him as he nodded. "Tell me more about your parents?" He asked as I chewed on my cheek. "Which set?" I asked as he shot a look at me. "I'm sorry," He apologizes as I shake my head showing that I took no offense.
"Either," He said as I smiled, nodding. Reaching for my coffee cup that had lukewarm coffee in it at this point, I took a sip. "My dad and mom, from Russia were in love. Truly and honestly, they couldn't do anything without each other. I would get kisses before I went to bed from both of them, I would get kisses when I woke up from both of them too. It was magical." I played with the rim of my coffee cup.
"I would have fresh cinnamon rolls for breakfast all of the time. I know the recipe by heart, it was my favorite thing to eat." I hadn't had one since.
"This one time my father gave my mother orange juice with pulp and I thought she was going to kill him. She hated pulp orange juice, so from that day then on out I didn't drink it either." I continued to tell my story with a smile on my face as he turned back to the eggs.
"The day they died was pretty hard for me. And I guess I just don't ever give myself enough credit for that because I realize how shit Naomi has it—I don't know." I started to twirl my thumbs and he turned back around at me, nodding.
"Just because her life was shitter doesn't mean your life still wasn't shit," He offered me words of advice as I started to pick at my nail polish.
I wanted to scream at him though. He was the one who always undermined my feelings and my past like I was always perfect! I wasn't perfect! I was the most perfectly unperfect person I had ever met!
"My dads now, they are really great people. If they didn't take me—who knows where I would be right now. I remember always walking on eggshells with them in the beginning scared I would get sent back like it was a temporary thing." I took another sip of my coffee as he put pieces of bread in the toaster.
I don't know if I'll be able to muster down the carbs but I'll try.
"But here I am," He smiles at me as I smile at him.
"And your dad's yeah? Both of them are nice to you?" He asks as I nod. "Yeah, the nicest." I smiled at him. "Gwen, my sister—she's a bitch. She's engaged now, to this jerk named Josh." He paused.
"Josh?" He asks as I nod. "Yeah, Josh Burrows." I almost grimace as I speak his full name. He was an absolute dickhead. However, Blake grips the sides of the counter and lets out a laugh.
"Holy shit—that guy is a loser." He continues to laugh as I pause, raising an eyebrow at his words. Did he know Josh? "You know Josh?" He nodded as he pulled the bread from the toaster.
"Yeah, we're talking about the oil tycoons son? He's a fucking jerk. But he always tried to befriend me when I came to the city. Which honestly shocks me how I didn't meet you before college considering how the wealthy people in the city mix like coke and rum."
I smiled at his words— I was even more attracted to him because we had in common—we both hated Josh.
I knew deep down how we didn't meet though. By the time that Blake had probably started to come to the city was the time that I spent away trying to fix my eating disorder. "We probably have been to the same parties and didn't even know it." He pulled out plates, sitting the toast on them before placing the eggs on top.
"Trust me, if we were at the same party— I would've known, Blondie." He pushed my plate towards me as I thanked him.
He sat down next to me and slowly, I started to eat. I didn't push the food around my plate—I for once, just ate. Blake being like the typical boy he was, had table manners, but he swallowed everything in a matter of seconds.
"Jeez did that taste good?" I asked as he laughed, drinking water. "Yeah, Blondie it did." He smiled at me. Taking a bite of my egg I winked at him. "You tasted better though," My eyes widened.
Before I could tell him off though, the baby monitor alerted and a cry filled the kitchen. My eyes which were already wide were wider. Blake nodded towards me, "I got her." He took his water bottle with him as he disappeared from the kitchen.
I continued to chew my food slowly but stopped as I watched the monitor in the corner of the kitchen. I wished I could've said that my heart didn't flutter because it did. "Don't cry," I heard him speak to the baby as he picked her up. "See? I'm here. Don't cry." He was gentle with her.
I pushed my plate to the side of me and just stared at the monitor in amazement. Stella was in his arms as he rocked her, staring down at her.
I was warm, super warm—and tingly. I hadn't felt like this in a while. Someone was making me happy, and I was beginning to feel happy.
Standing up from the table, I grabbed both of our plates, clearing them off before sticking them in the dishwasher, trying to ignore the boy on the monitor that had my heart palpitating.
Rinsing my hands off, I watched as he placed her back in the crib after a couple of minutes. He stared down at her as she was asleep again. I watched as he scratched his head before rubbing his hands over his face.
His arms held him up as he looked over the crib and that's when I heard him sniffle.
But just as quickly as his feelings came, the emotions disappeared. It was like nothing had happened, and he walked out. Trying to compose myself from what I just saw, I wiped the counter from where we sat as I tried to pull my mind away from what I just saw.
Walking into the living room I observed the space. The dark couches, the dark curtains, the various vases, art pieces, everything screamed Blake.
Walking over to the couch, laying down, and pulling the blanket over me—I jumped on my phone. I answered the girl's group chat, I scrolled through my favorite Instagrams, but nothing could've shocked me more than when the giant, whom I had just learned was gently laid on top of me.
His head rested on my stomach as he clung to me, hugging my body. Without a word, he just laid on me. Setting my phone down on my chest, I laced my fingers through his hair, playing and trying to relieve the pressure that was in his head.
Because knowing him—we were more alike than I had thought.
Always locking people out, not letting people know what was going on, he had so much going on in his head.
He let out a moan of satisfaction as I pulled on the roots of his hair and scratched the top of his back with the other hand.
What was going on in your mind Blake Day?
I knew what was going on in mine.
I was fucking catching feelings for the one guy that I shouldn't have been catching feelings for.
I could change him, I could see I was already changing him—he did have a heart and he did care for me. Not in all of the ways that I wanted him to but we were getting there. He would never know that though, him knowing he had some piece of my heart would be the worst advantage for him to have.
Because the one person who liked to make me feel weak could make me weak even without his words now. He could just look at me and I would feel weak.
My head was spinning when it came to him, his emotions gave me whiplash because I could decipher whether he deserved my time or not. Before I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash. It's different now.
Because I would drop everything for the boy who acted like he would drop nothing for me.
I don't think that I'd ever find out that if he felt the same way either because we both have too much pride to let each other know that we didn't hate each other anymore. Sure, we called each other friends—but we both know we only called each other that because we had sex.
I was so fucked and I hated feeling like this. I hated feeling like my emotions would depend on someone, I hated feeling like I was drowning in someone because I felt like I was making the wrong choice.
He wasn't Charlie.
And he definitely wasn't Caden.
He was Blake.
The boy who would always point out everything he hated about me but would work fast to make me know that he hated shit about me so much that he deep down actually loved me for it. Or so I think he did.
Blake, the boy who had done everything in his power to hurt me with whatever he could get out of me. Blake, the boy who I would rather see fail than succeed—fuck how did I even get to this point? Sure the sex was amazing, but I now see Blake Day somewhat for who he is.
Not who he was known to be.
"Ты мне нравишься больше, чем я ожидал." I muttered to the boy that was nuzzled into my lower body. Deep down, I knew he liked me too—but he would never admit that he liked someone like me. No matter how much I hoped, no matter how much I wished, no matter how much I dreamed.
(I like you more than I expected)
"Я знаю, что нравлюсь тебе, но не так, как я хочу, чтобы ты нравился мне." I spoke again.
(I know you like me, but not the way I want you to like me)
He propped his head up at my foreign tongue, giving me a grin. "Are you talking shit on me in Russian?" I cracked a smile at him.
"Talking more bullshit than you could ever imagine," He laughed at my admittance. Nodding at my words he sat up completely, "C'est une bonne chose que j'aime quand tu parles." He winked at me after speaking his French words to me.
(It's a good thing that I like when you talk)
Before I could ask him what that meant, another cry was heard from the room. I sighed as I pushed him off of me. "My turn," I sang my words as I skipped down the living room hallway and up the stairs.
As uncomfortable I was being with her alone, she couldn't be that bad. She liked Blake and I guess that meant that we could agree on something.
Walking into her room I smiled as she wasn't crying anymore but she definitely wasn't as tired. "Hello, Stella, ready to have fun?" I asked her as I picked the tiny baby up. We only had an hour left until Matti came home, and I was jumping for joy.
Wrapping her in her blanket again and cuddling her to my chest, I froze as I felt her move for a moment. A chuckle startled me in the doorway of the room. I looked over to see Blake smiling at me as I tried to be cautious with the tiny baby who was known to cry at any moment.
"Come on Stella, let's go do some online shopping," I whispered to her as Blake laughed. "With Uncle Blake's credit card," I added in as he laughed more before getting out of the doorway, letting me walk past him with her in my arms.
I don't know. Maybe it was the fact I was lonely—or the fact that he took away the pain. Maybe it was because he understood me. But he and I were so wrong for each other that it was right. But suffering in silence with my feelings was a lot better than him knowing how I actually felt because him knowing my feelings and him not acting on it—would lead to more suffering than I had ever gone through.
I liked Blake Day and I hated the fact that I did because I knew that he hated that he liked me.
Information about eating disorders.
If you need to seek help, please do. You're not alone!
National Eating Disorder's Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
Crisis Textline:
Text CONNECT to 741741
Depression and anxiety are serious issues that should be addressed. We need to end the stigma around them, I love you all. Don't feel ashamed ever to be depressed or have anxiety.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 1-800-273-8255
If you are having thoughts about harming yourself please talk to someone— my messages are always open and my comments are always open as well.
The stigma around mental health must end!
Hey, besties!
Happy double update- this is the second part to it! Another chapter coming tomorrow (Tuesday) and another double update Friday. I can't believe we just hit 200,000. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could have a support system like this and it just... amazes me. Thank you so much for believing in me! I love you guys to the moon and back forever.
xoxo
Naomi Black.
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