Collae
It's something about carrying a child and having that connection with them. I loved my mother. She was my rock. When I lost her and my dad it was like a nightmare. I thought to myself there's no way they could be dead. I loved my parents but that mommy daughter relationship is one of a kind. When they passed of course I felt like my entire world was gone but I learned to deal with pain and death knowing everything will be okay. I know my parents are looking over me and I know they're still with me. I can feel their presence in hard times. Especially now.
15 hours ago...
Me and Kaitlyn decided to chill in the house and watch some movies and pull an all nighter. We hadn't hung out in what felt like so long. I was just so stressed and all over the place and she made me feel better.
The talk with Theo's mom made me feel better but it only lasted for so long. I found myself going back into that dark place and dark thoughts. It was so hard to leave there so soon.
My emotions were too much for me and I didn't know how to handle it. All I could think about was my life and where I've ended up.
I could feel myself start to tremble often and my heart beat at a scary pace.
"Kaitlyn something's wrong," I winched and held my stomach at the sharp pains attacking me.
"Collae what's wrong?" She sat up quickly holding my hand.
"I don't know, ah!" I hunched over unable to move.
"Collae oh my god," Kaitlyn's eyes went wide and looked down at my pants. I was bleeding, "Collae we have to go to the hospital right now!"
"Call my nana," She quickly sprinted downstairs and my nana came running into my room with her.
"Oh my god Collae!" My nana came to help me up along with Kaitlyn, "Everything's gonna be alright baby we gonna get you to the hospital." I could sense the panic in her voice.
~~~
"Is she okay?" I wailed as my nana held my hands. I watched as the doctor and nurses were silent my eyes closing and opening repeatedly. Why was it so quiet?
I had been in so much pain.
The nurses all shared a look after the doctor looked to be holding something small.
It couldn't be.
"What's wrong ?" I watched my grandmas, as she let go of my hand. I watched as the nurses directed my grandmother out the room. What was wrong?
"I-Is something wrong ?" I could feel myself getting shaky, "Please somebody is my baby okay?"
I liked to believe that everything worked out in the end. After seeing my tiny lifeless baby in my arms, I don't know if i have faith or hope anymore. Was I meant to be happy? Was a happy ending intended for me. My parents dead at 14, I got pregnant at 16, I get betrayed and violated. I thought I was doing everything right. I tired to stay out of trouble, I prayed...it's moments like these that make me question my beliefs and faith.
I'm just a kid.
A kid who lost so much in little time. I wanted a break from pain. I wanted a break from hurting.
"I'm so sorry Miss Heart, we did everything we could."
But is there such thing as a good life without pain?
Do we need pain to say we have lived?
This wasn't just pain... when my baby girl left me I left with her. A piece of me died with her. I felt hopeless and alone. I gave birth without the support of my baby's father, I dealt with her death alone. No one to hold me but my grandmother. Theo's parents of course were a help to me but they couldn't help me in the way I needed. I needed my other half with me I needed Theo.
I couldn't look at myself, I couldn't eat, I couldn't move, I didn't even talk. Whenever I looked at my body I saw my belly, but no baby. The baby was out but my baby was gone. My fucking baby was gone. How is that fair? How can God take my baby away from me? Was this punishment for getting pregnant and having sex before marriage? Was I too fast?
I should've been a kid. I shouldn't have been fast.
I wished my mom was here. I wished my dad was here.
I stayed in the hospital just lifeless. Looking at my lifeless baby girl in my arms for a long while, I wasn't keeping track of time there was no limit in that moment. What are you suppose to do in a situation like this? They don't prepare you for your baby to die. They don't prepare you for these things at all.
I didn't want a funeral. I didn't want anyone to know.
I didn't know how to tell my boyfriend who's been so excited about this family that he has a dead child. I know that is all he was looking forward too. We were about to start a family. Why didn't things go as planned ? Did we not deserve her? Did we not deserve to be happy? I wondered if he was here if my baby would be here too.
"Please, please help me, fix her fix her please!" I cried out, my grandmother came back in the room also with tears. My grandmother lost a great grandchild and Theo's mom no longer was a grandma. No niece for Theo's siblings. No child for me and Theo. This was a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. No one deserves to lose their baby. No one deserves to lose a child. Losing loved ones seems to be a pattern in my life.
All I could think about was how Theo would react and how we would both get through this. I don't want to see the look on his face and tell him his baby is gone, and he never even got to see her face. He didn't even get to hold her. We didn't even name her.
~~~
Present day
He was starting to wake up, I didn't expect him to faint but I also didn't know how he'd react at all. I didn't know what this would do to him. I barely could tell what it was doing to me. I could barely talk. The doctor said I'm undergoing shock and am at great risk of PTSD but what was new?
Was it bad that this just felt like something else added to the list of me not being able to be happy?
It started to feel like I didn't deserve anything at all, I gave up. Nothing was left for me. Nothing will make my life better. Nothing will change this darkness that follows me.
Nothing could make this darkness clear. I felt like I was being dragged down deeper and deeper and deeper.
Once I took a step forward something came and brought me a million steps back.
What did I do to deserve this? Was I just horribly unlucky? Why did my life have to go from zero to a million in such short time?
The only thing that's kept me going was Theo. I'm grateful for him.
My love for him has stopped me from fully being over everything. But this. This was the last thing I expected to happen. I could only blame myself for keeping everything in and I killed my baby for doing so.
"You're okay baby," Theo's mom caressed his head while he began to wake in the chair. I refused to let him leave this room even if he had to wake up uncomfortable. I needed him here.
Theo's mom took a small time in comforting me with tears in her eyes. Theo was out for maybe five minutes.
I couldn't even respond back to her. I didn't know what to say.
"Mom is this real?"
"Theo I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry this has happened to you guys, I'm here for both of you," She shook her head and my nana rested her elbows at my side. I knew she blamed Theo. I begged her not to say anything and respect me. I knew it was killing her not to say something to him.
"Can I please have the room alone with Collae?" He spoke. My nana and Theo's mom looked at me and I nodded.
Theo walked over to me and sat taking his hands in mine.
"Baby, I'm so sorry," He bowed his head into the hospital bed side, "None of this should've ever happened, this is my fault."
"It's not your fault. Don't say that Theo, this can happen to anyone," I didn't want to cry anymore, but we have shared tears.
"Collae you deserve happiness, I think that with me in your life, you can't have that," He brought his head up to look at me. He couldn't be doing this right now. He couldn't be trying to walk out of my life at the worst time possible.
"Theo what are you trying to say right now? That you're leaving me? Again?" I questioned.
"No Collae, I meant it when I said I want to be with you, it's just that I feel since I came into your life things haven't been good for you," He sighed, "I don't think I'm good for you."
"Theo I think that you're perfect for me, I don't really know how to feel right now other than sadness but I need you with me so I won't feel empty, you're the only person that can understand me right now," I sniffled, "This is too much for me on my own. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I can't, I won't make it."
"Collae I'll stay with you everyday every minute if I have to. You'll never be alone with me, I know that I'll never feel what you're feeling right now but I offer my endless help," He looked so helpless and unsure of what to say. I didn't want to talk anymore I just wanted to lie here.
"Can you lay with me?" He quickly nodded before snuggling up next to me and holding me in his arms. I didn't care about what he had on. I just wanted to be held by him, in his warmth through all my coldness..
"We're going to get through this, you're the strongest person I know in the world baby, and I'll be here, you don't have to have the world on your shoulders."
~~~
Man I'm crying fr