-Luke-
When Troy left, and the door closed behind him, the room around me seemed to go darker. My parents stopped talking, and I could hear a pair of footsteps sneaking closer to me. Then I saw my mom's reflection appearing in the window in front of me.
"So that was Troy?" she asked calmly, but I knew she was just trying to hide her excitement. "He seems like a nice lad."
"That's Troy all right," I muttered and turned my back on her.
"Is he gay too?" Mom popped the question I dreaded the most.
"I... It's... It's complicated," I spoke and headed to the stairs, but my mom just didn't take the hint, and followed me.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean...!" I turned around in anger but managed to snap my mouth shut so I wouldn't start yelling at her. I took a deep breath, calming down, before I continued. "He doesn't know, all right? It's complicated."
"Oh, okay dear," mom said quietly. "The dinner is ready if you're hungry."
She turned her back on me and started walking down. She hated it when I raised my voice. I didn't want to snap at her like that. I couldn't stand myself when I lost my control like that.
"Mom..."
"Go wash your hands," she said without listening, and I stopped following her.
It was another flaw in me, to get angry without any good reason. My shrink kept insisting that most of my problems existed because I couldn't sleep. I wished he was right, but I couldn't help but wonder that maybe I was being punished. Maybe I was something so evil that God himself was torturing me. He certainly never wanted me to be born. He had done His best to prevent that, but He had failed.
I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts.
"Yeah – let's start with that shit again," I muttered to myself sarcastically, and turned around to climb up to the second floor. The second I placed my injured leg on the next step, a jolt of pain flashed through my knee, like reminding me why I shouldn't take that road again.
It all ended so fucking well last time.
*****
After dinner, I did my homework and cleaned my room, trying to ignore the headache I had while putting the video games back on the shelf. Bella was, as usual, trying her best to get my attention, and when licking my hands and whining miserably didn't work, she took her ball and started throwing it around, hitting me a couple of times with it.
"Fine, fine..." I chuckled when she rolled on her back, looking crazy with her big ears flat on the ground and wagging her tail. "Want to go..." I had a small pause, and she froze still, "...out?"
After I said the last word, I had a big, flying fur-ball in my room. She knew what that word meant. She really loved being outside. I laughed lightly at her enthusiastic reaction and opened the door for her. She dashed downstairs, only to run right back up to jump against me, before she returned to the first floor and started barking at the door. Apparently, I was being too slow, since she ran to me once again while I was still walking down the stairs.
"I'm coming, I'm coming..." I spoke and grabbed her leash. "We're going out."
"Have fun!" I heard both my parents shouting from the kitchen before I stepped out of the door.
My knee was getting really angry at me with each step I took, but it wasn't anything new to me. I was used to being in pain all the time, and Bella had a lot of energy to spill, so I just ignored it all. Besides, I always felt better after our walks. She always knew how to cheer me up.
"What you got there?" I asked when she picked up a small branch and started throwing it around, yanking on the leash now and then.
I let her play as long as she wanted, and let my memories go back to that day when she came into my life only a few months ago. She was a birthday gift from my parents. I was in my room, minding my own business, when they came in with big smiles on their faces.
"Close your eyes," my mom told me, and I eventually did as she said.
I remember sitting there, feeling annoyed that my peace had been disturbed, waiting for her to walk closer to me. Then she placed that warm and furry thing on my lap, and when I opened my eyes, she was staring at me with a pink bow around her neck.
"Surprise!"
"What is this?" I'd asked and stared at the puppy.
"It's... It's a dog..." my mom had stuttered when she saw my disgusted expression. "We thought... I mean... You don't have any friends... So..."
"So, you got me a dog," I'd ended the sentence for her. "This is just great," I'd added with sarcasm oozing out of my words.
I'd had no need for a dog. I didn't want some drooling poop-machine in my room, even less in my life. The puppy had grunted at me like she knew exactly what I was thinking. I'd scoffed at her, but she wasn't having any of that. She'd barked at me and sank her tiny teeth into my clothes, growling and pulling the hem of my pullover like she was some ferocious beast. I'd scoffed again, but that time I was amused.
"Her kennel-name is Bell Amore," Mom had said with a careful smile on her face. "I think it means Beautiful Love."
"Stop biting my clothes, puppy," I'd told her, but she ignored me. "Bell Amore," I scolded, but she ignored me. "Bell? Bella?"
When I'd called her Bella, she growled louder, but she still didn't stop yanking my clothes – I think she only got even more determined.
"So just because I haven't brought any friends home, I got this little dickhead?" I'd asked and shook my head with a deep sigh. "Thanks Mom, Dad. This is just great."
I didn't mean those words, but I had put my parents through a lot in my life, so I kept the dog. I never hated Bella, I just didn't believe I could take care of her. I still wasn't sure if I was a good dog-owner, but I tried my best. It hadn't been hard for me to fall for her; she had such a bright attitude towards life – she was always happy and excited about everything – and I needed that.
"Come along then," I told her once she had destroyed the stick, and she followed me with a big grin on her face.
We spent almost an hour outside. My headache seemed to lessen, but my leg was screaming for me to stop and sit down. By the time we returned home, I could barely walk. At least Bella seemed calm and relaxed, and I hoped she would sleep the rest of the evening.
I could hear the TV in our living room when we stepped in, but I went straight upstairs and hid in my room. Part of me wanted to get my painkillers, but the rest of me refused to do so, so I just sat down in front of my desk and opened my laptop. I needed to get my mind off the pain, that's all. I continued studying, even though I had no homework left to do. I had a lot of exams coming up, anyway. Watching TV and playing games were pointless, and I couldn't go out for a run or work out with my aching leg.
So I hit the books while Bella curled up by my feet and started snoring. I was having trouble concentrating on my old math book from junior year – I wanted to browse it through to fresh my memories – when half of me was still thinking about the painkillers. It would've been easier if I just gave up and went to eat the whole damn bottle, but I was eating enough pills as it was.
"Pills are for losers," I muttered, but it didn't ease my pain.
I had flaws. Huge flaws. The kind of flaws no one wanted anyone else to know about. I didn't want to be weak as well, so I hid it all from the others. Troy would've laughed at my face if he knew about my flaws. No one in their right mind would want to date me if they knew what kind of a pathetic loser I was.
My headache started to get worse again, and I rubbed my temples, closing my eyes for a moment. Why was the damned text in the school books always so small? How could anyone read that shit?
I tried for a little longer, but the lines were jumping all over the pages, so I ended up slamming it shut with an angry grunt. I felt so frustrated I wanted to burn the damn book, but at the same time, I just didn't have any strength left to even get up from my seat. The lights in my room seemed too bright and the sounds Bella was making in her sleep and the ones my parents made downstairs felt like someone was tearing my brain apart. And above all that, my leg was aching so badly I wished I could just cut it off.
"Why would he want to go out with me?" I whispered, letting myself to wallow in self-pity for a short moment.
Then I forced myself back together and opened the book again. Feeling sorry for myself didn't help, it just made me look like a bigger loser than I already was. There had been only two things in my life that I had ever really wanted, and Troy was the other one. If I wanted him, I couldn't be weak. I couldn't afford to have flaws. I had to work hard to get rid of them, or if I couldn't do that, hide them.
The text in my book just kept jumping when I tried to read it. My tired eyes couldn't follow the lines any longer, but I refused to give up. I refused to accept the fact that it was yet another flaw I had. I didn't care if reading hurt my eyes and made my headache grow worse. I was just fine. My vision was just fine. I didn't need some stupid glasses that made me look like a geek.
I gave an ugly glare to the glasses my parents had forced me to get. They were sitting on top of my drawer, unused and abandoned on the spot. My mom had tried to make me wear them, but she had given up after I had yelled at her I would never, ever use them.
I kept flipping the pages until I came across a chart that I couldn't remember, but when I tried to give it a better look to see what it was about, I couldn't focus on it. I saw the chart, but at the same time I couldn't see it. I closed my left eye, fearing the worst, and the chart became clearer.
"Fuck..." I sighed, no, more like whimpered.
I opened my left eye again and just stared at the chart. The picture and everything else on the page were vibrating, preventing me from focusing my gaze. Then I saw from the corner of my eye that a fine line of bright, neon-white light started forming up. The vibrating grew worse, and I could feel my headache changing. It felt like it was moving on the left side of my head, forming up a shit-storm inside my brain, while the bright line grew longer, crawling through my vision.
"Not now..." I pleaded and stood up, wobbling towards my bathroom to find my medication.
I knew it was already too late – the pills wouldn't help anymore. The migraine had already gotten too far to be stopped, if it could be stopped at all. When I took the useless pill and turned off the lights, the pain in the left side of my head felt like my brain was burning. I sat down on the cold floor to wait for the worst. Bella came to me and lay down next to me, placing her head on my leg. She stayed there without moving an inch, or making a sound, trying to comfort me when the pain really hit me.
I spent that night in the bathroom, throwing up from the horrible pain that could only be compared to someone drilling into my brain without using anesthesia. I couldn't even feel the pain in my knee anymore – it was just a mere twitch compared to the migraine. I kept thinking about Troy as a sad attempt to ignore the migraine, and it kind of worked. He and Bella helped me get through that pain once again. I was at my weakest, but thinking about him gave me strength, and I needed that.
And when the morning came, and the pain started to subside, all I wanted was to see him, so I picked myself up from the floor and started to get ready for school as if nothing had happened. Bella was wagging her tail again, and I scratched her neck.
"Thanks, girl," I said quietly, and she grunted at me like saying 'you're welcome'.
-Sky-
"Why are you so worried about them?" I asked when Max checked his phone for the hundredth time while we walked slowly through the huge front doors of the mall.
"About who?" he asked absentmindedly, and I chuckled lightly and stopped walking.
It took him three and a half steps to notice I wasn't following him. He turned to face me with a questioning look in his eyes.
"Troy and Luke," I spoke, and Max turned a little red from embarrassment. "You know it's not our business, right?"
"I know, I know," he sighed and returned to me, "I just... I don't know what to think of it, you know? Everything is just so... odd."
"Why?" I asked and sat down on a bench to rest my leg. "I know I don't know much about... about dating, but..." I trailed off and shrugged, while trying to gather my thoughts. "I don't see anything odd."
"The whole thing is just weird!" Max said anxiously and sat down next to me. "I mean, you have Luke. Luke! Of all people! And he's g-g..." he lowered his voice when he continued, "...gay. I did not see that coming. I mean the Luke Frost, our Luke. The grumpy Luke... It just doesn't make sense."
"I don't think that personality has anything to do with a person's sexuality," I shrugged. "What I do believe is that an environment can affect said person's values, and who they can consider as a possible partner."
Max stared at me with wide eyes for a moment before he shook his head and laughed a little. "I don't think I understood half of what you just said..." he admitted.
"Luke is grumpy, yes. He gets easily angry, true, but he also has a good heart," I said with a smile, when I remembered how fondly he talked about his dog, and when he apologized for his rudeness. "If personality and sexual orientation have something to do with each other, it's the other way around. Sexuality can have something to do with personality and behavior, especially in this society. If Luke has hidden the fact that he's gay and feared of what could happen if someone found out about it, it could have made him frustrated and agitated. If he's been living like that for a long time..."
"All right, all right, I get it," Max mumbled with a nod. "I'd go crazy if I couldn't be the person I am. I was going crazy when I didn't know what would happen if I told you how I felt about you."
I patted his knee and gave him a smile. "You're the king of the school. I don't think anyone could have turned you down."
"What?" he laughed and gave me an embarrassed smile. "I'm not a... a..."
I giggled at his expression. He seemed really uncomfortable about the king -thing. Then I forgot what I was thinking when he turned his eyes on me. I really, truly loved his eyes, and I wished he would never turn them away from me.
There was a small, cheesy moment in between us, when we just stared at each other. I felt the strongest urge to kiss him, but the loud mall around us kept reminding me we weren't alone.
"So," Max turned away, and it felt like the whole sun had turned its back on me, "what was that bit about the environment? You mean like nature?"
"W-what?" I breathed out and tried to get my mind back together.
"You said something about environment and values and possible partners," Max smirked.
"Oh. No, I don't mean nature," I said. "I mean how someone is raised, who their friends are, what kind of society they live in and so on."
"So... How were you raised then?" Max asked. "I know who your friends are," he stopped to wink his eye playfully, "I know what kind of society you live in. But I don't know how you were raised."
"You have met my parents," I chuckled.
"Yes, but for some reason, when I try to picture them, I only see a rifle," he joked.
I laughed with him, until Max turned a bit more serious, when he asked again, "So, how were you raised?"
I leaned against his side as casually as I could so people around us wouldn't give us nasty looks and thought about my parents for a short moment.
"I was raised to respect nature and life," I began slowly. "I was raised to not jump into conclusions, and use my head. I was raised to see the forest from the trees, and the trees from the forest. I was raised to be open-minded, be kind, and not to judge anyone – unless I decide to study law and become an actual judge," Max chuckled at my joke, while I had a pause. "And... I was raised to follow my heart."
He fell silent and turned to look me in the eyes.
"So," he uttered and leaned closer to me, and we started to get some nasty looks, but he didn't care. "Does that mean that your environment has affected you in a way that you could consider me as your partner?"
I had to look down to hide my goofy smile. "I thought it was obvious."
"Well, I was raised not to assume, but to ask," Max smirked and kissed my cheek.
I probably blushed even harder when he did that.
"Maybe Troy feels the same way," I spoke out loud to distract myself – I had to remind myself that we were still in a public place.
"What? To ask before making any assumptions?" Max asked, looking like he was trying really hard to stay on the topic.
"No," I nudged him on the shoulder. "Maybe Troy was raised the way I was, and that is why he is considering Luke."
"Uhm... Yeah... I don't think so," Max muttered.
"Why not?"
"Troy's dad is... He's not that open-minded," Max said and sighed. "If your theory were accurate, Troy would have grown to hate gays."
"Really?" I asked silently.
"Yeah... I do have a theory of my own," Max said with a darker voice. "And that's what's bothering me."
"What is that?" I asked timidly.
"I'm probably wrong, but Troy has this tendency of trying his best to get his dad pissed," Max said.
"So, you think Troy is going out with Luke so his dad would get pissed?"
"I don't know, but..." Max trailed off and rubbed his temples.
"Max," I took his hand and waited until he was looking at me again. "I don't know Troy that well to say if that's what's going on, but do you really think Troy could be just using Luke to do something like that? Do you believe he could hurt someone like that?"
Max was silent for a short moment before he smiled and shook his head. "No. No – you're right, he could never do that to Luke."
I returned his smile. "Maybe Troy is just afraid of his dad's reaction. Maybe he wanted to say yes in the first place, but didn't because his current environment was so negative about gays, and he was afraid."
"Then why did he say yes now?" he asked, but right after the words had escaped his lips, he burst into an embarrassed smile. "Because his environment has changed," he answered his own question with a chuckle and took my hand in his.
"It's a possibility," I said. "Or then he simply needed a lot of time to think things through. Whatever his reasons are, I don't think that you need to be worried about them. It's for the best if you let them figure things out on their own, and trust that they will make the right decision."
Max seemed somehow relaxed when he suddenly stood up and helped me up on my feet. He had a playful smile on his lips when he started to lead me somewhere.
"What's up with you all of a sudden?" I chuckled.
"I think that you're right," he said. "And I'm sorry for neglecting you. We're supposed to be on a date, but we've only talked about those two."
"Those two?" I repeated.
"Yeah – I forgot their names already," Max joked. "This day is all about you, starting right now."
"We're on a ...date?" I stammered when that thought hit me.
"Yes," he smiled. "I'll show you a little bit of my world. I hope you don't mind. I know you would much rather be out in the forest..."
He looked a bit timid when he spoke, and I had the feeling that whatever he wanted to show me was important to him.
"I'd love to learn more about your world," I said, thinking about football.
"Great," he breathed out, and I could see a hint of enthusiasm in his eyes. "I think that you might actually like it."
I squinted my eyes, but he refused to tell me more, so I just had to follow him through the busy mall. When we walked out through the doors, I gave Max a questioning look, but he just smiled at me.
"It's this way," he only said, and I followed him.