Chapter 16
Talk
I couldn't understand myself. I have all the right reasons to turn him down, yet, I feel like I've done something terribly wrong.
He was only making fun of me, I told myself. Ginagawa lang nila akong katatawanan. Pilit ko 'yong sinisiksik sa isipan ko. That I shouldn't feel guilty about it cuz it was the right thing to do. Pero tila walang epekto ang lahat ng 'yon. I feel so guilty.
Lying on my bed, I slowly turned to the other side and wipe my tears. Something is definitely wrong with me. Pasado alas onse na, I can't believe I still waited for his break time at work. He didn't call me anymore. He also did not text me earlier kaya hindi ko rin sigurado kung tumuloy pa ba siya sa trabaho pagkatapos ng pag-uusap namin kanina.
I stretched my arm to reach my cellphone at the bedside table. A new batch of tears pooled my eyes nang makitang walang mensaheng mula sa kaniya.
Ano nga ba ang inaasahan ko? I already turned him down so it's natural for him to stop doing the things he would normally do before. That thought made me feel more guilty.
"Binasted mo na ba?"
From my food, I lifted my eyes to Rebecca. Simula nang sabihin niya sa akin ang tungkol kay Aedion, palagi na niya itong tinatanong sa akin. Umangat ang isang kilay niya nang magtagal ang titig ko sa kaniya.
I looked back down to my food and started playing with it. I don't actually have the appetite to eat today, pinilit ko lang ang sarili ko para makasama ko sila. Isa pa, baka makahalata si Rebecca kung tatanggi ako. For some reason, I don't want to tell her about it.
I shook my head to answer her question.
From the corner of my vision, I saw how her brows furrowed while her thin red lips pursed. She looked displeased with my answer.
"Bakit hindi pa? Ano pa bang hinihintay mo?" iritado siyang bumuga ng hangin. "Ano? Hihintayin mo pa talagang maloko ka niya, ha?"
I bit my lower lips and shook my head once more. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang sasabihin.
I flinched when she stamped her hands on the table. Namimilog ang mga mata kong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya. Umirap siya nang magtama ang paningin namin.
"Alam mo... bahala ka na! Kung gusto mong magpaloko sa kaniya, sige! Kung alam ko lang na willing ka naman palang magpaka-tanga sa kaniya, dapat hindi na kita sinabihan!" she spat angrily before turning her back and walked out.
"Rebecca!"
Erza stood up. She glared at me, as if it was my fault, before following Rebecca. Bumagsak ang balikat ko at walang nagawa kundi panoorin silang umalis.
Sa aking gilid, nakita ko ang pag-amba ni Mary na habulin sila. I did not bother to look at her and just started to arrange the plates we've used so I could return it. I'm sure she would side with them anyway. Palagi naman. Kahit na wala naman akong ginagawang mali, sa huli, ako pa rin ang nagmumukhang may kasalanan.
Who would side with me anyway? I'm just a boring loner who's trying hard to fit in to their world.
"Yuri," Mary called.
I turned to her weakly. She looked uneasy as she smiled at me wearily.
"It's okay. Take your time," she looked away. "R-Rebecca is only doing this for your sake. Pero naiintindihan ko kung... hindi mo kaagad magawa. You like Aedion. It must have been hard for you to believe all these."
The guilt in her eyes is very evident when she turned back to me and smiled which is obviously a fake one. She then left me to follow Rebecca and Erza.
Bumuntong hininga ako at tinuloy na lang ang pag-aayos ng pinagkainan namin. Carrying all of it, I stood up and went to the stall where we bought our lunch para isaoli ang mga 'yon.
It didn't took me long enough to realize why I was so guilty. And now that Mary pointed it out to me, mas lalo kong napagtanto na, iyon nga siguro ang dahilan kung bakit nagu-guilty ako sa ginawa. Cuz at the back of my mind, I did not believe what Rebecca told me about Aedion. I couldn't believe it.
Maybe it's because my family has always been in that situation, where a lot of people make up stories about us to make us look bad. Na iyon din ang mas madalas paniwalaan ng marami kaya marami ngayon ang may galit sa amin. They choose to believe those lies as soon as they heard about it. They didn't even try to confirm if it's true or not.
Is it pride or my bruised ego that led me to be like them in some way? I'm not sure. Maybe, both.
Tinatak ko na sa sarili ko na nagkukunwari lang ako, na sinasabi ko lang na gusto ko siya dahil gusto kong magkaroon ng mga kaibigan. Mas lalo ko 'yong siniksik sa isip ko tuwing harap-harapan niyang pinagmamayabang sa akin iyon. O baka nasaktan lang talaga ang ego ko dahil nararamdaman ko na parang ako ang mas nage-effort kaysa sa kaniya samantalang siya ang nanliligaw.
Oh, you really are a Falcutila, Yuri. Why can't you just admit that you choose to let your bitter feelings rule you because you were jealous of Octavia?
I let out a deep sigh. But then, how can I not be? She calls him almost every day! She's also close to his family, surely, she knows a lot of things about him than I do. I mean, sure, they're friends for I don't know how long, but shouldn't I get to know him a lot more since I'm the one who's being courted and his potential girlfriend?
I shut my eyes and shook my head. Here I go again. I should just think on how to confront him about it and to apologize as well.
Bumagsak ang balikat ko. Nag-iisip pa lang ng paraan para makausap si Aedion ay parang bumabaliktad na ang sikmura ko sa nerbiyos. I should've done this first! Damn it!
It wasn't easy. Not just because I was too nervous to talk to him after what I've done. Mas lalo akong napanghinaan ng loob tuwing magkikita kami at hindi niya ako pinapansin.
Mag-isa ulit ako tuwing lunch break simula nang araw na 'yon. Gaya ng dati, nagalit na naman sa akin si Rebecca. Of course, Erza and Mary sided to her like always. Somehow, I don't feel sad about it. Mas mabuti na rin ito, kaysa araw-araw niya akong tanungin tungkol kay Aedion at tuwing sasagutin ko siya ng hindi ay magagalit na naman siya sa 'kin. At least now, I won't feel bad for lying to her.
I was in the middle of finishing my lunch when I heard a familiar voice not too far from where I was, making me froze.
"Uy, si Falcutila, oh!"
Unti-unti akong lumingon. Lance grinned at me. My heart jumped inside my ribcage when I saw who he was with. Looking all snobbish and serious, Aedion's eyes bore into me.
Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. I probably look constipated right now, for I feel so nervous. I could even feel my hands trembling. Nangapa ako nang maaaring sabihin, ngunit 'di ako makapagsalita sa kaba.
"Hi, Yuri!" bati ni Lance.
My lips were trembling as I tried to smile at him.
"H-Hi..." my voice was almost inaudible.
Before I could look back to Aedion, he already walked pass by me like nothing. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa kaniyang ginawa.
Nguli akong natigilan dahil sa magkahalong kahihiyan at sakit. Kasabay no'n ay ang mumunting bulungan ng iilang nakasaksi sa nangyari.
Lance turned to where Aedion went in disbelief. He then looked at me. The smile on his lips became a forced one.
"Ah... pasensiya na, Yuri, nagmamadali na kasi kami para sa susunod na klase. S-Sige," halos mautal siya sa bilis ng pagkakasabi niya sa bawat salita bago sinundan si Aedion.
It happened again and again. I was slowly losing hope on getting a chance to talk to him again. Minsan naiiyak na lang ako sa sobrang frustration.
One night, I almost got my hopes up when my cellphone starts on ringing. Nagmamadali akong bumangon at agad inabot ang cellphone.
"Hello?" I said as soon as I answered the call.
My heart pounded hard when he didn't speak. I almost thought he dropped the call after a few seconds of silence. Before I could check the screen of my cellphone, someone spoke from the other end.
"Bakit gising ka pa?"
Kumunot ang noo ko. I expected it to be Aedion that I even had to process it before realizing who it was. Sumimangot ako.
"Kuya?"
He chuckled which made me sure it was him. Pumikit ako ng mariin. Why does he have to call me at this time? Akala ko tuloy si... I sighed heavily.
"Why do you sound disappointed? Expecting someone else?"
Nagtiim bagang ako. "Hindi, Kuya. Bakit ka tumawag?"
He hissed. "Tinatawagan ka ng manliligaw mo nang ganitong oras 'no?"
Napakamot ako sa ulo sa iritasyon. "Bakit ka ba tumawag?"
Kuya Azekiel laughed. It reminded me why we weren't that close, for he always annoys me. Sometimes he's just too distant.
"I'll come home in November," he said.
Nahimasmasan ako sa kaniyang sinabi. I nodded slowly and pouted a bit.
"Pakisabi nalang kanila Mama,"
"Okay..."
"Sabihin mo na rin sa manliligaw mo, at ipapakilala mo sa 'kin 'yan pag-uwi ko," banta niya.
"Kuya!"
"Bakit? Natatakot kang makilala ko? Barumbado siguro 'yan manliligaw mo?"
"Hindi ah," giit ko sa maliit na boses.
"Ipakilala mo sa 'kin pag-uwi ko, Yuri." he said with finality.
I did not have any choice but to agree to what he wants. Hindi rin nagtagal ang pag-uusap namin ni Kuya dahil mukhang marami pa siyang inaasikaso doon. I guess he's really planning on building his own empire rather than inheriting one from Lolo.
Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na hininga habang tinatahak ang daan patungo sa college library. I feel so unmotivated these past few days. Hindi pa nakakatulong ang tila mabagal na pagdaan ng mga araw. I couldn't concentrate during class, siguro'y dahil palaging kulang sa tulog. Thinking of those long nights crying over him makes me feel irritated.
I groaned. My Falcutila blood is at it again! Kasalanan ko naman kung bakit ako nahihirapan ngayon.
I pulled the door to the library as I shook my head. Agad akong natigilan sa pagpasok nang ang unang madapuan ng aking mga mata sa loob ay si Aedion.
He was all by himself. A few books were scattered at the table in front of him. He looked serious and engrossed to the book he was reading.
I swallowed hard. Dahan-dahan ay pumasok ako sa loob. It seems like he wasn't aware of my presence yet. Napabuntong hininga ako. Tahimik akong lumapit sa reception desk. I glanced at him before turning back to the librarian smiling in front of me.
"Ano pong kailangan n'yo, Miss Falcutila?" the librarian said cheerfully.
I pursed my lips. Agad dumaloy ang kaba sa aking sistema. I quickly glanced to where Aedion was. Lalo akong kinabahan nang makita siyang huminto sa pagbabasa. Slowly, he lifted his eyes to where I was.
Parang pinipiga ang dibdib ko nang makita ang pag guhit ng iritasyon sa kaniyang mukha nang makita ako. He looked down to the book he was reading and sighed heavily. Uminit ang gilid ng aking mga mata nang makita siyang unti-unting nililigpit ang mga libro sa harap niya.
Huminga ako ng malalim. I blinked twice, fighting the urge to cry. Lumingon ako sa librarian at pilit na ngumiti. I placed the books that I was holding at her desk.
"Isasaoli ko lang po," nilakasan ko ang pagkakasabi no'n para marinig niya. It's alright, I won't be stay for too long.
Agad naman akong inasikaso ng librarian. From my peripheral vision, I saw how Aedion stopped what he was doing and looked back up at me. His gaze lingered on me, like he was checking what I was going to do.
Hindi na ako nagtangkang lingunin pa siya. As soon as I signed the form, I turned my heel and leave.
Pinakalma ko pa muna ang sarili bago bumalik sa classroom. I kept on wiping the tears that I couldn't stop from falling. I know it's my fault. Pero gano'n ba talaga siya kagalit sa ginawa ko para harap-harapan akong iwasan?
I went back to our classroom like a zombie. And just when I thought I could have a little time for myself, pagkaupo ko ay agad akong inusisa ng mga kaklase ko tungkol sa nangyari. Hindi na katakataka na nalaman nila ang tungkol doon. Marami ang naroon sa library kanina, at ang iba'y mga kaklase ko pa. They must've notice that Aedion and I aren't talking to each other anymore.
"Nag confess ka na ba?"
"Ah, tapos ni-reject ka? Kaya ba hindi na kayo nag-uusap?" sunod-sunod nilang tanong.
I wasn't in the mood to answer them, pero ang bastos ko naman kung basta ko lang silang hindi papansinin. They don't know what's happening, kaya ganito ang naiisip nila.
Pilit akong ngumiti at umiling sa kanila. Ngunit kahit na gano'n lang ang sagot, para bang may iba silang narinig at isa-isa silang tumango. Some even patted me on the back like they were comforting me.
Sa likod ng mga nanguusisa, I saw Erza staring at me in a serious way. I forced a smile. She quickly looked away and went back to her seat. Napabuntong hininga ako, nasisiguro na sasabihin niya ito kay Rebecca.
The next day, they joined me again for lunch. Alam ko na agad kung ano ang dahilan, na mas nakumpirma pa nang tanungin ako ni Rebecca.
"Totoo ba? Binasted mo na si Aedion?" nangi-ngiti niyang tanong.
Tahimik lang kaming pinapanood ni Erza at Mary. Erza was staring at me closely with her sharp eyes, while Mary looked uneasy with our topic.
Unti-unting naglaho ang ngiti sa labi ni Rebecca nang umiling ako. She almost rolled her eyes at me. She looked away for a little while. Kunot ang noo, tila may malalim na iniisip. Then she turned back to me, may bahid na ng iritasyon ang kaniyang mukha.
"Talaga? O tinatago mo lang sa akin?"
Natigilan ako. Hindi ko nakuhang itago ang gulat sa aking mukha. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin nang nanliit ang mga mata niya.
"Narinig ko sa ibang estudyante na hindi na daw kayo nag-uusap na dalawa, ha? Iniiwasan mo na daw? Totoo ba?" she asked in an irritated tone.
I gulped and shook my head again.
Her eyes narrowed more. Nagtiim bagang siya, tila naiinis na sa sagot ko.
"H-He's just busy with their t-training..." hindi ko na alam kung ano ang puwedeng sabihin.
Umangat ang isang kilay niya. She leaned her back on her seat. I could hear the loud beating of my heart as she stared at me with her arms crossed.
Hindi na niya dinugtungan pa ang usapan namin tungkol doon, though the way she looks at me, tells me, hindi siya naniniwala sa rason ko.
At gaya ng inaasahan ko, after our last period, I saw Rebecca standing near our classroom with Mary. They waved at me when I stepped out our room. Naiilang man, dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kanila.
"Yuri! Samahan mo naman 'tong si Mary," Rebecca said and pulled Mary in front of me. "She's going to watch the basketball team practice. Nahihiya siyang pumunta mag-isa, nag-away kasi sila ni Mark, 'di ba?"
Mary nodded.
"But..." before I could say anything, Rebecca spoke again.
"Sige na, ngayon lang naman. Para makapag-usap na din si Mary at Mark. Ayaw mo ba silang magkaayos?" she pouted a bit.
My eyes drifted to Mary. She flushed and looked down to her feet. Rebecca pulled Erza and linked her arms to hers.
"May lakad pa kasi kami ni Erza. Alam mo na... modeling,"
I knew she was doing this on purpose. Dahil kapag umayaw ako, mas lalo niya akong maiipit at mapapaamin. I don't really know why she's so eager to know if I've turned Aedion down or not yet, and how my gut is telling me that I shouldn't tell her.
Unti-unti akong tumango. "Sige,"
Umuwang ang labi ni Rebecca. Kumunot ang noo niya at tinitigan ako ng mabuti, para bang may mali sa sagot ko.
"Really?" she asked.
I smiled. "Oo,"
Marahan siyang tumango. Sandali pa niya akong tinitigan bago tumikhim at ngumisi.
"Sige, thank you!"
Sinamahan nila kaming dalawa ni Mary patungo sa gymnasium kung saan nagpa-practice ang basketball team. Panay ang lingon sa akin ni Rebecca, para bang may hinihintay na kung ano.
Sa totoo lang, ayoko talagang pumunta. Lalo na tuwing naaalala ko kung papaano ako nilalayuan ni Aedion tuwing nakikita niya ako. But then, it's my fault why he's distancing himself to me, isn't it? Isa pa, kung hahayaan ko nalang kaming ganito, pakiramdam ko, matagal ko itong pagsisisihan. I can even imagine myself crying over this, thinking how I had the chance to talk to him about it but I let it slip. Not that I'm not crying over it already.
I took a deep breath when we reached the entrance of the gymnasium. Just by hearing the squeaking sound inside makes me nervous.
Nang pumasok kami ni Mary, agad kaming napansin ng ibang players na nakaupo sa bench. I felt like its been months since I last watched them practice. Uminit ang pisngi ko sa kahihiyan nang lumipat sila ng puwesto para makaupo kami sa bench.
I felt more nervous when Mark quickly went to Mary. Mary excused herself as they went somewhere to talk privately, leaving me sitting at the bench, alone.
I couldn't relax as I sat there all alone. Sinuyod ko ang lugar at agad nahanap si Aedion. Isa siya sa mga kasalukuyang naglalaro sa court. My eyes followed him as he played passionately.
Hindi ko maiwasang mangiti. Maski sa paglalaro ng basketball ay kitang-kita ang kayabangan niya. Nang itira ang bola mula sa three point line, 'di man lang niya tinignan kung papasok 'yon sa ring, he quickly turned his back to it and run to the other side of the court with his teammates.
Well, the ball did went in though. Yabang...
I did not notice how I was watching him for a few minutes now, not until I heard their coach telling them to take a water break. I swallowed hard. Mabilis na bumalik ang kaba sa aking sistema. My heart started pounding like crazy again.
Nilingon ko ang entrance, mas lalo lang akong kinabahan ng makitang wala na doon sila Mary at Mark. Kanina lang diyan sila nag-uusap, e! Where did those two go?
Halos umusok na ang tainga ko sa sobrang hiya nang simulan asarin ng mga players si Aedion.
"Kaya naman pala pabida si Aedion, andiyan pala si Falcutila,"
"Tss... show off pa!"
Flushed, I slowly turned to Aedion. He looked annoyed as his teammates continued to tease him as he walked pass by them.
I almost had a mini heart attack when his deep black eyes landed on me. Sa nerbiyos, agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin. Ngunit 'di ko mapigilang ibalik iyon sa kaniya lalo na nang maramdaman kong papalapit siya sa akin!
Naghuhumerantado ang puso, halos tumigil na ako sa paghinga nang tuluyan siyang makalapit sa akin. When he reached for the bag next to me, doon ko lang na-realize na katabi ko pala ang gamit niya.
From the corner of my vision, I can see how he started wiping off his sweat using a small towel. Napalunok ako.
"What are you doing here?" tanong niya sa matigas na ingles.
Muntik na akong malaglag sa kinauupuan ko. Namimilog ang mga mata kong lumingon sa kaniya. I didn't expect him to talk to me.
One of his brow shot up, he almost look like he was glaring at me, for his eyes was dripping with bitterness.
Uminit ang sulok ng mga mata ko. Alam kong galit siya sa akin, but seeing it up close hurts. It almost feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest.
"Are you bored again, Yuri?" anger etched in his voice.
Tanging pag-iling lang ang naisagot ko.
Nanunuyo na ang aking lalamunan at tila may kung anong bumabara rito na nagpapahirap sa aking huminga.
Aedion's jaw clenched repeatedly as he looked at me with evident anger in his eyes. Nanlambot ako. The urge to leave is very strong, lalo na nang talikuran niya ako nang tawagin sila ng kanilang coach.
Nanlabo ang aking paningin habang tinititigan ang kaniyang likuran. How can I talk to him if he's so angry at me?
Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin nang nagsimula na siyang maglakad pabalik. Sunod-sunod ang paghinga ko ng malalim upang pakalmahin ang sarili.
I tried to think of something to say to him as he drink his water beside me. Ngunit tila kinain na ako ng kaba, nablanko na ang isipan ko. All I could think is to run away.
Bumagsak ang balikat ko nang matapos na ang break nila. Their coach shouted, telling them to go back and continue the practice game.
Aedion crouched as he placed his towel near his bag. His eyes then drifted to me in a taunting way. Nagkatinginan kami. Tears pooled my eyes. I saw how his jaw moved as he straightened his back.
I cleared my throat and tried to speak, ngunit naunahan niya ako. He sighed before speaking.
"Lloyd," he called one of his teammate.
Aedion glanced at his teammate before looking back down at me. His eyes were unreadable.
"Ikaw ang maglaro. Mag-uusap kami ni Yuri." he commanded.