During Vanessa gr 11 year she went to the states with Ryan, Jen and her boyfriend. They all raced and loved it. They where all good friends. Vanessa still had a massive crush on Ryan. Her friends told her bet way to get over a crush tell him if he doesn't feel same time to let it go. They all had head down to florida again. They was a race one weekend and one on Easter weekend. So they be stay there for over a week. This was anual trip they all looked forward to espeically after the winter sport break of racing. Ryan and Vanessa they didn't drink they didn't even smoke weed or anything just was never their thing. The both had older brothers with drug addictions, they both suffered in different ways at the hands of their brothers. On the drive south to florida this year, they took Ryan's pick up truck. It had a cap on it, on the second day of driving Jen and Vanessa where in the box with the cap on most of the day. Jen smoked all the weed her and boyfriend brought down for the week. They raced the first weekend just outside of West Palm Beach area. On Sunday after the event they drove north to the motel in Orlando they where staying in for the week. Jen knew Vanessa was on verge of admitting to Ryan she liked him. Vanessa always had away of show her emotions in songs or writing. She wrote him a note but kept it in her wallet. Looking back she still thinks it stupid, but she says she at least tried, that it's better to try than not. Although now after everything she just lives life and won't ever try with her crush now. Everyday they drove to a different near by track for extra practise, on the Tuesday night they where just south of Kississmie in a small place called St Cloud. They where at the track till 10pm they drove back up the road which turned into international drive. They stop part way at go karts, and even a cable ride Vanessa, Jen where on the list dying to go on. Now 2 collage age guys came up and started flirting with Vanessa, she was single and like Ryan. She has never though been the type to be rude to anyone, she was just being nice that's all. Ryan go so mad walked up to the guys and told hey what's up like he owned her or something, she knew Ryan knew she liked him people had told him behind her back. She had never said it to him though. He looked at her he was angry that pissed her off, said guy it is late we going back to the motel, Jen and Vanessa weren't happy they missed out on the ride. Ryan was walking back to his truck looking at the ground he would look back at Vanessa she just wasn't having it. The all where about to get int the front seat bench it fit all 4 of them. Vanessa looked Ryan in the face mad and went fuck this and walked jumping in the cap of the truck. Jen went with her but told Ryan you a fucking idiot you know that. Ryan made the mistake on the walk ahead of the girls back to the truck saying Jake I didn't think she was that type of girl at all. Yo guys all say she only likes me but than 2 guys hit on her and she's all into them what the fuck. Vanessa heard him and was pissed.
On the ride back to the motel, with Jen she snapped going he knows I like him, ye the does nothing like he owns me or something. I was only talking to the guys, I'm not a rude person, I didn't like them holy fuck. She was ready to scream at Ryan, for his assumpition of her, that hurt her so much. They go back to the motel, and all got out of the truck Ryan looked at Vanessa and she just grabbed her bike looking straight through him, she went to the room, with Jen and her boyfriend, Ryan got on his bike and road around the parking lot. He was upset and mad at her. They where in the room when all of the sudden Ryan came inside, he looked Jen and Jake right in the face and said don't answer the door. Someone knocked on the door and Jake of course answered. Ryan was playing a video game Jen brought for the down time. Jake went outside and talked to the guy. Vanessa and Jen where shocked Ryan them he was riding his bike and a group of 15 guys saw him one said nice bike, of course it was worth 3000 american. This guy followed Ryan to the room, now Jake wanted more weed so he talked to the guy. Jen was mad Vanessa was mad at Ryan and wondering what the fuck was Jake thinking, she needed to get out Ryan kept starring at her, she looked and went got something to say to me. He knew she was mad, she told Jen and him she needed out of the room the walls where closing in she said she was going for a bike ride it was midnight by than. Jen went with her, they where gone for 30 minutes thats all. They went back the motel room door was shut so they both figured that guy was gone now. They knocked on the door Jake and Ryan where standing at the back of the room in front of the mirror wall and sink, yet the door opened. Vanessa's heart sank, the guy was behind it with a gun and he was clearly on some drugs too. That was the moment Vanessa was ready to die for Ryan if he had too.
The robber went through Jens wallet she didn't have much money on her, Jake said she's my girlfriend. He grab Vanessa's wallet and went through it ready her id address and birthdate. He looked she only had 40 dollars in hers she hid of the rest of her money in her bag in her make up bag. The robber assumed Ryan and her where dating they both told him no. That was stupid she was young and he went oh no boyfriend, your the cute one been watching you here since sunday night. That terrified her, she was the only one with cell phone at the time. The robber told her to stand up and come closer to him. He looked at Ryan saying you are pissed I can see it you want to fight me I know it. Ryan said he just wanted him to leave, he offered him his truck his bike anything. He looked at Vanessa, she was in numb state looking back at Ryan. All that other shit earlier didn't matter to her anymore, she could see how mad he was, and scared. She wasn't sure what he would do, she just knew if it came to it she would take a bullet for Ryan. The robber took the battery from her phone, and the cord from the landline in the room. He was close standing next to Vanessa like he was using her to taunt Ryan to get a reaction from him. Ryan did nothing, The robber told Vanessa to spine around she was in flared jean and a tight fox racing t-shirt. Than he told her to sit back down on the bed closest to him. He was waving the gun around he even put a bullet on the table, he kept looking out the window, than eventually he just left but told them not to leave the room tonight. He said he would leave the battery outside in the morning. He left, she doesn't know how but Jake flipped out all his money, the guys told the girls what had happened when they weren't there, truthfully Vanessa still doesn't remember much she was in a numb state she couldn't come out of, not this time. This one would take days. She remembers the guys talking but not what they said, she remembers that some how Jake and jen fell asleep, she wanted to escape the room, she kept moving around the room. She was shaking the entire night. A few times Ryan found her sitting on the ground next to the door, he go get away from the door. She couldn't move, he knew she was in bad state, he said sorry about at the go karts ok, I reacted badly you did nothing wrong. She looked and said I want to leave this place now, around 3:30am someone probably the robber thought it was funny to come by banging on the door. Vanessa for some reason just ended up in the bathtub all night. She closed the door. Ryan would knock asking if she was ok, she say fine that's all. Jen woke up at 6am she had asked Ryan where Vanessa was he said she shaking saying nothing, she went in the tub hours ago she wont come out. Jen knew Vanessa had alot of abuse in her life and family, she had thought's of just how bad it was but never asked she had seen enough. Jen told Ryan she got a lot to deal with at home, I can't say what it's not my place, just know she doesn't feel safe there or much of anywhere.
They all got out of the motel the next morning, they didn't know what to do at first. They pooled they money they had left, Vanessa had kept most of her hidden. She gave the 700 american she had left towards Ryan's racing the following weekend. They found a small safer apartment motel at the beach in St. Petersburgh. They headed over to gulf of Mexico. Vanessa called her mom who had friends who ran the entire league they all raced in the the states. They where told they would have apartment room at the host hotel in Orlando for the race. So from Wednesday to Friday they stayed on the west coast of Florida. They went swimming in the pool that's when Ryan notice it the first time and he got what Jen had told him. He saw a massive bruise on Vanessa back, when she was wearing her swim suit, as soon as she realized he saw it she grab her t-shirt and put in on covering her suit. She jumped in head first to the pool before he has chance to ask her. On Wednesday night Vanessa after everything was starting to talk more to everyone, but she still needed to get out. They had gone shopping at publex for food to make in the room since it had a small size kitchen. She didn't eat much still Jen looked at her. Vanessa said she was going to the beach it was by now 11pm she just wanted to be close to the water. It helped calm her nerves, she could find a forest to hike in something she has always love escaping into the forest and unknown. Jen came and sat with her on the beach, they talked she said after what happened in Orlando she felt she needed to finally tell Ryan how she felt. She said what if that had turned out way worse, and she never got to tell him.
Vanessa went back to the room after Jen agreed it was something she needed to do to move on if they where just meant to be friends. Vanessa in some way hoped that's all it would be, she had said she wanted out of Canada soon. She wanted to go to New York, and run from all the pain. Really she was running from Ryan too, she didn't want to ever be hurt losing someone ever again. She went into the room sat on a chair across from Ryan he was watching some show. He looked at her asked if she was feeling ok and back to normal yet. She said she needed to tell him something. She told him she liked him more than a friend, he told her he knew but found to brave that she told him herself. She told him she just wanted him to know, and she got it if he didn't feel the same at all that it was ok. He told her she was his best friend but right now he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, Vanessa already knew at one point he had a thing for a racer in her class from Rhode Island. She figured as much she was used to rejection, had it most of her life. She says it's why now she will never say a thing to her crush now, she lives in reality and knows she has no chance, she laughs saying doesn't even know she exists and even if he did no way she's happy in her life, stronger but she gives up on hope with that kind of thing for herself. Things changed shortly after that night she told Ryan she liked him.
One day after school, Vanessa went for her bike ride, she would go for hours, but she was volunteering at the local track in her city. Her bike ride was shorter as a result, after Florida Ryan and her saw each other all the time. He was always watching over her, she go to local trails in a forest where she lived instead of his he built, he would show up. On this Tuesday night he called her cell while she was in class, she said she was heading to the trails, that she would leave at 5 to ride to the track. He said he meet her at the trails for 5pm and drive her instead, she told him it was ok, but he said he was going to be there. It was 5pm and he still wasn't there she needed to be at the track for 6pm. She was flipping out growing up if she was ever late for school or anything she would get punished by her mother. Wooden spoons the belt normal things back than for kids to get, Vanessa doesn't agree with the method, but she is never late for anything, if she running late she calls. She get anxious from being late for anything. 5:15pm she couldn't wait any longer she told this kid Joel she was leaving, if Ryan showed tell him she left and was heading down this road. Ryan did show up at 5:30pm, funny what can happen within 15mins time. Ryan left driving down the road, the thing is the road went under a train track bridge, the side walk had railings and huge bushes, that hid the sidewalk from the road. Ryan drive right past Vanessa on the sidewalk, he went to the track. He was shocked she wasn't there yet, he called her cell she didn't answer, he figured she be there soon.
Sometime later Vanessa still doesn't know how to this day, she was riding her bike down the road, it was spring still so she had on flared jeans, vans and a fox hoodie sweater. All she knew is her head was pounding like the worst headache she ever had in her life. She had rode her bike about 10 mins down the road when a city bus stopped people got out she thought nothing of it, till they came up to her stopping her. That pain on her head was blood covering her hair and sweater, she knows how she crashed on the side walk, she was doing jumps cover cracks and curbs, that her handle bars had got caught on the mental railing. She smacked and cracked open her head, was unconious for maybe 10 mins. It wasn't good, the people told her to lie down, they where calling 911 she flipped out. Yelling she was almost at the track if she was that bad her best friend Ryan and Jen would make her go the emergency. She hated that place and didn't want to go there at all. Needless to say these people didn't listen, she was mad in the ambulance yelling to let her go. The police showed up at the track Ryan apparantly drove off like a maniac to the hospital Jen and Jake came in there car too. Ryan didn't say much she was told he wasn't family or her boyfriend, they said only her mom could talk to her. Thing was her mom was a dinner with her friends, was called and didn't show for hours. Eventually the nurse and doctors let Jen in to see her. Ryan was happy he kept asking where Vanessa's mom was as doctors said she lost a lot of blood that it could have been a lot worse. 10pm Vanessa mom showed up to pick her up after she was okayed to leave 7 stitches in the right side of her head. Vanessa got in the smoke filled car, she put the window down a little Ryan was close enough to hear her mom say you ruined my night out what the fuck. Vanessa just looked at Ryan, she was mad and didn't take it, "well than maybe I should have died you could still be out and wouldn't have to both coming here for me!" Ryan heard the whole thing, Ryan, Jen and Jake they all went to over to Vanessa's for a few hours to hang out. Vanessa had a severe concussion so she had stay awake for a while, Ryan stayed till 3am he made sure everyone had left and her mom had gone to bed. Her brother Craig who once again was back living at home, he left to go out for who know how long or to where. Ryan called her once he got to his house, he wanted to make sure she set her alarm to wake up every few hours if she went to sleep. From that day one Ryan was always seeing Vanessa.
Vanessa was in grade 12 now, this year was a huge change for Vanessa. She switched high schools after grade 11. It was just becoming too much bullying for her. She would break down in class in tears. Her drama teacher still let her try out for Grade 12 musical this one was her favourite seeing it live. She fell in love with the musical called Rent. She got the lead female part. She was so excited went home and told her mom, no surprise there she didn't care. Vanessa knew being the lead was a lot more time after school. She headed the race track told her friends that night who where happy for her. Even mentioned it could be such a step to get into acting school for her. Everyone was happy for her everyone but her best friend now Ryan.
Ryan was quiet the rest of the night, not saying much to her. He went and kept riding his bike, anytime Vanessa tried to talk to him he ride away. She was hurt as this wasn't like him at all. She asked her girlfriend what is wrong with him. He joking and talking to everyone, ignoring me, what did I even do? Jennifer mentioned that Ryan had been asking more often about Vanessa, as Jennifer and her talked daily especially during the winter months. Ryan was off talking with Jake they all raced and travelled to America together now. The two of them lived together at an apartment. Jennifer kept saying Ryan has known you liked him for years now and think he starting to have a crush on you. Vanessa felt her heart jump right out of her chest, she had to go nope inside of her head. Theres no way he likes me, she was curvy not petite and just plain looking, she only had one boyfriend in grade school, he dump her for her friends like all gr 7 boys. She had one boyfriend for a couple days max in grade 12 only to find our he was only interested in sex which for Vanessa he had no chance in hell, she made sure he knew that and dump him in epic style.
Vanessa at the end of the night was loading up her bike, helmet and other equipment into her car, she walked right up to Ryan's GMC sierra truck and ask why he was mad at her? He told her he was happy for her with the musical, but said that's a lot of time away again for racing. Mentioning to her that how can you handle everyone staring at you all eyes on you. Singing like what if she messes up. What if people are saying things behind her back, or even the bullies making jokes or laughing in the audience. He goes what if you forget lines words. If your singing is the best. He started putting all these doubts in Vanessa's head and for the first time ever she was feeling nervous about doing the one thing she loved and dreamed of for her future. He asked how she even get to New York film school saying what if your not thin pretty or talented enough. He asked if shed be going with a friend or alone. She mentioned alone, he kept saying what thats not safe, what if something happens to you? Vanessa ask him to stop that he was her best friend, wanting his support as friends, and she even asked him to come watch her musical as her mom wouldn't. He said he come to one of her rehearsals. She was happy about that, Ryan got into his truck and said bye cutie to Vanessa, he had never called her that, she thought no he can't like me.
Vanessa says around a week later she had her first musical rehearsal after school. She got into her car drove to her old high school she was excited but also anxious but not in a good way for the first time ever. She knew Ryan was coming to watch in a few days, so she was putting pressure on herself to get her lines right. The past week every night after school she was going over her lines singing in her room all the songs. She was even losing sleep over it. Her mind was overthinking everything, did Ryan like her back, she wanted to impress him. She kept saying I like him, I want him to actually like me back. She wanted to feel anything inside she wanted to feel loved back. She hadn't felt that in years since losing her dad.
She walked into her old school one she hadn't entered in months when she auditioned her old drama teacher let her do it at different time. She walked into the foyer and everyone saw her in shock she had lost some weight since summer and everyone had made rumours she moved away, she even heard someone say they thought she killed herself over the summer. She walked right past them but the anxiety was there, the whispers made it worse. As she opened the theatre doors everyone in the production looked back and saw her. Some of her old drama classmates ran hugged her told her they missed her jokes and laughter. She felt strange though like she didn't belong her anymore, she was shaking from her nerves. She was doing everything to calm herself and her overthinking. All she kept hearing in her head was Ryan's words, what he thought of her meant more to her than she realized. She started thinking maybe he was right, maybe she wasn't as good as she thought, maybe this is why she was bullied. The director/drama teacher wanted the first thing was for her and cast to practise singing the Seasons of love. She loved that song and knew it well she had practised it every night in her bedroom. She got onto the stage her safe place, where she could let out her feelings no one knowing thats how she really felt inside. This time however she was shaking and the words didn't escape out of her mouth. She stood there frozen felling like everyone was judging her or something. She got off the stage and asked if she could just watch for now. She wanted so badly to be up there but her heart was elsewhere. That love she felt for her dream and to get away from Canada was slowly dying, she her mind and heart with some where else. She started thinking what Ryan doing she was missing him. Half way through rehearsal she got up on stage and sang Seasons of love the entire time thinking of Ryan, that thought gave her hope and strength. When it was all over she went an asked the director for a lesser part that she had a sport she was doing and need to split the time between the musical as well. He looked shocked at her saying no one else can do this as good as you, that she had the raw emotions for the part. He understood but said she was going have to be understudy for the part as well. She was fine with it. She left the school, went home changed quickly knowing Ryan, Jennifer and Jake would be at the track, and they had upcoming race in Connecticut to go to on the weekend. She was smiling as soon as she got out of her car, they where shocked to see her there. She told them she gave up lead in musical so she could ride more and go with them on the weekend to the states. Ryan was thrilled about the news. She remembers him saying thank god someone I can talked to when those 2 are fighting about stupid shit.
They all loaded up in Ryan's truck Friday morning and headed for the States. When they got to the track they had practise as usual. Riding was a adrenaline rush for her, and it was one place she never felt bullied with her racing friends. Even the girls from the USA she raced they where a tight group and all friends. Even today they talk on social media and she misses them, hoping to visit them one day, once pandemic is over. They 4 of them left the track and headed for their hotel. They checked into their rooms normally Vanessa would sleep on the floor so Ryan go second double bed to himself. This time though Vanessa was hurt she had a bad crash, her leg bruising already. They all got cleaned and showered, headed out to a The Olive Garden for dinner. When they got back to the room Jennifer and Jake went out to smoke their weed as normal. Ryan and Vanessa just stayed inside room, they weren't into that stuff. Vanessa was ready to go to sleep on the floor saying her head hurt a little bit. Ryan said than here just sleep on bed with me, he said they could used different blankets. She was nervous but to exhausted to care. A couple hours had past and Ryan woke her making sure she was ok, He said he couldn't sleep. She said sorry she could go on floor, as he said it was her fault her wasn't sleeping. Just as she was about to get up he grabbed her hand and was holding it, telling her to stay. The rest of the night they just laid there looking at each other holding hands. He told her he liked her and was worried about losing her. She assured him he had her and wasn't going to lose her for any reason. It was all really cute.
The next morning Vanessa was sore from her fall, and exhausted from no sleep. Ryan was tired as well Jennifer and Jake notice right away. When they got to the track everyone was shocked least one from their local track who had also made the race. They saw Ryan just grab Vanessa hand and they where walking around the track together. Some friends made jokes about why they where both exhausted and had no sleep of course. Reality was they where both still virgins, who had a lot in common and cared for each other. Looking back at her past Vanessa felt you know the saying love is blind, she now feels with how her future turned out, that her love for Ryan was blind. We will get to that part eventually though, and why she is still one of the strongest most compassionate people i know.
After Saturdays race the 4 of them headed back to the room again and it was same thing, showers dinner hanging out and going to sleep. Again Ryan and Vanessa held hands trying to sleep, that didn't happen. Ryan kissed her a few times after Jennifer and Jake went to sleep finally. Most of the night though they talked about racing Ryan's dream of becoming full pro and moving to California, he wanted Vanessa, Jennifer and Jake all to go there as a group. Find a house to rent jobs and train for racing. Vanessa for the first time stop thinking of film school. She thought maybe it could still work in California and she could be with Ryan too. After Sunday's race they went home, rested Monday Vanessa went to school and rehearsal, when she got home her mom told her she had a letter from New York. She opened the big envelope she knew when she saw it what it meant. Congratulations, she kept reading, she had been accepted to the film school she had always dreamed of going too. However now it hurt her heart, she had a boyfriend and didn't want to leave him.
She told her mom what she had kept secret for years. Her mom said good luck how are you going to pay for this school. She looked at her mom in shock, she knew well her parents had good money enough to pay for her schooling. Even with her dad gone her mom had money. He mom even paid for her brothers college even though he was kicked out in 3 months for never showing up. Her mom paid his rent at his apartment which he left and moved back home. Vanessa snapped and said why do you hate me, don't you want a better future for me. What did i ever do but be born and adopted by you. Her mothers response shocked Vanessa yelling back why do you want to act and ride horses. Why do you need to be so much like your birth mother and her family. If it was for you little girl your father will be here still, I wish he never picked to adopted you. I wish he had picked the cute beautiful blonde baby and not you. Vanessa knew her dad picked her not her mom but this was the first time she found out her dad fought her mom to get her. It was the first time also her mother had mentioned her birth mother, she always knew from family history papers they where involved with horses, but never knew about someone in family was and actor. Vanessa says now years later she found out there was a broadway actor on her moms side, that also her one aunt ran a National school of ballet as well.
Her mom informed her she wouldn't be helping with her school or future. She wanted her daughter to have her life be a receptionist, is what she said. Her mother even said I hope you fall in love and marry your best friend have kids do my life and than lose him so you can know the heartbreak you caused me. Vanessa left her house in tears and drove to Ryan's she told him everything. He had an idea saying he wanted to rent a family members basement apartment, that he was ready to move out soon. He asked her to move in with him that, she could work and they could both save money and go to California. He said you don't need film school, if your there you can go on auditions for acting. He said more than ever it gets you out of that abusive house, that he cared for her and wanted her safe with him. She said she needed to finish out the school year graduate, and than ya she move in with him and forget film school in New York. She wanted to be with him. She had a new plan and wasn't giving up on her dream or her love. She was fighting for their future together.