Summary: After the events of a tiresome day for the Prince, he manages to return from his quest in one piece. As his manservant takes care of his wounds, secrets that have been long hidden are unveiled within the walls of the royal chambers to test the real measure of love.
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The bloodstained cloth fell from Merlin’s shaky hand again and he bent down to pick it up and dip it in the water-filled bowl on Arthur’s bedside. Arthur was sitting on the edge of his bed with his shirt off while Merlin took care of the fresh wound on his right shoulder. Goosebumps covered his masculine arms from how chilly the air was in his chambers, and the longer Merlin took to clean the gash, the colder he grew. He was tired and his whole body ached from having been riding almost all day.
As for the injury he stared down at as he waited for Merlin to resume, he didn’t know how he’d managed to get back here without any other ones. It was the last day of the year which meant that Arthur had to go on one of those traditional quests where his fighting and leadership skills were tested. He had to go on his own without any men, even Merlin. Arthur vividly remembers how Merlin hated these customs and wished that they never existed.
There was not a time when he left without Merlin trying to talk him out of going. He knew that the reason behind every argument was good. No matter how hard Merlin tried to hide it, Arthur could see how worried he seemed every time he brought up this talk.
But this time, it was really getting out of hand.
“Merlin, I’m fine .” Arthur slightly shrugged his shoulders to prove his words, but he ended up only moving his good shoulder.
Merlin didn’t respond, instead his eyes only flickered to meet Arthur’s before he sat on his knees so he could be closer to the cut he was cleaning.
“Merlin.” Arthur called again, this time a bit softer.
“Hold still.” he quietly said, still avoiding his gaze as he focused on his work. His voice was faint, which tugged at Arthur’s heart.
Merlin’s hand twitched, accidentally grazing Arthur’s sensitive skin. He flinched at the sudden sting of pain, but he was quick enough to catch Merlin’s hand that instantly pulled away as soon as that happened. His grip was soft yet firm enough not to let Merlin’s hand slip out of his.
“What’s wrong?” Arthur sincerely asked.
He expected a fiery comeback from him, but he was met with silence. He was still refusing to meet his eyes, doing a good job at turning his head in every direction except Arthur’s.
“Merlin.” Arthur repeated, letting go of his hand only to place the tips of his fingers right under Merlin’s chin to raise his head up.
He let out a low breath at the sight of Merlin’s teary eyes.
“You got lucky today.” Merlin whispered.
“This is my life, Merlin.” Arthur said, hating how shaken up Merlin looked. “As a prince, a warrior..” he sighed, letting his hand fall into his lap. “Even when I become king. I can’t escape who I am, and you should have become used to it by now.”
“No, do not ask me to ever get used to this.” he shook his head. “I can’t.”
He didn’t give Arthur a chance to say something before he continued.
“What if you hadn’t returned back? What if something had happened to you out there and you couldn’t make it? How would I have--”
“Merlin,” Arthur held his hand, interrupting him. “ Nothing happened, you can stop worrying now.”
His shoulders relaxed after Arthur held his hand and when he spoke, his voice came out calmer than before. “I have never been this worried before.”
“Then why are you this worried?” he asked.
“Because,” he stopped mid-way, as if he was having second thoughts about what he was going to say. Arthur gave his hand a light squeeze, urging him to speak. “I have never loved someone this much.”
Arthur’s lips curved in an endearing smile, his heart swelling at the words of his manservant. His servant whom he had known for being a clumsy dollophead who could barely find his backside on his best days. Whom he would joke about and playfully insult whenever he had the chance to, and even bickered with more times than he could count.
“Well, I can assure you that,” he pulled Merlin’s hand up and rested it on his chest, right over his heart. “This heart will never stop beating before it comes back to you.” and with that, a tear rolled down the young man’s cheek.
Arthur had never felt the comfort he felt every time when Merlin was around. He found happiness in their daily banters. He found warmth in Merlin’s wide grin whenever Arthur did something that made him smile. So, he knew that his heart belonged to only one person, and that person was sitting in front of him.
“How can you be so sure?” Merlin asked, hesitantly pulling away his hand. “About your feelings, I mean.”
Arthur didn’t like the lack of warmth he felt in the absence of Merlin’s hand over his chest. Also the idea of him having doubts about Arthur’s feelings towards him didn’t leave him feeling pleasant in any way. He sensed that Merlin had something else to say; something he had been struggling with, long before today.
He cleared his throat, “I don’t know what might be going in your mind right now,” he started. “But I can be myself around you, Merlin. And for me, there’s no higher form of love.”
And it was true. Merlin was the only one who could see Arthur for whom he truly is. He has seen him at all times, in all his states, good or bad. He was the only person whom Arthur trusted and… loved. It felt foreign, admitting it to himself and to Merlin, but it wasn’t a bad type of foreign. It was good. Good enough to make him worry more that Merlin’s reaction didn’t change even after Arthur assured him that he, too, feels the same way.
“But I can’t.” Merlin whispered. His lips trembled with pent up emotions that he struggled to hold in and Arthur’s heart sank.
He had a feeling about where this was going.
Merlin stood up and turned his back to him. He watched as he raised both of his hands to wipe his face with the sleeves of his blue tunic. Arthur could feel the tension around them in the air as he sat in his candle lit chambers.
“I can’t be myself around you, Arthur.” Merlin said with his back still to him.
All the doubts and second thoughts that have crowded his mind for years, were now slowly fading into something clearer; something he has been figuring out on his own while trying to maintain a constant neutral behaviour around Merlin.
“Why?” his voice came out low and hoarse, as if he already didn’t have a guess in his mind to why Merlin couldn’t be himself around him.
He slowly turned back to face him, and it felt like an ice bucket had just been poured all over him. Merlin’s eyes were glowing bright gold. They glared down at him, piercing right through his soul. Suddenly, Arthur forgot about the burning pain in his shoulder as if it were of no existence. He was glued to where he was sitting, unable to move from how unreal the situation was. No matter how many times he tried to visualise it in his mind’s eye, it never matched this. This was something else.
This was Merlin confirming his nearly three years old thoughts.
This was Merlin breaking the last barrier that kept him from being himself around Arthur.
It wasn’t until the gold colour faded away and Merlin’s familiar blue eyes returned along with the thousands of unspoken words they held in them. Arthur was sure his own eyes were showing unexplained feelings, but he stayed silent, waiting for his manservant to speak his mind.
“I was born with magic.” Merlin calmly stated, no longer sounding hesitant or sad. “But I’ve never used it except for you, Arthur.” he ever so softly continued, sending Arthur’s heartbeats into a frenzy.
Out of all the things he could have asked, only one question kept ringing in his mind before he forced the words out.
“Why now?”
“I couldn’t hide it from you anymore. Not after—” Merlin gulped. “Not after what you said.”
But that’s the thing. It wasn’t something that Arthur had said. It was what he felt. The love he had for the young man standing in front of him did not form overnight. It was countless sleepless nights and days of zoning out until every piece fell into its right place in his puzzle of a mind. Merlin has magic. No, he was born with it. Arthur assumed that this was already something greater than being able to practise magic by learning different incantations. This love grew every day with everything he realised that Merlin had done for him since the day he was hired as his manservant.
Figuring it out wasn’t difficult for Arthur. Merlin was terrible at hiding his feelings when it came to him. He saw it in every ‘nothing’ that came after a ‘what’s wrong’. He saw it in the inexplicable triumphs he ‘achieved’. He tried to trip Merlin into spilling the words he had just heard, but it never worked. He stopped trying when he realised that maybe Merlin didn’t want to tell him. Maybe he wasn’t ready yet. Or maybe he didn’t trust him enough? He created thousands of reasons and tried to convince himself that they were true.
But now, everything he has been building up has collapsed right at his feet, leaving his mind and heart unguarded. He didn’t feel threatened or scared, knowing that he was standing with one of the strongest sorcerers, in his chambers.
Arthur’s chambers were the only place he could be unarmed in without worry. The one place Merlin could stay at for as long as he wanted; where Arthur freed himself of all the princely manners and the stone facade he had to put on whenever he was in the presence of his father and the court members. The place where he was just Arthur.
He took the horror in Merlin’s facial expression as an indication that he needed to speak as well. Arthur was well aware of how composed he seemed to Merlin right now, because no one would have thought that he, the Future King of Camelot, would not lash out on his manservant for belonging to a group of people that he was raised to hate.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Merlin nodded a small nod, his eyes still holding a skeptical look to them.
“Do you really think I’m just an arrogant pompous dollophead who can’t see past himself?” The question came out light, neither sarcastic nor showing the hint of hurt in Arthur’s voice with the possibility of Merlin not wanting to share this secret with him earlier.
“What? No. No, Ar--” Merlin stopped talking, realising the real meaning behind Arthur’s question and his lips parted in shock. “You knew?” he breathed.
Arthur only blinked and nodded, answering his question.
“Why, why didn’t you say anything?” his voice came out small, and he had to clear his throat afterwards, trying to cover it.
“I didn’t want to push you.” Arthur tenderly said. “Though I admit, I did try a few times.” he smiled, hoping it would bring Merlin a bit of comfort that it was fine. It was okay.
He didn’t need to hide it anymore. He didn’t need to be afraid around him anymore.
“I wanted to tell you.” Merlin confessed.
Arthur didn’t dare ask why, because the list of reasons would never end. He couldn’t even ignore the spark of fear that settled in the pit of his stomach at the thought of someone hearing them.
“But every time I thought about it, every scenario that went through my head ended in the same way.” he murmured, his shoulders slightly slumping.
“That is?” Arthur asked, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer.
“Losing you.” Merlin whispered. “I can’t lose you, Arthur.” he sincerely said, breaking Arthur’s heart.
Heavy silence filled the air between them. The idea of not having Merlin in his life drove him mental. The possibility of his father finding out about this left his mind in ruins, and he couldn't bear the thought of what it might bring. Merlin had a right to be afraid, but not from losing Arthur. He would never.
Arthur gathered his strength and stood up with a low grunt, ignoring the pain that shot up his arm and reached the throbbing area where his chest met his shoulder.
“What are you doing?” Merlin rushed towards him, but stopped when he found that Arthur had successfully got to his feet.
“You lost me the moment you thought I would leave you for who you are.” he said, taking a step closer to him.
Merlin didn’t move, but another tear fell from his right eye and Arthur was quick to wipe it away before it slid down his cheek. “You’re not mad?” he wondered out loud.
Arthur shook his head, “unwise of you to think that you could get rid of me that easy, Merlin.” The sentence drew a smile on his companion’s lips.
Not after all the times he had saved his life in and the times he had to watch his own kind being hated and ruthlessly killed just for being themselves.
They were standing inches away from each other and Arthur could feel his heart erratically beating in his chest, ready to jump out of his ribcage any second. Merlin stepped closer and took Arthur’s hands in his. His hands slightly stiffened at first but then he relaxed when Merlin’s thumbs softly caressed his knuckles, letting him know he sensed his unintentional discomfort.
Arthur wasn’t used to any of this. The closest he has ever got to touch Merlin was through the occasional arm shakes they shared from time to time. Sometimes Arthur liked to tease him and ruffle his hair or pat his back, but that was all. Having Merlin hold his hands was something he thought he would never get to feel, even if he was the one who initiated the gesture when he wiped the young sorcerer’s tears. It brought a warm feeling to his being. A sense of familiarity that left him feeling like his hands were made to hold his.
“I’m sorry I kept it away from you this long.” Merlin said.
Arthur inhaled to reply but Merlin continued, unawarely stopping him.
“I wanted to be myself around you, too.” He smiled. “And it pained me to let you think I wasn’t hiding anything from you while in fact, I was hiding the one thing you addressed as the highest form of love, Arthur.” he spoke, looking directly into Arthur’s eyes.
His inner self was dancing in victory at Merlin’s words. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to share this part of his life with him, and Arthur was planning to hold onto this for as long as he could.
Moments of silence passed and Arthur found himself speechless. His mind and heart were in an endless debate as he and Merlin stood too close from each other.
Arthur knew that there was only one response to what Merlin said, and it didn’t involve talking.
Would he do it?
He answered his own thoughts by leaning in and closing the distance between them as his lips softly brushed Merlin’s. Merlin froze for a millisecond before he complied, his delicate lips connecting with Arthur’s. Arthur had pulled his hands out of Merlin’s only to grab them and rest them on his chest, careful to avoid his injury, while Arthur’s hands settled on the small of his back. The kiss ended all too soon, leaving both of them breathless. Arthur had a wide smile covering his face which faded as soon as Merlin opened his eyes.
Arthur watched the gold colour die out in Merlin’s eyes just as he was opening them. His smile vanished, too, when he saw the expression on Arthur’s face.
“What?” he asked, panic already starting to show in his eyes. “Arthur?” he asked again, but then his eyes fell on Arthur’s chest and his cheeks grew pink.
Arthur followed his gaze and looked down at himself, letting a gasp leave his throat at the sight. His skin that was once cut open and bleeding was now as good as new. No signs of any previous wounds could be seen, and there was only one explanation for this. His eyes went back to Merlin’s face, which at any second, could explode from how red it was.
“It’s uhm,” Arthur raised his eyebrows, waiting for him to form the words. “It’s my magic. It must have done that.” he pointed at where Arthur was wounded. “When we kissed.”
Arthur smiled, “Does your magic always do things you’re not aware of?”
“No.” Merlin shook his head with a smile that matched Arthur’s. “It does the things I desire the most, and sometimes I can’t control it.”
“So, using your magic to heal me is one of your desires.” he concluded as Merlin drew patterns with his fingers on his chest.
“My true one is never seeing you in pain.” he rested one hand on the side of his face, letting his thumb caress Arthur’s cheek.
“I think I might be dreaming.” he claimed, his lips still holding a faint smile to them.
“It is a beautiful dream, though.” Arthur replied, interlocking his fingers behind Merlin’s back where his hands rested.
Arthur thought Merlin had zoned out while staring at him with something unreadable in his eyes, because he has been silent for a while now.
“Merlin.” he called, catching his attention.
“Yeah, sorry.” he focused back on him.
“Is there something wrong?” Arthur asked, concerned.
Merlin’s fingers fumbled together before he spoke. “There’s something I want to do.”
“What kind of ‘something’?” Arthur narrowed his eyes, some of Merlin’s uncertainty transferring to him.
“It’s-- it’s something nice, I promise.” he assured him. “Just- stand still, and please don’t panic?” Merlin shot him a sheepish smile.
“Mer--” he was about to lecture him into not worrying him like that, but his tongue tied into a knot at what interrupted him.
Merlin’s eyes glowed gold again. His eyes were fixed on Arthur’s head, where he felt something brushing at his hair. He was blown away by the sight as he stared at Merlin. His eyes looked beautiful, shining with strength and warmth at the same time. Just then, Arthur realised for sure, that he would never get used to seeing Merlin using his magic in front of him. He had known for a long time and yet he grasped that it would leave him feeling astonished every time. The gold colour vanished from Merlin’s eyes and a wide grin lit up his features. His eye crinkles were showing from how wide he was smiling at Arthur.
Arthur raised his hand up to his head, wanting to know what Merlin did. His fingers were met with soft rose petals, bringing a smile tinted with confusion to his face. Merlin has enchanted a flower crown over Arthur’s head.
“They’re purple gladioli.” Merlin smiled. “I read about them with Gaius before.”
“Never heard about them.” Arthur's eyes glanced up, trying to take a look, but only ending up seeing the very edge of the petals that rounded his head. “Why them?”
“They reminded me of you.” his shoulders raised in a small shrug.
“Roses reminded you of me .” Arthur said in disbelief, having a hard time processing that something as delicate as rose petals reminded Merlin of him.
“In what way then?” he asked, fondness stirring inside him.
“They stand for nobility, strength and grace.” Merlin answered, resting his hands on Arthur’s chest once again. “Everything that you are.”
Arthur looked down, smiling, at a loss of words. He then proceeded to take off the rose crown and place it onto Merlin’s head instead. The colourful petals made his dark hair shine brighter. “It looks better on you.” He smiled.
“Are you indirectly suggesting that I’d make a better looking prince than you?” Merlin teased.
“Not exactly.” Arthur chuckled. “I’m saying that you would look good in a gold crown, too.” He said, sounding more serious.
He watched as Merlin’s face grew perplexed, not catching onto what Arthur was hinting.
“You can’t be serious.” Merlin shook his head.
“I have never been more sure.” Arthur said, his tone filled with unexplainable reassurance. He had no idea how this occurred to him; the words just came flowing out with no preceding thoughts.
The image of Merlin dressed in a full royal attire with a gold crown complimenting his features couldn’t leave Arthur’s head.
Merlin looked like his eyes were about to pop out of their sockets.
“What about Uther? Camelot? Have you suddenly forgotten that you’re their Once and Future King?” Merlin turned into a lecturing mother addressing her son.
Arthur took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh, already having expected to hear this response from Merlin. He knew what he was doing. “The Once and Future King is asking you to spend the rest of your life with him, yet he hasn’t received an answer.”
“Arthur--”
“It’s not like we are getting married tomorrow, Merlin.” Arthur rolled his eyes. “I just,” He sighed, waiting for the right words to form in his mind. “I need to know if you’re willing to wait with me.” He briefly looked down before continuing.
“Long enough until I’m king.” His eyes peered into Merlin’s. “And then we can freely live this dream beyond the doors of my chambers.”
Merlin, as surprised as Arthur was by himself, stayed silent for a good amount of time, his eyes continuously flickering between Arthur’s.
Arthur cocked an eyebrow at him, the silence growing too uncomfortable for his liking.
“Yes.” Merlin breathed. “A million times yes.” He grinned, flinging his arms around Arthur.
Arthur wrapped his arms back around him, his fingers running through his soft black hair. He didn’t care about anything else in the world. Right now, he wasn’t Prince Arthur, the Future King of Camelot. He was just a young man embracing the one he loved; unarmed, unguarded and free of all his formalities.
“Now I have a valid reason for not keeping any armour in here.” Arthur said, his voice muffled by Merlin’s shoulder as they held onto each other.
“I don’t need armour when I’ve got a sorcerer.” He retreated, eyeing Merlin with a grin.
“One who would protect you with his life.” He smiled back, brushing Arthur’s hair out of his eyes.
Their peaceful moment was interrupted by a loud booming sound that caused Merlin to jump. It came from outside, and Arthur found himself smiling at what the sound indicated.
It was midnight, and the people of Camelot had just started celebrating the first day of a new year. He remembered the countless times he had skipped the boring feast his father held on New Year’s Eve to watch the celebrations that took place in the lower town from his chambers. The sound of music started playing, drawing an even wider smile on his face.
“Come on.” Arthur tugged on Merlin’s hand, walking him towards the window and opening it. Cold wind came blowing at them and he shivered, but he was too content to tear his eyes away from the scene.
Crowds of people of different ages filled the streets. Families, children and even elders danced to the music that was being played around them. Children held their parents’ hands and looked up at them with so much happiness in their eyes. Bakers shared their baked goods with everyone for free, spreading love and joy among those around them, especially the little children who sought the sugar filled treats. Bonfires were made for everyone to gather, laugh, chatter and even dance around them.
Arthur’s eyes landed on a little boy who had a flower in his hand. He watched as he ran excitedly towards a woman whom Arthur assumed was his mother. He hid the rose behind his back and when he reached her, he stretched out his hand for her to take it. The woman covered her mouth in surprise and thanked her son, before she pulled him into a tight hug, laughing at the gesture.
As much as the scene was warm and full of love, it brought tears to the prince’s eyes. His chest tightened at the unfamiliar feeling that slithered its way into his heart. Merlin must have seen what Arthur had been watching because he held his hand and squeezed it, catching his attention.
Even though Arthur recalls nothing of her, having been told that his mother died giving birth to him, he still felt her absence from time to time. Every achievement he made, every year he grew older, every time he passed a new level of training, he wished he could share any of these things with her. How he would have loved for nothing but to be held in her arms after he’s returned from battle, or back at the time when he was younger, and his nightmares would force him out of his sleep.
But none of that will ever happen.
“I miss her.” Arthur whispered.
“I know.” Merlin replied, his thumb wiping away the single tear that managed to fall out of Arthur’s eye.
Merlin extended his arms out, and Arthur didn’t hesitate to let him hold him in that moment. He held onto him as tight as he could, before he took a deep breath and pulled away, letting his arms hang loosely around Merlin’s figure. “Look at me ruining the moment.” he half-heartedly joked.
“We should be celebrating.” he smiled a small smile.
“Don’t say that.” Merlin argued, sadness spiralling in his eyes.
“This is the best celebration I have ever had.” he smiled. “Here with you.”
“I’m glad you’re here, Merlin.”
Arthur stared at the man in his arms, knowing that the pair of eyes that beamed back at him were a window to a new start, a better life, and he couldn’t wait to share it with him.
B
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