For a second day in a row, I skipped both school and work. It was easier skipping school, but I felt terrible knowing someone else had to cover my shift. Still, I needed time to sort things out. My emotions were still all over the place; it exhausted me, and I had to take care of myself before I added more to my plate.
On a bright note, I actually got around to figuring out my next step yesterday, like I'd planned to. It was just...hard because the next step wasn't something I was ready for but something I still needed to do. I needed answers, and to get them, I had to talk to the guys. These past couple of days made it clear that if I didn't speak to them, I would never truly move past it because I would always wonder why.
It was the single most hardest choice I'd made—to grow up. When I was a kid, I thought that people over eighteen were adults, but the older I got, the more I learned that it had nothing to do with age and all to do with how you acted and how you handled difficult situations. I'd always dreaded becoming an adult because mature decisions sucked ass, no matter how beneficial they could be.
When Kevin got back yesterday from picking up my stuff, he'd told me about Callan showing up and then Mateo. It hurt to hear about them, but at the same time...it gave me hope that some of what we had was genuine. I mean, they must've cared at least a little if they were trying to seek me out, right?
Abandoning Kevin and Thomas at the dinner table, I walked to the bedroom for privacy. Sitting down on the bed, I finally turned off the flight mode on the phone. I'd avoided my phone like the plague, but it was time to get my ass in gear and deal because if it was one thing I hadn't done these past days it was dealing with the shit that had happened. Instead, I'd fully succumbed to wallowing in self-pity, so much so that Kevin had sent Thomas over while he'd been at work just so I couldn't wallow too much. The joke was on him; Thomas had brought a shit ton of ice cream, and we watched Ps. I love you, the saddest movie ever made—in my opinion—and cried together. If that wasn't the height of wallowing, I didn't know what was.
My heart stuttered in my chest as notifications ticked in on my phone. I didn't know what I'd expected, but the overwhelming amount of both texts and missed calls wasn't it.
Going for the easiest first, I clicked on the missed calls and scrolled down, seeing all the guys—even Gideon, who despised talking—had called several times. The last call was just a few minutes ago from Mateo.
I almost felt nauseous as I went to the texts next, choosing to read Callan's first since he'd been the one who'd texted me last and scrolled up to read the oldest texts first.
I tried calling back, but you didn't answer. Mateo told me. We'll figure it out, Bella. We will find a way to make it work, I promise. Call me when you can x
His first message gutted me. Had he ever planned on telling me the truth? Or would he have just continued to lie if I hadn't found out? Mateo told me...but you'd already known. Maybe not that I'd be his student, but he'd known there could be a possibility at the very least.
I'm starting to worry. Please give me a call.
And then...
I'm so sorry.
Whenever you are ready, we'll be waiting. We're not giving up on us.
Us...was there even an 'us' any longer? The thought that we weren't broke me further. I didn't know what I wanted, only that I didn't want to feel like this—a mix of too many negative emotions that I couldn't discern one from the other. Scrolling down to his newest text, I saw that it was sent an hour ago.
You were the best thing to happen to us. We knew it the second we saw you. I was just too greedy to let you walk away before we had a chance to see where this could go.
Tears welled in my eyes as I read his messages. I was surprised I even had the capability for more tears after all the crying I had done. My period, which I'd just gotten yesterday, made my emotions go from chaotic enough to complete haywire.
I wasn't ready to read the texts from the others, not after how shitty I felt after Callan's, but it needed to be done. It was basically like pouring alcohol into a wound, it might hurt, but it would keep the wound from festering.
Mateo's was right under Callan's, and I clicked on it. Doing the same with his, I scrolled up, reading from oldest to newest.
We're idiots. Complete, fucking idiots. It pains me to know that we're causing you to hurt, and I can never apologize enough for it. Please give us a chance to explain.
You are idiots. You truly fucking are, I thought.
How many opportunities had they had to come clean? Too many, and yet, they hadn't. If they'd told me in the beginning, maybe...maybe I'd been more inclined to forgive them. Now that feelings were involved, it was much harder to overlook what they'd done.
I drove by the Italian restaurant today, where we went on our date. I was thinking of you. I'm always thinking about you. Forgive me, Gorgeous. A few tears dropped onto my screen, and I wiped it away as I kept reading further.
The moment I saw you in my class, I never cared about you being my student. You're worth the risk. You're worth everything. My heart couldn't take this, and yet, I didn't stop reading.
I'm happy you have Kevin. I know he'll take care of you like we should've done. I'm sorry.
My thumb hesitated over Gideon's messages. I was afraid of what he had to say because when a man used as few words as him, he chose them with the intent to get the message across. What message had Gideon for me?
Steeling myself, I clicked on his name. I started to scroll up, like I had done with the others, only to realize there weren't multiple texts, just one.
There's much I regret when it comes to you.
The first one is that we never told you the whole truth. We were selfish, but what I've come to realize was that we were also scared. We were scared because, for once, we had something we truly needed, a bond with someone who glued us all together, making us whole in a way we never were before you, and we were scared to lose that.
The second thing I regret is how I never let you see the happiness I felt when you were near. Being happy is foreign to me, and again I grew scared because happiness was never meant for me, but somehow, you still made me feel it—experience it. Your light brightened my darkness.
I had to press my hand to my mouth to keep the sobs quiet. It felt like my heart was getting torn apart—their messages were sharp edged and cut me open.
The third thing is that I never shared with you my thoughts about you, and you deserve to know each and every one. I think about how I like the way you talk to me, with a whisper to match my own. I think your smile lights up my heart. I think you're beautiful, inside and out. I think about how much I love sharing my kitchen with you—cooking with you, side by side. And lastly, I think you fit us perfectly, like the last piece of the puzzle we needed to make us complete.
We're incomplete without you, Baby girl. Come back to us.
Their words were like a vice squeezing my heart. I felt the truth in them, which told me a lot about the faith I still had in these men. A piece of me knew that they hadn't meant to hurt me, but the truth of the matter was, they still did.
Trust was a fickle thing, wasn't it? It was a bond that, when kept, was the strongest bond of all. It preceded love; you couldn't have love without the foundation of trust. But when that trust was broken, it would never be as strong again. You could try to rebuild it, and through the years, it might become close to what you had before, but there would always be a crack there that would never truly heal.
But sometimes...that bond was still worth fighting for. I just needed to figure out if that applied to us.
Knowing what I needed to do next, I sent a message to Mateo, telling him to meet up with me at the park. I would send one later to Callan and Gideon too. I figured it might be easier for me to see them one on one than all of them at once—it would've been too much for my fragile heart.
It was about time we had a talk and for me to get answers.
Author's note
First of all, I want to thank you for 10 million reads!! It's been a surreal feeling to watch the book grow. I'm beyond grateful to have such wonderful readers as you guys. You're the absolute best, and I appreciate and love every single one of you <3
The second thing I wanted to share with you guys is that I'm officially finished writing the book! I've been working non-stop so I could be done and surprise you with the last four chapters which will all be posted tomorrow morning, along with the chapter about the sequel.
I also want to apologize for being so inactive on Wattpad. Between work and trying to get the book finished in time to be able to post all four chapters, I haven't had the time. Hope you understand!
I wish you all a fantastic day <3