Without heroine the nightmares are 10 times worse. Every night I was in rehab I had them, and every night I had 3 nurses holding me down while they gave me a sedative. They didn't care that I was terrified. All they cared about was keeping me quiet. And as I lay in my own bed I still feel terrified. Each nightmare feels more real than the last. All I can do is scream and cry.
I wake up to Trip shaking me and telling me it's alright.
Trip- "Hey, Aaron wake up. Wake up, you're ok. Im here, you're fine."
He pulls me into his arms and all I can do is sob. I wrap my arms around him and hold as tight as possible. As I sit there I start to come to and feel safe. He always makes me feel safe.
Trip- "Hey, you ok?"
Me- "Yeah, they've been bad without the heroine."
Trip- "So...you're clean?"
Me- "Yeah...I couldn't let you down...I didn't want to lose you..."
Trip- "Even if you didn't walk out of that rehab center clean i still would have been there. I wanted it to be true but I knew I could never leave you to slowly kill yourself, or even just kill yourself. We've been through a lot and I know that if I were to leave you you'd kill yourself in a second."
Me- "I wanted to when I realized that no one had shown up today to pick me up. I even called you and you didn't answer."
Trip- "I was busy with a meeting, I'm sorry. I rushed over here as fast as I could when James called me. I'm sorry, I didnt think you'd be out so soon. I guess I'm an asshole for assuming."
Me- "If anyone were to wake me up from a nightmare, im glad it was you. You always make me feel safe after one."
Trip- "I guess I better stay with you for awhile to make sure I'm the only one that wakes you."
Me- "I would like that. Wait, what was your meeting about?"
Trip- "Oh nothing important, nothing you should worry about at least."
Me- "You'd tell me if you needed to right?"
Trip- "Of course."
Trip ends up taking my spare room and plans on staying with me for a couple weeks. We go to the kitchen and Trip makes me food because I havent had a decent meal in 90 days. We are in the middle of eating when we hear a knock at the door. I get up to open it and it's Ivan. When he realizes its me he picks me up and kisses me. It lasts forever and I cant decide if I wanted it to happen. I thought I'd be happy to do this but all that runs through my mind is that Trip is watching. What does he think? Then I remember that Trip doesn't love me like that and embrace it, even if I'm not sure about it.
Ivan- "So, does this mean that you're completely sober?"
Me- "Yeah, completely."
Ivan- "Thats great! How is your wound? Did it heal up good in there?"
I lift up my shirt.
Me- "Completely healed. The nurses took good care of me while I was in there."
Ivan- "Great, I cant wait for you to get back to work. You'll look so sexy with that scar bartending."
I see Trip out of the corner of my eye roll his eyes. Why did he do that? I thought he wanted me to find someone? At least that's what he's always told me.
I invite Ivan in and we all sit at the kitchen table talking. As we're talking I see Trip gradually annoyed that Ivan is there. What the fuck is going on? Ivan says that he has to get to the club and I walk him out the door. Before he leaves he kisses me. All I can do is just stand there as I watch him go to his car. Do I want this? This love?
I turn around the Aaron and he has this look on his face like he's upset.
Me- "What's wrong?"
Trip- "So are you and Ivan getting serious?"
Me- "I dont know, we haven't seen or talked to each other in 3 months."
Trip- "Do you want him?"
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Me- "What do you mean? Want him? I mean I like him but like I said..."
As he gets up from the table he says...
Trip- "Do you want him? Do you think you could spend the rest of your life with him?"
He slowly gets closer to me and I cant think straight.
Me- "I dont know...he's nice...he was there for me when I got out of the hospital...I dont know what you want me to say..."
Trip- "I need to tell you something..."
He's now inches away from my face and I feel my heart pounding and my breathing pick up.
Trip- "That meeting I had earlier...it was with a divorce attorney..."
Me- "What? I thought you and Jane were doing great, what happened?"
Trip- "I caught her cheating when I would go to check on you."
Me- "Holy shit, are you ok?"
Trip- "No but you make it better...I've been lost without nagging your ass to do shit."
Me- "You missed me? I thought I was a pain in the ass?"
He smirks.
Trip- "You ARE a pain in the ass, but you're my pain in the ass."
Me- "Why would she want to cheat on you? You're amazing."
Trip- "Truth is I haven't been able to get aroused. I've just been overloaded with stress from work and I've been worried about you..."
Me- "That's still a shitty reason to cheat. If I were her I'd never let you go..."
Shit, did I just say that? Aloud? What the fuck is wrong with me? He's not gay, I repeat he's not gay. I really went and fucked myself.
Trip- "And you have. You went to rehab for me, thats more than she's ever done."
Me- "You're my best friend Trip, you've saved me so many times...I couldn't imagine losing my only friend."
Trip- "Well I'm not you're only friend now. You have James, Tyrone...and Ivan."
Why did he pause before saying Ivan? Does he not like him?
Me- "Do you not like Ivan?"
Trip- "I'm surprised you even like Ivan. Hes the one that sexually assaulted you right?"
Me- "Yeah but he apologized for that."
Trip- "Doesn't mean he still didn't do it. I just want someone that's going to treat you right. I still can't believe you're even willing to be in another relationship with still having the nightmares."
Me- "I can't let that hold me back forever Trip. I have to move on eventually."
Trip- "I know, I just want you to find someone who can take care of you."
Me- "And who do you think can do that? Huh? Do I have to run every guy I'm into by you so you can deem them worthy?"
Trip- "That's not what I'm saying..."
Me- "Really? Because that's what it sounds like. You think you know what's best for me?"
Trip- "Aaron calm down.."
Me- "No, because I'm a grown ass adult and I can make my own decisions!"
Trip- "Aaron please just calm down..."
He tries to grab me to calm down but I brush him off.
Me- "Stop, I'm allowed to be angry over this. I don't need your approval on who to date. I'm perfectly fine..."
Before I can finish my sentence Trip grabs my face and kisses me. I'm in shock...I've been thinking about this moment for the past 3 months. I've been talking myself out of this exact situation because I thought it would never happen. And here it is...happening. I slowly push him away and all I can do is stare at him.
Trip- "I'm sorry, I thought that was a good idea but it wasn't."
He starts to grab his stuff and heads for the door. As he opens the door I slam it shut. There we are, him pressed up against the door and me in front of him. I cant get any words out because I can't think straight. I just stare at him.
Trip- "Aaron?"
Me- "Shush, let me think."
He just standd there staring at me, confused. My mind is going a mile a minute trying to grasp that this could actually happen. How could this happen?
Me- "You're not gay...."
Trip- "I dont know what I am..."
Me- "When...when did this..."
Trip- "While you were in rehab. I realized when I served my wife the divorce papers that I knew why I always worried about you."
Me- "What do I do?"
Trip- "Do you want me?"
What do I say to that? I do but as soon as I say it our friendship is over. It'll never be the same...
Trip- "If you don't that's ok, I won't let whatever this is get in the way of our friendship. Regardless of your answer I still care about you and want you in my life."
Me- "I do...
Trip- "Really? I..."
Me- "But if we do this and it ends badly I don't want this to push us apart."
Trip- "It won't...I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. I've done everything I can so far to make sure you're in my life, why would I stop now?"
Me- "I'm a mess Trip...what if I can't stay clean? What if I get depressed again? What if I get too much to handle? I dont know..."
He puts his arms around my neck and pulls me in.
Trip- "I've done it before, I can do it now."
Me- "I dont want to put you through that stress Trip. I didn't want you to deal with it back then, and especially not now."
Trip- "I want you Aaron, all of you. I've seen your flaws and I've lived with them. I've saved you from death, I'm not planning on stopping now."
We sit on the couch for hours going back and forth. I tell him I'm a mess and he tells me that he loves the mess. It's so hard to give in and let him love me. I don't want him to regret me. I do love him and I can tell he loves me but I can't be the one to break him. When we finally get tired we leave the rest for tomorrow. I go to my room and Trip goes to the spare.
I can't get to sleep, I cant allow myself to sleep. I cant see Lucas, I cant see the blood. I cant be reminded of the one I fucked up by loving. I'm afraid it'll remind me of why I can't be with Trip even though I want to. When the drowsiness gets me I'm put right back in that room, but instead of Lucas.....its Trip. He's holding the knife and tells me to sit next to him. I sit and the exact same words come out of his mouth. He wants us to kill ourselves. I can't do anything to stop it and I watch Trip slit his wrist. I want to sob but thats not how the nightmare works. I follow after and watch as we both fade out.