"Do you know how much I love you?"
Malambing na tanong sa akin ni Rosa habang nakahiga kami sa kama at nakayakap sa isa't isa.
"Yes."
Sagot ko naman sakanya saka bumuntonghininga.
"Antok ka na ba?"
Tanong nya sabay halik sa leeg ko.
"Not now, babe. I'm tired."
Sambit ko saka tumalikod sa kanya.
"Bakit? Raine? Hindi na ba ako sapat?"
Nakaramdam ako ng inis sa sinabi nya.
"Ano na naman bang problema mo Rosa?"
I asked in a very irritated voice.
"You really think I wouldn't know? That you're fucking that Rachel!?"
Bigla akong kinabahan sa sinabi nya. Umupo ako sa kama at hinarap sya.
"It's not what you think."
Sagot ko sakanya habang nananatiling kalmado.
"I hate you. Lorraine. I hate that you're doing this to me."
I just smirked. Na syang kinagalit nya at bumangon mula sa pagkakahiga.
"Naiintindihan ko, that you're still grieving. But for fuck's sake! I do not deserve this! You've become a different person!"
Sigaw nya sa akin.
Lumapit ako sa kanya at niyakap sya. Pero inalis nya ito at nanatili lang kaming nag titigan habang nakatayo sa paanan ng kama. Pumikit sya at huminga ng malalim habang umiiyak parin. Pilit na pinakakalma ang sarili nya.
"I'm leaving you."
Ang mga salitang gumising sa natutulog kong pagkatao. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko then I suddenly felt everything. Everything I did to her. Regrets and pain are choking me right now.
"No, you're not leaving me, Rosa."
Pinigilan ko sya at hinawakan sa kamay.
"Please don't make me beg you again."
Sambit ko habang yakap yakap ko sya sa tagiliran habang patuloy sya pag eempake ng mga gamit nya.
"What!?"
Mas lalo syang nagalit sa sinabi ko. Tumingin sya sa akin at straight na tumayo saka ako hinarap. My eyes can't cry.
"What the hell did you just say!?"
Tinulak nya ako sa balikat at humakbang palapit. Samantalang ako ay nakayuko lang.
"Don't make you beg me again!?"
Tinulak nya ako ulit.
"Alam mo ba kung anong nararamdaman ko ngayon? Lorraine!?"
I slowly looked at her.
"Please don't leave."
She smirked at umiling iling.
"Lorraine, harap harapan kayong nag landian sa harapan ko. Do you even know kung kailan? YOU DON'T! RIGHT!?"
I tried to think about when it happened. Pero hindi ko maisip dahil my mind is in panic. My whole system is in panic.
"You have become the monster you kept telling me about! Kung ayaw mo na Raine madali akong kausap! But this? Cheating on me!? To hell with you!"
I couldn't touch her anymore. Hindi ko na sya pinilit. I left the room at nagsimulang uminom.
"Come on, Lorraine! You have to go home!"
Awat sa akin ni Roger, anak ng kaibigan ni dad na si Mr. Hilario, Roger was a jerk pero he turned out fine and independent. He's running his own bar now without help from his dad.
"No. No, I don't want to."
Sagot ko naman habang gegewang gewang kaming naglalakad papasok ng kotse. I don't even know whose car.
"You know what, you're such a mess. Daig mo pa ako. I'm fucking loyal. I don't cheat."
I just laughed at him.
"Yeah, right."
Sagot ko hanggang sa wala na akong ibang narinig kundi ang boses ni Rosa.
"Come on! Lorraine! Wag mo na akong pahirapan please! My girlfriend is waiting for me so please!"
Sermon nya sa akin. After all these years, I have forgotten about him. I forgot that there is a Roger Hilario that I sort of grew up with. HIlig kasi nila kami ipag dikdikan sa isa't isa. I knew they were planning an arranged marriage between me and Roger, that's why I hated my dad more. Pinilit kong lumabas ng kotse at gewang na naglakad papasok sa loob ng bahay ko.
"I---I'm okay now. Thank you, Roger. You should go home now. Papakuha ko nalang kotse ko bukas."
Then I shut the gate on his face saka nag puke somewhere sa gilid. I slowly walked towards the main door, trying to reach for it kahit na alam kong my knees are too weak to climb the stairs. Before I even reached the main door ay nag puke ako ulit sa gilid, showering these little innocent plants with all my pain, regrets and sorrow because of my stupidity.
"Holy mother of---son of a bitch!"
I jumped out of shock nang makita kong may nakaupo sa living room ko when I opened the lights.
"We need to talk."
She walked up to me.
"W-what? Don't you realize, it's in the middle of the night. Besides wala akong sasabihin sa'yo. Please leave my house."
As I tried to walk past her, she held my hand. Nangungusap ang mga mata nya. Her eye bags are telling me about all the sleepless nights she's gone through. Binawi ko ang kamay ko.
"Look, Victor's wife, I don't really have anything to say to you."
When she was about to speak, a baby's cry filled my house. Napakunot ang noo ko.
"You brought your baby here!? Are you crazy!?"
She walked to her baby at binuhat ito.
"Listen to me, Raine. Ikaw na lang pag asa ko, please take Celine. She looked at her baby na akala mo ay kahit kailan ay hindi na nya ito makikita, saka niyakap ng napaka higpit.
"Please, Raine."
I shook my head.
"No, don't involve me in your drama. Kung iiwan mo si Victor and you don't wanna keep her, dalhin mo sa institution."
"Raine, please. I'm begging you please!"
Nawawala na ang kalasingan ko dahil sa mga nangyayari. Why the hell is she doing this?
"No, so please leave my house."
Akma akong tatalikod ulit nang hatakin nya ang damit ko.
"Lorraine please! I know-- I know it's too much to ask pero wala na akong malalapitan. I know galit ka parin kay Victor sa nagawa nya but he's in jail now! He's helpless at kaming mag ina nya? Heto! Naiwan sa ere and I have been receiving death threats! I don't know what to do anymore! I found myself trying to end my life but Celine, she saved me. She snapped me back to reality so please, please Lorraine I am begging you."
Her tears are nonstop, the baby is asleep. I walked towards the couch at umupo. Inilapag nya ang baby sa carrier nito at umupo sa katabing couch.
"Look, you and Celine can crash here if you don't feel safe in your own house."
She reached for my hand.
"Look, Raine, It's not safe as long as I'm around Celine. Kaya ko nga sya iniiwan sayo dahil I don't think anyone who's around me is safe. Please, Raine."
I palmed my face at huminga ng malalim.
"Look, you just saw me, I came home drunk and you probably heard me puke outside. I even have a bit of puke in myself, do you really think I am the kind of person who can take care of a baby?"
She looked me in the eye then leaned in closer to me.
"You protect those people you love. Yun lang ang alam ko, and I know you are going to protect Celine. I know it."
I smirked at her.
"You guys can crash here, just choose an empty room and make yourself--selves comfortable."
I took off at naglakad papasok sa kwarto, diretso kama at ibinalibag ang katawan ko sa kama. I breathed in the smell of my babe, Rosa. I miss her so much. I really do miss her. After reminiscing, I started to cry, I suddenly felt the burning sensation in my heart. It's pain. The pain of being alone, the pain of sabotaging myself when I knew I had something good. I had a perfect life. I took my phone then started drunk texting Rosa.
"Hi, Rosababe."
"Sorry, I'm drunk"
"And snorting because of crying."
"I suddenly felt all the pain, not the pain of losing Nanay. But the pain of losing you."
"I'm really really sorry."
"I love you so much, babe ko."
"Please tell me you just need space, tell me how far."
"Tell me if you need time, I'll wait without caring how long."
"Let's fix this when you're ready."
"I will always love you."
I kept typing and typing and typing until I calm down. I threw my phone on the bed at saka dumapa at natulog.
"Ma'am!?"
"Ma'am!?"
I was awakened by a baby's cry at ang pag tawag sa akin ng maid.
"What the hell is it!?"
Sa sobrang inis ko ay napabulyaw ako sa hangin at napatingin sa tabi ko.
"Celine!"
"Ate Lourdes! Umiiyak yung bata!"
Nataranta ako at biglang binuksan ang kwarto ko. I immediately ran outside the house, hindi ko alam kung maaabutan ko pa ba siya o hindi na, basta ang iniisip ko lang ngayon ay hindi ko pwedeng alagaan ang bata.
"Ma'am, may sulat po na nakaipit sa damit nya"
Salubong sa akin ni ate Lourdes habang hawak ang bata. Masakit ang ulo ko, magulo ang buhok and I'm definitely not in the mood pero kinuha ko ang nakatuping papel at binuklat ito para basahin.
Raine,
Sorry, but I really need to do this. Si Celine, wala syang kasalanan sa mga nagawa ng daddy nya. She deserves to live. Please bigyan mo sya ng chance. I'm begging you, never let Victor know na buhay si Celine. I'm going to make them think na pati si Celine ay wala na. I will never come back. Please take care of her. Habang alam nilang buhay kaming mag ina, they will keep hunting us. Keep her safe. She loves cuddling and goodnight kisses. It's important to make her believe that she's yours. Galing sya sayo at hindi kanino pa man. Please, Raine. The people whom Victor named sa korte ay gumaganti na. I need you to keep her safe. Please I am begging you as her mom. Please Raine. Make her live a safe life.
Thank you, and I'm sorry for doing this to you. Good bye.
I crumbled the paper at ibinato kung saan. I looked at Lourdes.
"What are you gonna do with that baby?"
Matigas na tanong ko kay ate Lourdes.
"A-ah eh ma'am papalitan ko po ng diaper nya, halatang puno na po eh."
I rolled my eyes at naglakad sa kusina then made myself a cup of coffee.
"Ate Lourdes?"
Tawag ko sa kanya.
"Po ma'am?"
Sagot nya nang makababa sya ng kusina bitbit ang baby.
"Si Basha po nasaan sya ngayon? Kung wala pa syang work dito nalang sya. I need someone to take care of that baby."
Napakunot noo lang si ate Lourdes.
"Eh, ma'am kanino po ba itong baby? Ang cute cute po kasi at napaka bungisngis!"
Tinapunan ko sila ng tingin at binitbit ang kape ko sa terrace.
It's three years already. I kept Caitie. I had to change her name. She's now Caitie Alcavar. I never heard from Rosa again after the night she left. Pero I still see her in magazines. She's in New York now. Ang balita ko lang ay bumalik sya sa Palawan then a year later ay back on catwalk na sya. Ako naman ay ito, running the thriving empire my family built.
"Mummy!"
She quickly ran towards me nang makita nya ako sa main door. She's always like this. She waits for me to get home, tapos ay yayakapin ako sa hita.
"Mum, you would not believe what just happened with ate Basha and ate Lourdes! I played tag with them and then ate Basha bumped her foot somewhere in the garden!"
Masiglang kwento nya samantalang ako ay walang imik at hawak kamay lang kaming naglalakad palapit sa living room. Ibinalibag ko ang katawan ko sa couch habang sya ay umupo sa lap ko at patuloy paring nag kukwento.
"Didn't I tell you to lose that accent? You're not even British"
Sita ko sakanya.
"But I can't"
Malungkot na sagot nya at yumuko. Huminga lang ako ng malalim.
"Okay. I'll take a shower, tell ate Lourdes to prepare dinner, and then we're gonna eat okay?"
She smiled at masiglang tumakbo. Umakyat ako sa kwarto para maligo. Pagod na pagod ako pero naginhawaan ang pakiramdam ko nang matapos akong maligo.
"Mum? Who is she?"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita kong hawak hawak ni Caitie ang picture ni Rosa.
"What are you doing!?"
I quickly took the photo off her hand.
"I--was just getting your things. Your bag fell when I jumped on the--the bed and--"
"--It's nothing! Okay? I don't ever wanna see you touching my stuff are we clear!?"
She just slowly nodded.
"What are the rules again Caitie? I don't think you still remember that"
"R-rule number one, never go into your room without permission, rule number two, no questions, number three, obey your orders"
She's about to cry. I can see that she's terrified of me.
"Okay. Now go and wait for me we're going to eat na pagkatapos kong magbihis."
She took off. Caitie might be only three years old pero napakatalinong bata. Nauna syang magsalita kaysa maglakad. She can count to ten when she was one year old, sing the alphabet when she's one and a half. Damn, she sang Lupang Hinirang nung two years old na sya. She's mentally matured. Sweet like a baby princess pero kung magsalita akala mo ay ka edad mo lang. Kaya naman wiling wili sina Basha at ate Lourdes sakanya.
I know I am tough with her. I don't know how to be a mother.
Pagkatapos namin kumain ay ipinaubaya ko na sya kay Basha para linisan at patulugin.
I took a glass of bourbon pagkatapos ay tumambay sa terrace. Thinking of those old good days I spent with Rosa. A glass went to another, and another and another. I'm finally drunk. Seeking for love I haven't felt for a long while. Slowly, I snuck up to Caitie's bedroom. Humiga sa tabi nya, niyakap sya ng mahigpit.
"Mum?"
She called me with a husky voice. Malamang ilang oras na rin syang tulog.
"Yes? It's me, honey."
"You smell funny."
I smirked sa sinabi nya.
"Hey, I'm sorry I scolded you earlier."
"Don't worry. It's okay. I know you're an adult and you know what you're doing. So I know there's a reason why you got mad at me."
I laughed nang marinig ko ang sinabi nya. She really is one hell of smart kiddo.
"That girl in the picture?"
"yeah?"
"She's your other mom."
Ramdam ko ang excitement nya sa sinabi ko.
"What! I have two moms!? That's so cool!"
I laughed nang marinig ko ang sinabi nya.
"Yeah. She just doesn't know we have a baby."
She hugged me.
"It's okay mom, you're good enough for me."
That statement from Caitie warmed my heart. I almost cried pero pinigilan ko. For the first time after that night her mother left her to me, ay hindi ko naramdaman yung umuusbong na motherly love para kay Caitie.
"Hey, I'm drunk that's why I smell like this. But I just want to let you know that I will protect you forever. Okay?"
She hugged me tighter.
"I wish you're always drunk. We never slept next to each other before mum"
I smirked.
"I said lose the accent. You're not British. Kakanood mo kasi ng Peppa Pig yan eh"
We just laughed at magkatabing natulog.
Most nights, after Rosa had left me, for cheating on her, ay lagi akong lasing. Tahimik, mainitin ang ulo at wala sa mood. But when Caitie started to be clingy at sweet, I noticed I have changed. I always go home not too late to still see her, excitedly running towards me. She made me feel safe, loved, and sane. I know I'm being tough on her. I even set up these stupid rules to keep myself away from her but deep inside of me loves and cares for this little kid.
"Who wants to go shopping!!!!!?"
Masiglang bati ko sa kanya pagbaba ko sa living room.
"ME!!!! ME!! ME!!"
Patalon talon pa sya sa couch habang sumisigaw.
I decided after last night, I will start giving more attention to her, she deserves to feel loved by me too.
"Okay, ask ate Basha to come with us. Okay? We're leaving"
Mabilis syang tumakbo papunta sa kusina. My phone rang then I rolled my eyes before picking up.
"Hey baby"
"Ugh! I told you never call me that dahil we're not even together. Okay? And I told you ako ang tatawag sayo dahil ayoko ng makulit."
"Wait lang. Ito naman ang init ng ulo. Na mimiss lang kita eh. Lagi ka nalang masungit sakin pero pag nasa kama naman ta----"
"---Can you please? Not now. Karen please not now. I'm having a little mother-daughter time"
"So ano Lorraine Alcavar? Ganun nalang yun? NAgsawa ka na sakin kaya ibabasura mo nalang ako? Akala mo ba hindi ko alam? Nangongolekta ka lang ng babae."
I smirked.
"Alam mong ikaw lang ang kinakausap ko Karen, pwede ba? Don't sound like a jealous girlfriend dahil the last time I checked, you're dating Malcolm. So, please. No, don't be like this, or I will never talk to you again. Bye."
After that call ay tinawag ko na sina Basha at umalis.
"Ayy bakit? Parang Biyernes Santo ang mukha natin madam?"
Sita sa akin ni Patrice nang salubungin nya kami ni Caitie sa labas ng mall.
"Nothing."
Sagot ko.
"Hi Tita Pat!"
Sigaw ni Caitie kay Patrice. Nag kiss ang dalawa at naglakad na kami papasok sa mall, kasama nya si Val, na anak naman nila ni Sid.
"Uhm, ano alam ko yang mukhang yan. Babae na naman ang problema mo."
Napatingin ako kay Patrice at umiling iling.
"Sabi ko na nga ba eh. Ano ba yan, ikaw hinahabol o ikaw nag hahabol?"
I smirked.
"Ako? Maghahabol? No way."
"Hahahaha napaka yabang. Ikaw na Lorraine. Ik-----"
"Mommy!!!!!"
Napatingin kaming dalawa sa kinatatayuan ni Val saka mabilis na tumakbo palapit sakanya. Luminga linga ako sa paligid. I can't find Caitie. Nakaramdam ako ng kaba.
"Caitie? Basha?"
Basha is standing right in front of me. Looking around.
"Where the hell is Caitie!?"
Sigaw ko sakanya.
"H-hindi ko po alam ma'am, nalingat lang po ako sandali pag tingin ko wala na po sya."
"FUUUUCK!"
I cursed aloud. Nagtinginan ang mga tao but I simply didn't care.
"Caitie!?"
"Caitie!"
"Raine, I'll find someone who can help, ikaw mag tingin tingin ka dito irereport ko sa mall guards."
I ran away, checking every inch, every corner, shouting Caitie's name. She might be kidnapped. Or yung mga taong gustong pumatay sa mommy nya noon ay nalaman ang katotohanan. My body is literally shaking with fear of the possibility I might've lost her forever.
"Caitie!!!!"
I might be shaking, but I have to be strong.
"Pat? Anong balita? Nakita na ba? Did you tell them what she's wearing?"
"Yes, I did pinapanood nila lahat ng cctv. Raine, calm down okay? She's smart. She knows she's lost."
"Yes but fuck! Kung kelan ako nag desisyong magpaka nanay sakanya ngayon to mangyayari? What if I never get to see her again!? Fuck!"
"Pat please help me please"
I am crying my heart out. I can't imagine losing Caitie.
"Caitie!?"
"Caitie!"
I kept walking, shouting, crying. I felt like a mom who lost her child. And I am. I am a mom.
"Mum?"
I heard that very little voice, full of happiness and excitement. I heard Caitie.
"Mum!"
I turned around, I saw her. Running towards me, with the biggest smile on her face. Like she has great exciting news to tell me. I felt her warm hug, it felt so good and I felt so relieved I had to close my eyes.
"I found my other mum!"
When I heard what she said ay mabilis ako napahiwalay ng yakap sakanya at tinitigan sya.
"What did you say?"
"The girl in the picture! I found her! She was with me"
She turned around but found no one.
"I swear! She was right behind me! I promise!"
Tumayo ako at hinawakan sya sa kamay at saka kami naglakad paalis.
"Caitie?"
I stopped walking the moment I heard that unforgettable voice that my heart, my mind, my body, my soul longed to hear. Is it really her?
Caitie quickly turned around at bumitaw sa akin. I heard her running footsteps.
"Mum! Mum! I told you! It's her! My other mom!"
I had to take a deep breath before I turn around. Okay, hindi maganda ang last breakup namin ni Rosa. I was a cheating son of a bitch, toxic, grieving, liar, basta I was cruel to her. But she put up with it. With all my bullshits in life. How can I face her now?
I slowly turned around.
"Hey! It's you!"
She smiled at me.
"Yes it's me, Raine. Been a long time."
I walked towards her. Caitie is just staring at us, staring awkwardly at each other.
"Babe? Babe! Ugh. You're here. Sorry, I'm late."
A woman just kissed Rosa in front of me. I had to put my palm on Caitie's eyes. Nagkatitigan kaming apat, a second of awkward silence.
"Uh, babe? Who are they?"
Rosa looked me in the eye. Nangungusap. I don't know what it is, nor what she means.
"Uh, Eve, this is Lorraine Alcavar, and this little cute kiddo si Caitie, her daughter."
Psh! Eve!? Evil girlfriend!?
I had to shake hands with her out of respect but really Rosa?
"Uh, okay guys. We'll go now. Rosa, thank you so much for finding Caitie."
She smiled.
"Actually it was quite the opposite. She said she saw me then followed me."
"Oh, I see. I'm sorry. She just sort of see you in the house through the pictures. I'm really really sorry."
I really had to make it a quick apology then leave them.
"You, young woman, we're gonna have a loooong talk."
Caitie felt she's gonna be scolded again. But not really. I just have to remind her that what she did was not cool.
"Pat!"
I came running to Patrice. I need to release this inis that I feel right now.
"Okay, she has a new girl now, she's pretty pero---ugh!!! I hate her! I hate her guts!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
She just laughed at me.
"Raine, this isn't highschool pero para kang teenager na naghihimutok dyan dahil may ibang date sa prom ang crush mo."
I can't believe it. I just saw Rosa, and she's not available.
"Mum, diba sabi mo mommy ko rin sya? Bakit hindi sya sumama sa atin?"
Malungkot na tanong ni Caitie.
"Baby. that was a joke okay? I was drunk when I said that."
"But I want another mom. So that I can see you happy."
I smiled.
"I'm happy with you. Hayaan mo na yun, we don't need another mom. Isa pa, nagger yun"
Bulong ko sakanya. We just both laughed at kumain na sa restaurant. In three years, I always hoped that Rosa and I cross paths again. But today, I wished it didn't happen. I am so, in deep pain.