Crushed by anxiety
My heart had become like ash
Keep fallin' down down
I feel trapped
- Ateez, Better
Rory saw the ferry again. Other than in her usual nightmares she was swimming in the water. It was freezing cold and Rory tried to warm herself but then she spotted a familiar figure in the water.
"Danbi?", she whispered and swam towards her. Danbi was floating in the water, her eyes closed and lips blue. Desperate Rory tried to grab her but her hand wasn't able to touch Danbi.
The wind was pulling on Rory's hair and the rain hit against her skin with no mercy. Before Rory could try again, Danbi's eyes opened. They weren't brown like usual but red.
"Come with me." Danbi grabbed Rory's hand and pulled her under water. Rory wanted to scream but only water filled her lungs. Panicking she tried to free herself from Danbi's grip but she didn't let go.
A second later Rory was on deck again, panting hard. Scared she looked around but Danbi was gone. So was the storm. There was no wind, no rain, which confused Rory.
The sky was pink-ish and when Rory stood up she gasped in surprise. They were no longer on water, no. The ship was floating on top of the clouds.
"What the hell?", Rory wondered. The ship she was on was no longer the ferry either. It was like a pirate ship. Confused Rory looked around.
When she reached the back of the ship, Rory gasped in shock. She ran towards the bodies and when she turned them around, she could easily recognize their faces.
Even though she hadn't seen them in a few months, Rory recognized them immediately.
"Seonghwa." Tears were blurring her vision but his facial features were so familiar to her. Then her eyes wandered to the next person. "Hongjoong."
With shaking hands Rory pushed away his longer red hair which covered his face. It confused Rory, because his hair colour was different but that was not important right now. She saw his eyelids move.
"Hongjoong. Wake up. Hongjoong!"
"Rory! Wake up. Rory!"
Surprised Rory opened her eyes and sat up. Confused she looked around and when her eyes fell onto her brother, she relaxed a bit.
"Are you okay?", Chan asked worried and put a hand onto her forehead. "You're burning up."
"I'm fine." Rory was definitely not fine. And Chan could see that. She was sweating and shaking. Rory hadn't noticed but she had cried while sleeping.
Chan had heard her screaming, that's why he came into Rory's room and woke her up. It didn't happen a lot anymore but every time it did, Chan would come into her room and try to calm her down.
"You should shower, okay? I'll prepare breakfast.", Chan said with a sigh and left Rory's room. Rory on the other hand noticed something in her hand.
It was Danbi's bracelet.
"Welcome to hell! Or how other people call it: School.", Changbin announced happily and pulled Rory into a short hug.
"Are you always this enthusiastic about school?"
"We are having our Maths exam today. How could I be?"
"You're right.", Rory agreed but avoided his eyes. She had completely forgotten about the exam today. She already mentally prepared for her mother's disappointed look. Still Rory tried to look happy when she turned to Changbin. "Are you having plans for later?"
"No. Why?"
"Would you like to go to the library with me afterwards?"
Changbin stopped walking in surprise making a younger student walk into him but he didn't care. Rory couldn't help but smile sadly. The past few weeks it had always been him who asked her. She never wanted to do something. But today, Rory didn't want to be alone. She was scared.
Changbin's face lit up immediately. "Of course!"
After the exam the both of them walked to the library and Rory listened to Changbin complaining about it, not saying a single word. Changbin didn't mind doing the talking. He was just happy to spend time with his friend.
When they reached the building, Rory could hear familiar voices. Betrayed she looked at Changbin.
"Did you invite the other boys as well?"
"Sorry.", Changbin admitted and he felt really bad. He knew Rory didn't like having too many people around, even if they were her friends. But they bothered him so much he just invited them. "I'm really sorry."
"It's okay.", Rory lied. She was already having a hard time hiding her shaking hands but she wanted to try. She had to try at least to talk to them. Rory extended her hand and Changbin took it happily. "Let's go."
The other boys were already sitting on the big couch in the corner. Still they could be heard in the whole room, making the Librarian shush them about a dozen times already.
When the boys spotted the both of them coming they immediately made space on the couch so they could join. Rory sat down next to Changbin and Seungmin and greeted them. It felt weird. About four months before she'd often spend time and joke around with them but now she just felt out of place.
"Do you need any help with a subject?", Seungmin asked friendly and pulled out a Chemistry book, surprising Rory. Seungmin usually seemed mean towards others but around his friends he was really nice and weird. At first Rory hadn't liked him but now she kind of wanted to get to know him more.
"Luckily, no. In the next days are no tests."
Instead Rory pulled out a book of her bag and started reading. For her it was the best way to distract herself from the real world. Books pulled her into a world where everything could be fine.
As much as Rory wanted to read, she couldn't focus. The boys were noisy but surprisingly, she didn't mind. With a soft smile she watched them getting frustrated with formulas or grammar. Felix was having a hard time explaining English to Jeongin, while Minho annoyed Hyunjin instead of studying. Jisung on the other hand was sleeping peacefully while using Changbin as his pillow.
All in one, Rory was somehow glad Changbin had invited them. The way they treated each other touched her and she wondered if she could ever be part of a friendship like that ever again.
"Are you still having nightmares?", Ms. Choi asked, taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes. It had been a long day for her but still she made time for Rory. She always did.
"No."
"I know when you're lying, Aurora."
"And I told you to call me Rory."
"Then let's make a deal. I'll call you Rory and you tell me the truth, okay?", Ms. Choi offered, fully aware her trick would work. Rory hated to be called by her full name so much, she'd rather tell the truth. "So, are you still having nightmares?"
"Yes."
"What are they about?"
"The usual. The ship sinking and me trying to save them but I fail."
"Did anything change the past few nights?"
For a second Rory didn't want to tell her Psychologist about the nightmare she had last night. But then she figured it would be good to talk about it. With a sigh she nodded. "After the usual of trying to save Danbi, she pulled me underwater and I landed on a pirate ship. The storm was gone and the ship was floating on clouds."
"Isn't that a nice dream?", Ms. Choi asked carefully, making Rory scoff.
"It could have been. But then I wandered around the ship and saw them. The boys who went missing." Rory's voice cracked towards the end and tears blurred her vision. Silent, Ms. Choi gave her a tissue like she always did when Rory started getting emotional.
"It's the first time you saw them in your dreams, right?"
Rory nodded, trying to get back her voice. "It seemed so real. Their faces, everything. Even the flying boat which shouldn't have been there, seemed real."
"Are you taking the sleeping pills I gave you?"
"I'm not crazy.", Rory replied knowing fully well she hadn't taken them the last few days. She just forgot.
"Nobody says you are. But did you take them?"
"No."
"Auro- Rory.", Ms. Choi said softly and put away her notes. Rory knew what was about to come. Now Ms. Choi was using emotions. "If you try hard enough, I'm sure you could get back to your old life."
"My old life is gone. It died with Danbi."
"But she wouldn't want you to throw your life away like this."
"Don't you think I know that? I tried, okay?", Rory said and her voice got louder. "I tried these stupid exercises every day. I tried to meditate and take these damn pills. I'm trying, okay? Every time I do this, I have to think of Danbi and the others who died. I'm the only one left. And you can't tell me to just get over it with damn pills."
With these words Rory packed her things and left the room. As soon as she left the building, she started feeling bad for Ms. Choi. She just wanted to help and didn't deserve to be yelled at like that. But Rory was sick of it. Sometimes she wondered why she had been the only survivor. Why it couldn't have been Dnabi. But she didn't receive an answer.
Now she had to bear the weight of living. And it was crushing her every second.
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Deja Vu or Eternal Sunshine?