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❦Bad Dreams - Faouzia❦
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D R E A M S.
I always saw dreams as an escape from reality. Because reality can be... let's face it, a bitch.
Dreams often reflect our conscious or unconscious need to avoid something that is happening or will happen in reality
Dreams can also be to get rid of negative thoughts or people.
If you feel unsafe or uneasy in real life then you most likely will dream about escaping a dangerous situation in your dreams. While dreaming you feel paralyzed. You feel like you lost control of your body and this whole dangerous situation.
Let me ask you a question.
Have you ever experienced a 'falling dream?
A falling dream is when you fall into your dream from a high point. People say when you fall into your dream that means an angel lets go of you while escorting you to heaven.
Other people say it's the mind's symbolic way to alert the dreamer from a situation in her waking life where she feels out of control or where things are quite literally going rapidly downhill.
But dreams can also be something good.
Or bad
Nightmares are the worst. Having nightmares makes you feel vulnerable. It makes you feel afraid of sleeping because you don't know what will happen in that dream.
Nightmares are mostly caused by anxiety, depression, and Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Sometimes nightmares seem so vivid and real, that you are terrified to wake up because you are scared that you will face that thing or situation that you dreamed of.
But that's the point in life. You have to face things that scare you so that you can get through life without fearing them anymore.
That's easy said than done. To face your fears you have to take your time out. It's impossible to face them when you feel anxious. You have to distract yourself from the worry. The best way to do that is to do something that you like to do on your own. Maybe a walk around the block. Reading a book. Drinking your favorite cup of tea or coffee.
Breathing through panic is one of the best things that you can do when you're trying to face your fears.
Don't fight it. Let it happen.
When you do that you can easily face your fears because avoiding them makes them even scarier.
After you face them you feel an oddly satisfying feeling of relief go through your body. But to keep that feeling you have to face the fear more than once.
Talking about your fear makes you not weak or vulnerable. It just shows how strong of a person you are. It shows what you went through. It shows that you can overcome that fear.
I never will overcome my fears. What I just told you, told me, my therapist, before I left.
My biggest fear is life. And I face life every single day. That's why I escape from reality in my dreams.
My dreams are my excuse not to face my fear. My life.
My life is messed up. In my 17 years of existence in this fucked up world, I only experienced hatred, racism, and fear.
I saw things that a 17-year-old shouldn't have seen. I experienced things that a 17-year-old shouldn't have felt. I thought about things that a 17-year-old shouldn't have to worry about.
But here I am.
I saw, felt, experienced, and worried about so many things that I don't wish for anyone.
It's hard enough to get through life but it's harder with many heavy burdens on your back. And you feel like they are suffocating you while you try to get them off of you.
But that will not happen until I face what fears me the most.
❦
"Dad?" I called my Dad who was standing beside me. I looked up to see if he heard me. He was talking with someone on the phone.
He told me that we would go out and eat something since Mom is working her late-hour shift in the hospital. I barely see Mom these days she's always working. Dad on the other hand is working from home. I asked him what he does for work but she always changed the topic and made me leave the room. Even though I know something is up I didn't ask him anymore because I'm too scared to ask him.
"I know it's a risk but we have to do it," my Dad said to the person on the other end of the phone.
"Yes. Bye," he ended the call and sighed. He looked down at me and gave me a weak smile.
"Honey, I have to go. I will bring you home and I will go and do something. I will be at home by midnight," he said and I nodded.
He grabbed my hand and led me to his car.
But we didn't make it that far. Gunshots were fired and I crouched down and started screaming.
Everything went so fast that I didn't even have time to look where the gunshots came from. I was too scared to look up and see who is shooting. I decided to crawl to our car which was not even a meter away from where I was. When I reached the car I noticed the fog around me and the bright lights that came from the right side. I quickly hide under the car and waited.
I noticed the fog vanishing in thin air. That's when I noticed a body on the ground. I tried to make out the outline of that person.
My eyes widened when I saw the lifeless body of my father laying on the ground. I gasped and try to get crawl back to him but that changed when a tall black figure hovered over the dead body of my father. I tried to not move or let out a sob but that seemed impossible at that moment. I placed one hand on my mouth to stop the sobbing and tried to focus on my breathing. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath. When I opened my eyes I saw the black figure holding a gun and pointing it at the lifeless body of my father. I heard his faint deep voice say something but I couldn't make out the words.
He pulled the trigger and I let out a scream while holding my hands onto my mouth. The man looked at my father's body and walked away. I waited for him to leave so that I can go to my father.
I heard the engine of a car and when he drove off I crawled back up from under the car and ran to my father.
''Dad?'' I cried.
''Dad, please!!'' I screamed. I stared at him a noticed him moving his hand up to me. He weakly opened his eyes and looked at me. I felt my tears burning my cheeks while there were running down. My Dad started coughing blood. I didn't know what to do.
''Dad, please don't die. I need you.'' I whispered and cried at the same time. He brought his hand up and wiped away my tears.
''D-Do-don't cry. Y-You know what I've t-told you. C-Crying makes you w-weak,'' he whispered and I immediately wiped away my tears.
''Please don't die, Dad. I need you,'' I said trying to hold my tears away. I felt my warm tears burn my eyes from the inside and I couldn't hold them anymore.
''Listen, Bella. You'll be facing a lot of betrayals and sadness in your life but you will get through them. I know that because you are my little girl and I love you. And remember don't trust anyone. Every person has two faces. They might seem nice around you but they will stab you in the back once they see you are vulnerable,'' he said.
He started coughing heavily. ''Dad, what do you mean?'' I whispered.
''Just know that I love you and if you ever need me. I'm right here,'' he said and pointed with his index finger to my heart. I couldn't hold back the tears so I let them out.
''Dad, please! Don't leave me,'' I cried.
''I'm sorry, Bella,'' he whispered.
That's when he closed his eyes and let out his last breath. My eyes widened and I started shaking him by his shoulders.
''No! Dad! Noo!! Please come back! Dad! I need you, please! Don't leave me!'' I screamed.
I lowered my head and screamed at him to back to me but he didn't respond. I screamed at him for leaving me alone. I screamed that he didn't love me. I screamed my soul out just for him not to respond.
What did I do to deserve this? What did I possibly do?
''Don't leave me,''
I opened my eyes and saw nothing but complete darkness surrounding me. I wiped away the sweat and the tears from my face and tried to control my breathing.
''It was just a dream,'' I whispered to myself. Even though I know it was not a dream because I know he isn't alive anymore. I watched him die. And his death will always hunt me.
Always.
❦
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